by Harper Sloan
I watch as he swallows hard, rubbing his hand over his head. “This has nothing to do with Megan. I know you’re not her. There’s no fucking comparison there, and I’m over what happened to me in the past. But what I don’t know is if you are. I saw you with him. I read your lips. Right after his lips had been on yours. You can’t love us both, Charlie.”
My heart stops, and while I could be kicking myself for not having said something sooner, I decide to get angry. We’ve been over this. He promised me that he trusted me, but apparently he doesn’t. So I don’t get sad. I don’t get disappointed. I don’t start weeping or begging for his forgiveness. No, I get pissed. Really fucking pissed. And right now, all I see is freaking red.
I CAN’T believe she thinks my issue stems from her telling me she loves me. Well, okay, I can, and I know I should’ve told her sooner what was bothering me. It’s just that the more I’ve had time dwell on it, the more I’ve convinced myself that she isn’t over her ex. I saw how teary-eyed she got at the wedding, and it scares me that it wasn’t from the vows but from the reminder that she was supposed to be the one with a ring on her finger, walking down the aisle, saying her vows. I know that’s the future she wants, and I’ve never let her know that I want that, too. So instead of being an adult and just telling her what’s on my mind, I’ve reverted back to the asshole I was when we first met, trying somehow to salvage that wall around my heart, hoping to have some protection when she tells me she’s going back to him.
“Are you crazy?!” she exclaims, practically screeching as she flies out of her chair. It catches me off guard because my girl doesn’t screech.
“I know what I saw, Charlie,” is all I can say. It sounds lame, even to me. Rising to my feet, I’m almost instantly pushed back when she crosses to me, poking me in the chest.
“For your information, what you saw was Drew letting me go. What you saw was him realizing that I love you more than I ever did him. What you saw was me saying I’d love him as a friend. That was it! He stopped by to check on Dad, and me, because we spent years together, Knox. I’m not like you. I know how to forgive. I don’t permanently shut out those who hurt me. So yeah, I accepted his apology and I’m over it. Now, I’m not saying I’m going to be sending him Christmas cards every year, but I won’t turn and run away when I see him on campus.”
I know she’s still talking, but I can’t get past the whole she-loves-me-more-than-she-ever-did-him part. And in that moment, I get the sinking feeling that I just royally fucked up, much more than I ever have before with her.
“Sweetheart—” I begin, but she cuts me off.
“Don’t you dare ‘sweetheart’ me right now. I can already see it by the look on your face that you’ve just realized what an ass you are, but don’t even think about apologizing. I don’t want your ‘I’m sorry.’ I don’t need to hear that you were wrong, it was just a misunderstanding, or any other excuse from you.”
“I’m not—” Again, she doesn’t let me get more than two words out.
“I don’t want any of that. You know what I do want? Your trust. Your respect. Your love. I want you to trust that I love you. That you’re the only man for me and no one else comes close. I want you to respect me to make my own decisions when it comes to how I handle my past relationships. I want you to love me, to love me more fiercely, more deeply, more passionately than you’ve ever loved anything in your life. I want you to love me to the point that you can’t breathe when I’m not around, so much so that you can’t imagine a minute of your life without me in it. Because, Knox, that’s the way that I love you.”
Her voice starts to get shaky, and she takes a deep breath before she lifts her chin, looking directly into my eyes. I can see the tears forming in her own, but by will of what I’m guessing is sheer force, she doesn’t let them fall.
“But you don’t, do you? I actually think you do love me, but you’re too scared to admit it. And that’s okay. I don’t need you to say the words out loud for me to know what’s in your heart, because I can feel it. But that’s not enough. You don’t trust me, no matter how many times I have to tell you that you’re the only one I want. And I won’t build a relationship without trust. I can’t—I won’t—be with someone who doesn’t trust me, no matter much it hurts to say goodbye.”
My mind’s reeling, trying to process what the hell she’s saying, but by the time I can formulate any words, she’s already walking away.
“You say you’re over it, but I’m not sure you are. Figure it out, Knox. I won’t wait around forever,” she says, and with that, she goes inside, leaving me alone in the dark, trying to figure out where the hell it all went wrong. Nothing about this has to do with Megan. It has to do with the fact that another man was kissing her. Yeah, maybe I should’ve asked about it instead of acting like an idiot, but how the fuck was I supposed to ask the girl I love if she’s still in love with her ex?
When I walk inside a few minutes later, Charlie’s heading down the hall towards the front door with an overnight bag. My heart plummets, and I can’t believe we’re here. She’s leaving and she’s taking my heart with her.
Stopping her as she passes by me, I pull her in, and while she doesn’t wrap her arms around me, she doesn’t move away. “You don’t need to leave, sweetheart. We can work this out.”
Shaking her head, she pulls out of my embrace. It isn’t until she’s halfway out the door that she turns back and looks at me. “No, Knox. Until you work things out yourself, I don’t think we can.” And just like that, I’m alone. I already fucking miss her. I should go after her, fight for her, tell her that I do love her, I do trust her. But like she said, I need to respect her, respect that this is what she wants. My heart’s pounding and my mind’s screaming to run after her, but I don’t. Instead, I watch her go, wondering how in the hell I’m going to fix this.
STARING AT the calendar on my desk, I realize it’s been almost eight months since the explosion. Nearly six months since Charlie came into my life. Four since we’ve been a couple. And almost three days since she walked out of my house, but hopefully not out of my life.
Part of me thought she’d come back the next day, but she didn’t. When I wasn’t at work, I was at the gym hoping to catch sight of her, but she never showed up—at least not when I was there. The past two nights have been pure torture, and I’ve barely been able to sleep without Charlie in my bed. It’s not just her touch that I miss, but her whole presence. My house feels so empty now. I have no idea how I survived living alone before her and I can’t imagine going on without her. I have to fix this. I have to show her that I’m ready to move on, that I don’t want to do it with anyone else but her.
As if someone switched on a light bulb in my brain, I know exactly what I need to do. After getting permission to head out early for the day, I make a few phone calls and hit the road, anxious to get to my destination.
A little while later, I’m pulling into the parking lot at Wellington Enterprises. Letting out a deep breath, I get out of the car and make my way inside, determined to get this over with, once and for all.
When I find Branson’s office, I have to stop myself from rolling my eyes as he’s currently staring down the dress of a woman who’s leaning over his desk. Clearing my throat, I make my presence known, causing her to jump up, straightening her clothes.
“I’ll get right on filing these reports, Mr. Wellington,” she tells him, not looking at me as she walks past before closing the door behind her.
“Knox. I’d say it’s a pleasure, but why bother lying? Let’s cut to the chase. What do you want?” he asks, practically sneering at the sight of me in my uniform.
“Branson, for once, can you stop playing the asshole role and just be yourself? I’m not here to fight with you, and I have no desire to argue. If you don’t want to talk to me after what I have to say, that’s fine, but at least just hear me out. I need to get this off my chest—finally.”
His hard exterior softens a little, and he nods, gesturing
to the chair in front of him, but I prefer to stand.
“I’m letting it go. All of it. You, Megan, Mom, and Dad. I’m done. I’m finished being angry, being resentful. I’m tired of running away from my problems and not facing them. I know you probably don’t give a shit about my forgiveness, but you have it. I’ve been carrying the weight of this for far too long, and I’m letting it go. And damn does it feel good.” I mean it. The moment I stop talking, I feel like I just unloaded a ton of bricks off my shoulders.
“Why now? After all this time you’ve gone on hiding out, hating me from a distance, why are you all the sudden so forgiving?” he asks, looking at me. I can’t tell if he’s suspicious or just confused.
“I met a girl. A beautiful, intelligent, strong woman who taught me that all the pain from the past was worth it since it led me to her. Sure, it would’ve been nice for her to have shown up a few years ago, but now that she’s in my life, I wouldn’t change anything from the past.” His eyebrows rise, and he’s still watching me intently. “Well, I’d change one thing. I wouldn’t have spent the last eleven years separated from my family as the anger continued to rage inside me. I’d have realized that a high school relationship wasn’t worth tearing the family apart. And like I told Mom, I’m sorry for the role I played in that. I know you probably won’t believe this, but I hope we can brothers again one day. You just have to let it all go, too.”
He doesn’t say anything, and I don’t blame him. I’m sure he’s trying to process it all. I didn’t really expect us to hug it out or anything, but hopefully one of these days we can be in the same room without wanting to kill each other.
I’m about to leave when he finally speaks up. “We’re getting a divorce, you know,” he says quietly.
Turning back towards him, I respond. “I’m sorry to hear that, Bran.” I mean it. Just because of how they ended up together doesn’t mean I’d ever wish for their marriage to end.
He nods. “She was cheating,” he scoffs, shaking his head. “You probably think I deserve that.”
“Leopards and spots. You know the saying. But no, I don’t think you deserve that. No one does. Pre-nup?” I can’t help but ask.
Giving me a small smile, he stands. “Oh yeah. She screwed herself when she screwed someone else. Thanks for stopping by, Knox.”
Knowing that’s my signal that this conversation is over, I say goodbye. “See you around the holidays,” I tell him, knowing Thanksgiving’s right around the corner.
I’m almost out of the room when I hear him call my name. Looking back, I see him watching me. “Don’t ever let her go, Knox.”
Smiling, I tell him the only thing I can. “I don’t plan on it.”
Leaving the building, I realize how light my heart feels and how good it was to finally do just what I said. Let it go. Hopping back onto the highway, I suddenly remember something Kale said this morning and shoot him a text. He follows through a few minutes later, giving me the number I asked him for.
Dialing it, a gruff voice answers. “Hello?”
“Hey, man, it’s Knox,” I say, knowing he’s probably surprised as hell that I’m calling him. “I fucked up again, and well, I need your help.”
After a couple of minutes messing with me, he finally agrees to my plan, and when we hang up, I feel more energized than I have in days. One more night apart and then I’m going to prove to Charlie that she’s it for me, by any means necessary.
“IT’S ONE damn beer. I can’t watch football without my wings and beer,” Dad pouts. He’s already making my head hurt. I have no idea how I’ve been staying with him this week. He’s the worst patient, and I’ve found myself ready to smother him with my pillow a couple of times.
Okay, he’s not that bad, but you’d think that as a medical professional he’d take the advice of his own doctors. If it weren’t for Lucy still feeling sick, I’d have gone to her place. Instead, I’m here with poor Olivia, being driven crazy by an anxious man on bed rest.
“Dad, eventually you can have it in moderation, but not while you’re trying to change your lifestyle. You were in the hospital a week ago. I’m sure one beer won’t put you there, but please, for my sake of mind, go one damn game without it.”
His shoulders fall, but I know I have him. “Fine. But if you think I’m going to watch the Iron Bowl without making my wings and you bringing your choice of six-pack, then you can go ahead and consider yourself uninvited.”
Laughing, I lean down and give him a kiss on the cheek. “Thank you. And don’t worry, I have no plans of ruining all our traditions. Plus, you think I’d leave you here alone to watch the game with Olivia?”
He shudders, and I have to stifle a laugh as I see Olivia glaring at both of us. “I’m not sure I’m going to let her in the house that day,” he says jokingly.
“You’re fooling yourself if you think I’m leaving your side, Wade Davenport,” she warns him, and I look back and forth between the two of them, confused.
My eyes widen when the realization of what she means pops in my head. “Are you moving in, Olivia?” I ask, and my eyes moisten. I may be miserable right now, but knowing that Dad has her, that they’ve become serious, soothes my aching heart, if only a little bit.
“Don’t get all misty eyed on me. Livvie already told me she wasn’t leaving. I figured I might as well ask her if she wanted to move in to make it official.”
“Not that he really had a choice,” she chimes in. Looking at the two of them, I feel happy for the first time in a few days.
“I’m happy for you both,” I say. “But don’t expect me to play referee during the Bama-Auburn game. I’ll always be on Dad’s side for that one.”
With that, they start bickering some more about who’s going to win. Leaving them alone, I go back to my old room and fall on my old bed. How the hell did I get here? Six months ago this is exactly where I didn’t want to be, but here I am.
Curling up with one of Knox’s shirts that I may have taken when I was packing, I think back on everything that happened the night he insinuated I wasn’t over Drew. I was so angry that night that I couldn’t see straight. His near accusation that I was still in love with Drew and the fact that he even thought it was possible that I’d leave him for Drew were more than I could stand. I couldn’t stay in that house after hearing those things, and I’ve been regretting it ever since.
Thinking back, I knew there was a chance that Knox saw Drew, and if I’m honest with myself, I probably would’ve freaked out if I’d spotting him getting so close with Megan. I have no idea how I got out of that house without tears spilling over, but I think if I had started crying, I wouldn’t have ever left. While I wish I hadn’t, I’m hoping that Knox is taking his time to work through his baggage or else I don’t know that we’ll have a snowball’s chance in hell of working out. I’ve found myself in my car, ready to head home more times than I can count, but I always stop myself, knowing that I need to let Knox do this on his own, even if it kills me.
The only things that have kept me from a breakdown are knowing that he wasn’t scared when I told him I loved him and the fact that he didn’t deny it when I said that I know he loves me. Because at the end of the day, when I think back on our time together, with how much he’s opened up to me and how tender he is, I know he does, even if he hasn’t said it. I don’t doubt that for a second. What I doubt is if it’ll ever be enough.
A while later, my phone chimes, waking me up. My heart races, hoping, praying that it’s him. As I reach over to grab my phone, I realize I must’ve fallen asleep with Knox’s shirt clutched to my chest.
My excitement fades quickly when I see that it’s from Lucy. Feeling much better and I need to get out. I’m meeting Kale at Chris’s band’s show tonight. Please say you’ll come over and help me find something to wear and then go with me. I’ll love you forever.
The idea of getting out actually sounds pretty nice, and I know I can’t keep moping around Dad’s. Walking out of my bedroom, I head down the hall
to where he and Olivia are watching football.
“I’m going to go out with Lucy and probably stay at her place for the night. That is, as long as you don’t need me?” A look passes between them before Olivia gets up from the couch, saying something about needing to start dinner.
“Come here, Charlie,” Dad requests, patting the spot on the couch next to him. Sitting down next to him, I watch as he lowers the volume of the television and then turns to me. “Don’t get me wrong, honey. I love having you here, even if you women are trying to drive me nuts. But there’s no reason you need to spend all your non-working moments hovering over me. What’s really going on? Did something happen with Knox?”
“We had a misunderstanding. It’s not a big deal. We’re just trying to figure some things out.”
“I hope it works out. I like him for you, and I like seeing how happy he makes you. And I know I probably shouldn’t say this, but he told Olivia that things were getting serious. I hate to see any kind of misunderstanding change that for you.”
Wait. What? “He told her that? When? Any time we’ve talked about the future, he’d never give me a real answer, so that’s kind of news to me.”
Dad grimaces. “Dammit, I knew I should’ve kept my mouth shut. Don’t tell him—or her for that matter—that I told you. But I guess he told her that first morning when he went to get coffee so we could have some time together.”
My heart sinks, realizing what that means. He must’ve just come from telling Olivia that, and then he got shell-shocked when he saw me with Drew. Putting it all together, I begin to realize how Knox could’ve been so confused. I told him I loved him. Then he did what he always does—he anticipated my needs by giving me alone time with my Dad. And I rewarded him by kissing Drew like I didn’t care who saw. It was completely harmless, but for the first time, I’m really seeing it through Knox’s perspective. While I wish he’d have talked to me about it, I can suddenly see why he was so upset.