by Smoke, Lucy
"Erika, these are some of my friends," Grayson's tone changed on the word 'friends’, becoming more forced. I smirked as he introduced Knix and the guys. Knix stayed planted firmly in front of the door, not allowing Josh to bolt.
"It's nice to meet you," Erika said. "Would you like to come in for something to drink?"
"Actually," Knix announced, "we were just stopping by to pick up Josh and Harlow."
"Harlow?” Erika frowned as she glanced over at me. "Have you met JC before?"
I glanced at him, taking in his worried expression and the sweat dotting his brow. "Only briefly," I answered with a grimace.
"Your boss?" she asked. I nodded. "Oh...I was hoping you could have stayed longer."
I winced. "I'm sorry," I replied. "The guys were going to take me to the hospital later."
"I understand," she said. "I'd offer, but...my dad has the truck."
I hugged her. "It's no problem."
"Here let me get your bag." Erika hurried towards the couch and I elbowed Josh. He looked at me with eyes so wide, the whites were practically oozing from his eyeballs.
"Tell her goodbye and that you'll see her soon," I whispered.
"I-I..." he stuttered.
I sighed and grabbed his shirt, tugging him down so that I could whisper directly into his ear. "You're probably going to rehab," I assured him. "You don't have to tell her if you don't want to, but Grayson says that he'll pay for it. We're not the cops. If you give the stuff to Grayson to give back to the people you took it from, no one else has to know."
He slowly leaned away and I waited patiently. His expression didn't ease, but he nodded as Erika grabbed my bag and returned with it in her outstretched hand. I took it and thanked her, stepping back to give her privacy with her boyfriend.
"Baby," he said, taking her hand. "I'm...uh...gonna go away for a while."
"I know, silly, you already told me that," she chastised him.
"Right, yeah, I did. But...ah...I didn't, I might not be able to call you very often. It's gonna be for a few weeks." He glanced at Grayson, who had lifted the duffel and held it under his arm. "Maybe a few months."
"Oh." Erika's gaze strayed to the floor. "That's...uh...a long time."
"I want you to wait for me," he said. "I don't want us to be over. I'll try to call as often as I can, but...I don't know when that might be."
Erika sighed and dropped his hand to cup his face. She lifted up on her tiptoes and kissed him soundly. "You're so stupid sometimes, Joshua Caruso," she said. "Of course, I'll wait for you."
Josh ripped her up from the floor and kissed her again, holding her close to his chest. I grimaced. It was gross watching my best friend make out with someone that looked way too much like Grayson. I turned away and stepped out the door, leaving the guys to sort the rest out. At least I knew Grayson would make sure his brother was taken care of and Erika was happy. The rest could be dealt with tomorrow.
Marv swooped in and threw an arm over my shoulder. "Ready to head home?" he asked.
"Aren't you going to stay behind and figure stuff out?" I asked.
He shrugged. "That's Knix's deal. I'm off for the rest of the day."
"I can see that," I said, smirking at his dress attire. His suit coat was gone, his sleeves rolled up to his elbows, and the top two buttons undone. He almost looked casual.
"What?" he asked as I shook my head.
"Nothing, Marv," I laughed, opening the back door to the SUV.
He stopped me before I could get in. "Let's take the BMW," he suggested, nodding toward the dark BMW I had first met him in. "I'll drive you over to the hospital to check on your mom. Knix and the rest can catch up."
I shrugged and followed Marv to the BMW. He opened my door for me, and it felt like old times, sliding into the interior and smelling the clean car scent. I relaxed into the headrest and drifted as Marv got in and turned the ignition. As we pulled away from the curb, I watched Knix and Grayson lead Josh out into the yard. Knix opened the back door and ushered him inside, while Grayson went for the hunter green convertible that must have been his brothers. He looked up and caught me looking as we pulled away. I could have sworn he winked at me.
What a cocky asshole.
Epilogue
Sometimes, it physically hurt to walk into a hospital. I hated them so much. When people were too sick to go to work or school, they stayed home. When you were too sick to stay home, you went to a hospital. Marv walked with me as we headed for my mom's room.
"You gonna be okay going in there alone?" he asked.
I nodded. "They probably have her medication figured out, and they have nurses to make sure she doesn't forget to take it," I said. "There probably won't be any bad episodes as long as someone is taking care of her." Better than I ever could, but I didn't say that.
"Okay, I'll be out here if you need anything," he offered, gesturing to the waiting room across the hall.
I smiled and nodded as he turned and walked away. For several moments, I stood in front of my mom's door and then, with a sigh, I knocked quietly and entered. Light spilled into the darkened interior of the room, casting beams across the end of her bed and over the floor. I stepped inside and quickly closed the door, needing to be close to her, but not wanting to wake her.
The railings on either side of my mom’s hospital bed were pulled up and somehow, as I moved across the room to sit down on her far side, I felt like they made her even smaller. The large double-glass window at my back reflected the dim light of the evening. I grabbed the edge of one curtain and pulled it open to glance outside as I sat in my seat. I never understood why they gave patients windows, but no one ever opened the curtains.
“Hey, Baby.” I jerked around at the sound of my mom’s croaky and tired voice. Her weary eyes were open, though they appeared slightly sunken in.
“Mom.” I quickly reached for her hand and took it in mine. I enjoyed these moments with my mom; the lucid moments when she loved me, and she really was my mom and not some woman who would change on me with no warning.
“What’s wrong, Baby? You don’t look so happy.” Her wrinkled fingertips touched my cheek as I brought her hand to my face.
“How can I be happy when you’re here?”
“No, Baby. I know that look. You’ve known I’ve been on my way here for a long time. It’s something else.” Pulling away from me, my mom scooted as far to the side as she could and then patted the bed next to her. There was barely room for an extra pillow, but I wanted my mom to hold me and I couldn’t refuse her offer.
I crawled onto the bed next to her, lying on my side and squishing myself as far up against the bed railing as I could to give her room. She patted my face and smiled, waiting. I couldn’t talk yet, so I just traced my hand over her arm. It wasn’t until she laid her other hand over mine, stopping my motions, that I finally looked at her.
“Tell me,” she urged.
The strange burning in my nose that made me feel like I was going to both sneeze and sob at once returned. I lowered my gaze, staring off somewhere else. For all I knew, I could have been staring at the darkened TV across the room, but I didn’t know.
“Oh, Baby,” mom said. “It’s a boy isn’t it?” I released a shuddering breath. “Two boys?” she asked. I laughed. “Three?”
She was just teasing. She had no idea just how close to the truth she was. “How many boys have you been hanging out with?” she whispered when I didn’t reply right away. I snickered.
“It’s been a wild couple of weeks, Mom,” I finally admitted. She stroked my hair back from my face.
“What’s got you all bothered?” I relished in the feel of her motherly attention, sinking further into the hard hospital mattress.
“I told you how I got that job,” I started, hesitant, wondering if she would even remember. I could tell by the way she flinched that she wasn’t sure what I was talking about.
“That’s great, Baby,” she replied anyway.
“It’s um...well, I wou
ldn’t be able to go to college right away, but they would help me pay for your medical bills and they said they would even help me get into and pay for college if I wanted to go later.”
“Mmhmm,” she hummed, continuing to run her long fingers through my hair, sifting the strands over my shoulder. “And is it something you want to do?”
“I-I think so,” I said. “I’m not sure. They help people, but they would want me to work with a team and possibly move in with that team and I’m…scared.”
Mom was quiet for a long time after my admission, her hands curling through my hair, massaging my scalp. It felt so good that I almost fell asleep, but I couldn’t. I needed to know what she would say.
“Do you remember,” she began, “when you were a little girl and you watched the Olympics on that old, box television set we had?”
“Yeah?” I leaned back to see her face, confused.
“You loved the girls on the beam.” She smiled, reliving the memory in her head. “You thought they were superheroes. When you found out that almost anyone can practice gymnastics, you begged for classes. We started you out small, the free community classes, and you loved it. Do you remember your first competition?”
I hadn’t thought about gymnastics in a long time, but I remembered the one she was talking about. My heart had been racing, my palms damp and sweaty. “I remember,” I said.
“I was worried you were going to throw up on the matt,” she whispered to me as if admitting a dark secret. I chuckled.
“Me too,” I whispered back.
She smiled. “You were so scared, you begged me to take you home before it was even your turn. Do you remember what I told you?”
The memory was an old one. I tried to put gymnastics out of my mind since she had gotten sick. I had directed my focus to more important things like getting a job and paying bills. I didn’t realize how much I had missed the feel of spandex on my stomach and brushing over my shoulders as I performed until now.
“I told you that life is full of big scary things, but most of those big scary things only look that way because we’re so small. That when you walk up to the things that scare you, they aren’t usually so big or scary,” she whispered, sleepily. “You’re so full of life, Baby. I would hate for you to give up something that makes you happy just because it scares you. I hated that you gave up gymnastics. Whatever it is that you’re working on now, Baby, I can tell you love it already. If you didn’t love it, you wouldn’t be this torn. You can’t be afraid of making tough choices, Baby.” Mom yawned, resting her head back on the pillow. “Sometimes, you just have to do it. It’s one of those now or never kinds of things. Jump in like you did with gymnastics. Fight for it if you want it, or else you’ll spend the rest of your life wondering what could have been.” I watched as her eyelids drooped and closed, spreading her lashes over the dark circles under her eyes.
I used to love gymnastics. I had been absolutely heartbroken when I realized we couldn’t afford it anymore. Mom hadn’t been that bad yet, but she had been exhibiting signs of deterioration. Even when she took her normal medication, her moods would fluctuate. I hadn’t understood what was happening until the doctors explained it to me and even then, it was a very basic understanding.
She was right, though, about the memory. Gymnastics had been my safe place. Competition had turned it into a weapon that I didn’t like. I had been so scared of falling and breaking my leg in front of the hundreds watching. But fear wasn’t something that I could let myself fall victim to. Iris wasn’t the same thing, but I was still scared because I didn’t understand it. Yet, even beneath that fear, I trusted the guys. I knew they wouldn’t hurt me, that they would help me if I let them. I wanted to let them. I wanted to grow with them.
The door opened and Bellamy stood there, lit from behind by the hallway. He took one look at my mom and quietly assessed me to see if I was okay. I gave him a shaky smile and slid off the bed. Almost immediately, she slid to the middle of the mattress. I tucked her hair away from her face and bit my lip to keep the tears from leaking out.
Bellamy took my hand as I approached him and pulled me in for a strong hug. My hands shook as I raised them and clutched his shirt, burying my face against his wide chest. I sniffed and rubbed my nose between his pecs. He chuckled and stroked my head.
“Ready to go?” he whispered.
I took a step back, wiping under my eyes to make sure I was still in the clear before I nodded. He took my hand and led me out into the hall. I stopped when I realized he wasn’t the only one who had shown up. All of them had.
Knix was stretched out awkwardly in one of the uncomfortable waiting room chairs while Texas snoozed in the corner with a tablet on his chest. Marv paced back and forth in front of the nurse’s station, drawing several curious and appreciative gazes. Knix sat up, taking in my face and my hand clutched in Bellamy’s. He stood and approached as Marv strode to Texas and shook him awake. Texas’ tablet slid to the floor with a soft thud and he stood up, looking around in concern.
“So,” Knix said, as if he knew what I had been talking about with my mom. “What’s the verdict?”
Now was the time to tell them if I was in or out. I took in their gazes and felt the rising of fear stab at my chest. It had been so easy to stay in the gray with them, yet it had been difficult too. I didn’t like being left behind. Now, I had the choice to either step completely into their realm or remain in mine. I couldn’t live in limbo forever.
“Harlow?” Bellamy prodded.
I looked at them. Knix. Marv. Bellamy. Texas. It felt like something was missing. Maybe that something was me.
“Harlow, you have to give us something,” Marv said. “Don’t just leave us waiting.”
“Princess?”
“Little Bit?”
I laughed. They were all so nervous, just as nervous as me. It made me feel better, but they didn’t need to be because I already knew my answer. I knew as soon as I said it, a new door would open and for the first time in my life, I was ready to fight for it.
“I want to know about Iris,” I announced. They all stared at me.
“Are you sure?” Texas asked. “Because if we tell you, then that means that you’re…”
“Yeah,” I said. “I’m in.”
Knix smirked and drew me in for a hug. “Well, then, Little Bit,” he said. “Welcome to Iris.”
Power & Choice
Chapter 1
"Are you sure I look okay?" I asked as Marv pulled into his parents’ long driveway.
At the sight of their elegant manor, my heart rate kicked into overdrive. I wondered if, when he stopped the car, I could slide into the driver’s seat before he could open my door...or before he realized that I was stealing his precious BMW in an effort to get out of meeting his mom.
"Sunshine, you look fine. Mom's going to love you, don't worry." He smirked as he pulled up and cut the engine, taking the keys out of the ignition and sliding them into his pocket. I narrowed my gaze at him. Had he known what I was thinking? "She's nice," he reassured me.
"Of course she's nice to you," I said. "You're her son. I don't know if it's escaped your notice, but I'm not exactly..." I gestured down to the pale blue sundress he had bought me earlier. Had I known it was so that I would look nice when I met his mom, I might have dropped it in the mud. "… presenting who I really am."
"You're a beautiful young woman that I'm working with," Marv replied. "You're not lying to her."
"I don't wear these dresses on a normal basis, Marvin," I snapped, using his full name, which I never did.
He rolled his eyes and got out, striding around the front of the car, while I sat back with my arms crossed over my chest. Marv stopped outside my door to straighten his tie and suit jacket, before opening my door. He perched his arm at the top of the door as it hung open.
"Are you going to sulk in the car the entire time or are you going to come in and meet my mom?" he asked.
"Why do I even have to meet her?" I asked,
panicked. "It doesn't make any sense. I can't tell her about Iris, not that you have really told me more than the basics."
He sighed and folded both arms over the door, resting his weight against it. "She knows about Iris.” At my look of shock, he rolled his eyes. “She knows a little less than the basics – just that I work for an organization known as Iris that does a variety of work.” He huffed. “Can we go now?” When I glared at him, he sighed again. “Please come inside?"
My glare dissolved into a frown which then turned into what was probably a pathetic looking pout. "Ma-arv," I whined.
"Har-low," he whined back. I squinted at him. "Come on," he said.
Reaching inside and snagging my wrist, he tugged me out onto the driveway pavement...err...cobblestones. Geez. Cobblestones? Was that here last time? I hadn't gotten out of the car when I had tagged along to pick Marv up the last time I had seen his parents’ elegant Charleston countryside manor. I should have remembered the cobblestones – or better yet, Marv should never have tricked me into coming here. I wasn't good around parents. Not even my best friend, Erika's, parents and they had known me practically my entire life.
I wavered on my heels – the heels I chose to match this dress specifically – not knowing that I would have to walk across the most random cracks to ever grace a walkway surface. I clutched Marv’s coat sleeve as we walked towards the front stairs leading to the front door. How he could walk around in full dress when it was nearly ninety degrees outside, I couldn’t even begin to imagine.
My legs were bare from mid-thigh down to my strappy heels. The dress I had chosen was for the summer – I mean, it was a sundress. Two strings over my shoulders kept the dress just high enough for decency, but I was showing way too much skin to be comfortable meeting Marv's elegant, debutante mother. Marv chuckled when I dug my nails into his skin through his shirt sleeve in retaliation. That was another thing. I didn't have any nails! Marv's mom probably got her nails done every week. I had never even been to a nail salon. I barely remembered to try and paint my nails on a regular basis. Would she notice the chipping red polish in my cuticles?