“Guess we’re busted.” I turned back into my seat and kicked the bike back into gear.
“But it was so worth it!” Her voice trailed off on a giggle on the wind. She gave me another squeeze around the middle and there was no way I was going to complain about that.
Yeah, she was right. So worth it.
We rode on for another couple of hours. The terrain was varied. At times it was steep and rocky, sometimes flat and fast. We crossed creeks and popped the odd jump.
Finally, we had come to a little picnic area that Reed knew about. It was in a neighbours’ property that all the locals used from time to time. We stopped there and had a drink and a snack from the supplies we’d packed. The four of us relaxed on the grass. It was friendly and fun; something that I knew Eden didn’t experience very often.
I could tell Reed wanted to know what my decision was. He’d been eyeing me intently all morning trying to read my decision. When we finally got back to his and Carmen’s place, the opportunity presented itself.
Carmen and Eden had headed into the house to organise a late lunch. Reed and I were cleaning up the bikes and I knew that would be when the fight would come up. Reed wasn’t a patient man.
“That was a great ride, man. I really needed that,” Reed said to me as he hosed his bike.
“Yeah, it was. Pity Dane had something on, he could have used the fun as well,” I agreed as I took a cloth and started to chammy off the water from where my bike had been hosed.
“Yeah, he’s going to have a big program ahead of him.”
“I need to have a chat to him. Make sure he’s fully committed to the ride.” I was worried about my friend. Dane was a bad ass and a totally capable fighter but joining the pro-ranks was a whole different ball game. The pros took total dedication and commitment. I didn’t want him getting disappointed or worse, hurt.
“He’ll be fine. I’m more worried about you…”
“What do you mean?”
“Why don’t we stop dancing around? Are you taking the fight or not?” If nothing else, Reed was direct.
I stopped my wiping and looked over at him. It was time to come clean.
“I am.”
I noticed the hint of surprise flick across his face before it became a stern mask again.
“You up to it? And I don’t mean physically. You’re not in tip-top fight shape, but in eight weeks you will be. I’m more interested in where your head’s at.”
And wasn’t that the million dollar question?
“Reed, I’ve never lied to you yet, so I’ll give it to you straight. Just between you and me… for the first time ever, I’m fucking terrified about a fight.” I heard Reed suck in a breath and his face went dark. “For the first time in twelve hundred and eighteen days I’ve realised I’m terrified of hopping back into the cage, but the difference now is I actually want to do it. I need to do it.” Reed’s eyes flew open even wider and I could tell he was wondering what the hell I was doing contemplating a fight.
“Reed, I also realised last night I’m more terrified of not hopping into the cage and not achieving what I’ve meant to do my whole fucking life.”
Reed worked his jaw a couple of times, and considered my words.
“Are you absolutely sure?” His voice was harsh and this was my last chance to back out. After this the wheels would be in motion so to speak.
I paused for a second and searched my soul one last time. There was only one answer that was acceptable.
“Yes. I’m sure.”
“What about The Cobra?”
That was the easy bit. “I’ll never get over the guilt of what happened with The Cobra, but I can’t let it rule me any longer. For three years my guilt has been screwing with my integrity. I’ve been preaching to my students about fighting their demons, being better people, yada yada. Hell—you know the drill. I learned most of it from you and your dad. But I’ve been living my life as a fraud and it took Eden to point it out to me. I’m not going to live that life any longer. I need to start practising what I preach. Taking this fight is exactly what I need to do.”
Again, Reed was quiet for a few moments and that sort of pissed me off. He liked to run the whole “considered” line and I wondered when I would ever be considered equal in his eyes. It kind of pissed me off that I needed the personal validation, too.
Reed nodded towards the house. “She going to be a problem?”
I saw red and I stood up from where I was lounged against the bike. That comment had really pissed me off.
I pointed towards the house. “It’s Eden. And she’s exactly the reason I’m getting into the cage again. It was Eden who pointed out to me the lie I’d been living. I was asking her to fight her demons but I wasn’t prepared to tackle my own. That’s changed. I’m fighting. And you can fucking well thank her. You know I manage my priorities when I’m training but I will not prioritise Eden. She sits right up there beside this fight. I’ll make this commitment to you. You leave Eden and my relationship alone and I’ll give you everything. Don’t cross me on this, Reed. I’m not negotiable on this.”
Reed glared at me and I knew he wasn’t happy, but I’d made my terms clear. Besides, I wasn’t a kid anymore. I’d been a grown man for quite a few years now and I was a seasoned pro-fighter. I needed a trainer for this fight not a baby sitter.
Finally Reed spoke. “You said you’re going to take the fight—what about winning it?”
This time I pulled the pause thing. “A win is a given. I don’t take fights to lose them. Isn’t that what you taught and drummed the hell into me?”
Reed chuckled a little.
“Besides, as you pointed out earlier, I can’t risk fucking up this pretty face so I’d better be on my game.”
Chapter 16
Eden
Thursday afternoon rolled around again and it was time for my appointment with Grace. As I sat in the waiting area I took the time to really reflect over what had happened in the past week. It had been a whirlwind. My life suddenly seemed so busy. Far out, I’d probably come further in that week mentally than I had in the whole past five years. How was that even possible? For once, I was actually looking forward to the fact that I had something to talk about rather than have Grace trying to drag stuff out of me.
A few minutes later Grace invited me in, pulling me from my thoughts. Once we were settled she poured me a glass of water from her crystal pitcher and placed it on the coffee table in front of me.
“Well, you look brighter today? Something tells me you’ve got lots of news.” Grace gave me a genuine smile and I couldn’t help but agree.
“You’re right. I do have a lot to share.” I actually felt a little excited to be telling someone about my relationship with Xander. It wasn’t something I wanted to share with my sisters. Xander was their Sensei. No way was I going to talk to them about intimate things. I had Beth of course, but she’d been away visiting relatives. Everyone’s timing kind of sucked. I had suddenly made progress and I had news, but I either couldn’t tell some people, or the ones I could tell, were away.
Even mum was away and wouldn’t be back for another few weeks at least. So Grace was it. At least I didn’t have to worry about her getting uncomfortable or telling her stuff that I didn’t want told to others.
“Well, tell me what’s been going on.”
“So, after we last met, I’ve started to see Xander.”
“What do you mean by see?”
“Well he organised to pick me up from uni the first time and we went back to the dojo. He was going to start teaching me some self defence moves.” I paused it still shocked me even now. “He made me pull my hair back. Then he asked me about the scars. He wanted to know if they created any restrictions or issues for me exercising. Then he suggested that I show him…” I watched Grace’s eyes go wide.
“What did you do?” Uncharacteristically, she wasn’t quick enough to hide her surprise at what I was telling her.
“I let him look at them.�
� If Grace’s eyes were wide before, then now they were popping out of her head.
“How…” She seemed to be struggling for words for once.
“How did it happen? How did I feel?”
She nodded.
“Terrified, embarrassed, hopeful, liberated. It was kind of an avalanche of feelings all at once. I guess I started to have a bit of a panic attack. The feelings were very overwhelming but Xander made me breathe with him. He kind of talked me through the whole thing, asked me questions.”
“You didn’t feel embarrassed?”
“Well, at first, but the longer he looked and asked questions, no.” Then I got a little embarrassed and heat flashed over me. “He said I was still beautiful even with the scars and I’m sure, now looking back, that he actually meant it.”
“That sounds like there’s a lot more to tell. Go on…”
I told Grace about what we covered in the self defence sessions then I told her about him refusing to accept money from friends. I spoke about our weekend and what we did. What I didn’t tell her was how intimate our relationship was getting. That was a hurdle I was working up to.
“Haven’t you been a busy girl? You’ve gone from having next to no social life to being very busy. So you basically spent the whole weekend with him. What else happened?” Grace gave me a knowing look. “Do you have intimate feelings for Xander?”
I dropped my eyes. Oh yeah, I had intimate feelings for him, but I’d never really talked about my sex life or lack of it with anyone. Xander was the first person I told about what happened with Robert before the fire.
“Yes, I have intimate feelings for him.”
“And do you think he reciprocates these feelings…?” Grace asked gently.
I gave a little giggle. “Umm, yeah. We kind of slept together Saturday night.”
This time not only did Grace’s eyes pop out on sticks her mouth also dropped open in what could only be shock. It was kind of funny to watch actually. Was it wrong to be enjoying actually shocking her for a change?
“Let me explain. We had a very intense discussion about facing our demons. I did something I’ve never done Grace…I actually defended myself and turned a pretty heated discussion back on him. I guess both of us realised we had a lot of work to do to deal with our own fears. There’s more, but I don’t think you’ll understand how I could possibly have got to where we did, unless I tell you and I’m not entirely comfortable telling you because I feel it will break a confidence.”
“It’s up to you, Eden. I’m not asking you to divulge every little action and comment. I’m not here to pry into your personal life. I’m here to help you progress. You’ve told me more today than you ever have before.”
I nodded my understanding. I didn’t want to tell Grace about what Xander went through. It was his story and feelings. He’d shared them with me and I knew categorically he’d never done that with anyone else. That was a gift and I wasn’t about to devalue it by sharing it.
“So after our ‘very intense discussion’ I was really moved, I guess, by some of the things he’d said. I kind of threw myself into his arms and started kissing him madly. I should mention we had shared a few kisses the night before, but nothing had been intense and Xander made it clear from the outset that he wouldn’t pressure me and he hasn’t.”
Grace smiled and right then I realised she was a romantic at heart. “Go on.”
“We kissed for a bit then we headed to bed. He was adamant that he just wanted to hold me. So that’s how we slept. Nothing happened other than him holding me while I slept…It was the first time I’ve ever spent the night in bed with a man. Then the next morning we woke up and his hand was on my breast… and that kind of led a little further. We didn’t have sex or anything but he’s made it clear that is where it’s going ultimately. ”
“Oh my, you have had a big few days. Are you okay with all this? I mean just a couple of weeks ago you were struggling to meet new people, now you seem to be in a relationship with a man and intimacy is definitely something that’s on the agenda. Is that what you want to talk about?”
I shrugged a little. “I guess it is. I suppose I wouldn’t have told you otherwise. Although, you would have probably dragged it out of me anyway!”
“More than likely,” Grace agreed with a knowing laugh. “So what exactly do you want to talk about regarding intimacy?”
What did I want to know? “I don’t really know. I guess it all just seems to be happening fast and he’s been wonderful and I don’t feel the least bit pressured. Kind of the other way around to be honest,” I realised.
“So, you want me to reassure you that it’s okay for you to have a sexual relationship with this man you’ve started seeing. Is that it?” It felt like Grace was purposely playing dumb and we both knew she was far from it. I guess that was what I was looking for, wasn’t it?
“Am I doing the right thing?”
“Does it feel right?”
I couldn’t help but smile. It felt more than right whenever I was with Xander. I nodded.
“Eden, you’re a grown woman, first and foremost. Yes, you have scars and these have given you a lot of cause to have issues with your confidence and other aspects of social situations. It’s not for me to tell you whether you should or shouldn’t have a sexual relationship with Xander. That’s for you to decide. My advice is take it at your own pace and make sure you’re comfortable. It’s the same advice I would give any person when entering into a new relationship. Having scars is irrelevant in this case. It seems from what you’ve told me and the enormous progress you’ve obviously made, Xander has managed to reach you where we were all previously failing. That’s the beauty of being around different people. They bring different experiences, outlooks and approaches. Some people just click. You seem to have clicked with Xander. You need to start making decisions as a woman, rather than as a person with scars.”
We didn’t talk much more. What more was there really to say? I guess we could have dissected it for hours, but Grace was right. I was a grown woman. As long as I was comfortable with what was happening then that was all that mattered right?
The only person I had to answer to and consider was myself.
That was a little frightening in itself, I’d spent so long trying to hide from the real me.
* * *
Xander
I rolled my shoulders one last time as I finished my warm up. So far today, I’d run ten kilometres, done a killer steps session and then spent a couple of hours grappling with Reed. Now I was supposed to start some sparring drills with Dane. Only problem was the fucker wasn’t here!
Reed was off to the side madly texting on his phone and I could see his temper rising with every minute Dane wasn’t here.
“This was always my problem with Dane. Everything came too easy for him. Life was one big cruise. It’s one thing when his attitude affects himself but it’s another when it screws with other people. He gave me his word he was one hundred percent committed to this fight and to be your training partner…” Yep, Reed was officially pissed.
“He’s probably hit traffic,” I said trying to reason with Reed a little. I’d chew him out when the opportunity arose. But that was between two friends. This was different. Reed was now his trainer too, and Reed wouldn’t put up with this.
“This is his one and only chance to screw up. If he’s had issues getting here he should pick up his damned phone and let me know.” Reed was of course right, but he was also a punctuality Nazi. After sending one last text, Reed tossed his phone onto the bench seat that ran the side of the room. He probably used a little more force than was good for the phone..
“Okay, we’ll do some work on the pads while we’re waiting.” I nodded and checked the fastenings on the gloves I wore.
Reed held up the pads and started calling combinations. I worked through the first few slowly increasing my power and speed as I went, until I was working hard. It was nothing I hadn’t done a million times before. Then Reed st
arted to add some feigned counter strikes at random intervals in the combinations. The first caught me a little by surprise, but I managed to get my cover in place before Reed connected. He didn’t seem to feel it was necessary for him to indicate he was mixing it up! Well, that was fine by me because I wasn’t expecting “Lights Out” to give me a map on where he was going to hit either.
I worked solidly for ten minutes, much longer than a round, then took a break to grab a drink from the water bottle I’d left to the side. Reed moved over to his phone and checked the screen.
“Fuck. Still nothing from him.” I could almost see the steam coming out his ears. “Let’s keep going. We’ll add some kicks and knees.” That was code for anything goes. Reed would hold the pads and expect me to follow. He’d also throw in the odd strike. Fighting was as much a game of concentration and strategy as anything else. To win a fight you had to not only have superb technique and stamina, but you also needed to be mentally tough and able to adapt your game plan and strategy to suit whatever your opponent decided he was going to come at you with.
We worked on for another half an hour when finally Dane walked through the door.
He didn’t even take his bag to the lockers. Instead he dumped it on the bench seat and started to pull out gloves to get organised.
“What do you think you’re doing?” Reed bellowed. Dane looked at him a little sheepishly. “You turn up almost an hour late, you don’t answer your phone, you don’t contact me or Xander and then you expect to waltz into this session…” Reed shook his head in disbelief.
“It’s one thing to put your own training in jeopardy and disrespect me; it absolutely sucks to do it to your best mate when he has the fight of his life in just a few weeks.” Reed’s tone would have cut toughen steel.
Dane had nothing. What could he say to that?
Finally he went to open his mouth. “Don’t even think about offering an excuse.” Reed cut him off before Dane had a chance to get a word out. “Xan take a break and rest up. Dane can hit pads for a bit.” Reed had an evil glint in his eye and I saw Dane wince. We both knew that what I’d just done was nothing compared to the torture that Dane was about to endure. “Once we’re done here, we’ll get that sparring done. Dane should be nice and warm by then.”
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