Jed picked up his phone and scrolled down to Kate’s mobile number. His thumb hovered over the call button and he took a big gulp from his glass, staring at nothing for a couple of minutes. He threw the phone against the wall. Sixth phone in ten weeks. Fuck.
He looked around for the bottle and spotted it laying on its side. Empty. Shit, he’d only opened that this morning. Well, lunchtime really. When he’d woken up. He stared at nothing again for a few minutes. Picked up the hotel phone and dialled room service. A bottle of Jack Daniels. No, no food.
He lay back on the bed and stared at the ceiling. God, he wanted to speak to her. Wanted to hold her, smell her hair, feel her fingers on his skin, hear her laugh. In his head he saw her again, in that bastard’s bed, the horrified look on her face. He should have done more than just break that fucker’s nose.
He closed his eyes against the awful image of Lillie and Steve. Together. Kissing. Fucking.
Opening his eyes, he rocketed off the bed to standing, casting his eyes around the room searching for alcohol. He paced the room, kicking clothes and empty cans.
Ears tuned, ready for a knock on the door, he pounced as soon as he heard the timid rap at the door. He grabbed the bottle, snatched the bill, scrawled his signature and slammed the door shut before the waiter had time to blink.
Unscrewing the cap with almost inhuman speed, he took a huge swig. He sat down in an armchair, clutching the bottle.
Shit.
Not for the first time, he wished he had told her about the whole marriage thing from the start. But then she’d told him all about the married man she hadn’t realised she had been having an affair with and he had panicked.
He took another long drink, closed his eyes again. Opened them immediately, the image of Lil and Steve flashing into his head again. Imagined Steve stroking her, making her moan.
He slammed the bottle down onto the arm of his chair, amber liquid splashing over his clothes and onto the floor. His heart was hammering, every muscle in his body tight with tension. That fucker. He hoped he burnt in the ninth circle of hell forever.
God dammit. Why hadn’t he told her? Why had she retaliated by sleeping with that motherfucking asshole? He thought he could forgive her but he would never be able to forget. The image of her in that bed, Steve in front of him; that was seared into his brain forever. Sarah had cheated on him three times. He could not, would not, go through it all again.
He loved Lillie with his whole being but he just couldn’t bring himself to trust her. Yeah, she’d been drunk but she’d still done it. Being drunk was no excuse. He’d been drunk a thousand times, been offered no-strings sex ten thousand times, never succumbed. He wasn’t Johnny, he thought bitterly, taking another gulp.
Ten weeks and two days ago he had been the happiest he had ever been. Another swig. He’d drunk almost a third of the bottle, surely he would pass out any minute now?
He embraced the sweet blackness that the bourbon lured him into where he didn’t dream or think. There was just the beautiful darkness and quiet.
He took another big drink and waited for oblivion to drag him under. One more shot…
* * *
Johnny pounded on the door.
‘Jed, c’mon man! Open the door!’
He paused, banged the door again, winced at the pain in his knuckles and waited. He put his ear to the door, listening for movement.
‘Shit,’ he muttered to himself. ‘Jed, open up! I don’t wanna have to bust another door, dude.’
Nothing. He took a few steps back, ready to shoulder barge the door. Two deep breaths.
‘What the fuck, man?’ Jed slurred.
Johnny looked up at him and took in his bloodshot eyes and tangled hair.
‘We gotta get to soundcheck in a bit. You should get ready.’
Jed nodded, stepped out into the hall and swung the door shut behind him.
‘Okay. No shower today. Again. Well, I guess some chicks dig that,’ Johnny muttered to himself, leading the way to the elevators. They stepped into the small box and Johnny recoiled from the smell coming from Jed. He tried not to breathe in the bourbon fumes, dug in his pockets and smiled in triumph as he found one tab of gum. He held it out to Jed, who took it, put it in his mouth and started chewing, resuming his empty staring at the faux wood panelling. Johnny stifled a sigh and watched the numbers light up as they descended to the lobby.
The doors pinged open and Johnny’s mouth opened in horror as he took in the crowd of twenty or so screaming fan girls before him. He turned to gauge Jed’s reaction, surprised to see him staring through the girls, as if they weren’t there. He stepped out into the hotel lobby and the girls reluctantly parted to let him through. Johnny felt the disappointment and anger whip through the air.
He signed a few CDs, avoided answering questions about Lil and Jed and got onto the bus as quickly as he could. Still, he couldn’t escape hearing a few comments that he wished he hadn’t. It was like Chris had said, the fans would only put up with so much. Even the hardcore fans.
Johnny sat in a seat on his own and sighed. Tonight’s gig was going to suck. He had already noticed less banners appearing in the audience. Some booing when Jed forgot his words. Ticket sales were dwindling.
Of course, Jed hadn’t noticed. He was always too wasted to see what was going on in the audience. Johnny knew that Chris was concerned but more about Jed’s welfare than anything else. Eddie was different though. He was dedicated, committed to the band and, although sympathetic to Jed’s situation, rapidly becoming pissed off with his behaviour.
Johnny knew he wasn’t good enough to carry a lead guitar role, so they couldn’t afford to lose Eddie. He had to make sure Eddie was happy because Jed sure as hell wasn’t up to the job.
Soundcheck went okay. It seemed to sober Jed up a little and, in the dressing room, Johnny even managed to get him to eat some pizza. He was soon back on the Jack though and Johnny felt the tension increase when the support band left to go onstage.
It started innocently enough. Jed was in a corner, seemingly in his own world, clutching a bottle but not actually drinking from it. Eddie asked Chris, quietly, how Kate was. Chris replied in a low voice, that she was okay, not great.
‘You don’t need to have secretive conversations, you know. I’m right here. I can hear you.’ Jed belligerently took a drink.
‘Hey, man, we weren’t talking to you,’ Chris said, carrying on his conversation with Eddie.
Johnny glanced at Jed, heart rate increasing. Shit, he thought, why’d Chris do that? He knew Jed was volatile. Anything could set him off. Johnny crossed the room to Jed, hoping to pacify him.
‘So, I was thinking about the encore –’
Jed stood up abruptly, staring across the room at Chris and Eddie. He lifted the bottle to his mouth and took another swig and Johnny sighed, placing himself between Jed and Chris and Eddie.
‘C’mon, man’ Johnny said, putting a hand on Jed’s arm.
‘Get the fuck off me,’ Jed hissed, turning bright green eyes on him and Johnny took an involuntary step back, shocked at the hatred in his face.
‘Jed –’ Johnny started to try and reason with him but Chris interrupted.
‘You know what, Jed? This is all your own fault, man.’
Johnny felt Jed hesitate momentarily before the alcohol took hold of him.
‘Fuck you, Chris. You have no idea what it’s like to be me. With your perfect fucking girlfriend.’ Jed took another hit from the bottle.
‘You know what? I’m bored shitless by your self pity. You should have just told Lil the truth instead of being a pussy about it all,’ Chris retaliated.
Jed was across the room before Johnny had time to react.
Knuckles crunched against cheekbone. Chris and Johnny turned to stare at Eddie, shaking his hand in pain as Jed crumpled to the floor.
‘Holy fuck!’
Chris exclaimed, eyes wide in shock.
‘Oh man, that fucking hurts. Shit!’ Eddie said, blowing on his knuckles. ‘I think I might have broken something.’
‘Jed?’ Johnny shook Jed’s shoulder carefully. ‘Hey. Jed? Dude, get up,’ he shook him again. ‘Fucking hell, what are we gonna do if he doesn’t wake up soon?’
‘Does it really matter? I bet the gig would be better without him,’ Eddie said, carefully flexing his fingers.
‘Awwww, c’mon, man. He’s the heart of this band,’ Johnny said. ‘Give Jed a break, he’s going through some serous shit.’ Johnny shook him again and he stirred, opening his eyes.
‘What the hell?’ he tried to sit up and put his fingers to his cheek. ‘Ow. Shit. What the fuck happened?’
Johnny helped him up to standing and led him over to the beaten up sofa.
‘Get some ice,’ he instructed Chris, sitting down beside Jed and leaning in close to inspect his face.
‘It looks okay,’ he said to Jed, ‘it’ll bruise but I’m pretty sure it’s not broken.’
‘Well, it fucking hurts like hell,’ Jed said, patting his face gingerly. ‘What happened?’
Johnny risked a quick glance over at Eddie, nursng his hand in the corner of the room.
‘You fell over, man,’ he lied. ‘I think maybe you oughta stop drinking so much.’
Jed looked at him closely and Johnny stared back at him, concentrating on not looking away.
‘I must have hit the deck pretty hard, huh?’ he attempted a laugh, wincing against the pain just as Chris arrived and held out ice to him. Jed smiled gratefully and took it, pressing it against his cheekbone.
‘I know I’ve been a complete asshole lately. I’m sorry. It’s just – it’s hard, you know?’
‘Yeah, we know. It’s cool. You need time, we all know that,’ Johnny said, ‘maybe you should talk to her –’ He tailed off at the look in Jed’s eyes and stood up.
‘Anyway, it’s time. Let’s go.’
He held a hand out to Jed, who paused for a split second before grasping it and allowing Johnny to pull him up. The others had moved off and they were alone. Jed looked at Johnny as if he wanted to say something and Johnny waited.
‘I’m sorry Johnny,’ he said, his voice breaking. ‘I know this isn’t ideal, I’m gonna try and make things better but I miss her. I miss her so much.’
‘I know, man. I know,’ Johnny stepped towards him and wrapped his arms around him. His heart ripped as he felt Jed’s pain, his sobs racking his body as he clung to Johnny’s shoulders. Johnny blinked back his own tears. He missed Lillie too.
But more than that, he was terrified that Jed would regress back to how he was after Sarah. Totally broken. Everyone thought he was damaged beyond repair that time but he had astounded them all. Johnny didn’t know if he had it in him to bounce back again.
The drinking, the anger, the self pity. This was ten times as bad as Sarah. He didn’t know if Jed would make it this time.
CHAPTER THIRTY FOUR
Lillie looked at her newly blonde hair in the mirror and mourned her dark waves for the thousandth time. Still, it could have been worse. She could have gone for one of those fashionable 80s throwback hair cuts like Flock of Seagulls. Or done a Britney and shaved it all off. Maybe she just needed to get used to it. She could always dye it back.
After hearing Kate and Johnny on the phone, she had realised that she needed to get it together and they did say a change was as good as a rest. Hence the hair colour. It was a cliché, she knew, but she had felt brave and empowered as she sat in the salon, the smell of bleach filling her nose as she sipped on a latte and read gossip magazines.
When the stylist had blown her wavy hair straight and whipped the cape off her shoulders with obvious pride, it was all Lillie could do not to cry. She had fake smiled and gushed about how much she loved it, paid the small fortune the fancy salon charged, left a big tip and covered her hair with a hat as soon as she got round the corner.
Kate had tried to hide her horror but Lillie knew it was bad. She looked like a ghost. Pale skin, pale hair. Even her eyes seemed to have dulled to a murky grey instead of the bluish grey they usually were. This was one platinum blonde that was not going to have more fun.
Someone from the record company had called her a couple of days ago and left a message asking her to call them back regarding a solo artist contract. She bet that Johnny had something to do with that. Or maybe even that arsehole Steve. No, not Steve. How could he possibly feel guilty for taking advantage of her and ruining her life when he was completely without a soul? Definitely Johnny then.
Now she had to decide whether she was going to stay in the music industry or go back to shitty office work. A flashback to Felicity yapping orders at her was enough to convince her that, no matter how much being onstage terrified her and painfully reminded her of better times in equal measures, she would at least be doing something she loved. And Johnny had helped her get over the stage fright for the most part.
She spent a couple of days thinking about the pros and cons of life as a singer and, apart from sharing a record label with the band and the fear of maybe one day bumping into him and embarrassing herself beyond imagination by throwing herself at his feet or worse, the cons list was extremely short.
She had wanted to be a singer her whole life. She could do it on her own. She didn’t need him or the band to be a success. She just needed her confidence back and to believe in herself. Kate believed in her. So did Johnny. This morning, he had emailed her a very long list of reasons why she had to sign with the label and some of them even made sense.
Just because her mum hadn’t managed to make it didn’t mean Lilie couldn’t. She was going to do this. She was going to call them back right now and tell them she wanted to sign with them. She just needed a cup of tea first. Oh and maybe some lunch. And her room really needed sorting out.
Perhaps she’d just sleep on it tonight and give it the consideration it deserved tomorrow. Yeah, that sounded like a better idea. No need to rush into things, look at her hair. One rash decision and she looked like the living dead. Tomorrow she was going to take Kate out to lunch and see what she thought. No more mistakes.
CHAPTER THIRTY FIVE
Lillie closed the door behind Kate and let the smile slide off her face. She leaned against the hard wood and slid down to the floor, hugging her knees and cried. With Kate gone and her parents and Tess already on their cruise ship, she was alone for the first time in months.
When she finally stopped crying, she eased herself up on shaky legs and went into the kitchen, poured herself a large vodka and tonic and drank it down. Poured another and held it, staring at the fridge.
God, she was a shit friend. She could tell that Kate had been holding in her excitement, not wanting to upset Lillie. Lillie was really happy that Kate was getting to see Chris after all this time. She just wished she was going too.
She doubled over at the imagined feel of his arms, tears coming thick and fast. Dammit. She hadn’t cried like this for weeks. Kate had been her dam and now she was gone. Gone to New York. Gone to have fun and laugh and celebrate with Johnny and Chris. And him.
Lillie drained her glass and willed herself to get a grip. She leaned against the counter, swiped at her face with her sleeve and took some deep breaths. This was going to be harder than she thought. She exhaled hard and thought about what she was going to do for the rest of the day.
Beside her the phone rang, making her jump. She picked it up before she could even think about it.
‘Hello?’
‘Lillie?’
Her heart pounded and her head span. American accent, male voice. She couldn’t speak. Her legs gave way and she slumped to the floor in a painful heap.
‘Lil? Are you there?’ Johnny.
Lillie breathed again.
‘Yeah, I’m here. Hi.�
�� Lillie’s voice was flat, full of disappointment. She felt a pang of pity for Johnny and tried to pull herself together.
‘Hey, how you doing? I know Kate’s left already. I wanted to check you were doing okay. It’s been a while, babe.’ Lillie rubbed a hand over her forehead and closed her eyes.
‘Yeah, I know. I’m okay. How are you? How’s –’ she paused, ‘everyone?’ She crossed her legs beneath her and reached for her glass. Empty.
‘Yeah, yeah, I’m good. Tour’s over until February so, you know, we’re all just kicking back. Enjoying being in one place for more than two days, you know how it is.’ The happiness in his voice stabbed Lillie’s heart, the reminder that she had once been part of it all twisting painfully.
‘Yeah, I remember.’ Lillie’s voice was dull. She took a deep breath and tried to inject more life into her voice. ‘So, are you spending Christmas with your parents?’
‘Yeah. They say hi by the way. So does Sandra.’ Lillie flinched. ‘She says she emailed you but you never replied.’ The rebuke was clear in his voice but Lillie stayed silent. ‘You can’t cut us all out of your life, Lil. It doesn’t work that way. We care about you, sweetheart.’
His voice softened and Lillie fought back tears and swallowed hard. She took a shaky breath and asked him what his plans were for Christmas. She heard him sigh at her change of subject.
‘Get drunk, eat lots, the usual drill. How about you? I heard you were going to be alone.’
‘Yeah, well, it’s better that way I think. I don’t really feel like doing much, so –’ Lillie let her unfinished sentence float down the line.
‘Jed’s the same.’
Lillie winced at the sound of his name.
‘I don’t know where he’s going but he’s not spending it with us. Said he couldn’t handle people.’
Lillie nodded, she knew the feeling.
‘Anyway, babe, I heard you agreed to meet with the label.’
Lillie stood up and poured herself another drink.
How to Catch a (Rock) Star: A Story of Sex, Love and Rock 'n' Roll Page 23