by Harper Sloan
“I hope your silence is an indicator that you understand, although at this point, I honestly don’t think I care. I deserve better than being the little woman that you fuck when you can't stay away anymore.” Walking to the door, I opened it wide, gesturing for him to leave.
When he got to where I was standing, he stopped. For a moment, my heart softened. I could see the loving and passionate man inside of him, and could see that he wanted so desperately to take a chance. I stared at him, hoping against hope that he would realize that it was okay to take a leap of faith.
Unfortunately, the terrified boy in him won, as usual. “I guess if that’s what you need to do, Sabrina, I have no choice but to accept it. Let me know, one way or the other.”
As he walked out, it was all I could do not to slam the door after him. I locked up, then made my way back down the hall to my room.
The air was scented with the smell of sex, and it made me nauseous. I didn’t need the reminder of what had happened in there. Grabbing my favorite pillow, I made my way down the hall and curled up in Brooke’s bedroom.
I didn’t expect to fall asleep, but my mind blessedly shut down. Within minutes, I was dead to the world.
I woke up just after ten, annoyed by the light coming through Brooke’s blinds. She didn’t like black out blinds like I did, and it was a little disorienting to wake up to so much light. I stayed still for a few minutes as I got my bearings.
I was just getting ready to get up when I heard the front door open. “Sabrina? You awake?”
Sitting up I yelled down the hall, “Brooke, I’m awake and in your room.”
Entering the bedroom, she raised an eyebrow at me. I knew she was wondering why I slept in her bed.
“Brooke. We need to talk. Sit down.”
Sitting down next to me, she stared at me anxiously and waited for me to speak. Before I could talk myself out of doing it I blurted, “I’ve been having an affair with Dante.”
Her mouth popped open in shock. “Holy shit, Sabrina. HOLY SHIT! I knew something was strange that morning he came over and you got all weird about it.”
I nodded at her, letting her know that she was right. "We'd had sex for the first time the night before, and I fled in the middle of the night while he was asleep."
Smiling at me, Brooke rubbed her hand over my cheek. "But he turned up the next morning. And of course after that, you practically glowed for weeks and weeks. And then you weren't glowing anymore at all. What happened?"
I spent the next twenty minutes bringing her up to speed on everything that happened. I left nothing out – not even the fact that I was in love with him.
Her eyes were wet with tears as she wrapped her arms around me, rocking me back and forth. I sobbed and sobbed, letting it all out. Eventually my tears subsided, and I was left feeling comforted by the release, both from sharing information with my sister and from crying it out.
When I was finished, she left the bedroom for a minute to get me a glass of orange juice. After handing it to me, she sat back down on the bed as she asked, “So. You’re not going to go to work for two weeks?”
I nodded in the affirmative. “I just can’t do it, and instead of sitting around here staring at the walls, I’m going to leave. I have to. I don’t think I can go back to being his assistant, Brooke. I love him too much, and he doesn't care the way I need him to. I’m all over the place trying to decide what to do. I could ask Damien if he would genuinely like me to be a project manager. Or, I might just quit entirely. I’m not sure what I can deal with at this point, which is part of the reason I need to get away.”
My heart constricted in my chest and I felt awful when Brooke tried to smile encouragingly at me as her lower lip quivered. “You’re all I have in the world, Rina. Promise me you won’t let him chase you out of the state or anything. I’d die without you.”
I was across the bed in an instant, grabbing her to me in a fierce hug. “Brooke, you’re not just my sister. You’re my best friend, the only blood family I have left. I’d never leave you, and I certainly wouldn't move from the state because of a broken heart.”
Her relief was palpable. Nodding, she pulled back and smiled at me. “I know that. It’s just hard, you know? Mom and dad were gone so fast. You’ve always been the strong one, so much like daddy. You’re smart, capable, confident and wise. Seeing you so sad… I feel sick inside. I’ve never seen you cry over a guy. Not once. You’ve always been so tough. I hate Dante for hurting you.”
Shaking my head, I blew out a frustrated breath. “I was afraid of this, and for this reason alone, I probably should have said no. Brooke, most of what happened with Dante I did to myself. He was never anything less than honest. My friendship with him is over, but he adores you. You need him, Damien, Spencer, Dominique and Delilah. Don’t push them away because I’m struggling right now. I certainly have no intention of losing contact with Damien, Spencer or the girls.”
Staring at me for a moment, she pondered what I’d just said. Finally, she nodded. “I’ll try. It’s hard to think of him in the same way though, knowing that he is responsible for your pain. No matter what you say, he is accountable for this, and I’m angry.”
I nodded, unsure of what else I could possibly do. “All I can ask is that you try. Don’t burn any bridges.”
Deciding that I needed to get her mind off of her anger, I told her that I needed to eat. Once in the kitchen I grabbed a box of cereal and some milk, then sat down and poured myself a bowl. Brooke grabbed a toaster strudel, and the two of us sat at the kitchen counter while we ate breakfast.
Breaking the silence she asked, “Where will you go?”
I shook my head and lifted my shoulders. “Don’t know. I’m just going to get in the car and go wherever the whim takes me. I’d like to switch cars with you. I wouldn’t feel right taking the company car on a trip like that. I know Dante won't care about you driving the Jag so that isn't a problem.”
After breakfast, we hugged and said our goodbyes. I promised to text or talk to her every day, and I assured her that I'd call her in a few hours and tell her where I wound up. Before she left we exchanged car keys, and I watched her drive off in my car.
I spent the next few hours dealing with the details of a vacation. I packed and then used my computer to submit a hold mail request. After reprogramming the thermostat to vacation mode, I turned out the lights, locked up the house and turned on the alarm.
It took me longer to get on the road than I wanted, and it was after two by the time I pulled out of my driveway, heading off to god knows where. I felt sad as LA disappeared from my rearview mirror, but I knew I’d made the only choice I could.
I decided to go to Las Vegas. It was an oddly right choice. I could blend in and lose myself in the crowds and the energy of the town. It could be just what I needed. Plugging my iPod in, I cranked my Foo Fighters playlist as I put the Mercedes through its paces. I made excellent time and was pulling into The Mandalay Bay before eight.
The great thing about Las Vegas was that even when you arrived at night, it was still alive with energy. The wait staff that checked me in was as friendly and energetic as if it were first thing in the morning.
I rented a suite for the night, figuring if I wanted to stay I could extend the reservation, and if not, I would move on. The room was lovely, and I made myself comfortable. I sat down on the couch and stared out at the view. I enjoyed it for a while and then ordered up some room service.
After dinner, I grabbed my iPad to read a book. My mail icon indicated I had a ton of emails.
I dealt with my work emails first, setting it so that all people that wrote me would get an automatic out of office response. When I checked over into my personal emails, I smacked my head with my palm when I realized that Brooke had written me two emails hours ago asking where I was and why I wasn't answering my phone.
A quick check of my purse and my luggage don’t yield the phone, which is when I realized that I must have either lost it or left it a
t home. Running to the room phone, I picked up and dialed Brooke's cell phone number. The phone barely had time to ring when she picked up, and right away I realized she was hysterical.
“Brooke. Brooke! It’s me. What’s wrong? Why are you crying? Did something happen?”
I barely made out that she said that everything was fine at home because she was crying so hard. “Brooke, you're scaring me. What’s wrong?”
I stood up and started pacing in a panic. I hadn’t heard her so upset since our parents died. I was starting to freak out when Spencer got on the phone.
“Sabrina? Jesus, Sabrina! Are you ok?”
“Spencer, I’m OK. What the hell is happening with my sister! Is she hurt?"
Expelling a breath he said, “Brooke is okay, Sabrina. I promise. I’m here because she panicked when she could not get you to answer the phone. She’s with me here at Delilah’s. We’ve all been scared shitless.”
I could hear Brooke crying softly in the background, Delilah making calming noises and telling her everything was all right.
Dropping his voice a little he all but whispered into the phone, “She thought the worst, Sabrina. She was utterly convinced you got into a car accident. She lost it. To be honest, we all started to get scared, especially in this last hour. Hold on a minute, Damien wants to talk to you.”
There was more shuffling, and then Damien got on the phone. "Holy shit, Sabrina, you just aged me five years. I've never been so scared. You're truly okay?"
"I'm OK. I'm terribly sorry about all of this. I just needed… well, I left."
Clearing his throat, he sighed. "Yeah, Brooke tells me that you have gone away for two weeks. I take it things… didn’t go well with Dante?
I hated to discuss it with Damien because I knew he'd just feel responsible for the whole thing, but I knew I had no choice. “No. No, it didn’t go well. He told me that he wouldn’t change, and I told him I wouldn’t be coming in for the next two weeks. I decided I need to get away, and I left. I guess I’ve lost my phone. I’m fine though, and I’m totally safe.”
The silence stretched between us for a minute before I was saved from further discomfort when he said, “Hold on a sec, Sabrina. Dominique is calling me.”
Damien was back on the line with me in less than a minute. “Well, never a dull moment. Dominique told Dante you were missing, and he’s on his way here. I've got Spencer texting him now to let him know you are safe.”
Putting my face in my hand, I groaned. I knew Dante was going to go nuts over this.
Giving a nervous cough, Damien said, “He’s going to want to know where you are.”
“No! You’re not to tell him, Damien. I need this time. Don’t make this harder on me, please. Erase the caller ID on Brooke's cell. Tell him you do not know where I am. I’m begging you.”
His sigh conveyed a myriad of thoughts and emotions, and I held my breath waiting for an answer.
“Of course I won’t tell him, if that’s what you want.”
The relief was palpable. “It's what I want and what I need. You don’t know how badly I need this. Can you please put Brooke on the phone now?”
“Yes. But before I do… Sabrina, you need to know that I’m always here. And I won’t betray your confidence to Dante. If you need anything, and I do mean anything, call me.”
"I know that, Damien, and I appreciate it more than you know. You're a wonderful friend."
I could hear shuffling and movement as Damien gave the phone back to Brooke.
Her breathing was more even, although I could hear little hiccups. “Oh, Rina, I’m so sorry. I was so scared. I didn’t mean to create drama. I was upset after we talked today, and I guess all of the stuff about mom and dad was right at the surface.”
Immediately, I got teary eyed. I knew this would always be an issue for both of us. One second our family was the center of our universe, the next second our parents were taken from us just two miles from home. It took almost eight months after my parents died for me to be able to let Brooke drive anywhere without calling me before departure and immediately after arrival. Of course my disappearing freaked her out.
“No, Brooke. I’m sorry. I seriously fucked up by losing that damn phone. I’ll get myself to an Apple store tomorrow and get a new one. I love you honey, and I’m sorry I scared you.”
We spent the next few minutes talking about less stressful things, and I was relieved that she had calmed down. We were just saying our goodbyes when I heard a commotion in the background. The bottom dropped out of my stomach when I heard what was clearly an absolutely frantic sounding Dante shouting at Damien. “Your text only said you found her and that she is okay. Is she hurt? Where is she?”
I needed to get off the phone, immediately. “Brooke, I have to go. Hang up with me and erase the caller ID on your cell if Damien didn’t do it already. If Dante asks, you tell him you don’t know where I am. Lie and say the number came up unavailable. I’ll call you tomorrow. I love you.”
“I've got it sis. I’ll take care of that now. I love you, Sabrina. Sleep tight.”
As she was hanging the phone up I could hear Dante shouting, “No! Don’t hang up with her. Please, Brooke!” The disconnecting of our call told me that she had ignored his request, and I was glad of the assurance that she wouldn’t tell him where I was.
Blowing out a frustrated breath, I flopped back onto the bed and stared at the ceiling. This entire situation was a mess. What the hell was I going to do? It hadn't even been twenty-four hours yet, and already I missed him so much that it hurt. The past weeks had been all but unbearable, but at least I'd still been seeing him. Now I'd sentenced myself to at least two weeks without him, and I hated the very idea.
I didn’t know what the answer was. All I knew for sure was that I loved him. Soul deep, heart pounding and weak in the knees love. Being away was not going to change that. Quitting wasn’t going to change that, either. My love was real and permanent, no way out or around it.
I wanted to see him at the end of the aisle as I walked toward him in a wedding dress. I wanted to grow large with children we created together in love. I wanted to wake up and see his face every day. I wanted to laugh with him, cry with him, love and support him in good times and bad. I wanted us to celebrate our fiftieth anniversary.
I knew that he was the one for me because the idea of being with someone else was actually repellant. Short of getting amnesia, there was nothing that would make me forget how much I loved him. I wished there was something, anything that I could do to make him see, but I could think of nothing.
I’d no sooner had that thought than I had an epiphany. Both times that we ended things, I played it off and ran. I didn’t even try to fight for us. Instead I put my hands up and surrendered, not wanting to embarrass myself by letting him know how much I cared.
I realized that by running I’d actually taken the easier option. That bothered me, because I’d never been so afraid of rejection that I simply refused to try.
Having a better understanding of what Dante's issues were, I wondered if I’d made things worse for both of us by running away. In my haste to protect myself from embarrassment, had I given him the impression that I didn’t think that he was worth fighting for?
And more importantly, what if I stopped running away and went back to him and showed him that we could do this, together? If I hadn't jumped the gun that day in the backyard, we'd probably still be together. I didn't think there was anything that was going to separate us right at that point other than my anxiety about where we were going. Had I pushed for too much, too soon? Was there a chance that we could work it out?
It boiled down to one key truth—I would never know if I didn't try. I needed him to know that he was worth it, that we were worth fighting for. If I suffered the humiliation of his rejection because of that, I'd deal with it. I owed it to myself to try everything I could to make us work. I knew that there wasn't a chance in hell that I'd ever love someone even half as much as I loved Dante. Risin
g from the bed, I repacked my bag and set my clothes out for the following morning.
I was taking the biggest risk of my life, but I was doing it for love. I was going back to him. I couldn’t surrender until I knew that I'd done everything that I could. If it didn’t work, at least I could walk away knowing that I’d tried my damndest.
Lying down on the bed, I curled on my side and stared out at the Las Vegas skyline as I formulated my plan.
I was so excited to get home that I was up and on the road by six. The entire drive was painless and I was parking in my driveway just after eleven. After taking my luggage into the house, I quickly made a call and booked myself in to the local spa for tomorrow to get a massage, full waxing from my eyebrows to my ankles, color and cut for my hair and a manicure and pedicure.
Once that was accomplished I reset my thermostat from the vacation setting, and then got online to cancel my mail hold. It took me almost fifteen minutes to locate my iPhone. I called it several times from the house phone, but it never rang. I searched everywhere, finally finding it underneath my bed. It was dead, so I plugged it in. Knowing that it would take a few minutes to charge up enough for me to be able to turn it on, I used that time to eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and drink a glass of milk.
Wandering back to my room, I sat on my bed and grabbed the phone from my nightstand. My eyes widened in shock when I saw that I had almost forty missed calls. Brooke accounted for twelve of the calls and messages. Her messages started out okay, but then escalated over the hours as she couldn’t get a hold of me. It was tremendously tough emotionally to hear her so unglued. I'd not heard my sister sound like that since the afternoon that she opened the front door to find two police officers there to tell us that our parents were gone. I'd been standing in the kitchen making a pitcher of iced tea for my father when I heard a sound come out of my sister that was almost inhuman. I'd never forget the pitcher slipping from my hands and crashing to the floor as I ran to the front door to find my sister in hysterics, and our lives had never been the same since. I hated the fact that my actions brought up those same kinds of emotions for her again.