“Morning,” I smiled. He brought his hands up and wrapped them around my waist, situating me so that I was laying directly on top of him. I rested my head on his chest, in no hurry to get up.
“Happy birthday,” he told me for what was probably the fifth time. He’d said it at the restaurant, and then whispered it in my ear when midnight came around last night, and found several other opportunities throughout the night to say it.
“How many times are you going to say that today?” I asked him with a grin.
“As many as I can.” His hands slid down my back to grip something just a little bit lower. “I just want to make sure that today really is a happy day for you.” Oh it was and I had a feeling it was about to get even better. I sighed and he chuckled and then removed his hands. “No getting distracted young lady, I’m trying to tell you something very important and you need to listen up.”
“I was listening,” I pouted.
“I’m serious, Sadie. No more sadness.” His deep eyes drilled into mine. “Your past will always be a part of you, and I don’t ever expect you to forget what you had, but it doesn’t get to drag you down anymore, and when it tries, I’ll be here to hold you, to kiss away the sadness and remind you that you’re loved.” His sweet words were comforting and healing and so brimming with promise that they filled in some of the cracks in my heart, cracks that had been there for so long that I’d just grown use to feeling a little damaged and broken. Ace made me feel whole. I totally understood that stupid Jerry McGuire line now.
It was so reassuring to know that he was there to take on the world with me. He would be at my side through the tough times, and there were more of those ahead. Before the day was through he would get his chance to keep that promise.
When we finally pulled ourselves out of bed, later, much later, to eat, shower and dress before going out to meet up with everyone for a Sounders game, there was another note waiting on my windshield. I pulled it off and chewed my lip nervously.
“What is that?” He asked.
“A note,” I stated the obvious.
“From who?”
“Umm, my secret lover,” I thought humor might distract him. Not so much.
“Nice try. Go again.”
“Hey, I could have a secret lover.” I was still trying to evade and distract, but he wasn’t fooled.
“Baby, if you had a secret lover, I’d go to prison for murder, so just hand over the note. I’ll take it by force if I have to.” He seemed a little too excited at the prospect of wrestling the note away from me. I knew I wasn’t going to win, so I saved myself the trouble and nervously handed it over. He wasn’t going to be happy. I watched him open it up, and I saw his frown get deeper and turn into a very angry scowl.
“Who the fuck left this Sadie?”
“I don’t know,” I answered.
“Now is not the time to lie to me,” he ground out through clenched teeth.
“I’m serious, I don’t know for sure, but I have a pretty good idea,” I told him.
“One of Clayton’s brothers?”
I nodded. “Probably. Their dad still works here. I haven’t really run into him much, and I don’t think this he would do this, but it’s likely that he could have mentioned to one of them that I was staying here.”
“How long has this been going on?”
“A while.”
“Is it every day?”
“Just about.”
“Dammit,” he cursed. “How could you not tell me about this babe? This is not okay, you need to go to the police. It’s not legal for them to harass you like this.”
“I don’t want to go to the police. They’re hurt and angry, but they’re not going to harm me. I just ignore the notes now and throw them away. I won’t be here much longer anyway. I can deal with it for another week or so. Please don’t make a big deal out of this,” I attempted to reason with him.
“This is a big deal, Sadie. You shouldn’t have to deal with this at all. It’s not right. You should report it.”
“I know, but they’re his family. He loved them. I don’t want to get them in trouble. I just want to get out of their lives and go back to ours.” His mouth pulled into a soft smile when I said the word “ours.”
“I want that too babe, but I don’t like the idea of this going on any longer.”
“It’s okay. Let’s just go to the game and forget about the stupid note.” He still didn’t look like he wanted to let it go, but he did, at least for now. He insisted on driving though and took the keys from me. It wasn’t that long of a drive to the field, but even on a Sunday, it still takes twice as long as it should to get anywhere in Seattle. We parked and then met up with the rest of the group outside the gates and we all went in together. Somehow, even last minute, Kyden had managed to score us amazing seats, all together. I guess I should be used to it by now, but the perks that came with being famous rockstars would never cease to surprise me.
The real surprise though, was that it didn’t rain on us. The sun tried to peak through some ominous gray clouds, and at times it managed, but mostly it stayed overcast for the whole game, but at the end we were all dry and the Sounders walked away with a victory, so I couldn’t really complain. It was also the most fun I’d had at a sporting event yet. I was ashamed to say that even as a Seattleite, which I would always consider myself, this was my first Sounders game. It had been Jaxyn’s idea, and while they offered to do something else since it was my birthday, I’d agreed to go, and I was glad that I had. It was intense, the fans were crazy, Jaxyn was crazy and I had a great time. The guys still wanted to argue that the other kind of football was better, but I think I was with Jaxyn.
As far as birthdays went, this was the best one I’d had in a while. Afterward, I picked a really nice Italian place for dinner. Everyone was having a good time and the food was great. Then, at the exact moment that I was thinking that I couldn’t have asked for a better way to spend my birthday, Jax stood up from her seat near the middle of our large table and everyone’s eyes shifted to her.
“First I just want to say happy birthday again to Sadie. I love you and I’m so glad that we all got to come out here and spend this day with you. You’re so strong and have been such an inspiration to me in the way that you so gracefully walk through life, even in the hard times, and you’ve had your share.” Crap, she’s going to make me cry. She did, but not for the reasons I thought. She was about to shake up my past and my entire world. “Today has been such an awesome day, and I, or we – Ky and I – have some news to share that we hope will make this day just a little brighter.” She paused and her eyes flitted down to Ky who was looking up at her with pure adoration and a part of me knew what she was about to say. My eyes fell to her hand that had unconsciously drifted to her stomach. I knew, but my brain still wasn’t able to process, which is why when she excitedly announced to the table that she was pregnant, her words slammed into me like a giant truck doing ninety down the freeway.
I should have been expecting it. I mean, how many times had I listened to her talk about her and Ky wanting to start a family? I knew it was coming, still I was unprepared for her joyful news. Even after all this time, it was still so hard for me to look at pregnant women, or to see mothers and fathers holding their newborn babies. The pain of losing Clayton had dulled and lessened over time, but that pain, it was still sharp and overwhelming.
In the past I’d just chosen to look away from the pregnant women and babies because it was too hard to see, but this was my best friend, and I’d never felt so torn and conflicted in my life. How was it possible to be so elated for her and so utterly devastated at the same time?
I tried to plaster a smile on my face as everyone else stood to hug and congratulate her and Ky. I tried to keep the tears out of my eyes when it was my turn to embrace her and offer my congratulations, and I truly meant it, but on the inside it felt like I was dying a little. I wasn’t doing as good of a job faking cheerfulness as I hoped. Spade chuckled and I hear
d him say to Ace, “Sadie looks a little shocked. You may want to wait a while before you knock her up. It seems that all this baby talk has her freaked out.”
Everyone’s eyes shifted to me and I whimpered audibly as I choked back the sob that had been fighting to escape me since Jaxyn made her announcement. I sat there frozen, lost in my own grief, and now they all had front row seats to my breakdown.
“Sadie, are you okay?” Jax asked with a perplexed frown.
I shook my head. “No,” I managed a weak response, and I could hear how distraught my voice sounded. I was so pathetic. All Jax had ever wanted was a family, and I couldn’t even manage to show her how happy I was for her. I pushed my chair back and bolted out of my seat, rushing for the bathroom.
I shoved open a stall door and then locked it behind me. Thankfully at that moment, there didn’t appear to be anyone else in the bathroom. I sat on the toilet and buried my face in my hands. Four years could heal a lot of pains, or at least lessen them – the loss of a fiancé, rejection from your family, sacrifice of a music career – all those things were so minor compared to the one loss that still tore at my insides, the one I kept locked up and never shared with another soul, the loss that I suffered through alone, only days after my fiancé was put in the ground.
My heart was already broken from losing Clayton and being denied the option of attending his service. I hadn’t thought it was possible to hurt more than that, but I was so wrong. The day after the funeral I’d gone to the hospital because I was having severe cramps, only to find out that I was miscarrying. I’d had a baby inside of me for over three months and hadn’t even known. The stress and worry of Clayton being over seas had distracted from everything else, but I’d been pregnant. I lost Clayton and our baby in the same week and it had destroyed me. It was still tearing me apart. Tears ran down my face as I sobbed into my hands for the child I’d never got to meet, the one that died inside of me, the one I hadn’t even known existed until it was already too late.
Chapter 37
Ace
I saw the pure anguish on Sadie’s face, just before she fled the table and disappeared toward the bathrooms. For a moment, I sat there helpless and stunned and completely clueless as to why my girlfriend’s heart had shattered right in front of me. I looked up at Jaxyn who appeared to be at just as much of a loss as I was, but she quickly followed after Sadie, and I took that as my cue to go to her as well.
I heard her heart wrenching cries the second Jaxyn pushed open the door to the ladies’ room. “Sadie,” Jaxyn called out softly. The cries quieted, but still she didn’t come out of the stall she’d locked herself inside of. “Sadie, please talk to me, tell me what’s wrong.”
“I’m sorry,” she sniffled, “I can’t believe I’m falling apart,” sniffle, “and ruining your happy news,” sniffle, “it just hurts so much. God, it hurts so much that I can hardly bear it,” she choked out, her sniffles becoming, deep, pain filled, sobs again. “I lost so much, he never even got to know, I didn’t even know, then it was too late, he was gone. They were gone.” Her words weren’t making sense to me. It sounded like she was talking about Clayton, and I wondered if she hadn’t been dealing with it as well as I thought, if all this was about him, but then I watched Jaxyn’s face fall and a strangled gasp escape her lips as she came to some realization that I was obviously missing. Tears pooled in her eyes and she covered her mouth with her hand.
“Oh God, Sadie. I had no clue,” she cried. What the hell was she talking about? What didn’t she have a clue about? “I’m so sorry. I didn’t know, I never would have … I’m so sorry.” It couldn’t be all about Clayton, she wouldn’t be apologizing over and over if it were just about – and then it hit me. Clayton’s death hadn’t brought this on. It was the baby. Jaxyn’s announcement and then Spade’s words, his words especially had hurt her. Just like that, it fucking sank in and I wished like hell that I was I wrong, but I knew I wasn’t. It made too much sense.
I wanted to collapse right there on the floor and cry for her, because life had taken too much from her and it just wasn’t fair, but I forced my feet to move until I was standing right in front of the stall. I rested my head against it, and tried to find my voice. “Sadie, baby,” I whispered, “I’m so fucking sorry that you had to go through that. I can’t even imagine what you are feeling right now, but you’re so strong, so fucking strong to have survived it. I am in awe of you baby, because if I had lost what you did, I would be a broken, shell of a man, and here you are, still fighting and living with so much light inside of you. Thank you baby for not giving up, for having the courage to go on and to love me even after all you’ve suffered. You saved me Sadie. My whole life I spent chasing after different goals and dreams that I thought were so important, only to realize they all meant nothing next to you. You’re the only thing I’ve ever chased after that has really mattered, and I promise I’ll keep chasing after you for the rest of my life, no matter where you go. I promise to come after you even in your darkest moments, but you’ve got to come out of there, you’ve got to let me pull you out of that darkness. You can’t let it swallow you whole baby. There are two people up in Heaven right now who love you very much,” I heard her cry, but I kept going, “and I’m sure their hearts are breaking right now, just like mine is, watching you hurt for them and miss them, but I know they’re together and they’re okay and I know they want you to be okay, so please come out here. You were alone before, but you’re not alone anymore. I’m here. I’m here baby.”
I let out a sigh of relief when I heard her disengage the lock on the stall door. She pulled the door open and the sight before me tugged at my heart. Her eyes were puffy and red, make up running down her cheeks. She was a mess, a beautiful mess. I pulled her into my arms. “I’ve got you,” I told her as she cried into my chest. “I’ve got you always, babe.” Her hands gripped my shirt tighter and she clung to me harder. Every cry that escaped her, I felt down in my very bones and it wrecked me. At some point Jaxyn had left us alone, which I was grateful for as my own tears slid down my cheeks. My girl was so amazing, so brave and beautiful. A gift from Heaven I didn’t deserve, but I was never giving her up.
After a few minutes, her cries finally quieted and she released her tight hold on my shirt and looked up at me. I gently brushed my thumbs under her eyes and over her cheeks to wipe away the tears and black streaks. “Thank you,” she whispered hoarsely.
“You don’t have to thank me for loving you babe, it’s not something I can help. It just is, and I’m always going to be here for you.”
She asked for a minute to pull herself together and clean up, so I waited for her outside the bathroom door. When she emerged, her eyes were still red and puffy, but the makeup had all been wiped away. I took her hand in mine and heard her pull in a deep breath and it back out as we made our way back to the table. Jax immediately stepped out of Ky’s arms, where she had clearly sought comfort, and pulled Sadie into a hug. She whispered something I couldn’t quite hear, and Sadie just smiled softly and nodded.
Everyone else still appeared to be confused, especially Spade who tried to apologize for his comment, even though he didn’t understand the weight and significance it’d held. Sadie stopped him though, and assured him it wasn’t his fault that she had reacted the way she had. She didn’t explain anything more, and she didn’t need to. They understood she was dealing with something personal and that was enough. I just wanted to get her out of there, she was still emotional and I could tell everyone’s sympathy and concern was making her uncomfortable.
I asked her if she wanted to head back to the boat and she looked at me gratefully and nodded. She made her goodbyes and after a round of hugs, I handed her the keys and asked her if she could go start the car while I used the restroom. I didn’t really need to go to the bathroom, but I wanted to talk to Spade about something that had been bothering me since I saw the note that was left on Sadie’s car.
When she was out of sight, I pulled him aside and explain
ed the situation, then told him what I wanted to do and asked if he could set it up. I could tell we were on the same page and he assured me it would be no problem and he would take care of it. He asked when I wanted to do it.
“It needs to be tomorrow. It’s our last day before we fly out. Sadie needs me today. I don’t want to leave her at all, but I think we have to do this,” I told him.
“Okay. Tomorrow then. Is she going to be alright?” He asked.
“Yeah. She’s lost more than I even realized, but she’s tough. She just needed to get it all out instead of holding everything in.”
“Then go take care of your girl and let me know if you need anything else. I’ve got your back.” I knew I could trust him to get what I needed in order, so I could focus on Sadie. I took her back to the boat and she finally told me everything; how much she and Clayton had wanted a baby but knew they should wait, how crushed she was when she found out that she’d lost their child, and how much she blamed herself for the miscarriage. How she struggled through her grief alone because she didn’t think she had anyone she could go to. How after so long it started to feel normal for her to keep everything inside, and she thought reliving it would only make her pain worse, but it was good for her to get it all out in the open so she could finally move on. Afterward, we didn’t need words to express what we were feeling. We found other ways to show each other.
In the morning I woke early and Sadie stirred beside me. I kissed her forehead before climbing out of bed. She let out a sleepy little groan, “Where are you going?”
“Shh. Just go back to sleep. I need to go pick up a few things and I’ll be back in a little while.” I kissed her again, but she was already out.
Chasing Ever After Page 34