“Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love.”
Heather stared into space as the scripture resounded like a gong in her head. Since childhood, she had been living in the dungeon of her own fears about love. Memories of her less than perfect childhood and family life flashed before her mind. Her parents lacked good communication and conflict resolution skills, and the insults they hurled at each other made Heather cringe.
She vowed never to be like her parents, but the pain they inflicted on her life never allowed her to experience true peace or love in her life. Only she could open the doors of her self-imposed captivity and allow herself to love and to be loved. The closing song by the band drew her from her reverie, and she realized the study was over. She sat for a few minutes after the study, reflecting on the opportunities for love she had wasted.
Her new friend Kelly came up and sat down beside her.
“What’s up, Heather? You don’t look so happy.” Her face was etched with concern.
“I’m okay, Kelly. Tonight’s study was pretty deep, and I was thinking about my recent decisions, and it seems I haven’t been trusting God enough.” She gave her friend a half smile.
“It’s about mister tall dark and handsome, isn’t it?” She gave Heather a reassuring pat on the arm. “Sometimes we have fears in life and we live life around those fears thinking we’ve made the best decision. But what we can’t see is that sometimes we’re just running away from something God wants to use to strengthen our faith.”
“I know, you’re right, Kelly. Sometimes I’m afraid of what God wants to teach me, especially when it comes to opening up my heart.” She gave Kelly a thin smile.
Kelly comforted the side of Heather’s arm. “C’mon. Sounds like we need to talk about this. What do you say we go to Nick’s Pizza and grab a bite together?”
Heather nodded her head. “Sure, I’d like that. It’s been a while since I’ve opened up to anyone.
“I promise to be a good listener.” Kelly stood to her feet. “I’ll drive us there.”
Nick’s Pizza was minutes from the church, and it wasn’t uncommon to bump into several church members after a study or service. They settled into a cozy booth in a quiet corner of the restaurant and ordered their usual pineapple and bacon pizza before relaxing to chat about the weather and how Harry’s health was doing. Heather noticed Kelly was watching her more intently than usual, and after several minutes into their discussion, she found out why.
“Okay Heather, so what are you going to do?”
Heather stopped moving the pizza into her mouth and gazed at her friend with a puzzled expression.
“What do you mean what am I going to do?” Heather took a bite of the hot gooey cheese and acted as if she had no idea what Kelly was talking about.
“Do you like living down here, Heather? I mean, I know you love Liv and Harry and all that, but are you really happy?” Her friend pursed her lips tightly together. “And don’t give me the whole ‘making people happy makes me happy’ answer, like you always do. I mean, are you truly happy?”
Heather hesitated as she thought about the question. “I am happy, Kelly. I do in fact love Harry and Liv as well as you. I love the church we go to, and I’m happy with those things,” she said with muted enthusiasm.
“How are things with Harry anyways? I know he gets bad infections from time to time ...” Kelly determined to take a different approach with the nurse.
“He’s doing good right now. No colds or illness in a while. I can’t believe I’ve stayed here three months already. Time has flown by so quickly. It seems like only yesterday that I first arrived here.” A smile formed on Heather’s lips as she remembered her first encounter with the rambunctious boy.
“Yes, time certainly does fly. Any news yet on the next assignment?” Kelly scooped up another piece of pizza.
Heather shook her head. “No ... in fact, I think God is calling me to something out of my comfort zone. While I love taking care of Harry, I’m yearning for something more challenging, something that will bring out the best in me.” She grew solemn for a moment.
“Do you want to talk about it ...? You know, him? I’m here for you as a friend as well as a sister in Christ. I’m not a counselor, but maybe I can help you look at the situation from a different perspective. Have you heard anything from him?”
“No, I haven’t. I hear from Eleanor from time to time, and she tells me about Evelyn and the family. We don’t talk about Michael. He was engaged when I left, and I’m sure he’s married by now.” A heavy sigh escaped her lips. “We just avoid talking about him. It’s better that way.” Her eyes lowered to the table. “It’s been almost a month now since Eleanor last called; I wonder how Evelyn is doing. She was in remission, and I’m sure she’s enjoying her new life.” Images of their trip to Thrill Mountain played before her eyes.
“Why don’t you just call him, Heather? No matter what’s going on in his life, I’m sure he’d love to hear from you. If you’re not sure about him, Evelyn would definitely want to speak with you.”
Heather lowered her gaze to the floor. “I can’t, Kelly. I don’t want to get involved with their family again. It took every ounce of strength inside me to say good-bye the first time. I can’t go back and rehash the feelings I locked away deep inside.” Heather forced a sigh from her lips. I just can’t do it.”
She couldn’t deny the fact that the only time her life had experienced true peace was when she was living at the Robbins household. It was only until recently that she had started to smile again and begin to enjoy life once more. All along, Heather had thought she was doing the right thing by letting him go. But now she was beginning to wonder if she had made a huge mistake by leaving Crystal Cove in the first place.
“You know Heather, you’ve been open enough to share a lot about your work over the last few months. You’ve told me all about the families you’ve worked with, even Miss Covington. And not one of them caused you to leave on your own ... until the Robbins. I’m not saying I know you better than you know yourself, but rather there had to be a reason for it. You love him. It’s as simple as that. You love him, but you’re afraid. I get it, believe me. It’s easier to deny it than it is to embrace what you don’t know. Being scared is normal; I get it. But don’t cut yourself off from him completely.”
Kelly leaned over and took Heather’s hand from the table. “God wants us to be happy while we’re here. If not, what would be the point of it all? We aren’t meant to be alone and suffer every trial on our own. Just remember that.” She leaned back in her chair.
“I can’t Kelly; he was so ... different than me. We come from very different places. He’s a businessman with a lot of responsibilities and knows which wine glass is used for white or red wine. Me? Well, I’m better suited to be a maid in his house than to be a part of it.” She sighed.
“Heather Parks, are you telling me he said that to you?”
“No, he never said that, but ...”
“Did he ever make you feel like that?”
“Well, no ...”
“Seems to me he isn’t the one in charge of how you feel about yourself, Heather. You made the decision to make him “untouchable” in your mind. It’s not about how he feels about you. It’s how you feel about you.” She gave Heather a wink and set about eating again.
Heather thought about what Kelly said as she finished the slice of pizza on her plate. Her friend was right. She was responsible for keeping herself from being happy. But there was nothing she could do now. Michael had moved on with his life, she was sure of it. And the best thing she could do for her sanity was to let him go.
After they finished eating, Heather went home, her mind occupied with everything she had learned that night. Life had so much to offer, but her insecurities and fears kept her shackled to a life of shallow relationships. A life that could never connect deep
ly with the opposite sex.
She could still picture the serious expression on Michael’s face when she first met him. His business personality could easily intimidate anyone who wasn’t privy to the emotional side of his personality. She had been one of the few outsiders who had the privilege of witnessing his fun side. Like the time they had gone to Thrill Mountain and when he watched Evelyn giggle and play. She missed them, all of them, especially Linda and Miss Jamie and all the good times they shared in the kitchen over tea and pastries. Eventually, her mind drifted off to a peaceful sleep dreaming of another ordinary day at the Robbins household.
Chapter 11
Thursday came quickly, and it was another routine day for Heather. She had to drop Harry to school and planned to spend the rest of the morning shopping for things she needed. Her mind was still unsettled after last night’s study, and she prayed to God for peace and direction in her life. Seconds after parking in the lot at the first stop on her list, her phone rang. She glanced at the unknown number and pressed the answer button.
“Hello, this is Abigail Sinclair from the SNA program. I’m trying to reach a Heather Parks.”
Heather’s heart skipped a beat when she recognized where the stranger was calling from. Her voice shook with excitement. “This is Heather Parks; can I help you?”
“Yes, I’m calling from the SNA Program in France; how are you doing today?”
“I’m doing great. What can I do for you?” She felt a gurgle in her stomach.
“Well, I’m the organizer for the Study Nursing Abroad Program here in Paris, France. After much consideration, we now have an opening and would like to see if you’re still interested in joining the program. I know it’s been some time since you applied, but you were next on our list after a last-minute cancellation. Unfortunately, we need a decision right now before we move on to the next candidate. The program starts in a week. I wish I could give you more time to think about it, but I have to submit names in today.”
Heather’s body trembled with excitement. She had waited so long for the opportunity to study in France, and now God had answered her prayers. Not only would she be able to further her skills at a highly rated foreign school, she could travel in France, a destination she had dreamed of going to. Even though it saddened her to think about leaving her friends in California, Heather felt the change might help her purge the residual feelings for Michael.
“Yes, oh yes. I’m absolutely interested, thank you for considering me for the position!” Her voice pitched with enthusiasm.
“That’s great to hear Miss Parks! We start school in two weeks on the first of September. There’s an Air France flight that leaves at 10 a.m. from LAX on the 25th so that should give you plenty of time to settle in before your program starts. I will email your itinerary and a checklist of everything you need to know to get the ball rolling. Do you have any further questions?”
Heather’s mind raced with a swarm of questions, but she figured the email would answer most of them. “No, I don’t have any questions right now. Thank you, Miss Sinclair, thank you so much for selecting me. You don’t know how much this means to me. You have a wonderful day.”
Heather ended the call and set her phone onto the beige fabric seat next to her. Her mind was numb with disbelief as if she had just won the state lottery. The crowning achievement of her career would be graduating from the SNA program. It had been so long since she had submitted her application that she had given up all hope of being accepted. But now it seemed that God had opened a door of opportunity to further her career, and it couldn’t have come at a better time.
Heather immediately called Kelly, but only got her voicemail.
“Kelly, lunch today, my treat ... I’ve got big news! Meet me at The Golden Empress restaurant at noon.” She hung up and continued with her shopping.
The morning flew by, and although she hadn’t heard from Kelly, Heather knew she’d be there. One thing she learned very quickly about her new friend was that she was always there when you needed her. Friends like that were hard to find.
As she opened the glass door to the restaurant, she rushed inside only to find Kelly in a lively discussion with the waiter about the differences between Tangerine Chicken and Orange Chicken.
Kelly’s face lit up when she saw her friend approach. “Hey, girlfriend.” She stood and hugged her friend before settling back down and ordering water for them both.
“Thanks for seeing me on such short notice.” Heather took a seat across from her friend at the small table.
“Okay, girl, it’s got to be important for us to meet at such short notice. I hope everything’s okay.” Kelly waited anxiously for Heather’s reply.
“Yes, everything is okay. In fact, everything is going great.”
Kelly leaned forward. “Go on. I’m listening.”
Heather squirmed with excitement in her seat. “I got a call this morning. I was accepted in the Study Abroad Nursing program! I’m leaving for France in two weeks! Can you believe it? I’ve been trying to figure out what to do next this whole time. Then out of nowhere the program calls me saying there was a cancellation, and now I’m in the program!” There was a big grin on her face as she flipped through the menu enthusiastically
“That’s such exciting news, Heather! I’m so happy for you!” She clapped her hands several times and returned the smile.
Even though Kelly seemed happy for her, Heather could tell something was wrong.
“What is it, Kelly? Come on, I know you.” She shut the menu and studied her friend intently.
“I don’t want to ruin it for you, Heather. Just ignore me; I’m fine.” Kelly kept the menu in front of her eyes.
“Hey, it me you’re talking to. I know you better than that, and I can tell something is wrong.” She used a hand to lower Kelly’s menu. “Please, you know I care about what you have to say.”
Kelly’s hazel colored eyes drifted from the menu to Heather’s face.
“I guess it’s just ... well, are you sure you’re ready to leave California? You’d actually leave Michael and Evelyn behind, and just go? Are you sure you’re willing to sacrifice a relationship with him?”
Heather sobered for a moment. Since learning about the exciting news, she had not taken the time to process her feelings. She couldn’t deny the memories of Michael that were permanently woven into the fabric of her heart. He would always be a part of her heart. But now that he was married, there was nothing she could do under God’s grace to get him back. At least not without committing adultery, something Heather would never do. No, she had no other choice but to move on with her life.
“Yes, Kelly, I am. They’re both happy now, and I’m glad I was a part of their past. But I truly believe it’s not in God’s will for me to be there for the future. I’ve accepted that, and I have to believe everyone is better for it. When we were at Bible study last night, I felt God meant that message for me. I have to believe that by getting rid of my fears, I’ll be able to move forward with life.”
Kelly didn’t know what to make of the confident look on Heather’s face. Was her friend desperately trying to convince her or herself? She wanted to tell her friend that sometimes God will put adversity into a person’s life to build character, not so they could run away. She wanted to remind Heather of the story of Jonah but thought better of it. It seemed Heather was intent on erasing the Robbins family from her life, and nothing could change her mind. She knew this had been a lifelong dream of Heather’s, and it was only right that she support her friend and love her through it.
“Well, regardless, I’m so happy for you Heather. When do we get to start shopping?”
“How about tomorrow? I’ll have the day off, and we can hit the Fashion Valley Mall for the list of things I need to bring on the trip.”
“Girl, I’m so excited to help you spend your money.” Kelly bounced with enthusiasm in her seat.
Heather smiled and relaxed into her seat as she tried to absorb the reality of her decis
ion. She was finally going to France to start a new life. A life full of adventure, travel, good food, and new friendships. She knew Liv and Harry would be fine with another nurse, and Heather knew they would encourage her to go if that was what she really wanted.
The two women continued chatting over lunch, sharing great food and laughter while Heather pushed back any lingering doubts about leaving California. She vowed tomorrow would be a new chapter in her life, and nothing, not even thoughts of Michael could sway her from the course she had chosen.
Chapter 12
Michael felt happier today than he had in months as he stared past the office window of his study. Evelyn would finally come home tomorrow after spending several months in Santa Barbara, and he couldn’t wait to wrap his arms around her with a great big hug. He hoped the time Evelyn spent with her grandparents helped jumpstart her journey back to a normal life as well as strengthen her bond with his parents.
A smile creased his lips as he recalled the trip home from Thrill Mountain and the scare Evelyn caused them when she came down with a fever. He never expressed his deepest fears that evening, not even to Heather, that the virus would take his daughter’s life.
But fortunately God had future plans for Evelyn’s life and blessed her with a miraculous recovery, something Michael’s heart wasn’t prepared for. If it wasn’t for Heather and all her unselfish labors of love, who knew if his daughter would have survived her curse with cancer?
The nurse’s name brought sorrow into his heart as if it had been bathed in a bucket of tears collected from the ducts of a thousand jilted lovers.
He had lowered the fortress around his heart and bared his soul, hoping that Heather could see how much he loved her and that she would reciprocate. But in no uncertain terms, she refused to acknowledge his sincere offering, and even went one step further to distance herself as if he had been cursed with leprosy.
He felt both confused and angry at her. Had he read her subtle body signals wrong? Had he been so obsessed with Heather that he refused to recognize her unspoken signals of rejection? But then there was that special moment together in the gardens.
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