Dare to Live

by S. B. Alexander

  “Your mom talked mostly about how scared she was of leaving you and your brother behind, which is understandable for anyone who knows that death is imminent.”

  I blinked away tears, thinking of one of the last conversations Lowell and I had had with Mom. She’d smiled weakly at both of us as she held our hands and said, “I will miss you both terribly, but know that no matter what you do, I will be with you in spirit.”

  I took in a long breath, listening to the birds sing. “I miss you, Mom,” I said quietly.

  The farther around the lake we hiked, the denser the trees became, creating a canopy above us.

  Mr. Maxwell stopped to allow me to go ahead of him on the narrow part of the path until we reached a clearing on the other side of the lake.

  “Let’s sit over here.” He ushered me to a set of lawn chairs and a large stone, which had the initials KM etched on the rock. Beneath the letters were five hearts.

  I dropped down on a flowered, cushioned chair. “Is this a memorial of some sort?”

  Mr. Maxwell slid into the other chair across from me. “My daughter, Karen. She died at a young age from a gunshot wound. When we moved here from Texas, the boys wanted to build her a memorial.”

  The death of a loved one was always heartbreaking, but to see a child die was even more so. As a nurse, I’d witnessed several scenarios in which children had lost their life suddenly while in the hospital, and my heart had broken each and every time. I couldn’t imagine how I would’ve felt if any of those children had been my own.

  I wiped my dripping nose. “What do the hearts mean?”

  Proudness replaced the sadness in Mr. Maxwell’s honey-colored eyes. “Karen loved hearts. She was a firm believer that the heart knew everything. She would always tell her brothers how a beating heart was the mystery behind a person. So the boys had five hearts engraved to represent one for each sibling.”

  My hand went to my chest. This family was amazing, heartwarming, loving, and so unlike any family I’d ever met. I was beginning to understand Kody and the anguish that lurked inside him. Lowell and I had had a difficult time when our mom died. But to lose a sister and a girlfriend had to be extremely painful.

  “Dr. Maxwell, you know my mom died of breast cancer, and I’m not sure she told you, but my grandmother did as well. The deadly disease runs in my family.”

  He jerked his head up, his pensive gaze roaming over my face. “Please don’t tell me you have breast cancer too.”

  I fidgeted with my fingers. “I don’t.” I’d been checking my breasts every chance I had. Actually, I’d been doing that since my mom’s funeral. “Recently, I’ve had my DNA tested for the breast cancer gene, and the results show that I do carry the mutated BRCA1 gene, which means I have a very strong chance of developing breast cancer at some point in the future.” Saying all that out loud to someone other than Roxanne made me shiver, and not in a good way. I would’ve thought that the more I acknowledged it, the more relieved I would have felt.

  Mr. Maxwell pinched his chin between his fingers as he regarded me. As a psychiatrist, he must hear all kinds of problems and stories. I often thought about trying my hand at psychiatry since I listened to patients’ problems as I took care of them after their surgeries.

  “My best friend is the only person who knows. She hasn’t come out and said that I should have the surgery, not in so many words, anyway.”

  “Does your brother know?” he asked.

  “I’m not ready to tell Lowell. If he stressed out about our finances, then he would definitely not handle my news well. At least not right now.” If I knew my brother, he would encourage me to have the surgery for the simple fact that he wouldn’t want me to end up like our mom and grandmother.

  The handsome doctor sat back in the chair, looking at the lake. “It’s a big decision.”

  “Dr. Maxwell—”

  “Please, call me Martin. I feel like you’re part of the family already.”

  In some weird way, I did too. “Martin, I’m only twenty-five. I want to find that special someone, and I’m afraid that no man will want me when he realizes that I don’t have breasts. Not only that, I’m afraid I might not feel like a complete woman. Then the surgery is expensive and is not covered by insurance. On one hand, if I decide not to have the surgery or wait a few years before I do, then I would be a basket case every day, always wondering when I’m going to find a lump. I just don’t know how to come to terms with all this.”

  He crossed one leg over the other. “I can’t tell you what to do. But let’s start with your first concern about men and their fixation with breasts.”

  Heat flushed through my cheeks. It felt odd to be talking to a man about my breasts, and to the dad of the guy I was attracted to. But I was also intrigued about what his thoughts were on the topic. After all, he was a doctor.

  “A woman is so much more than her breasts. The right man will know that your beauty inside is more important than what is on the outside. It wouldn’t matter to me if my wife had had her breasts removed when I met her because what I saw and what attracted me to her was the way she carried herself, her blue eyes, her smile, and the way she played with her hair. Those are the subtleties that are more attractive to some men. Honestly, if a man only sees you for your breasts, then that isn’t the man you should be with.”

  I could count on one hand how many men I had dated for a brief time, and I couldn’t say any of them were drawn to my inner beauty. At least, they hadn’t said anything of the sort to me. Then again, the guys I’d dated hadn’t lasted long, mainly because I’d broken off the relationships with them before we’d gotten serious. Besides, my mom had needed me. As far as Mack, he and I had only had one night together. Not to mention, all he’d ever said to me was that he loved my curves.

  Rising, Mr. Maxwell held out his hand. “Let’s walk back before the sun sets. I didn’t think to bring a flashlight.”

  On our way back, we continued our conversation.

  “Jessie, I understand the statistics with the breast cancer gene,” he said. “The numbers can be quite alarming. The one thing you have going for you is knowledge. Some women in your predicament would not want to know or ignore the stats. I’m not saying that it’s a given that you would develop breast cancer. In fact, no one can predict that. The numbers are there to draw awareness. What I’m trying to say is do your homework. Don’t rush into this. When the time is right, you’ll know what to do.” He sounded so confident.

  I wished I were that hopeful. “I’ve spoken to a genetic counselor. She gave me the name of a client who I can speak to who’s been in the same situation as me.”

  “A great step,” he said as we drew closer to the boathouse. “I want you to also think about discussing your situation with your brother. Family is so important. I can’t stress that enough. You don’t want to shut him out. He’ll only resent you. You also don’t want to treat him like he’s a child. Give him a chance to help you through this.”

  Kody was sitting on the top step of his deck. When he grinned in our direction, butterflies took flight inside me.

  “I want to have a little more information before I tell Lowell,” I said, not taking my eyes off of Kody.

  Mr. Maxwell checked his watch. “Understandable. But don’t wait too long. He might have some great insight.”

  Or he might end up in the hospital again. At that moment, I couldn’t risk his health.

  We stopped at the foot of the boathouse steps.

  “I need to run,” Mr. Maxwell said to me before turning to Kody. “Son, your mom and I are going to dinner. There should be leftovers in the fridge.”

  “I’ll be fine, Dad,” Kody said.

  Mr. Maxwell touched my arm. “I’ll see you on Sunday for dinner.” Then he sauntered up toward his house.

  Suddenly, I felt awkward, or maybe I was feeling the butterflies swarming around in my stomach from the seductive way Kody’s gaze was caressing me in all the right places.

  “How’s Lowel
l?” Kody asked.

  I interlocked my fingers, or I would have been biting my nails, and I didn’t usually chew my nails. “I wanted to thank you for being at my side today.”

  “Donovan didn’t like it.” Disgust colored his tone.

  “Is that why you held me the entire time Mack was there? Did you want to piss him off?” A lump formed in my throat. I prayed he wasn’t using me to get under Mack’s skin.

  The fury in his glare could have nailed me to the tree not far behind me. “Is that what you think?”

  My body tensed. The man was a seesaw of emotions. Still, I didn’t know what to think anymore. “Maybe you and Mack should talk and clear the past. Maybe then you might not be Jekyll and Hyde.”

  That rage pouring off him built as though a dark, swirling cloud had suddenly appeared over him. He narrowed his eyes into slits. He opened his mouth to speak then closed it as he disappeared into his boathouse.

  That went well. I rubbed my temples as I headed for my car. I didn’t have the energy to deal with moodiness from anyone. But as I climbed the short incline toward the garage, I decided that I had to know one way or the other if his loving display with me earlier that day had mainly been to infuriate Mack.

  I stomped back down to the boathouse, climbed the stairs, and knocked. “Kody?”

  The door swung open. “I don’t want to talk about Donovan.”

  I crossed the threshold even though he hadn’t invited me in. We were going to get Mack off the table once and for all. If I was attending Sunday dinner with the Maxwells, I didn’t want Kody snarling or brooding over Mack, although I was associated with Mack, which meant that Kody probably didn’t want anything to do with me. Up until Lowell was rushed to the hospital, I hadn’t exactly wanted to get involved with any man. But Kody had made me feel safe, and I wanted more of that feeling, of his arms around me, of him being at my side during a difficult time.

  “So why did you hold me like you did when we were at the hospital?” If he so much as said he did it to get under Mack’s skin, I was ready to kick him in the shins.

  His jaw flexed. “My reasons have nothing to do with Donovan. In fact, I could give a fuck about the man.” His clipped tone gave me no reason not to believe he was telling me his true feelings.

  I crossed my arms over my chest. “Am I the reason for your moodiness?”

  He snickered, the raspy sound driving my nipples to stand at attention.

  “If you must know, from the moment I laid eyes on you, I’ve been dying to touch you.”

  My pulse began to ram against my skin. “What about your girlfriend?”

  He gave me a wry grin. “Ms. Sharp isn’t my girlfriend. We have slept together, but she and I had an arrangement that we wouldn’t bring feelings into our relationship. It’s over now, though.”

  He was confirming my stereotype of men only seeing women for their bodies. “So it was all sex?”

  He sized me up from head to toe, mistaking my high-pitched tone. “You sound shocked.”

  In reality, I was disappointed. Mr. Maxwell had explained how some men saw through the physical attributes of a woman. Kody didn’t fall into that category.

  “How can two people in a relationship have sex and not develop feelings for each other?” Sure, I’d had a one-nighter with Mack and other men, but not a relationship.

  Kody closed the mere two inches of distance between us. “Anything is possible, Jess.” He cupped one side of my face. “Has anyone told you how fucking beautiful you are?”

  I lowered my gaze to my sandals as heat pinched my cheeks.

  He lifted my chin up. “Don’t look away.”

  “Kody, I’m not the girl for you.” Liar.

  “You’re right. You’re not.” His tone was emphatic.

  Whoa! That cliché that the truth would set me free was all wrong. Instead, it felt as though he had punched me in the belly.

  “You take risks,” he said. “I don’t. You ride motorcycles. I despise motorcycles. The only thing we have in common is music.”

  I rolled my eyes at his last statement. “I’m not singing.”

  “You will,” he said as sure as the sun set each day.

  I swallowed, the sound splitting the air in the room. “Why are you so certain of that?”

  “Because once I take you to bed, you’ll do anything I ask.”

  Heat ribboned through me. I couldn’t decipher if that heat was laced in annoyance at how freaking confident he was or if it was because I wanted to feel his tongue caressing my body in places I hadn’t felt in a long time. “Is that your pickup line? Did you use that line on Ms. Sharp?”

  He leaned in until his lips were at my ear. “Do you want me to show you how I picked up Ms. Sharp?”

  I should have pushed him away. Going down that path would only lead to one of us getting hurt. I couldn’t, though. One, I was curious. Two, I would have given anything to feel him on me and in me. Three, one glorious night with him wouldn’t hurt. “Why not?”

  He levered back, studying me for a long second. “Are you sure? I don’t want to get kicked in the groin.”

  I giggled. “Unless you plan on physically hurting me, then you don’t have anything to worry about.”

  “Baby doll, I would never hurt you.” He swept my hair from my shoulders. “Again, there’s no turning back. So I need to hear a yes or a no.”

  “Yes.” I barely got out the word as I squeezed my thighs together.

  He nipped at my ear. “Good answer.” Then he licked his way down the column of my neck.

  Holy hell. Fire erupted all over my body as an inferno settled between my legs.

  He gently drew me to him as he continued his assault on my neck, sucking, licking, tasting. “I want you so badly.”

  His raspy voice, the need in his tone, and his hard-as-rock body pressing against me made me dizzy with lust. After one night with him, I wasn’t sure I would have the willpower to leave my feelings at the door.

  But you’ve had sex with other men and walked away.

  I didn’t have as strong of an attraction to them as I did with Kody. I didn’t get all flustered and giddy with other men as I did with Kody. They hadn’t made me feel safe like Kody.

  “Baby doll.” Kody’s lips were feathering over mine. “You’re thinking too much. Let your body feel. Let me take you to a place where it’s just you and me and no one else. One night. No strings.”

  I licked my lips. “Is that part of your pickup line too?”

  His fingers danced down the side of my face. “Not at all. I can see the wheels turning in your head. What are you afraid of?”

  Falling for you so hard and being afraid that when you find out I could lose my breasts, you may not want me. Or you could decide that it’s not worth dealing with Mack being around. Or you might not want me because I ride motorcycles.

  “I should go.” I hurried to the door.

  “I’m afraid too,” Kody said at my back. “Let’s be afraid together.”

  With my hand on the knob, I shook my head. The desperation in his tone wasn’t making my decision easy. The voice in my head was telling me to walk out, but my body wasn’t obeying. My heart wasn’t, either. One night. One time. I knew that what I was about to do would change my life forever. Good or bad, I wasn’t sure.

  I spun around and threw myself at Kody.

  Chapter 13

  Kody

  I carried Jessie to bed, thanking heaven above that she hadn’t walked out. I would have wagered that she would have bolted so fast, I wouldn’t have been able to catch her. I was just as frightened as she was. She wasn’t Ms. Sharp. A platonic or friends-with-benefits relationship wouldn’t work for Jessie, which meant she would want more than I was ready to give.

  I was terrified that I would fall head over heels in love with her, then wham! God would take her from me. But the electricity that connected us overpowered my fear so strongly that at any moment, thunder would boom around us, shattering any resolve I had to not open my h
eart, which I’d locked up so long ago. I had to taste, to dip my toe in the water and explore what was happening inside me when she was around.

  The moment I’d seen her in the hospital cafeteria, I knew she would tempt me beyond what I was ready for. As she clung to me—soft, delicate, yet strong—she calmed that edge that idled just under my skin and gave me the sense that everything was right in the world, that everything would be okay. I prayed as I eased her down on the comforter that the universe wouldn’t fuck with me and that what we were about to do wouldn’t shatter my heart. I knew better. My heart always got snipped into a million pieces. Yet I was willing to take that chance… at least for tonight.

  Dare to live. Those three little words that Ms. Sharp had thrown out had been on repeat in my head. So I was going to do just that with Jessie.

  When I shucked my T-shirt, her chocolate eyes sucked me in and grew wide as she raked her languid gaze over me, licking her lips. My pulse fired on all cylinders, sending the pistons south, causing my dick to throb for freedom, even more so when I mapped my gaze over her plump lips that I itched to taste.

  But before I started down a road of pure pleasure, I locked my door. My parents usually knocked, but with Murphy’s Law, I was better off safe than sorry. After the lock clicked in place, I turned and lost my fucking breath. Jessie had stripped bare with the exception of her black lace bra and panties.

  I clenched my teeth, silently shouting at my dick to take it down a notch. But my efforts were useless when the swell of her large breasts was calling my name. I swallowed thickly. Maybe she and I weren’t a good idea for the simple fact that I would devour her, and I wasn’t sure she was ready for me. Hell, I wasn’t sure I was ready for her.

  She waved. “Kody, are you okay?”

  Her satiny voice kicked me into gear. I crawled up on the bed and began kissing her toned abs before licking my way up to her cleavage. She dropped her head back as she lifted her chest. I wanted to take my time, enjoy the softness of her skin, and memorize every detail so I could replay our time together later. But her purrs were energizing. Her hands all over my body were electrifying, begging me to hurry the fuck up.