Awakening

by JoAnn Durgin

  “Why?”

  “I think you know why, Lexa. A lot of my friends were getting married at the time, so I figured it was also time for me to move on to that natural, expected phase of my life. Sad, I know, but true all the same. Shelby just happened to be there at the time, and she was certainly more than willing.”

  He shrugged and stared straight ahead. “She actually brought up the whole marriage thing. Out of convenience as much as anything else, I went along with it. We didn’t date that long, if you can even call it that.” He paused. “When we fought that last night, I think we both knew in our hearts that it was over. We were just kidding ourselves.”

  Lexa shifted. “Did you ever truly forgive Shelby for the affair with Josh?”

  Sam’s eyes never left her face. “I still struggle with that one. Put it this way—my head forgave her, but it’s taken a lot longer for my heart.”

  “I’m sure it takes a lot of time to heal from something like that.”

  He nodded, and waited a long moment before speaking. “Before Shelby, I was too focused on my career and ministry with TeamWork to try and develop a lasting relationship with a woman. And after . . . well, after what happened with Shelby, I’ve poured myself back into the ministry so much that it’s pretty much consumed me. Little by little, I’m learning to surrender my bitterness to the Lord. It’s one of my biggest struggles.” He rubbed his hand over his brow and leaned back against the tree, shaking his head.

  Lexa settled beside him. “Thank you for sharing that with me. I’ll pray that you can surrender those feelings to the Lord. I can’t imagine what it’s been like for you. To be betrayed by someone you love.” She captured his hand in hers and ran a light finger over the callus on his palm. His hands were strong and yet so gentle. Kind of like the man himself—strong on the outside, but tender and soft on the inside.

  “I think you know more about it than you realize.” When she looked up at him, scooting closer, Sam leaned his forehead against hers. “Your dad, Lexa.”

  Lexa lowered her head to his broad shoulder. “I never thought about it like that. I’m sure he didn’t mean to betray me. He just wasn’t a sensitive man, and he didn’t know how to show his love. But I know he did. Deep down, I know he cared more about me and my mom than he ever showed us. I hope he didn’t feel betrayed because my mom died, leaving him alone with me.” She shook her head, pushing wayward strands of hair away from her cheek. Raising her head, her eyes searched his. “I can’t think that way. I know what my heart needs to know.”

  Sam kissed her then, stirring all of Lexa’s senses. How long it went on, she couldn’t know. It was more sweet than passionate, and as tender as she could ever imagine. Before he drew away, he sighed, and she felt his smile.

  “I never felt about Shelby the way I feel about you, Lexa.” Sam’s lips traced a light path across her cheek. She gloried in his nearness, wondering if he’d take the leap of faith and tell her he loved her. If he did, how would she respond? They were quite the pair.

  Closing her eyes, Lexa sighed in contentment. Tomorrow would take care of itself. She’d read a verse about that very thing in the Book of Matthew. It also talked about each day having enough trouble of its own. True enough. Better to enjoy this time of peace and quiet while it lasted.

  They sat in companionable silence for a few minutes, hands clasped tightly together. Lexa snuggled against Sam, and he put his arm around her, nestling her even closer. At least it wasn’t too humid, and a slight breeze ruffled through the tree overhead.

  “What’s your favorite movie?”

  He chuckled. “What brought that on?”

  “You can tell a lot about someone by the movies they like, you know. Kind of like learning about their fears.”

  “Is that so?”

  “Answer the question, please.”

  “Okay. The Ten Commandments.”

  Lexa rolled her eyes. “Biblical epics don’t count. They’re a given.”

  He thought a moment. “Then, I’d have to say Star Wars is pretty cool. Planet of the Apes was fascinating.” He snapped his fingers. “Witness! I loved that one.” His lips spread in a wide grin. “Have at it.”

  “That’s an easy one, cowboy.” She stretched out her legs beside him and leaned back against the tree. “The whole fish out of water element appeals to you. Philly cop plopped down in the land of the Amish. It challenges you, gets your blood pumping through your veins. My Dad liked it, too.”

  “True. But the whole barn-raising thing is great since it’s like our TeamWork project here in San Antonio. Neighbor helping neighbor.” He smiled. “And your favorite movie is The Sound of Music.”

  “How did you . . . ?” She snapped her mouth closed.

  “You mentioned it the first day we met. In the car. You brought up singing . . . and skipping. You like the idea of family, of belonging. Even though it’s entirely unrealistic for people to burst into song at any given moment.” He laughed.

  It was Lexa’s turn to laugh. “Right. And intergalactic wars and apes annihilating humans and taking over the world is realistic.” She shook her head. “Do you remember everything?”

  Leaning close, Sam whispered, “Everything, beautiful girl.” The warmth of his lips sent shivers everywhere. It was amazing what a brush, a glance, a kiss from this man could do.

  Lexa gave him a coy smile.

  He laughed. “Oh, oh. I’m in for trouble now.”

  “I’m sure you left something out in the description of your dating history.”

  “Explain thyself, please.” A smile tipped the corners of his mouth.

  Lexa took a deep breath. “I’m sure you’ve dated your share of women. After all . . . well, take a good look at you.” However lame it sounded, it was true. Although he looked surprised, she could tell he was pleased. “And you can’t tell me the way you kiss is merely a God-given talent, Sam. It takes practice to be that good.”

  Sam looked at her with a look so loving it stole her breath. “No, Lexa.”

  “No . . . what, exactly?”

  “It doesn’t take practice. All it takes is finding the right woman.”

  Sam’s statement would silence most women, but she couldn’t let it go without comment. He shouldn’t be surprised. “Are you actually telling me you haven’t kissed many women?”

  His jaw dropped. “Are you actually looking for a number?”

  “Yes, I guess I am. If you can even count that high.” Lexa didn’t care if she sounded jealous. She loved teasing him as much as anything else.

  He shook his head, as if disbelieving she’d even suggest such a thing. “Okay, Miss Clarke, you want a number?” When she nodded, Sam made sure he had her full attention. First, he looked upward as though taking a mental count. Looking back at her, he raised two fingers.

  “You’re giving me the peace sign?” Lexa laughed. “Oh, I get it. You’re afraid to tell me how many. What is that, like a truce or something?”

  “It’s a number.” Sam’s voice was quiet, contemplative.

  Lexa swallowed hard and stared at him sitting there—so handsome, strong, wonderful. “You’ve only kissed two other women in your life?” How was that even possible?

  When Sam shook his head again, Lexa fully expected him to tell her he was teasing. She wouldn’t be surprised. It certainly seemed more logical.

  “No, not two other women. Two women total. And I’m sitting here tonight, against this tree, under the Texas sky, looking directly at one of them.” The words were slow, full of purpose. “And with God’s help, she’ll also be the last one.”

  With those indelible words stamped on her heart, Lexa reached for him, pulling this precious man toward her. Cupping his face between her hands, she planted a long, very lingering kiss on the sweetest man she’d ever meet.

  “Welcome home, Sam Lewis.”

  CHAPTER 35

  “I’m sorry I acted like such a jerk.”

  Again Lexa was surprised, but pleasantly so, by the turn of events. />
  Pulling Rebekah into a quick embrace, Lexa hugged her tight. “That’s okay. I understand. You had quite a bitter pill to swallow.” She released her. “I was afraid you might leave the camp after the meeting with Sam. I’m glad you stayed. I’ve . . . I’ve been praying for you.” A couple of months ago, she’d never have said something like that. Now, the words practically rolled off her tongue, and it was natural to talk about such things.

  “Call me Beck. My close friends do.” She gave her a small smile.

  “Thanks, Beck.” Lexa returned the smile. “Have you heard from Josh yet?”

  Rebekah nodded, a shadow crossing her face. “Yes, thank the Lord. He’s finally back home. I asked him about Shelby, and he broke down and confessed everything. Our pastor back in Louisiana is going to counsel him about his, uh, problem. He’s going to take some time off for a while, and get the help he needs, like Sam said. Law school will have to wait.” She shrugged. “It’ll be there when he’s ready. I can’t believe my own twin is a . . . a sex addict,” she whispered, her cheeks coloring with embarrassment.

  Lexa wasn’t quite successful at hiding her shocked surprise. There had certainly been a lot of those lately. Enough for a good long while. “I don’t know if I’d call him a sex addict because of one affair.”

  “There have been others. Lots, apparently.” Rebekah’s eyes traveled to the floor. “Shelby was only one in a long string of girls.”

  “Don’t be embarrassed.” Recovering her composure, Lexa draped an arm around the other girl’s shoulder. “From what I understand, it’s an addiction like anything else—drugs, alcohol, prescription drugs, and any number of things. Josh is a good man and . . .”

  “But for a Christian man, it’s especially embarrassing,” Rebekah interrupted. “We have a responsibility to model Christ-like behavior. What use are we if we’re known to be a Christian and then go around acting like some kind of wild, untamed beast?” Her words sounded bitter.

  She glanced back up at Lexa. “I’m sorry. I’m taking out my frustrations with Josh on you. That’s not fair. I still have a lot to resolve in my own mind, I guess. I’m mad as blazes at him right now, but I’ll get over it. When I get home next week, I’m going to take the time to get reacquainted with my brother.” She shook her head. “Apparently, there’s a lot I don’t know about him. And a lot I should know.”

  “I’m sure you want to do whatever’s necessary to help Josh. Your encouragement will mean the world to him.” Lexa squeezed her shoulder.

  “Right.” Rebekah sniffled and wiped away a few tears rolling down her cheeks. “I’m just thankful you weren’t his next conquest. I knew the fight between Josh and Sam had something to do with you, but I couldn’t be sure. At first, I thought Sam was upset when he lost his chance with you and was jealous because Josh was obviously interested. But now I know that Sam was protecting your honor, standing up for you.” Rebekah stopped, making sure she had Lexa’s eye contact. “I hope you know that man loves you.”

  Lexa’s breath caught in her throat. “Did Sam tell you this?”

  Rebekah squeezed her hand. “He didn’t have to. Remember, I know the man pretty well.”

  “Are you going to talk with Sam? Set things right between you again?”

  The beginnings of a smile curved Rebekah’s lips. “I can’t stay mad at Sam for long. I’m sure you know that’s impossible. I’ve already apologized to him for saying those awful things.” Her eyes glazed, and she shook her head. “I’ve never acted like that in my life, never said such horrible things. I love Sam, and I never meant to hurt him. That’s the last thing in the world I wanted.” Her eyes filled with quick tears. “But I couldn’t believe that Josh had an affair with Shelby. I’m still having a hard time with it.”

  “Sam knows you were hurt. You were reacting to the shock of hearing about Josh, but you didn’t mean to take it out on him.”

  Rebekah grabbed her hand, and Lexa held on tight. “Thanks for not being mad at me. You do love Sam, don’t you?”

  Lexa didn’t answer, but her smile probably gave away any secrets she hoped to hide.

  ~~**~~

  “Sam, I’ve made my decision.” Although he’d been detained, Sam finally dropped down to sit beside her a short time later. He sounded tired but enthusiastic about the positive response he’d received to his message that night.

  “What? No small talk first?” Sam stretched out and released a contented sigh. He patted the spot next to him and pulled her close.

  “Please, Sam. I have to get it out now or I won’t be able to do it at all.” Lexa was afraid to look over at him, afraid of his reaction. She stared down at her hands twisting together in her lap. “This is hard enough.” Unbidden tears suddenly blinded her, threatening to spill over.

  “Well, that doesn’t exactly sound like good news.” He was quiet, but Lexa could see the tightness in his jaw when she dared to glance in his direction.

  “You’re not coming with me, are you?” He sounded disappointed, hurt.

  She shook her head, her heart heavy. “I don’t see how I can. Please know that it’s not that I don’t want to. You know what you want to do with your life. You seem so confident, so strong, so sure, and TeamWork suits your talents and interests. You’ve done it a lot longer than I have, and you’re used to the lifestyle. To be honest, I’m not sure I could take it for an entire year, living out of a suitcase, not knowing if I’d be transferred to another project at a moment’s notice.”

  “It’s not exactly like that,” Sam protested.

  “You know what I mean.” Lexa shifted her position. “I’ve been praying about it a lot. Maybe I need to grow more in my own spiritual walk.” She hesitated, and lowered her voice. “Whatever it is, I know the time isn’t right for me to go running around the world at this point in my life.”

  “Plus, you don’t want to feel like you’re following a man.” When he looked over at her, Sam’s expression was hard to read. “Admit it, Lexa. In case things don’t work out between us, you don’t want to feel . . . stuck.” His eyes met hers. “Not that I think that’s going to happen.”

  Lexa stiffened. “I guess that’s part of it, but only a small part. Security’s a big thing for me. I never told you, but I may not have a job at Alamo World Financial when I go back to Houston. When I left, they couldn’t promise my position would still be there waiting for me.”

  “You gave up your job to come here?” Sam’s voice was quiet, disbelieving. Reaching out with one hand, he anchored it under her chin, forcing her to look at him.

  “Not exactly. But sort of,” she stammered. “I didn’t want you to think I was completely crazy,” she admitted with a shrug.

  He sighed. “That wasn’t crazy. It was incredibly brave. I wish I’d known.”

  “Why? What difference would it have made?”

  Sam looked at her a long time before slowly shaking his head. “Maybe you were following your dream like I’m trying to do by going on this overseas mission.”

  Lexa nodded. “I think the Lord is leading both of us. We have to be brave enough and smart enough to follow where He leads. You’re obviously doing that, and I’m trying to do it, too.” She shrugged. “Even though I might not have a job when I go back to Houston, I don’t feel like going overseas with TeamWork is the right thing, either.”

  Even though it would be with you! She felt like screaming. Lexa’s heart was heavy, and her eyes filled with tears. How could she agree to go when Sam couldn’t find the words to tell her he loved her? Sadness threatened to carry her away in a sea of tears.

  “I’ll pray your job is still waiting for you in Houston.”

  “If it’s not, I’ll be okay.” Lexa lifted her chin. “This TeamWork assignment has shown me that I’ll be okay. No matter what happens. I trust the Lord to take care of me and my needs. I know I won’t have a problem finding something else. It might not even be in financial planning.”

  “What then?” Curiosity lifted his brow.

 
“I have absolutely no idea. Maybe I’ll become a pie maker and learn how to bake the best peach and apple pies in the world.”

  Leaning over, Sam pressed his lips to hers, allowing his lips to linger. “I think that sounds like a very delicious idea. I like a sweet girl, too, you know. To balance out the sassiness and the spice.”

  Lexa swallowed hard. She couldn’t smile when her heart hurt so much. “Sam, you know how much I care for you, but I’m not sure how much of a future we can share with our differences in what we want from life, in our dreams and goals for the future.” Her voice caught and she blinked hard to stem the flow of tears.

  He didn’t speak for a long moment. With his face bathed in the moonlight, he watched her with an expectant look. “Tell me about your dreams, your goals for the future. Tell me what it is that you really want, Lexa. You’ve avoided that question when I’ve asked before, you know. Time to tell me.”

  Lexa’s eyes searched his before finally opening her mouth. Finding it suddenly dry, she swallowed hard and tried to find an explanation. “I suppose I want what everyone wants,” she said slowly. “A home, family, love . . .” her voice trailed. “After being here with TeamWork the past few weeks, I know I want to grow in my knowledge and commitment of the Lord. There’s an awful lot that I don’t understand, but I want to understand. Does that make any sense to you?”

  “Yes. It makes perfect sense. Do you know what I want?” He leaned his head back against the tree and closed his eyes.

  “No,” she said, shaking her head as though in a trance. “What do you want?”

  He sighed and opened his eyes. “I want whatever makes you happy.” All over again, he captured her heart. The man was uncommonly sensitive. Why couldn’t he tell her he loved her? That might be a big step toward making her even happier. Surely he sensed that.

  More than anything, Lexa wanted to reach out and take Sam’s hand in her own. She wanted to pour out her heart to this man and tell him that she wanted him, that she loved him. But how could she do that? Something inside kept her from reaching out, just as it always had. It was like some self-protective mechanism that triggered within her every time someone started to get too close. Lexa didn’t understand it, but it was undeniably a part of her. It only surfaced at the worst possible moments when she was just beginning to trust, snatching away hope and leaving her empty and lost instead of gloriously happy.