by Eve Paludan
“Are you sure?”
“Yes.”
“How do you know?”
“I just do. He knows it, too. You just have to take my word for it. I’ve tried over and over to find him in every lifetime that I could. My brain might be muddled with a bunch of weirdo spirits I have picked up along the way, but one thing remains the same. I love Ramon. And he loves me.”
“You don’t have to die, Amanda.”
“Yes, I do, Pauline. I have messed up so many times before in past lives and so has he. This is my last chance to be with him in eternity.” Then she pleaded, “Switch back with me. I’m begging you.”
My heart went out to her. That she believed all that she was saying was clear. Did I believe it? Oh, yeah. It explained a hell of a lot about Amanda Jordan.
“But I can’t break the rule of karma about selflessness,” I said. “I can’t just believe in it. I have to live it. Even in death.”
Mack said softly, “There is another karmic rule. In order to change the future, you have to release the past.” He paused. “You must give Amanda back her body, Pauline.”
“I see,” I whispered. I did try, but I couldn’t quite make it happen. My vision got hazy, but out of the corner of one eye, I saw Ramon’s spirit rise out of his body, pass through mine, and stand over me. For a moment, he stood staring down at me with loving, sad dark eyes.
I said, “Wait, I have to send them into the light…the other spirits in Amanda’s body. I have to send them Home.” I concentrated and saw myself in a field of California poppies under a blue sky, along with the others who seemed stuck in time to Amanda. Almost all of them were dressed in clothing from other eras. Some of them were even men.
“Go Home,” I told them. “Leave Amanda in peace and go into the light.” I saw a big column of light and I urged them to go into it. Single file, there was quite a parade of them, dressed in clothing from medieval times, through Edwardian, and through many wars, and up to now. It was weird. I had never seen anything like this before. Strangely, they all had Amanda’s face, even the men. When there was only one spirit left, I opened my eyes.
“They are Home, all of them but this one spirit, the one that should be here in Amanda’s body, is here. I have seen them all safely Home, except her. Your precious Amanda.”
Mack put his arm around Ramon’s shoulder. “Hang on for a minute, Ramon. Don’t go yet.”
Ramon nodded slightly. He was crying ghostly glowing tears.
“She’s dying,” Allison said. “Pauline is dying in Amanda’s body.”
“I’m too weak from helping them all go Home. I can’t do it, Mack,” I whispered. “I can’t switch back with Amanda. I’m stuck in her body!”
“I’m trying to switch back, but I don’t know how to do it,” Amanda said from my body, tears in her eyes. “I am going to lose Ramon again! It’s been centuries of this!”
“I love you, Pauline. I love you so much,” Mack said, his eyes only on mine.
I couldn’t answer. I was now powerless to do so. My breath became harder and harder to draw and lights flashed before my eyes—sparkling lights that winked on and off like distant stars. Is this how life ends?
As I blinked my eyes against the flashing lights, and saw the loving faces that surrounded me, Allison Lopez bit her own wrist and dropped one single drop of blood on my parted lips.
It ran down my throat, and I could not even swallow. I gagged as she passed a finger over my throat, making that drop of blood go down.
I didn’t understand, but whatever was in Allison’s blood, suddenly, I was able to get strength to begin the switch with Amanda.
Tell me what is in your blood, Allison. I said this to her telepathically. I knew we connected when she shook her head in reply.
I heard her voice in my head: I can’t tell you, Pauline.
Suddenly, in a psychic flash, once again, I saw the pretty, dark-haired ‘good’ vampire who was Allison’s friend. And I knew that somehow, the Allison had gotten some supernatural powers from her. Supernatural powers that could save a life. But not powers so grand that she could reverse a death. No, not that powerful.
That terrible night, Amanda Jordan died in her own beautiful broken body and left me standing, sobbing over hers in my perfectly live one.
Chapter Fourteen
When Mack and I got back to my apartment, I dropped down on the couch, emotionally and psychically exhausted. Yes, psychically. My heart was heavy and my soul was tormented by all that had taken place.
“That was the worst day of my life.”
“I’m sure.”
“I’m Pauline again. I never thought I would be so glad to be me, but I am. I’m grateful to be here right now. I don’t know what that says about me, though. I’m feeling like a hypocrite that my job is to help spirits go into the light, but I didn’t want to go there myself. I mean, not truly. Someday, I want to go Home, but not yet.”
He nodded somberly.
“You’re very quiet.”
He did not reply. Mack just stood silently by, just watching me.
I wanted a drink so badly. And a cigarette. But I wanted that drink more than anything. I wanted to numb myself to what had happened. To what I’d done and what I’d lost: a beautiful, vibrant woman had placed her life in my hands and I had failed to protect her and her boyfriend. I just wanted to get drunk and not worry or think about anything for a few days. But I didn’t. I couldn’t. Not when I had come so far.
“I’m sad for them,” I said.
“Me, too,” Mack said.
“I can’t believe I lost a client. That should never have happened, Mack.”
Mack paced the room, but didn’t say anything.
I stood and walked over to the window and looked out at the night beyond. It would be morning soon. I breathed a regretful sigh. “I didn’t even get to give her a proper goodbye.” I said softly.
He nodded.
“My hindsight should have been foresight. I am disgusted with myself in the aftermath.”
He sighed. “If it makes you feel any better at all, Amanda’s spirit is with Ramon’s now. I saw them together. They looked happy.”
At least there was that. “Ramon absolutely loved Amanda, and she loved him back. So, it makes my heart a little happier to know that they are together in the next world. Or headed for it.”
He managed a soft smile. Even for a ghost, Mack looked tired.
“Did they cross over? Did they go into the light?”
Mack hesitated for a moment. “It did come. They didn’t go into it.”
I pondered over that for a moment.
“Mack, did the light come for you?” I asked. “Right after you passed away?”
He nodded, but refused to meet my gaze.
“Why didn’t you go into it?”
Mack simply looked away and remained silent.
Chapter Fifteen
I didn’t know Ramon at all, not really. I only knew what I’d come to learn of him from our one night together. He’d seemed like a remarkable man who had been full of life, vigor, and passion.
I’d felt obligated to attend his funeral since I’d been there when he’d died. And because of what we’d shared. Or at least what he’d thought he’d shared with Amanda.
It was all still a confusing mess in my head, but I’d gone to his funeral because I felt like I owed it to him.
Julie and Allison obviously hadn’t felt the same way, since neither of them had accepted an invitation to go with me. Just as it seemed was so often the case, it was just me and Mack.
After it was over, we’d gone from Ramon’s service and were now sitting in at Amanda’s gravesite service, making it the second-worst depressing day of my life. Ever.
I sat in the metal folding chair long after the service had ended. I was remembering her smile. The way Amanda had laughed haunted me. I remembered the light that seemed to shine so brightly within her. A light that was now extinguished.
I looked around and saw
that everybody else had already left. Mack and I were the only ones left sitting at her gravesite. I was staring at the picture of Amanda that sat near the spot where the headstone would eventually be.
“Well, Pauline. Are we going to sit here all night?” Mack asked.
“We might.”
“Okay,” Mack replied. “It’s not like I have a hot date or anything.”
Ouch. Mack knew how to get his digs in about Ramon.
I thought back to some of the things Ramon had said—things like his soul and Amanda’s were destined to be together.
“What do you think about soulmates, Mack?”
“Soulmates?”
“Yeah, do you think that two souls out of the billions of people on the planet can find their way to each other, simply because it was meant to be?”
Mack thought about it for a few long moments. “I don’t know,” he admitted. “The whole soulmate concept once seemed sort of unlikely to me…before Ramon and Amanda. But then, what do I know? I can tell you that it’s a beautiful concept and I like believing that it could exist. But with so many people in this world, it seems difficult to fathom that every person would find THE ONE and be able to hang onto that one true thing.”
I replied, “I think they were just very, very lucky to have that kind of a connection that would last through lifetimes. What are the odds?”
“Not good,” he said.
Soulmates were something I’d wanted to believe in my whole life. I wanted to believe that there was somebody out there who was meant for me and only me.
“Don’t look so sad, Pauline.”
I raised my head at the familiar tenor voice and felt my heart fill with joy to find myself looking into Amanda’s eyes. Her ghost eyes.
Her shimmering spirit stood there in front of her grave, hand in hand with Ramon. “Hi, Pauline.”
“Amanda, I’m so sorry,” I started. “For everything. What I did was horrible. Terrible. Inexcusable. And I’m so—”
“It’s okay.” She gave me a reassuring smile. “I’m where I’m supposed to be. So is Ramon. We’re together and that’s what matters. There’s no apology necessary. You couldn’t have stopped this from happening if you had ten witches on your team, and ten mediums. It was destiny. Big, bad beautiful destiny.”
As she spoke, I immediately felt a terrible weight lift off my heart. I smiled at both of them and suddenly wished they’d stick around forever. But of course, that wouldn’t be fair to them.
“I’m glad you came back.”
“I just wanted to tell you that it was all okay,” Amanda said. “I know how you are, beating yourself up, and I knew that if I hadn’t stopped to tell you that, you were going to torment yourself for the rest of your life. I didn’t want that to be my legacy that you cringe every time you think of me.”
“I don’t want you to go, Amanda,” I said softly.
She looked at Ramon with pure, unadulterated love in her eyes. “Thanks. But I think I’m going to have to. I don’t know what’s next for Ramon and me, but I’m excited that we have eternity in front of us. It’s a new adventure. I mean, when we go Home.”
As I stood there gazing at them, I saw a window of light roll up behind them. It was nearly blinding, but it was beautiful.
My heart soared with happiness. “It’s time for you to go.”
Amanda nodded and gave Ramon a perceptive look. It was written all over her face that she was…happy.
“See you in the movies, Pauline,” she said in parting.
Together, the spirit couple turned and walked toward the light. But just before they reached it, they stopped and turned back around.
“Mack,” Amanda called, “aren’t you coming with us?”
“Hurry,” Ramon said.
Chapter Sixteen
Mack hesitated as they left without him, his eyes lingering until their silhouettes were swallowed by intense, radiating beams of light that stretched toward them like…fingers.
“Mack, you should go into the light,” I said. “Who knows when, or if, you’ll get another chance?”
Mack took several steps toward the light, but pivoted to look at me. “Pauline?”
Prickles went up the back of my neck. “Mack! Go! I’ll be fine.”
“No.” His eyes held mine in sincere compassion. Behind him, the light slowly withdrew. The opportunity for Mack to go into the light was lost.
Disappointed tears sprang to my eyes. “Mack! What were you thinking? You, of all people, should know how rare it is to get the chance to go into the light. You might have missed what could have been your last chance to go Home.”
In a soft voice, he said, “The light will come for me when it’s time. I won’t hitchhike along on someone else’s journey Home. Not that I couldn’t have joined them, but that invitation was not meant for me. They were just being kind to include me.”
“How do you even know that?”
“I just do.”
“Stop stalling eternity,” I scolded, hot tears burning my eyes and running down my cheeks.
He chuckled, though there were tears shimmering in his own ghostly eyes. “Eternity can wait.”
I took a chance and unburdened my heart. “I know the real reason you won’t go into the light.”
“You do.”
Taking a deep breath, I let it out. “When I was in Amanda’s body after she fell, and her body was dying, I heard you say, ‘I love you, Pauline.’” I swallowed hard. “That’s why you won’t go. Because of me. You love me and that’s why you’re holding back. You don’t want to leave me.”
He moved toward me. “I wish I had arms to hold you right now for more than a second or two. Warm ones that you could feel for hours and hours.”
“Me, too,” I admitted. “But why did you say you love me?”
He shook his head. “Don’t you think that when someone is dying, the last words they should ever hear are that someone cares about them?”
“Yes, but—”
“Hold up, Pauline. I thought you were dying in Amanda’s body and I didn’t want you to leave this plane of existence without knowing how I truly felt.”
Instead of a sob, a bitter laugh exploded from me. “I’ve always known how you felt.” It felt like truth as I said it. “If you didn’t feel something for me, you wouldn’t be stuck to me like a ghost dressed in Velcro.”
“That’s part of it, but you don’t know the bigger picture. And I can’t tell you. Not yet.”
Chapter Seventeen
“This is torture, Mack, to keep me in the dark, for years, about why you stay with me.”
“I can’t leave you like this. You’re so broken. You think you don’t deserve my love, or anyone’s, for that matter.”
“Stop it. I hate it that you know the most private things I think and feel. It’s not fair.”
He gave me a light shrug. “I’m psychic, too, you know.”
“I never thought of it that way.”
“Your problem is more complex than drinking yourself sick and isolating yourself from intimate, loving relationships with others. It goes back, way back, to your childhood and something that happened then.”
“No.”
“Yes.” He nodded. “Something that happened to you, similar to what happened to Amanda when she was a child. That’s how you two found common ground so quickly and were able to switch minds between your bodies so easily. You were joined by similar tragedy and loss of your innocence.”
“I can’t believe you know about that horrible thing that happened to me. I’ve never told anyone. Not even my mother.”
“You didn’t have to tell me, Pauline. It’s written on your heart like a big scar that keeps breaking open every time you almost love someone—but then you run away or just sabotage the relationship so they will run away from you.”
I curled my lip in distaste. “I do that?”
“Yes. You think you’re too damaged to love someone back and that’s why you practice these self-loathing habi
ts.”
I hung my head. “It’s true. That did happen to me and that is how I react. My drinking was the outward evidence of my coping mechanisms.”
“I can see your broken heart, Pauline. One good thing came out of that experience, though.”
I nodded. “The first time I had a supernatural experience was when I left my body so I could escape the terrible thing that was happening to me.”
“You were a little girl learning out-of-body techniques. And a brave little girl, too.”
“I was so scared. I was six.”
Mack’s fists tightened. “If I knew who he was, I would find him, even in the spirit world, and I would hurt him. I have been looking for him, for years.”
“Thanks, Mack, but if this is holding you back from going Home, I hereby release you from this wish for revenge. It doesn’t become you.”
“Who is he? Tell me, Pauline. Let me send him to the darkness.”
I was touched, but alarmed. “I don’t know who he was. Truly. He was a stranger. When I was riding my bike home from school, he grabbed me, kidnapped me, did what he wanted to me, and dumped me in a ditch. I woke up and it was late afternoon. I found my way home and told my mom I fell off my bike. I did fall off it, when he hit me with his car.” I paused. “I don’t want to talk about the rest of it. I don’t want to relive it. Please, Mack.”
Mack nodded. “All right. You asked me why I stay. When you’re whole again, things will change. For the better. And we will go a different way. Together.”
“No. If the light comes again, you’d better go into it. Don’t let anything stop you from going. Not even your concern for me. I won’t rob you of your destiny like some…codependent.”
“I’ll go when it’s time and not before.” Mack moved closer to me so his amorphous shape was inches from mine and I could see his shimmering eyes holding mine as he admitted, “I’m kind of like Ramon, who was waiting for Amanda.”
“Wait just a doggone minute. So, you’re waiting for me to die?”
“Don’t rush it.”