by Nia Arthurs
I knew that Drew and I needed to have another heavy conversation and I wasn’t sure if I was ready for it.
The miles flew by in the silence and I pulled up to the campgrounds just as the sun was setting. The kids were in the rec center for the evening portion of the festivities. They’d have another campfire tonight before heading back to the city on Sunday morning. I walked through the crowd of happy teenagers and just couldn’t get into the joyous mood. My thoughts were with Lindsey and nothing I could do would shake that right now.
Not even chocolate consoled me.
I knew the matter was serious if I couldn’t find relief in Oreos.
Sometime during the night, I found Drew. Tapping on his shoulder, I asked uneasily, “Can I talk to you?”
His eyes grazed my serious expression and he nodded, “Of course.”
I walked toward the lake where Jermaine and I had had our strange, private conversation. Tonight, clouds hid the moon from sight. The lake looked like a filling of black sludge in the darkness. No cicadas burst forth in happy song and no toads lifted their smooth baritone to the heavens. It was a night of sorrow.
“Lexi, I’m really sorry.”
I shook my head. I had to say what I had to say and then I’d leave. It hurt to be around Drew right now.
“I was wrong.” I placed a hand on his chest when he tried to talk over me. “I was wrong to ask you what I did. I know what we are. We’re friends.”
He tilted his head and appraised me.
“I’ve been letting my own desires and my own expectations cloud what we do have which is an amazing solid friendship. I’m usually not this aggressive and I don’t want to be that person anymore.”
“Lexi…”
“Drew,” I bit my bottom lip and admitted, “I need some space. Give me some time to get over whatever I’m feeling about you, about us, about me.”
“What are you saying?” He inquired.
“I’m saying don’t stop by my apartment with food anymore. Don’t call me about a new idea you have. Just email me what you need to about the show and I’ll get everything back to you on time. If we meet up at my parent’s house, pretend I’m not there.”
“How do you expect me to do that?”
“Just give me space.” I said more firmly. “That’s all I’m asking.”
Drew sighed and ran a hand through his now dry hair. “If that’s what you want.”
I swallowed a crater sized lump in my throat and then said softly, “That’s what I want.”
Walking away from Drew was the hardest thing that I’d ever had to do. He’d kissed me and the way he’d done it left no doubts in my mind that Drew had feelings for me too. But I was pushing myself on him, forcing us into a box that Drew obviously wasn’t ready for… if he ever would be.
As soon as I entered my cabin, all I wanted to do was roll into my bed and sleep. Unfortunately, four pairs of eyes regarded me with curiosity mixed in with a little bit of fear.
“Is Lindsey alright?” Shay asked, ducking her head.
“Lindsey’s fine. She’s just a little banged up.” I assured them.
“Why would she do that?” Ash wondered aloud.
I sat on my bed and it creaked with the weight of my body. “Well, sometimes, when people are hurt they act out and want to hurt others.”
“That sucks.” Renesha frowned.
I didn’t disagree.
“Come on, kiddos,” I tried to force a smile, “Cheer up. The King promised that we can talk to him whenever and he said that the Governor will guide us every day. Nothing that we do goes unnoticed.”
Some of the girls seemed to find comfort in my speech, but I wasn’t sure that it was enough to salve the uncertainty of all that had happened today. As bombastic as Lindsey was, she’d brought life to our cabin. I wished she’d known how much she’d impacted this group in the twenty four hours that she’d been a part of our world.
“Ms. Lexi,”
“Yes, Renesha?”
“Is Lindsey going to be okay.”
I smiled and squeezed the young girl’s hand. “I think so, Renesha. I have a feeling that Lindsey is in good hands.”
With that promise, the girls finally found their rest in sleep. I stayed awake for most of the night, waiting for morning to come.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
The next day, Drew honored my request that he keep his distance and leave me alone. It was a strange, new reality and even Susan and Mia noticed the way we tiptoed around each other the next morning. I felt a sense of relief when Jermaine organized us all onto the bus so that we could go home. I felt drained. Being around people for too long normally provoked this response, but it had been a heavy weekend and I felt that I hadn’t done much good in the way of being there for the other girls.
The bus dropped us off in the parking lot of The Gym and I didn’t even stick around to greet my parents or linger during the service, I got in Herbie and drove straight home. I cracked the door of my apartment open and greeted the silence with a smile. I headed straight for my bed and tossed my body unto it. Life was way too complicated if you faced it when less than seven hours of sleep in the span of two days.
I begged sleep to rescue me and it did, carrying me off into the sweet nothingness of a dreamless catharsis. A few hours later, I awoke refreshed and a little more hopeful. It was possible for me to move on from this insane crush. And maybe with a little guidance, Lindsey would shape up to be the woman that I knew she could be. I even enjoyed my dinner of Pop-tarts and milk a little more. For a minute during the camp, I’d assumed that I’d lost my zest for sugar overall. Thank God that was only a temporary thing.
I half-expected the phone to ring and the gang to barge into my apartment asking about the weekend, about Drew, and about the drama with Lindsey. Fortunately, everyone seemed to respect my space and I spent a languid night in my apartment alone and uninterrupted. The next morning, I woke up and got into my regular morning routine, preparing for a day behind the computer staring at codes. Around ten o’clock in the morning my phone rang, singing about being so sexy that it was painful.
Melody.
“Wow,” I teased my sister, “You waited this long?”
“Drew, Susan and Mia cautioned me. I was left with strict instructions not to bother you until today.”
“So they told you about Lindsey?”
Melody crooned, “I’m so sorry, Lexi. I feel like this is kind of my fault. The only reason you agreed to do this camping thing was because you thought the whole gang was doing it.”
“No,” I let my sister off the hook, “You know me. I do things when I want to and how I want to. I went on the trip because I felt like it.”
“Have you heard from the little girl since?”
“No,” I admitted, “But we have a hangout thing on Friday. I’m taking her to get some ice cream. I might mentor her a little. See if I can break some mentalities that she has about life.”
I could hear Melody’s surprise through the phone. “Wow,” She said, “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to sound weird but that’s so uncharacteristic of you.”
I snickered, “Am I that bad a person?”
“What? No!” Melody insisted, “But you’re normally so locked up in your own little world, I never thought that you’d do something like this.”
“Well,” I said since I was getting kind of offended, “I am.”
Melody backed off and started another topic of contention. “How about you and Drew? How did you interact?”
I told her about the kiss in the rain, the fact that he stomped away, and my own reaction to it.
“Whoa,” Melody commented when I was done, “That’s intense. Did you give him a chance to explain why he walked away?”
“No,” I admitted, “But it doesn’t matter. I was way too pushy and I should have backed off and gotten some space a long time ago. I need to remember who I am, the me before Drew Darcy, and then we can be friends again.”
Melody moaned
on my behalf, “Walking away from Spencer was one of the hardest things I’d ever done. Are you sure you’re ready for that kind of stress. At least Spence lived in L.A. Remember, Drew still comes to mom and dad’s all the time.”
“I know.” I sighed, “But I’ve just got to deal. I may miss a few family lunches in the meantime. Hopefully, I won’t die.” I joked.
Melody chuckled softly, “Do you think it’s safe to say that you love him?”
I breathed deeply. “I hope not.”
I could practically see my sister’s confusion.
I clarified. “If I do love Drew, the way I feel won’t ever go away. I can’t imagine that kind of torture.”
Melody laughed lightly, “People always promise that it gets better with time, but I’ve never experienced that kind of relief.”
“Thanks for the encouragement, Mel.” I shook my head.
“Hey,” She reminded me, “Buck up. You’re a Reyes and we Reyes women are stronger than we look. I have a feeling that everything will work out the way it’s supposed to in the end.”
“You’ve got more hope than I do.”
“That’s what big sisters are for.” She encouraged me. “Well, I don’t want to keep you back. Happy working.”
“Bye, Mel.”
I returned to my computer.
For the rest of the week, I carefully avoided talking to Drew on the phone or meeting up with him in person. All our correspondence was conducted through emails and I made sure to block his pictures and statuses from every outlet of social media that I was a part of. As much as it hurt me to be apart and as deeply as my heart yearned to return to its last obsession, I wanted to train myself to live without Drew Darcy.
I was Lexi Reyes, strong, independent, and capable of doing anything that I put my mind to. I was tired of feeling off-balance because of a man, tired of tip-toeing through my feelings because of fear. I wanted to move past the drama of crushes, unrequited love, and awkward encounters and just feel like me again.
On Friday, I had my first mentorship/hangout session with Lindsey. I asked her how her week was going as we bit into cold ice cream.
Have I mentioned that I love ice cream?
“I’ve been good.” The pretty Spanish girl assured me while licking at her cheesecake flavored treat.
“Any news from Brett?”
She scoffed. “He tried to IM me the other night, but I blocked him. I don’t need any more drama right now.”
I high-fived her.
“Nice.”
We chatted for a few hours and then I dropped her back home. Lindsey used to attend The Gym’s youth group but given the situation with Brett, she wasn’t too keen on going anymore. Given the circumstances, I didn’t blame her.
Speaking of avoiding people, I sat in the bench with my parents on Sunday morning. Drew sat behind me with the regular crew. It was the hardest thing to avoid his gaze when he’d entered this morning. Everyone, except for Melody, wondered at our awkward side glances and stalled conversation. I didn’t have the heart to be friendly with Drew when I wanted more than a friendship with him. I just needed time.
Just a little more.
That morning, Pastor Stanley spoke about the functions of the Governor.
“The Governor is a counselor.” He hopped down the first step leading to the main floor where all the pews were set up. “This means “advocate” and “helper”. It refers to someone who comes right alongside to assist us.” He nodded his head sagely, “You know, I’ve heard people say, ‘Well, I’m not committing to the Kingdom until I have enough strength to not do this or stop doing that’.”
He closed his eyes as if in great pain, “But they’re missing the point.”
He spun on his heels and addressed the filled benches to the left, “You may be struggling with the same problem over and over again because you are trying to fix yourself all on your own. But if you’re hoping to learn about the Kingdom culture, you need some help from the home country.”
The congregation clapped their hands and agreed with Pastor Stanley.
He continued to teach for a few more minutes and then broke up the study with a prayer. Afterwards, I stood and greeted everyone with a small wave of my hand before racing outside toward Herbie.
“Hey,” Jermaine stepped into my path.
I came to a shrieking halt.
“Hi, Jermaine.”
He looked shyly away. “I just wanted to thank you for your help this past weekend. I appreciate it. The girls in your cabin said a lot of good things about you.”
“Thank you.”
He stepped aside and let me pass.
“Goodbye Alexi.”
“Goodbye Jermaine.”
Another week of Drew-lessness passed me by. It got a little easier not to think about him, but I still found myself yearning for his company. As hot as Drew looked, I liked a lot more about him than that. He was funny and interested in my anime. He got my passion for animation and all things Oreo related. I liked the way I could talk easily to him without feeling shy or stupid or nerdy.
I missed Drew and I needed way more than two weeks to get over him.
I also missed my mother’s Sunday dinner and after two Sundays of avoiding her house like the plague on the off-chance that I’d run into Drew, I was more than ready for a little baked chicken love.
I tugged Melody into my spy mission and tasked her to text me when the group was leaving Mom and Dad’s that Sunday night. My sister lived up to her word, for when I pulled up to my parent’s house, no vehicles lined the driveway.
“Good night!” I called as I walked through the threshold of my Mom and Dad’s and slapped the screen door shut.
“Alexi Elizabeth.” Mom scolded for the hundredth time, “I am tired of talking to you about that screen door.”
“Sorry, Mom.” I scratched my nose and sheepishly said, “Any leftovers?”
Mom rolled her eyes and led me into the kitchen.
“Melody told me that you might be dropping by so I dished up a plate for you.”
“Aw, thanks.” I murmured.
See, sometimes big sisters did come in handy.
We padded to the kitchen where Mom grabbed my plate from the oven and set it before me.
“You want some Kool-Aid?”
“Yes, please.” I nodded, inhaling her amazing food and promising myself that I would get over Drew so that I could come back to this every week.
Mom poured me a glass and then took a seat beside me on the island counter.
“Where’s dad?”
“He’s sleeping.”
“Eryn?”
Mom smirked, “She’s on her computer in her room.”
“Cool.” I tore into my chicken leg.
Mom straightened her pink blouse.
“Lexi.” Mom said my name in that way.
I could feel the lecture coming the way people could feel the air changing before a storm.
“Mom,” I echoed in the same manner.
She cut me a look. “Of all my girls, you’ve always been the one with a good sense of who you are. You’ve never compromised for anyone.”
“Thank you.” I acknowledged the compliment while waiting for the ‘but’.
“But,”
There it was.
“You’re so closed to the little things that make life so much more meaningful.”
I frowned and protested. “I am very open to the little things that make life meaningful. Why do you think I eat so much chocolate.”
Mom pursed her lips and gave me the “Look”. “I’m not joking with you, Alexi.” Her tone was firm.
My smile dimmed and I couldn’t quite figure out what my mom was saying.
“I don’t get it, Mom. What do you want me to do? You want me to go out and make a million friends? Paint the world in rainbows? Leave my computer and my anime behind and start talking to real people?”
Mom seemed slightly offended. “I would never ask you to change who you are.” Sh
e shook her head. “You are not Melody and you are not Eryn. But I want to see you grow and I’m not sure that hiding from problems is the answer to that.”
I narrowed my eyes. “What did Melody tell you?”
“She didn’t have to tell me anything.” Mom pursed her lips, “I’ve been around you young people enough to know when somebody is in love with somebody else.”
I played with the grains of rice on my plate.
“Aren’t you and Dad the ones always going on and on about how love isn’t a feeling.”
“But it starts with feelings.” Mom countered.
“And what about the whole ‘intentionally dating’ sermon? Right? Dad goes on and on about the fact that we shouldn’t just date for fun. We should be ready for marriage and all that?”
Mom chuckled, “But if you don’t date, how are you supposed to know that that’s the man you want to marry?”
“Are you changing up a lifetime’s worth of lectures on me tonight?” I winced.
Mom shook her head. “You have a strict view of life, Lexi. You like explanations. You like formulas, a magical code that will guarantee a certain outcome.”
“I’m a programmer.” I agreed, “It’s what I do.”
“No, you did that when you were too young to know binary from decimal.”
I smiled lightly.
Mom continued, “The truth is that when it comes to people, there are no guarantees. You can follow the rules and take notes and do your homework, and still end up with a bad decision down the road. It’s a part of the risks of life. Sometimes, the man you married ten years ago changes into a completely different person even though you did all of your homework and research on him.”
“Are you telling me to just jump into a relationship without checking first because it’s worth the risk?”
“I’m telling you that,” Mom strengthened her tone, “living by principles is important. You don’t have a problem in that area.”
I sighed and covered my face, “But…”
“But,” Mom grinned, “To everything there is balance. You can’t try to live by all the rules on your own. That’s a lot of pressure for a twenty-two year old. For anybody!”