I was in my room, laying sideways on my bed. My head hung off the side and Paxton pumped himself in and out of my mouth. He held my legs open while he squirted a clear substance through my slit, letting it drip from a foot away. Two fingers held me open and the slippery substance ran down me. After his fingers rubbed it in, he slid a dildo in and out of me. I barely moved. My head moved due to his hips thrusting into me, but that’s it.
Even when he flipped me and gave it to me from behind. My expression never changed. It stayed the same to the last second. Until Paxton shot his load all over my breasts. Paxton left me and I cleaned myself up. Same expression.
“Now watch,” he said.
Once again the screen changed to the bathroom. We were all over each other. My hands didn’t hang to my sides like they had before. They explored his back, his shoulders, and his chest. My head turned from side to side, begging him to touch me, kiss me, and discover my body the way I did his.
Erotic. Pure passion stood between us. Something we didn’t have before. Wow. I understood now. I mean not really. I didn’t understand, but I did. I could see it.
“See what I mean. You don’t do this, Gabriella. It’s not you.”
I didn’t say anything. I really didn’t know what to say. Paxton moved the video to me masturbating in the bathroom.
“I’ve always had to use some kind of lubrication with you. I can’t even touch you without your pussy getting wet now. And look at this shit. Who the fuck is this?
He changed it to that day. I stood in the door watching him walk away, yelling at his back.
“Bastard. Dick. Fuck face. Jerk-off,” I called to the empty house.
I snorted a little with that one.
“This isn’t funny, Gabriella. I can’t even humiliate you with an ass beating anymore. Your pussy likes that, too. I don’t know what to do. This isn’t you.”
“Yeah, so you’ve said that about fifty times. What do you want me to say? Are you sure it’s not me? Maybe it’s me who knew the cameras were there when I look like a robot. Maybe this is me when I didn’t know about the cameras.”
Paxton stalked away and sat on the sofa across from the desk. His fingers went through his hair, frustration written all over his face.
“You know the part that I keep going back to?” he asked.
“Before or after I knew who I was?”
“After. You made Ophelia look you in the eyes. You told her not to ever let anyone make her feel like she needed to look down. You told her she was bigger than that.”
Now I was confused. Even more so than before. “What?”
“I want her to be bigger than that,” Paxton said in a voice I didn’t recognize. Gentle.
I leaned back in the chair and crossed my arms with a smirk. “Well, I’ll be. Go to hell. You’re fighting your own demons. You like me this way, and you’re too damn bullheaded to admit it.”
“I can’t do it, Gabriella. I need things a certain way. I don’t want this shit.”
I blew out a puff of air, feeling it, too. “Passion changes things. Doesn’t it?”
“Jesus Christ. Go to bed. I can’t take anymore right now.”
I stood and walked toward him, stopping right in front of him. “Go to bed with me,” I requested. I didn’t offer my hand, only my bed.
“I can’t.”
“Why, Paxton? Why can’t you love me?”
“Walk away, Gabriella.”
My hand dropped to his hair, and my fingers laced through it. His eyes stared up and I witnessed the same loss. The same loss I felt.
“I was a victim of child pornography when I was ten. Goodnight, Paxton.”
His hand grabbed my wrist and he held me with a frown. “What?”
“I just wanted to tell you that. Something I’m sure you don’t know about me. Something that I never told you.”
“How do you know this?”
“I remember things. Mostly when I’m resting, but it’s not current. It’s from my childhood.”
“You sure? Maybe it’s something else. Something from your injury.”
I pulled my arm from his grasp and assured him with a sad tone, “It’s not. Goodnight.”
~~
Sunday was a weird day. Paxton worked from his office most of the day, avoiding me. I made a vegetable lasagna with the girl’s help and we swam in the pool while it baked. We floated on three rafts. Me in the middle. I held both their hands and we closed our eyes. The girls played a game where they had to guess where in the pool we had floated after the count of fifty. I half listened, focused more on the mess I’d gotten myself into. So many unanswered questions.
“Are we eating any time today?” Paxton asked from the door.
I raised my Elvis knockoffs over my head and looked at him. “Yes, I’ll get it on the table. Do you want it out here, or inside?”
“Outside,” Rowan and Ophelia both answered for him.
“You’re outnumbered. Your vote doesn’t count anymore,” I said in sort of a tease while I felt him out and tried to decipher his mood.
“That’s fine. We can eat out here,” he agreed.
Paxton avoided eye contact with me and stepped toward the pool. “Who’s ready for a cannonball?” he called to the girls, sending them both into swimming frenzies. Arms and legs flailing while they screamed and tried to get away. I smiled a sad smile and walked away.
Dinner was good. Other than a couple of awkward glances, we didn’t really communicate with each other. Only the girls.
“Is there any meat in this?” Paxton questioned, fork lifting pasta from his plate.
“No, zucchini. Try it. You’ll like it.”
“Make it how you normally do from now on.”
Make it yourself. Dick.
Paxton ate half the pan of lasagna himself. I wanted to rub it in so bad, but I didn’t. I cleaned up instead. He complained about being too full, wobbled his way over to the blue-and-white striped cabana bed, and fell into it.
I took the two empty milk glasses from my girls and moved my gaze from their dad’s. “You two go wash up so we can get a little nap in.”
“I’m not tired,” Rowan assured me.
“I’m not tired, too,” Ophelia followed.
“Go lay down with your dad. There’s a nice breeze today. Just rest for a little bit. You don’t have to go to sleep.”
“Get over here, monsters,” Paxton coaxed playfully. He wrestled around with them for a little bit before they settled. One in each arm, talking about a movie. Rowan made him pinky promise that he would watch it with her, and Ophelia yawned, seconds away from the nap she didn’t need. By the time I’d gotten everything carried in and the kitchen cleaned, Ophelia was out, and Rowan was deep into explaining the movie, going into great detail of why Anna had to live in an ice house.
I didn’t really ask permission to walk to the beach. I just told him without looking at him.
“I’m going to go for a walk on the beach,” I blurted.
Rowan tried to slide from the bed, but her dad stopped her with an arm over her torso. “I want to go to, Daddy.”
“No, you stay here. Mommy needs some time to think about things. She has a lot of stuff she needs to remember really fast.”
I walked away with that. Rowan’s focus left princess Anna and moved to a movie I shouldn’t have let her see. I watched it with her. It was a cute movie with no language or nudity, but it was still PG-13. I was sure I would hear about it from Paxton.
The stupid boot on my foot was like walking in quick sand on the beach. As soon as I was out of Paxton’s sight, I took it off and enjoyed the feel of warm sand on my feet. The air was cool with a soft breeze, and the sun warmed my face. A sense of wellbeing swept over me with the light breeze, and I didn’t know what I felt. My feelings betrayed me, and I never knew what to expect. I strolled along the beach in ankle-deep seawater, trying to make sense of it all. Of anything.
One thing was for sure. Paxton’s feelings betrayed him, too.
I could see it in the conflicted way he looked at me. I could feel it in the way he touched me. The way he kissed me, and the way we both seemed to be fighting it. I didn’t even like the man. Why? Pfft, everybody should fall in love when they don’t remember anything.
I glanced around at the houses in the distance, the pier up ahead, and the endless ocean. The power of the water felt familiar, but that was it. I didn’t recall anything else, but I was drawn to a rocky point. That’s the direction I went, hoping to find something to believe in. The boulders had a path of seawater flowing through them in a zigzag, and I made my way through the maze. A noticeable change in the temperature cooled my skin until I climbed up the middle rock, the safest of the clump.
The sun was high. Warm on my face with a clear blue sky. I inhaled the magnificent ocean with closed eyes, taking it all in, smelling brine and hearing the echoing caw of seagulls overhead.
“I knew you’d find your way back here,” an unfamiliar voice said from behind.
My relaxed posture stiffened and I was pulled from my meditated state. “Oh, hey. Um…Lane.”
“Yep, Lane.”
“Right, Candace’s husband. How are you?” I asked. A bit of adrenalin burst into my bloodstream, but I wasn’t sure why.
Lane laughed. “Yeah, I’m Candace’s husband.”
“It’s obvious that you want me to remember something that I don’t. I’m sorry. I’m not understanding what your deal is with me.”
“Of course not, and it sucks. You were so close, Gabby. So close.”
“So close to what?”
“Does it matter? How are things? Are you okay?”
“What things? Why wouldn’t I be okay?”
“Forget it. You know where I live if you need me. Have a good evening, Gabby,” Lane sadly said, eyes squinting from the sun. He nodded a goodbye and jogged away.
I had nothing to come back with. What the hell was that all about? I was so close? Close to what? I scratched my head and looked over the rocks at Lane, continuing his slow run. Confused as hell, I snorted a puff of air, frustrated with the whole damn thing. It’s one thing to have a brain injury, to not remember who you are. It’s another when you can’t even get the answers to simple questions. Sometimes, I felt like everyone wanted to keep something hidden from me. Other times, I was certain they were protecting me. But from what?
~~
Paxton and the girls were in the kitchen eating ice cream when I returned. Our eyes instantly met, and we tried to look away without the other one noticing. We failed. Our eyes did that on their own. I know I didn’t have any control over it. I didn’t even want to like the guy.
“I wanted to go for a walk with you,” Ophelia whined in a pout.
“We’ll walk tomorrow. Maybe we’ll have a picnic on the beach. I found some really cool rocks you guys can climb on.”
Ophelia and Rowan giggled.
Paxton rolled his eyes, unamused. “You go there all the time. The girl’s aren’t allowed to climb on those rocks.”
I frowned, wondering why. A little kid would have a blast on those rocks. Surely we did it behind his back. I didn’t comment. It wouldn’t matter what I thought. Paxton was the boss. Paxton was King of his castle.
“I’m going to grab a shower. Finish up so you can get yours, too, girls,” I said with a kiss to the back of each of their heads.
Paxton followed me out, stopping me just outside the door. “You need to ask me first.”
“Ask you what?” I asked, eyes darting right to his. Ugh. I even asked in a seductive tone. What the hell?
“If you can shower.”
“I’m not going to do that, Paxton.”
“Then I’m going to beat your ass.”
“Darn,” I sarcastically said, and stomped away. Yup, I poured fuel on the fire and I didn’t know why. I was possessed around the man. That was the only explanation.
Needless to say, I still didn’t get to find out what I had written. Not one clue. Paxton worked in his office and the girls and I watched a Disney movie and colored a princess. I could see Paxton on my left behind his desk, door open
“I like this mommy better,” Rowan nonchalantly said without looking up from her page.
Of course my eyes went right to Paxton. Yup. He heard it, too. “You do? What do you mean?” I questioned in the same laid-back tone that she used, trying not to make a big deal about it.
“You didn’t never color with us before.”
“I didn’t?”
“Uh-uh. Did she, Phi?”
“Nope, and you didn’t wake us up with Mr. Shark either,” Ophelia helped. She never looked up from her page on the coffee table, either. A green crayon colored vigorously out of the lines.
“That’s a pig,” I said with twisted eyebrows.
“But his name is Mr. Shark,” she explained with great determination. Like I should have known that.
“Oh, gotcha.”
“Bedtime, ladybugs,” Paxton called from his office. He stood to tuck them in and they both complained. They needed to finish their pictures.
“Let’s go. Candace brought you a new book,” I said, bribing them with entertainment.
“It’s not a new book,” Paxton cockily said as if he found pleasure in putting me in my place. I didn’t know. She didn’t say anything. She just shoved it in my hand and said she had to go.
“Okay?” I replied with a question. I couldn’t read his mind. Geesh.
“It’s their book club book. It’s your job to order the books. You’re supposed to pass them out on Sunday nights. You know. Since you’re the only mother in the neighborhood that doesn’t work,” he smartly said. Like my job of being his wife was less adequate than his landscaping business. I should have gotten paid a thousand bucks a day for putting up with his narcissistic ass.
“Then me and Phi, and Collin, and Chance have a circle day, and eat cake,” Ophelia explained.
“They’re in a neighborhood book club? Why?”
“Pick up the crayons, Rowan. Bedtime,” Paxton said while he looked at me with annoyance. “Because they’re kids. They need stimulation.”
“So do I, but not twenty-four-seven.”
“S.T.O. P.”
He didn’t say it, but I read it loud and clear. Every letter that he mouthed to me.
“Sorry, but I don’t think all this stimulation is necessary. Let’s go Clydes.”
“Clydes? What the hell is that? You know what? Never mind. Forget it. I don’t even care. Come on Phi, I mean Ophelia. Clean up.”
“Daddy has to do it then you,” Ophelia explained to me. I only knew what she meant by osmosis. Every night that I had been there so far, he put them to bed, and I came after him.
“Let’s go read in one bed or the other, though,” I countered.
“Well, we don’t do it like that. You have to read it to me first because it’s my turn,” Rowan said, serious expression to match the explanation. Spitting image of her father. Rowan would, no doubt, grow up to be a leader.
“Well, that’s dumb. I’m only reading it once. If it’s your turn to go first, Phi can jump in your bed. Now move it,” I ordered while I took a step to the coffee table and helped Ophelia get the crayons in the box. Both girls happily got up and skipped away.
Paxton grabbed the back of my shirt before I could escape with them. He yelled for them to brush their teeth while he pulled me tight against his body. “What the fuck am I supposed to do with you? Stop doing that. You have no say in what goes on in this house. I need you to remember that, Gabriella. I’m begging you with everything in me. Back down.”
“Why, Paxton? Because you would rather I didn’t color Cinderella with my girls? What would I normally be doing at this time?”
As soon as his lips touched my neck, my eyes automatically closed. Warm words were spoken on my skin and emotions I didn’t understand, took over.
“It’s Sunday night. You sweep and mop the kitchen on Sunday nights. You do a load of laundry, and clean up
while I put the girls to bed. And again, you read the weekly book to each of the girls. That’s your bonding time.”
“You have no clue what that even means.” With that, I gathered my emotions and walked away. I didn’t wait for Paxton to go tuck them in first. I crawled in bed with them. Right between them, holding them close. From what I had gathered so far, I had a lot of making up to do. Why? Why didn’t I used to color with them? I always loved to color. Just like everything else, I knew that to be a fact, too. How? Who knows? I just did.
Chapter Thirteen
With churning thoughts about who I was, where I came from, and what I was supposed to do next, I flipped on my tablet.
The poem fit my mood. Confusion spoken about through a storm. Dark clouds and swirling winds gathered with the chaos.
“Why did you tell me that?”
My eyes turned to Paxton, arms crossed with a stern, expression. I dropped the tablet and stared with hooded eyes.
I knew what he spoke of, but I pretended that I didn’t. “Tell you what?”
“Who hurt you, Gabriella? Who did that to you?”
I smiled at him, but it wasn’t a sad smile. More out of surprise. Well, I’ll be. Paxton Pierce did have a soft spot.
“Rod and Dink. I don’t know. I was ten. That’s all I remembered.”
“But you’re sure? You know that happened. Maybe you’re wrong.”
“Maybe, but I don’t think I am. It was too real. Too raw.”
My eyes watched him carefully stroll over to me. The bed dipped when he sat on the edge, and his fingers ran through his hair.
“I keep thinking about the girls. I would fucking kill someone. Where was your mom, your dad, who protected you, Gabriella?” he asked with an extremely agitated tone. Wow. This really bothered him.
“Why don’t you know anything about me?”
“I never asked. I don’t want to know, but you keep telling me anyway.”
“But why? You’re so mean to me.”
“I’m not mean.”
I snorted with that one. “You’re mean.”
“But you never thought that before. You did it. Every-thing that we agreed on. You did it.”
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