“That’s enough you insensitive asshole. I could easily have you fired for that comment,” fear pricked his eyes because he knew I was telling the truth. His comment was so far out of line that if I reported it he would be gone in a flash. “I don’t ever want to hear you speak to her that way again, in fact, I don’t even want to catch you fucking looking at her again.” I grabbed the front of his shirt and gave him another shove, slamming him into the wall beside the elevators. “You got me?”
“Yeah, whatever man. Just get her out of my sight.”
“You get the fuck out of my sight.” I released him. He stiffened and ran a hand over his chest to smooth where I had rumpled his shirt when I grabbed him and then he brushed past me, trying to shoulder check me as he did. He stopped outside of the elevators and gave Sadie an irritated look as he waited for her to completely step out. I took her hand in mine and didn’t bother to look back at that asshole as we made our way down the corridor toward the exit. I wanted to ask her if she was okay, but I already knew she wasn’t.
We stood just inside the doors of the hospital as I called a cab and we waited for it to arrive. I told the driver to take us to the same hotel we had previously stayed at. When he pulled up out front of the massive hotel, we made a mad dash through the rain to get inside. I sat Sadie down in one of the chairs in the lobby while I booked us a room. The first thing I did once I got Sadie into the room was usher her into the bathroom. Without speaking, I gestured for her to take a seat on the bench beside the large jacuzzi tub while I ran her a bath. I added some of the complimentary bubbles and bath oils and then waited for the tub to fill. I went to her and kneeled between her legs, taking her hands in mine. They were so cold. I raised them both up to my face and pressed soft kisses to her fingers.
She closed her eyes and let out a heavy breath. Her hands began to shake in mine, and then her whole body, but she held back the sobs that were trying to burst through the cracks. I squeezed her hands in mine, pulling them into my chest. Her eyes opened again and they found mine. She gently tugged her hands from my grasp and raised them to cup my face in her hands. Her thumbs began to lightly caress the tops of my cheeks. I turned my face enough to place a kiss to one of her palms and then returned my gaze to hers. Her eyes held a sea of emotions, and wave after wave, I could feel the weight of them all crashing into me. I could feel her hurt, her sorrow and her fear, but it was the love for me that I saw amidst her pain and her need for me, that threatened to pull me under. I wanted to drown in it, breathe it in and let if fill my lungs, my body and my soul, and never resurface.
“God, I love you,” I murmured, hoping she could see in my own eyes, more than my words could ever tell her, the depth of my love for her. I was sunk. I was gone.
Her body folded in on itself. She wrapped her arms around her waist, dropping her head to her knees. I pulled her down into my lap and just held her while silent sobs wracked her tiny frame. Barely a sound escaped her throat, but I could hear her anguish all the same. It tore at my soul and I’d thought I couldn’t possibly feel any worse, and then I finally heard her voice break through. “I can’t do this again. I can’t go through this again. I’ve lost too much. I won’t make it this time. He already took them, He can’t take Mia too.”
“It’s going to be okay baby,” I whispered. I didn’t know who she meant when she said them, or if was mixing up her words in the state she was in, but I didn’t question it. I just held her in my lap, rocking her gently while whispering every reassuring word I could, and praying God wouldn’t make me a liar.
When her body finally stilled, she sat up enough that I could see her face. She looked at me apologetically, “I’m sorry that I’m such a wreck and I keep falling apart on you.”
“It’s okay, if you need to fall apart, I want you to fall apart on me,” I told her and I meant it. The thought of her going through any of this alone was unbearable, especially knowing that the last time she had suffered a loss, she had done it completely alone. I hoped and prayed that this time wouldn’t be the same, but I knew even if it was, I would be with her through it all, no matter how hard and painful it was. From then on, everything came second to Sadie. Nothing mattered more than being there for her.
I looked over at the tub, seeing it on the brink of overflowing. Sadie’s eyes followed mine and she quickly hopped up. “Oh crap.”
I rushed over and shut the water off. It was too full for her to get in, so I had to drain some of the water. Then I turned back to her. She looked tired, but not quite so distraught. I think she had finally cried it all out, at least for now. “Why don’t you soak, and I’ll order us some food, then we can nap before we go back to the hospital.”
She nodded and I started to leave her alone to undress. Her quiet “thank you” stopped me with my hand on the door knob. “You’re welcome, but I already told you, you don’t need to thank me for any of this. I just want to take care of you.”
“You are,” she said, and then I walked out and shut the door behind me. The first thing I did was drop myself down on the couch in the living room and pull out my phone. I called Jax.
“Hey, how is she doing?” she asked upon answering.
“Not good, Jax. She’s not holding up well at all and I don’t know how to help her,” I admitted weakly.
“Just being there helps her. It may not feel like you’re doing much, but I promise you it means a lot to her, so just keep it up. Has there been any more news?”
“Not really. Mia came through surgery and they think she’s stable enough that she might pull through, but they’re not certain of anything yet. She’s in a coma right now,” I filled her in.
“Have you guys seen her yet?”
“No, we actually went to a hotel to clean up and rest some first. Sadie was moments away from dropping, and it didn’t help that she fought with her parents.”
“Really, even now they can’t manage to actually step up and be parents?”
“Seriously. Her mom is a real piece of work. I’m proud of Sadie for standing up to them today, but it was hard on her and she didn’t need any more to deal with.” That’s when I remembered our run in with Jeremi as well. “To make things worse, we also bumped into one of Clayton’s brothers again. This one was just as big of a douche as the one we met before.”
“It’s so wrong how they treat her. She had to get rid of all of her social media pages back when it happened because they were harassing her so badly.”
“Yeah, well if it happens again, I’ll be resolving the problem a little more violently. She shouldn’t have to take that, especially not now.” Jax mumbled her agreement, but I could also hear someone talking in the background.
“Hey Ace, Ky wants to talk to you, but will you promise to let me know if there’s anything I can do, or anything she needs.”
“Yeah, I promise baby girl. Thank you.”
A few seconds later, Ky came on the line, “Hey man, you holding up okay?”
“Yeah. It’s not me I’m worried about. Sadie’s not good and it’s killing me.”
“I know,” he sighed into the phone, “believe me I get it.” I knew if anyone did, it was him. “I wish I didn’t have to bring this up right now, I know it’s the last thing you want to be thinking about, but what do you want to do about the shows we’ve got coming up? We’ve got the Grammys or AMA’s or the People’s choice, whichever the hell one is first, in just a few days, and then we’ve got the Vegas and LA shows. We’re behind you no matter what you want to do, we just need to know so we can let the label and the venues know what’s up.”
I thrust a hand through my hair and blew out a deep breath. He was right, this was the last shit in the world I wanted to think about, but I knew I couldn’t just blow it all off. “I don’t know man. I want to stay with her.” I tried to think of a way to make it all work, but there just wasn’t a way to make everyone happy and Sadie was my priority. “Tell them I won’t be at the awards show. I should be able to get away with that since it’s
just you doing that duet with Colbie Adams, and then if I have to for the other shows, I’ll fly down night of and then back here to Seattle.”
“Okay man, sounds good. I’ll let the guys know and we’ll take care of it, now you just go take care of your girl.” We hung up and that’s exactly what I intended to do.
Chapter 34
Sadie
“Uggh! Damn it!” I let out a frustrated cry as I dug through my bag for the third time. The door to the bedroom opened and Ace walked in as I stood there in nothing but my towel.
“Everything okay, babe?”
“No,” I admitted pathetically. “I’ve got like fifty pairs of underwear and I don’t know how many socks, but somehow the only shirt I managed to pack is a tank top and I obviously can’t wear that outside.” This is what I got for just cramming stuff in my bag when I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to anything more complicated than breathe, and even that had been a struggle in those moments. I had almost nothing to wear. Thankfully a pair of yoga pants had made it into the bag, but it looked like I was going to have to put on the dirty shirt I’d worn earlier. I picked up my bag and threw it on the floor, letting some of my anger and frustration out.
“Hey, it’s okay.” He walked over and picked the bag up. He set it on the foot of the bed and then started pulling items out of it. “Wow, you really weren’t kidding about all the underwear.” He set out a pair along with the yoga pants, tank top and he even managed to find a pair of matching socks in the mess. “Put these on and I’ll grab you one of my shirts to put on over it. It’ll be fine.”
“Okay,” I mumbled and he pressed his lips to my forehead.
“It’s alright babe, and we can always go pick up some clothes for you later.” He walked over to where his bag was sitting on the floor and unzipped it. He dug through his stuff for a minute until he pulled out a US Marines t-shirt and handed it to me. “Here, it’ll be too big, but it’s better than just that tank top.”
I stared at it in my hands for a minute. It was soft and very well worn. I had one just like it shoved in the back of one of my drawers at home. I used to sleep in it, but it hadn’t seen the light of day in a long time.
“I’m going to hop in the shower and then room service should be here with our food,” he said.
“Okay.” He disappeared into the bathroom and I heard the shower turn on. Almost mechanically, I pulled on the clothes he’d set out for me. I almost drowned in large t-shirt, but it was soft and smelled of Ace. It was comforting to be wrapped in something of his. I brought the neck of the shirt up to my nose, closed my eyes and inhaled. I dropped it back down as I let out my breath. I used to do the same thing with Clayton’s shirt on the sleepless nights that I lay awake, missing and worrying about his safety. Wearing his shirt had made me feel closer to him and it was a reminder of what he was doing, how proud he was of his choice to serve our country. I wished his parents could have been there to see him the day he graduated from basic training, standing tall next his newfound brothers, strong and so confident, such a stark contrast to the unsure boy who had said goodbye to me just months before.
I wished they could have been there the day I said goodbye to him when he shipped out. He was still barely more than a boy, and I knew that even then he was scared of what lay before him, but not once did he regret his choice to enlist and he was eager to prove himself and honored to be serving with his unit. I could still see his face as he’d waved goodbye that first time he shipped out. I could still hear his voice the times he got to call home. The eagerness had faded and left behind someone who had been faced with a harsh dose of the ugly reality of war, but that wasn’t the only change I recognized in him. He had found a cause, he had found what he stood for. Instead of breaking him, it made him. When he finally came home, he was changed. He was quieter and carried the heavy weight of the things he had seen, but my Clayton was still in there.
The next time he had to deploy, I saw no fear in him when we said goodbye, only resolve and commitment to his duty. He didn’t relish war, but I knew that if his brothers were going back into it, there was nowhere else he wanted to be. I was so proud of him then, and I was still proud of him seventy two days later when I was notified of his death. As much as it hurt, as much as it destroyed me, I knew that wherever he was, he wasn’t sorry to have given his life for his brothers and his country. Knowing that didn’t make it hurt less, but it made it easier to accept. None of us were guaranteed long lives, we took most of our days for granted. At least he hadn’t. He had loved me fiercely in his time and lived his life honorably, serving and sacrificing for what he believed in.
His family never got to see that in him, they didn’t want to. His parents never got to see the man that their son became. They couldn’t accept it and all they were left with was anger and the need to blame someone, that someone being me. I had shouldered their hate for so long with no idea of how to make them see that I hadn’t taken their son from them, that he had given his life for something much bigger and important than even our love.
I heard the soft sound of the bedroom door scraping over the carpet and turned to see Ace standing in nothing but a towel, very similar to how he had found me, but much more of his skin was exposed to my greedy eyes. I had been too preoccupied with my thoughts to notice that I could no longer hear the shower running, but now only one thing occupied my mind. The beautiful, half naked man in front of me. I drank in the sight.
“See something you like?” He grinned. I nodded. “I could show you a little more if you’d like,” he added suggestively.
I swallowed hard. “You probably shouldn’t.”
“You’re probably right,” he said, still smiling and then made his way toward me, his playful expression replaced by something softer. “What were you thinking about when I walked into the room?”
“Oh … I was, uh …” unconsciously my fingers latched onto the hem of the t-shirt and began working the fabric between them while my eyes flitted to the floor and then back up to Ace’s. “The shirt just reminded me of Clayton. I used to wear one of his a lot. I was thinking about him.”
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I wasn’t thinking when I gave you that shirt, I should have realized – I’m sorry, I’ll get you a different one.” He reached for his bag.
“No!” I blurted and grabbed his arm. He looked puzzled by my reaction. “I don’t want a different shirt. I like this one. It actually makes me feel good,” I explained. “It still makes me a little sad to think about Clayton, but mostly they were good thoughts I was having. He was a good man and a good soldier. He was proud of his service, and I was proud of him for it. He liked when I wore his shirt, it made him happy that I chose to show my support in that way. The Marines weren’t just important to him, but they were a part of him, it was who he was, and I would guess it’s the same for you. I was honored to wear his shirt back then, and I am honored to wear yours now.” A smile spread across his face, and a little twinge of guilt struck me.
“I know we don’t talk about your service a lot, and I hope it’s not because you think you can’t bring it up with me, because you can. I hate that I lost Clayton, but I don’t blame the Marines or other soldiers. I think it’s amazing what you guys do, how much you give up and how brave you are.” I reached up and brushed my fingers through his hair, pushing a few wet locks behind his ear so that I could I could press my palm to his cheek. “I have so much respect for the military and I think it takes remarkable courage to make that choice to put your life aside for a greater purpose.”
I looked intently into his eyes. I wanted him to know that I meant every single word I was saying. “Thank you for your service, and thank you for everything that you Marines stand for. I know that what you did in the name of duty wasn’t always easy. I could tell Clayton was haunted by many of the things he saw and experienced and I know you didn’t know him, but it makes my heart hurt less to know that he served with guys like you, that even as he gave his life, he wasn’t alone.” My eyes
stung as I felt the emotion welling up in them and more than anything I was stricken by the tears shining in Ace’s own eyes.
“If anyone is remarkable, it’s you Sadie. What you just said means more than you know. I can’t talk about everything that went on during those tours, but I’ll live with it for the rest of my life and that’s okay because I know it meant something. What we did mattered. Not everyone sees it that way though, so it’s a relief when I hear that it matters to someone else too.” He brought his hands up and tangled them in my hair, holding my head in place as he lowered his forehead to rest it against mine. I could see how deeply affected he was and I felt it inside my chest. I placed my other hand on his face as well, and we stayed like that, holding onto each other with our eyes closed and heads pressed together. His body wash and shampoo invaded my sense of smell. I breathed it in deeply and dropped my hands to wrap them around his waist. He lifted his head and tucked me under his chin. His skin was still very warm from the shower and the heat seeped into my body through my clothes. I didn’t even mind the dampness that soaked into my shirt where his hair dripped on it.
In that moment, I felt like we were closer than we’d ever been. It didn’t matter that my world was still spinning, on the verge of imploding. In his arms, everything slowed down and he kept me grounded. It was only in this chaos that I could really see the light that shone from him, keeping the darkness at bay.
He was a constant reassuring presence at my side over the next few days and weeks. He got me clothes that were more appropriate. He made sure that I ate and rested and even found a way to make me smile and laugh when I thought it would have been impossible.
When the news came that Mia had finally come out of the coma, I couldn’t even express the relief I felt, but there was still a bumpy road ahead of my whole family. Ace stayed to see me through. He missed the Grammy’s and the People’s Choice, where the band took home multiple awards. He only left me twice to fly out for shows that he couldn’t get out of, and even then he wasn’t gone more than a day.
Chasing Ever After Page 31