“If someone doesn’t pull me outta this thing, I’m gonna lose my shit. And you can ask the king what happens when I do that. Show yourself, goddammit. Who are you?”
He managed to spin himself around, though his hoof was still caught. They were upside down because of his position. Five in all. Glaring at him. Wrapped in skin-tight fabric, as black as a spider’s exoskeleton, a thin slit for their eyes. He could tell by the curves of their bodies that they were female.
The one closest to him pulled the fabric from her head, blonde curls spilling out like golden entrails. It took Gavin a moment, but he recognized her, standing outside of the princess’s room.
“A talking pig. I heard about you. Came here with the prince, didn’t you?”
“That’s right. And if any of you pajama-wearin’ broads thinks you’re gonna get anywhere near him, I’ll bite your tits off and pussy-kick you!”
The women exchanged glances and giggled, then the blonde wrapped her arms around Gavin’s body, as gently as if she were cradling a baby.
“Shhhh,” she said, then pulled him free, set him on the ground at the center of them all.
“Who’s first? And I’ve heard enough fuckin’ pig jokes since this whole thing started, so don’t even go there right now.” Gavin circled in place, baring his tusks.
“What’s your name?”
“Gavin.”
“You have no reason to fear us, Gavin. Our mistress is inside with your prince. We’ve come to free her and find the princess.”
“Find the princess? For what? She’s fuckin’ cuckoo. Didn’t you see that fuckin’ rat on her hand?”
“And how is that any more strange than a talking pig?” another of them said, squinting, age lines creasing the corners of her eyes.
“The princess is our only hope,” the blonde said. “She is the key to a brighter future. Not just for women, but for all.”
“The plan was to wait for the other kings to arrive tomorrow. Kill each and every one of them. But you, pig, ruined that when you drenched the kitchen in blood,” another of them said, this one with green eyes, then stomped her foot like she was trying to crush him.
“They deserved it. Trust me. Besides, I was only tryin’ to get loose to save my prince. Just like you’re tryin’ to save your mistress. So fuck you with all the finger pointin’, all right?”
“Quiet,” Blonde said as she closed her eyes and moved her face like she was lightly sniffing the air. “They’re coming. Sonia is with them. And the prince.”
“They mean to kill them now,” Green Eyes said, still glaring at Gavin.
Blonde lifted Gavin into her arms. “Let’s fly.”
Running across the nearest wall as easily as an insect, the women hopped from one to the other, climbing higher and higher, until they reached the ceiling where they raced across the crisscrossed wooden beams. Not a single one of them made so much as a scraping sound.
As they sprinted, leaping and kicking off stone to climb higher into the castle, Gavin shut his eyes and bit his tongue. He still wasn’t sure who these women were or what their purpose was, but he did know he was glad they were on his side. For now.
***
“Bring them! Hurry! Bring them here at my feet!” Balthazar sat at the head of the table, red-faced and bratty. He had not announced the change of schedule to the rest of the kingdom. It was only him and his guards in the dining hall. No food on the table. Only empty plates and clean silverware. A barrel of wine sat in front of him, and by the purple hue of his lips and teeth, he had been doing his best to empty it.
The guards shoved Francis and Sonia to the ground, just in front of Balthazar who held a leather pouch full of ice against his groin and a wine glass in the other hand.
“You. Prince. Stand.” Balthazar drained his wine and quickly refilled it. “Did you hear what your pig did? How he ruined everything I had planned?”
Francis started to stand and Balthazar threw his wine glass at him. The glass didn’t reach Francis, but shattered about a foot in front of him.
“Why are you moving? I don’t remember telling you to move. You don’t move until I say you are allowed to! I’m the king! Me! Memememe!”
“You asked me to stand. But if you’d rather I knelt—”
“I said stand up!”
Francis stood to his full height, shaking his head. “Gavin has escaped. He killed your cooks. One of them while he was deep inside the back end of what was to be your dinner.”
“Who told you this? I wanted to be the one who told you! Me! The king! Who did it?”
“The guards. Those two there. They said the only thing funnier than what they found in the kitchen was your reaction when they told you.”
“He lies!” one guard said and stomped toward Francis, the other right behind him. Both equally red in the face, instantly sweating.
“It’s true,” Sonia said. “If only you could have heard the way they laughed at you.”
Balthazar stood, shrieked once, quick and high-pitched, then slowly and carefully lowered back to his chair where he pressed his ice bag firmly back against his groin. “You two. Stand there and face each other.”
He pointed toward the open area reserved for dancing or song performances. They followed orders, both glaring at Francis who only smiled back.
“Fight. To the death. The one who wins will be my new cook. The loser will be our dinner for this evening.” Balthazar reached for his wine glass, forgetting he had shattered it. When his fingers grasped at air, he slammed his fist to the table, yelped again, and faced the roomful of guards watching him. “Another glass! Someone bring their king another fucking glass!”
A short guard with a square head whose armor looked too big for him darted out of the room, the golden plates banging into one another as he went.
Balthazar pointed at the two guards again. “Are you deaf? Fight! And don’t stop until one of you is dead! On with it!”
As they pulled their swords free and ran at each other, Balthazar turned his attention back to Francis and Sonia.
“Why are you standing? Kneel before me!”
“Are you sure?”
“Fucking kneel!”
“As you wish, oh great and mighty king.”
Sonia shot him a small smile, then lowered her head again.
“I’m disappointed. A king shouldn’t be disappointed on his first day. It’s not fair. The entire realm was supposed to watch you die. It was going to be glorious! And now . . . now it’s ruined. And it’s all because of that goddamn fucking pig of yours!”
“As the king, it is up to you when we are killed. You can still stick to your plan and there’s nobody who could oppose your decision,” Sonia said, staring at the king through the hair hanging over her eyes.
“I know that. But I’m angry. And I need to make an example. Show the people what happens when they disappoint their king. When they wake up and see your flayed bodies torn asunder, the skinless pieces mounted across the kingdom, they will know. Loud and clear.” He readjusted the ice pack on his lap, wincing as he did it. “And besides. I need something to improve my mood. I’m grumpy.”
The battling guards clashed again and again, blades cutting the air as they swung them at each other. Armor clanged, sparks flew. They grunted and roared, neither able to get the upper hand on the other.
Balthazar snapped his fingers and waved two more guards over. “I think we’ll do the whore first. As satisfying as her death will be, it’s nothing more than a cock tease. Just to get me in the mood. Hold the prince. Make sure he does not look away.”
One guard grabbed Sonia by the shackles and yanked her to her feet. The other guard wrapped his arm around Francis’s neck and held him there, facing the servant girl whose face remained expressionless. She just stared at Balthazar as if her eyes could stop his heart.
“Once every strip of flesh is peeled from her body, once she is divided into equal pieces, it will be your turn, Prince Francis of Granada. But with you . . . I wan
t to savor your death. We’ll take your skin a square inch at a time. Maybe a dash of salt to keep you awake. How does that sound?”
Francis tried to speak, had even come up with an especially manly thing to say to the new king that would have made even his father proud. But the arm tightening around his neck like a python squeezing a calf kept the words below his throat.
One of the guards swung his blade low, sweeping the other’s legs out from under him. Then he swung the sword over his head, held the hilt with both hands, and roared, bloody spittle misting from his mouth.
“Oh, look! How fun! We may have a winner!” Balthazar hopped in his seat and clapped, then gasped and whimpered, gently cradling his genitals in both hands. “Something tore. I felt it tear. Between. The place between my testicles and my ass. I don’t know what that’s called . . . but it tore. Oh gods if I find that fucking pig I swear I’ll—”
“Aaaaahhhhhh!”
The scream had begun as a faint noise, then quickly grew in volume as Gavin fell from above. His body crashed right on top of the guard just as he was about to make his killing blow. The guard beneath him had found his blade and thrust it upward. The men stabbed each other, both baring their bloody teeth as they glared into each other’s dying eyes.
Gavin rolled away from them, writhing on the ground and groaning. His stubby legs kicked as he fought to find his breath again, then carefully stood on all fours and faced the room.
“Fuckin’ ouch,” he muttered.
“Gavin!” Francis managed to wiggle the word past the arm before it tightened again.
“It’s the fucking pig! The fucking pig fell from the sky!” Balthazar jumped to his feet, screamed, and dropped to the floor, once again clutching himself. Just as his body collapsed, a dagger stuck into his chair, buried to the hilt.
“Long live the queen,” Sonia said, then threw her legs into the air and spun them like a windmill. The chain connecting her ankles wrapped around her guard’s neck, and with a hard twist and another spin, she snapped his neck and landed on her feet.
“Watch out, m’lord!” Francis’s guard released him and reached for Sonia who snarled at Balthazar and stomped her bare foot down on his bollocks.
“Hands off the prince, asshole!” Gavin shot forward like a pink rocket, ramming the guard in the gut and driving him backward.
By the time Francis was on his feet and catching his breath, Gavin had already dug a trench into the guard’s throat with his tusks.
“Hey, Fran. You miss me as much as I missed you?”
“You, my friend, have never looked so beautiful. I swear I will never eat pork again.”
“Wait a second. When the fuck was the last time you ate pork?”
“Do we have to talk about this now?”
The guards ran at them like a golden, shimmering tidal wave. Just as they were about to crash right on top of Francis and Gavin, dark figures rained down from the ceiling.
“You’ve ruined the plan again, pig!” one of the figures said, the voice female and strong. Green eyes shining from the slit in her black mask.
“I don’t know if you’ve noticed, lady, but hooves don’t have the best grip, all right? Fuck, I think the fall busted a rib.”
“If you mess up again, I’ll be sucking the meat off those ribs by morning.”
“Friends of yours?” Francis said.
As the guards descended on them, the women, all dressed in snug, black fabric, their faces hidden, pounced into the crowd. They were almost too fast for Francis’s eyes to follow as they dodged and weaved and sliced and slashed. Bloody plates of armor dropped to the floor like empty beetle husks, along with severed limbs and heads and discarded weapons, some with the hands still wrapped around the handles.
Sonia still had Balthazar pinned to the floor by his testicles, and then as quick as a strong wind, she swung her arms, catching the king under the chin with her chain and pulled him to his feet.
He whimpered as Sonia glared into his eyes. His pants darkened as urine soaked into them.
“You look tired, m’lord,” Sonia said. “Why don’t you have a seat?”
The knife was still buried into the wooden chair, the hilt pointing upward at a slant like a metallic, ribbed phallus. And when she grabbed Balthazar by the shoulders and shoved him into the seat, the hilt disappeared.
Balthazar made a sound like a stuttering mouse trying to squeak. One eye went wide while the other squinted. Nostrils flared and each blew a snot bubble that popped and rained verdant sprinkles over his lap. His lips trembled over chattering teeth.
“That’s better,” Sonia said.
The women fought on, clearly too much for the guards to handle. Hope swelled in Francis’s chest as he watched.
We’re going to make it. I’m not going to die after all!
The sound was dwarfed by the music of battle at first, but it became too loud to remain unheard as more and more guards arrived storming in from every hallway around them. At the sight of them, the guards already locked in combat got a dose of adrenaline. They fought harder, all cheering as their backup ran toward the women, others coming straight for Francis and Gavin.
“Where the fuck did they come from?”
“Richest kingdom in the realm equals largest army,” Francis whispered. “Can we not catch a fucking break?”
“Kill them!” Balthazar squeaked. “Tear them to pieces!”
Francis sighed, finding himself becoming almost used to the idea of being killed only moments after finding some kind of hope.
A roar stopped every person in the room. All cries of battle were cut off as every pair of ears listened. When it came again, the guards looked to one another, then at Balthazar. The women’s eyes widened and they disappeared, flinging their lithe bodies upward, flipping through the air and landing between Francis and Sonia.
The one with green eyes grabbed Sonia by the arm, all bravery gone. She stared at Sonia with the eyes of a frightened girl. “Dragon!”
Everyone heard her say it, and not a single person, regardless of what side they were on, had a chance to react.
The castle shook, the walls rumbling. Chunks of stone and dust and splintered wood rained down on them. Then another loud crash and more shaking, this time a small section of moonlight shooting down into the room as the wall crumbled. And a black, onyx eye peered in.
Francis and Gavin looked at each other, “Goblin Dragon!” Francis screamed.
“Fuck me!” Gavin squealed.
The dragon pressed its mouth against the small broken section and spat a log of flame through that eradicated a large section of guards. Their golden armor melted and welded them all together, their flesh charred and dark red, half of them still alive and shrieking, begging for someone to kill them.
Balthazar wiggled in his chair, fighting to free himself but was still held there by the dagger’s hilt, his anus like a strong-gripped fist.
The dragon roared, then slammed against the castle again. The wall disintegrated and poured into the room, smothering another section of men like a stone avalanche.
Sitting atop the dragon’s neck was the princess. Grinning. Looking like a goddess from hell.
Balthazar yelped and whined as he stared up at her, the dragon snarling, smoke rolling from its mouth and nostrils.
The guards screamed as one and scattered in all directions, no longer worried about Francis and Gavin or Sonia and her warrior women.
“The king!” Sonia said, fighting off the other woman who tried to pull her backward. “There’s still time!”
One of the retreating guards lifted Balthazar, chair and all, as he ran past, carrying the new, grimacing king as he fled.
“We need to go. Now!”
“Shit!” Sonia glared up at Pretty. “What have you done?” Before waiting for an answer, Sonia grabbed Francis by the arm. “Hurry. We must—”
“Just hold on a minute,” Francis said. As ominous as the entire situation seemed, and as terrified as he was staring up at th
at dragon again, he had a feeling the princess didn’t come back to kill them all. The woman sitting on the dragon’s neck was not the goddess who controlled flies and rats, but the simple-minded, mentally-unbalanced girl he found in the tower.
“Fran?” Gavin said. “You catch crazy from that broad up there? Let’s get gone!”
“And go where? With them?” He pointed to Sonia and her women who were backing away from the dragon, glancing at Francis like he had lost his mind. “That one there just threatened to eat your rib meat. And besides that, we have nowhere to go, Gavin. We’re out of money. I’m tired. No matter where this takes us, this is our purpose. I can feel it.”
“I didn’t . . . he’s a pig! It was a bad joke, all right?” the green-eyed woman said.
“Actually, it was one of the better ones I’ve heard since this whole thing started,” Gavin said.
Francis stepped toward the dragon, forcing himself to keep all signs of fear deep inside him. It was time to look manly, fearless and confident, for once in his life.
“Pretty? You saved us! I knew you wouldn’t leave. I told the others not to fear. That our princess would never abandon us.”
“Hi, Prince Francis!” she said, sliding down to the dragon’s nose, nearly falling off. She stood and waved. “I didn’t mean to scare you. Are you mad at me?”
“Of course not. I could never be mad at you.”
She tapped the dragon’s snout and the massive beast lowered its head until its chin rested on the rubble-strewn floor. Heat billowed off its scaled skin like the mouth of a volcano. Francis wanted to spin away from it and run, but he forced himself to stand still.
“Climb on. She won’t hurt you. We talked. Made peace with each other. Apologized and everything. She’s not as bad as everyone thinks. Something I can relate to. I brought her here to take you home with me.”
“Hurry the fuck up, would you? Before those golden assholes grow some balls and come running back here to prove themselves.” Tessa hissed at Francis, then got a whack on the head from Pretty. “I mean . . . we’d be delighted if you came back with us.”
“Back with you? But . . . where? Is this not your home?”
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