by Eve Paludan
I caught myself. Us? No, no, there cannot be an us. How could there be? I was a corporeal form. Mack was not. How could a spirit and a live human love each other? I still did not know how to make sense of it…that I not only loved Mack, but I was in love with him.
My emotions were raw as I parked my car in the apartment complex parking lot in Echo Park and used my key to enter my apartment. I hurried through the living room, dining room and kitchen, which someone—Mack—had tidied, cleaned, and organized. There were even fresh roses in a vase on the dusted dining room table.
The sweet aroma was also coming from my bedroom. Unable to hold in my anxiety any longer, I burst through my bedroom door, screaming, “Mack!”
His deep voice replied, “I’m right here, Pauline. Why’re you yelling?”
“Oh, Mack. Thank God, you’re still here. I thought you might have left me!”
“Why would I do that, Pauline?” he asked in a gentle tone.
“I don’t know,” I exhaled, “I couldn’t reach you, psychically, and I was absolutely grieving! I thought you might have been fed up with me and gone…Home. I was afraid that I wouldn’t even get to say goodbye.”
“Like James did?” He let out a soft breath, cocking a shimmering eyebrow.
“Like everyone does. Spirits go into the light. They go Home. It’s what’s supposed to happen!”
“I’m still here. I’ve been busy preparing for your return.”
“I see that. By the way, the entire place looks beautiful. Better than ever.”
“Well, I’m the one who wrecked it. I should have been the one who cleaned it up. So, I did.”
“Good job,” I said.
“I’m sorry I destroyed your apartment. That was uncalled for.”
“It was, but I’m sorry I called you a poltergeist. That was uncalled for.” I glanced around my bedroom, taking in the sight of what he had prepared for me. For us. “Why did you do all of this, Mack?”
“Because it’s time.”
I nodded. I knew what he meant. His jealousy over Ramon had awakened something in him that he, too, had been holding back. So now, Mack and I were about to take a leap of faith into something extraordinary.
Sometimes, Mack was tangible for short bursts of time, but never continuously. He often knocked over a chair in the living room, but he could also pass through walls. I didn’t understand it completely. Just accepted it.
Now, he stood in my bedroom in a circle of TV remotes surrounding my bed. A trail of rose petals led to the bed. One eyebrow lifted when I saw his intent in the path of those rose petals. A lump rose to my throat.
Mack was freshly showered and his salt-and-pepper hair was perfectly combed. He was wearing a towel tightly wrapped around his torso, something I had never seen before from him. He looked fit and…sexy.
“Did you really take a shower?” I asked, trying to tear my eyes off his muscular chest.
“I did. First time since I died.”
“How was it?” I asked.
“Glorious.”
When I looked in Mack’s shimmering eyes, all I saw was love. I swallowed hard. It seemed we were both regretful of what had taken place recently.
I changed the subject. “What’s going on with all the TV remotes in a circle?”
“I needed a lot of power. I had Julie buy them for me because we had to clean out a Walmart to accomplish it.”
I gave him a puzzled look. “Wait a minute. Julie came over while I was out of town?”
“Yeah, she came to pour out all your liquor. She banged on the door, screaming my name until I let her in. She even found your hidden bottles, here and there, and dumped out every drop.”
I digested that for a few moments. “Wow. What an amazing friend she is. Was.”
“Was?” he asked.
“Was. She and I sort of broke up as friends. Well, she rejected my friendship.”
“I’m so sorry, Pauline. Do you want to talk about that?”
“No. If Julie ever decides to be my friend again, which I doubt, we will have lost something between us. I don’t think it can be repaired.”
“But the question remains, can we? Be repaired, I mean?” “Absolutely. Our communication is at a deep level of…what the Greeks call agape.”
“Selfless love,” Mack said. “Love as it is meant to be.”
I nodded. “Yes.”
“You’ve changed a lot since you woke up on the bathroom floor.”
“It was a long time coming. Hitting bottom. Now, it can only go one way from there, right?”
“Absolutely.”
Under his intent gaze, I turned my eyes to the remotes again. “What are you up to with all the TV remotes?”
“I’m using them for extra power boosting, so I can stay manifested and tangible. It’s my power circle.”
“Wow!” A thrill went through me.
“You’ve seen it before when we ghosts play poker and take hits off the remotes. It’s not witchcraft, just technology. Now, I’m using it to be able to do things for you. Like clean the apartment. I just touch them when I need a power boost and, voilà, I’m tangible for much longer.”
“Nice work if you can get it.”
He laughed. “I can be tangible at other times, too. It just takes a lot of energy to maintain it for longer than a few seconds.”
“That’s a lot of batteries.”
“I needed them.” He licked his lips. “Let’s cut to the reason for me showering for the first time in years. Never mind that I’m a ghost.”
I smiled uncertainly and nodded for him to continue.
“I want to kiss you so badly, Pauline.”
I felt my knees weaken. “I want to kiss you, too, but I’m afraid to start this next part of whatever this is between us.”
“Why?” he asked softly, his body shimmering.
Outside, it thundered and lightning flickered, as if Mother Nature herself felt the tension inside my bedroom.
“Because if you kiss me, it’ll make you want to stay, to never go into the light.”
He smiled. “I wouldn’t say never. Maybe I’ll just wait for you until you’re good and ready to draw your last breath and then, we’ll go together. When it’s your time, not sooner.”
“Like Amanda and Ramon left together?” I asked.
“Yeah, seeing them leave together, it did something to me, Pauline. It made me want something more with you. But not someday. Now.”
“It did something to me, too. But you’re a ghost. You and I can’t—”
“Who says we can’t, Pauline?” His voice was passionate. “Who is gonna tell us that our love is wrong? Who is this unseen law giver?”
I shrugged. “You know who. The big guy upstairs.”
“Respectfully, where is it written down that a couple such as us is treading in forbidden territory?”
“I don’t know.”
He took a deep breath. “There are ghosts and spirits in the Bible.”
“Famously so,” I agreed. “But—”
“Don’t say ‘but!’” Mack shook his head. “Are you saying He would tell me that I am not allowed to love you with all my heart?”
I was stunned at his confession. “Mack, you must know that you’re everything to me, but this is gonna change our dynamic.”
“I hope so. I don’t just want to be the ghost who lives with you in your apartment. I don’t want to be just your platonic and annoying ghost best friend. I want an us.”
“Me, too,” I whispered. “But…”
“Don’t say you don’t love me. Please, don’t say that.”
This was heavy, very heavy. Mack was laying himself bare to me and asking me for…my heart.
I finally threw down my purse and suitcase, and kicked off my shoes. My heart pounding, I walked into the circle of the TV remotes, my bare feet crushing the rose petals into the carpet as I inched toward Mack. As I drew closer, I realized that he was completely tangible, even though he shimmered.
He
stroked my cheek with a warm hand and tears sprang to my eyes as I felt his touch.
“Oh, Mack!” I said as he caressed my face and looked into my eyes with the kindest, sweetest expression. “How are you this tangible?”
“I’ve been powering up with electronic gadgets for the entire time you were gone. You might have kind of a large electric bill this month.”
I laughed as my tears threatened to spill. “Okay.”
He continued, “I used your one-click ordering on Amazon to get overnight delivery of a few gadgets that ghost hunters use to amp up spirit voices and things.”
“Oh, boy. When ghosts go online shopping. How much did all that cost?” I laughed until I almost cried. “Never mind, I don’t care about the money. I missed you, Mack. I was so scared you would be gone when I got home.”
“You went looking for Amanda’s mother?”
“I found her. You’ll be happy to know she’s made her peace with her child’s death.”
“That’s incredible.”
“You’re incredible, Mack.” My voice trembled and I struggled not to break down. “I missed you so much.”
“I missed you, too. I’m sorry I wrecked your apartment because of you and Ramon.”
“Oh, Mack. Come on! That wasn’t even my body.”
“I know, but your brain was there and you experienced all of that pleasure. Pleasure that I did not give you. Do you understand why I flipped out?”
“Yes. But I never knew the level of your feelings before. I knew mine, but you are good at guarding your thoughts. As ghosts are.”
He nodded. “I’m not just a spirit, Pauline. I’m a man, and I have all of the bells and whistles, and all of the faults that took my gender down, dating all the way back to caveman days. It was inherent in me to go absolutely crazy that another man had his hands on your beautiful brain, even when your brain was in someone else’s body. It wasn’t a physical betrayal to me. It was an emotional one. That was what turned me inside out.”
I huffed in embarrassment. “I’m not apologizing for what I experienced in Amanda’s body. There were supernatural forces beyond my control compelling me to—”
“I believe you now, about that. I’m not asking you to apologize. My emotions about it are complex, but it’s mostly a guy problem. I wasn’t just crazy jealous. I was envious that I didn’t have a body to please you, to make love to you. To make you cry out my name. And to hold you after in a beautiful afterglow.”
“Greta Garbo’s ghost told you the tawdry details.”
“Yes. She thought I should know. She was outside the room when she heard a female voice proclaim her love to Ramon.”
“Oh, Mack. You must know that I didn’t mean to hurt you. I was doing and saying what I thought Amanda would do and say.”
“I know you didn’t mean to hurt me, but knowing your consciousness was physically in another man’s arms, and that you said you loved him, it almost broke me.”
“It shouldn’t have.”
“I’m still human. Sort of.”
I shook my head. “You’re more than human. And let’s face it, it was fun for me to be in that amazing body and with that supermodel face. Amanda was much prettier than me.”
“Not to me,” Mack shook his head. “Just the way you are, Pauline, you’re the most beautiful woman in the world.”
“Liar. Just shut up and please, for God’s sake, kiss me before I chicken out.”
“Before I do…no more chickening out on anything, Pauline.”
I nodded. “No more chickening out, I promise.”
“No more boozing it up either?”
“I hope not.”
He laughed. “No more smoking?”
“Would you stop nagging?”
“No more going in other people’s bodies?”
“Hey! I can’t promise that and I won’t promise that. I’m a medium. I do whatever needs doing. And I needed to be in Amanda’s body. She got possessed by a Native American spirit during a drumming and chanting session in the Hollywood Hills. And she had other people’s disturbed spirits in her, too. I went into her body to save her from all of that confusion. And from a bad end. The light might have never come for her—not as she was when I met her. I did everything right, except protect her from the spirit of her murderer.”
“Your chutzpah is infuriating to me, you know.”
“As infuriating as yours is to me.” In a more tender voice, I said, “Let’s not waste all of this electricity you used to manifest yourself into a tangible man. Come here, Mack.”
“No. You come here. You have to want it. You have to want me. Not some sexy Latino actor.”
“Would you shut up about Ramon already? He was Amanda’s lover. Not mine. I do want you. More than I’ve let on, even to myself.”
“Well, I’m all yours now.” He flashed me a confident smile. “Show me what you want from me.”
I swallowed hard.
“I feel you, Pauline, you must know. I’ve felt the way that you want me.”
“Tell me.”
“I’ve felt how you pushed down your desires and denied…joy…to yourself, time after time. You buried your ache for me and your desire for me in a booze bottle for a long time—but now that habit’s gone.”
I nodded. “The bottom line was not altogether you. The drinking was hurting my psychic abilities. And I cannot have that. I have to be able to communicate with spirits, and especially, with you.”
He smiled, his eyes glimmering with anticipation. “I was waiting, you know, for you to do that all on your own. To give up the substances. I didn’t want to leave you in such a mess and go into the light and leave you on Earth as such a…train wreck.”
I almost sobbed.
“No self-pity, Pauline. You’re honoring your true purpose now.”
I nodded, but remained silent. I was enjoying Mack’s confident, endearing speech about me.
He continued, “Now, no more masking your true feelings, your wants, your needs.”
“Easier said than done.”
“I know. But you’re naked to me now and I’m not talking about clothes. Your self-denial of joy has been a complete and utter tragedy for me to watch.”
“To me, too. I see things more clearly in the now.”
“And in this now, Pauline,” he said huskily, “I dare you to love me the way you really want to love me.”
Chapter Twenty-six
I stepped closer and reached up to run my hands through his salt-and-pepper hair. It was so thick and soft. “I can’t believe you’re this tangible. This warm.” I touched his lips with a fingertip and he gasped softly.
“I feel you, too! I don’t know how long it’ll last. This isn’t like impulsively knocking over a chair in a second. I have to have a lot of concentration and energy to stay manifested like this.”
“Then we should hurry.” I paused. “But what if the light comes for you while we’re—”
“Shhh. Don’t manifest the light by thinking about it. You know how powerful you are.”
“Right,” I said. “Silly me. The Law of Attraction.”
“You use it all the time.”
“So do you.” I looked up at him, closed my eyes, and waited. I didn’t have to wait long.
He kissed me in such a tender way, such a loving way, that it made me gasp. A gasp he covered with his lips as he painted mine with kiss after kiss after kiss.
And then, he pulled back to gaze into my eyes. In his, I saw myself and I was…beautiful. Not like Amanda. Beautiful like me. Me!
“More?” he asked.
“Yes. I mean, this is so lovely, but Mack, I’m scared. What’s going to happen if we do this terrifying, beautiful thing with each other?”
“Something good will come of it, Pauline. Out of love, goodness springs. Always.”
“Always,” I echoed as I unleashed my heart for Mack. And unblocked my brain for me. And stopped doubting us.
I tried to unbutton my blouse, but my hands were s
haking. Not from needing a drink, but from needing him.
“Help me with this?” I asked.
“Of course.”
As he unbuttoned my blouse with warm, gentle hands, he smiled. “You are a medium. You create the environment in which I’m allowed to exist on your plane. You brought me, brokenhearted, out of the shadows. And you fed me with your kindness, your attention, with your love, and most of all, with your hope for the light to come for me.”
“But the light came for you at other times, and you didn’t go.”
“It’s never felt like it was really time to leave, or I would have. It felt as if I were being tested to see if I was willing to stay longer, to grow in strength of character and to become your facilitator between the world of flesh and the world of spirit.”
“I never thought of it like that. You’re a medium, too!”
He nodded. “Now you see, don’t you? I am a medium, too, with one foot on each side. I am your partner in this mediumship mission, just as much as you are my facilitator in your mortal world.”
“Wow, just wow. I’ve been so blind.” I was stunned at what we were revealing to each other.
He spoke in a soft, tender voice. “Sometimes, the medium isn’t just the messenger. Sometimes, the medium is the message.”
“I’ve been so clueless,” I admitted.
“You just weren’t ready to see me as I am. Not completely. I’ve been thinking about this for a long time.”
“Apparently.”
He let out a soft chuckle. “Is this really a good time to even talk about this?”
“It’s the perfect time. What else have you figured out?” “After this last thing—with Amanda and you switching bodies and almost losing you—I believe it’s divinely meant for me to stay and help you in your important work.”
“Do you really believe that, or are you just wishing for it?”
“It’s a deep truth inside of me. A sincere belief. However, it’s necessary for me to develop a little humility and to be kinder and less selfish and less grouchy. I’ve never been a work of art, but the times the light came for me, I wasn’t yet worthy.”
I felt a flood of compassion for him. “You don’t have to be worthy. Just willing.”