I gasped, “Sebastian,” and that word ignited him. A desire that I didn’t even know was possible between two souls erupted. A few beats later, there was nothing between us but the night itself and we still weren’t close enough to satisfy either of us.
Every touch of his hands, every movement of his body left me yearning for more, to get closer. Dead or not, I’d never felt more alive.
For the first time ever, sweat glistened across my body. I was on fire. It felt so good to be on fire, not to be paralyzed by the cold, to be touched…it was almost painful, but it was a good pain, a pain I would yearn for a thousand times over.
This war of control, to see who could make who sigh and moan and how we could do just that, went on for an eternity, long enough for the fire beside us to dwindle to nothing.
Exhausted, we laid in each other’s arms. My fingertips traced every muscle across his firm chest as his long fingertips outlined the tattoo on my arm, my seven flowers, my seven devils.
A glance from him caused the fire next to us to come to life again, and the blanket across the back of the couch to wrap around us.
He rolled to his side, pulling my body against his, wanting to feel my skin against him.
A blush that made no sense for me to have came across my skin. “I’ve never felt warmth before,” I whispered.
An aching echoed in his gray eyes. “Yes, you have,” he promised, stealing a slow, tender kiss.
“We’ve made this worse, haven’t we?” I asked timidly. After what we’d shared, it would be impossible for either of us to deny a wish, a plea from the other, but neither of us wanted the same thing. I wasn’t prepared to die, and he wasn’t prepared to save me.
He pulled my leg across him and wrapped his long arm around my waist, holding me against him as tightly as he could. “Tell me you trust me.”
I raised my fingertips to trace his dominant profile. “I’ve had to learn to trust myself.”
“What happened after I left? How did you get here?”
That was a loaded question. Twin realities. Those two words were in my memories. They are side-by-side, one light and one dark. I knew there was a divide, one we called The Fall. I knew that The Fall was what our people were trying to close, that souls were moving through it; damaged, tattered souls. Bringing darkness to light. And now, apparently, according to Phoenix I’d moved this home to the dark side. I shivered as I remembered the last scene I witnessed in the North Wing, that awful howling noise coming from the dome room, the purple fire.
“I don’t know…flames. I know there were flames,” I said as I pulled him a little closer.
“Nothing in this house has shown you that time—the details of it?”
“I tend to avoid memories that are painful.”
“You never looked for me?” he asked with a tremble of jealousy in his tone.
“I looked for two beats.”
His jaw clenched with suspicion. “How many beats did Mason give you? Wilder, and the other one, Gavin?”
His hand settled above my heart. Whatever jealousy he was considering feeling faded when he felt the thunder of my heart through my skin.
Truth be told, Gavin never made my heart race at all. Wilder did a time or two, but only when he was angry, and I definitely never went this far with him. Mason was the only one that came close, and I can’t even explain why. Maybe it was because he lived on the edge of life but never intended to...maybe it was because he was just as playful as he was dominant and the shift in his composure always caught me off guard.
“Only one boy has given me two beats. I’ve only really felt his touch…” Pain filled his eyes. “And sadly, I never knew him when I was alive.” Relief took over the fire in his gaze.
“You’re going to have to let go,” he said as his hand reached to caress my bottom lip. “She knows who you are now. She will throw everything she has at you.”
“That’s nothing new.”
“This is a different plane.”
“Same game, though. I feel more vindicated fighting over souls than I ever did fighting over money.”
“I’ll find them, I’ll set them free…let go,” he pleaded.
“You want me to die in your arms? For you to pop in, have your way with me—then send me to the grave?” I all but yelled as I sat up and started violently pulling my clothes on. “Think again. You left before, and I survived. I’ll survive again. Go fight whatever war you’re fighting. Go run with whatever circle you and Skylynn are in. Let me be.”
I was dressed and standing by the time I finished my rant. In a beat, he was, too.
“What is it with this rage?” he asked, reaching for my waist, stopping me from gathering my key and continuing my hunt to find the lock it went to. He knew just as well as I did that the mood swings I was fighting were way out of character. “What happened when I left?”
I pushed away from him. “I don’t remember that part. I can’t get past you leaving in the first place. And I would appreciate it if you would quit trying to create another sad goodbye. Let me be.”
He tensed. “That is what you see? In your mind right now. Me walking away from you?”
“No, only when you look at me like it’s the last time you are going to see me. Sebastian—Phoenix, I have a responsibility to stop this woman. I am owed vengeance. I do not need a knight in shining armor to deliver that for me.”
“Genevieve, you are not an angry soul. Stubborn, but not angry. Do not give her the victory of allowing you to turn into a vengeful soul.”
He acted as if that were the only option. As if what Skylynn proposed, him turning me into whatever he was, was not an option. That hurt. That sliced me in two. Why was he so set on walking me to the grave?
“You lived next to this demon most of your life, you survived, you won. I’ll finish it for you.”
“Newsflash: I didn’t survive her.”
“Why will you not let me do this for you?” he bellowed.
“Because you are not the one that promised my grandmother that you would set her son free, get that woman out of our house, I did. That was me. And don’t say it doesn’t matter because I was dead. We were both dead when that promise was made. She knew I was gone and still asked for that vow. I’ve never passed the buck in my life, and I’m not about to start now.”
“Pick a war, Love. One second you want to freeze her, the next you’re unlocking something. Now, now you want her out and to set some uncle free—an uncle you lost long ago.”
“I didn’t know I lost him. I thought he was whipped. I want all of the above. You cleared up the confusion, that key unlocks trapped souls—my uncle is one of those—and if Rasure is dead, then she is out of my house.” I reached down and grabbed the key. “I’m fine. You can go do whatever the hell it is you have to do. My brother Ben is not going to let them pull the plug on me. He will buy me the time I need to figure this out.”
I was in his arms before the next beat of my heart. “How many times do you think you can crash into that lake, live this day over and over? How many times can your friends withstand that? It will break you. Tear your mind into shreds. You’ll forget your ambitions, only to remember them again and twist and twist in this vicious cycle.”
I glanced at the floor to the spot we’d lost ourselves in for hours, to where I felt warmth for the first time. A vague smile played at the corners of my mouth. “You’re telling me that I will relive this day over and over, these last few hours.” My eyes rose to meet his. “I’d dive in that lake a million times over if it lands me here, and in-between those points, I’ll figure this out.”
He cupped my face with his strong hands. “Why do you have to make this so hard on me? It’s bad enough that I found you, only to lose you again.”
I reached for his hands. “I’m not the one who left, then. I’m not going to leave now. You make whatever choice you feel like you have to.”
“You’re not playing with me? You really do remember me?” he questioned.
&nb
sp; “What kind of girl do you think I am? Do you think I would have even let you kiss my hand if I didn’t have memories of you?” I nodded to the floor. “Do you think I would let the walls I’ve always hid behind down for just anyone?”
He let his hands fall from my face and brushed his fingers through his hair as he clenched his jaw.
“Why does that make you mad?” I asked, feeling rejected, embarrassed that I’d revealed so much to him.
He let his arms fall and gazed at me. “When I found you, my plan was to ease your transition into death. It was going to be painstaking for me because I remember every breath, every poetic movement of your body…but it was supposed to be nothing for you. I would stand by your side through the cycle of your last moments, then walk you to death, send you safely on your way. You weren’t supposed to feel the pain I feel.”
I reached for his hand. “I don’t understand what war you’re fighting, but I know it has to be important, that you would have never left us if it wasn’t. Fight it. Leave me be…maybe one day we’ll both win.”
His painful stare dove into my soul. “When I left you before, it was not for the war I’m fighting today. When I returned, our home was burning. I could see you in the fire, hear you call my name. When I ran into that fire, you were not there and I became what I am today. The war I fight now was weaved from that point, every spell, every plot, every deal made with the devil had one underlying purpose: for me to find you.” He moved closer to me. “When Skylynn handed me that scarf, I felt alive again—whole. I knew that you were real, not some distant dream that I’d fabricated to give me peace. That moment was shattered when she told me you were in the veil, when I realized I was too late once again.”
“Better late than never,” I said gently. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to die, and I plan to avoid the aftermath at every cost.”
“You don’t how dangerous that is.”
I swallowed nervously. “I’m scared, Sebastian. I don’t want to die, and fighting Rasure gives me an excuse, a reason to hold on.”
“She’s the only reason you want to hold on?” he asked as anger and jealousy masked his flawless image.
I knew what he was looking for: a declaration of love, for me to tell him that I didn’t want to leave him now that I’d found him, that I couldn’t bear it…but I’d never told anyone I loved them in this life, never begged anyone to stay with me. I didn’t know how, and I was too scared to try.
I clutched the key in my hand and turned to inspect the clock on the mantle, but as I reached for it everything around me shifted and changed.
Chapter Ten
I was standing behind the bookcase that led to my room. My insides fell into a thousand pieces…I’d expected Phoenix to appear in front of me and demand that I tell him what I was too scared to say, demand it the way Mason, Wilder and Gavin had—only this time, I would be able to say such things. This anger—this quick switch in my emotions was scaring me. I’m sure it was scaring Phoenix, too. As he held me, he solidified those memories in the North Wing. I knew in the life we lived together I was the calm one. He was the one that lived on the edge, which was more than likely why he was doubting if all of me was still here. At this point, I even doubted it.
When he didn’t appear, my breath turned to fog. I felt cold and confused. I slid down the wall, holding my legs to my body, and squeezed my eyes closed as layers of ice began to appear around me. I was standing between the life I had as Phoenix’s Genevieve and the Indie I was in this life, and right now I had no idea what I was fighting for. I just knew I didn’t—I couldn’t let go.
I couldn’t figure out how one second I was living a very routine life firmly grounded in reality with nothing more than a few odd flaws and family drama to deal with, and the next I was aware of evil. I was aware of a cosmic war of light and darkness, a past that wasn’t even in this reality. Before my death, I was blind. As I perished on the lakeshore, my eyes were opened only to find myself in the hell of darkness. In the nest of a woman who bore darkness, who in some way, if only by association, had taken Phoenix away so long ago, and in this young life my family.
Rage started to boil in my soul once more. I couldn’t let her get away with this. No matter what it cost me. I could not let her bring this much pain and grief to yet another soul.
I clenched my wrist, the mark Phoenix had put on me of that small falcon in flight. The ice began to vanish, and I found the strength to push my rage away. I stood and shoved the bookcase forward, prepared to go back to the library and find the lock this key went to.
In my room, I found the guys. Gavin was leaning against my bed and had his laptop open and his tablet at his side. Wilder was pacing the floor, and Mason was reading whatever was on Gavin’s screen as he lay across the bed and peered over Gavin’s shoulder. Cadence was nowhere in sight.
I glanced back to the dark passageway. I felt like I was waking up from a dream. My life as Indie was only a few steps away, but my past was calling me home.
“Indie?” Gavin said carefully.
I raked my fingers through my short blonde hair before turning to face him. I had a fear I was going to have to break it to all of them, to Mason for the second time, that we were dead. Phoenix was right. I wasn’t going to be able to handle this cycle.
I turned to see all of them staring at me with wide eyes.
The room began to freeze over. Unconsciously, I reached for the falcon that was now on my wrist. Warmth came then, not only to me, but also to the room.
“Death looks good on you,” Wilder said with an odd disdain as the scent of lilies he always carried seemed to hover over me.
I furrowed my brow. “You know?” I whispered.
He nodded once.
“Why are you guys looking at me like that?” I asked timidly, unable to handle all of their attention at once.
“We’ve never seen you blush…you look more alive in death than you ever did before,” Mason said with a curious smirk. He was the one that could always read me like a book. In truth, he knew me better than all of them combined.
His words made me blush even more as the thought of Phoenix came to mind. “Where’s Cadence?”
They all looked at each other, agreeing not to answer me. “Did…did she move on?” I asked as tears encased my throat. I assumed that Mason had told them what happened to us, that they knew we were barely holding on to life at this moment.
“She’s at school, or at least trying to go,” Gavin answered in a nonchalant way.
“She knows we’re dead, and she went to school?”
“We didn’t tell her,” Gavin said, focusing on what he was reading. By his obvious lack of concern, I could tell he was furious with her.
I glanced at Mason, and he quickly looked away.
“She deserves to know…even if you guys are mad at her,” I mumbled.
Gavin smirked. “We figured it out on our own. Why can’t she?”
“Mason didn’t tell you?” I countered, glancing between Gavin and Wilder.
“I knew at the bar. That’s why I sent Paula away, hoping we wouldn’t crash this time.”
“Is that your girl’s name?” I said with a sneer. “I disapprove. Her diet has me bothered.” I could not get the images of her sucking the energy out of us on that bank out of my head.
That snide remark made Mason and Gavin grin.
“I was well aware of her diet long before that night,” Wilder assured me.
“What? You knew?”
He crossed his arms and let his steel blue eyes fall onto me. “Gavin emailed me. I headed back here, she followed.” Wilder’s eyes echoed a desire that had never been this intense before. “I thought you knew I was seeing her.”
“How would I know? You didn’t say.”
“Cadence set us up, told me this girl had been at a few charity events here and was new in the town I was in.” He let his stare linger for a second before he spoke again. “Cadence even sent a few emails, making sure we were getting along
okay.”
If I didn’t know any better, I would swear he was trying to make me mad. But I wasn’t going there with him.
“I’m sure I forgot she told me.”
His eyes slowly raked over me. I couldn’t figure out what emotion was hiding behind them, what he was trying to say without a word. All I knew was that I felt a burning guilt when I stared at him. He was dead because of me. They all were dead because of me.
“I suppose death can mess with your head, make you forget things, even create things. Feels like a dream to me.” Wilder focused his eyes. “We need to hold on to each other and not let illusions convince us that something beyond death is happening here.” He crossed his arms. “I don’t think you going off and hiding behind a locked library door is a wise thing to do alone.”
Coded conversation, which was typical for Wilder and me. He had a way of making random remarks that would call out what my mind was struggling with. Right now, he was telling me that because we were dead my mind had fabricated Skylynn and Phoenix and I needed to steer clear of anything that wasn’t firmly grounded in my reality or mind before I died.
“I’ve never been alone, Wilder. Not once.” I heard the ice cracking as it formed against the walls. “I’m lucid and determined in this dream of death. I’m not hiding from anyone or anything.”
“Lucid enough to make you blush,” Wilder said as he raised his brow. “Your mind is creating a life you wanted but never had. Maybe you should ask yourself what is fueling the illusions you are seeing. Maybe the real deal has been in front of you the whole time and you were just too preoccupied to notice.”
This is what happens when you do not resolve arguments, when you act as if they never happened. I’d always acted like our last fight never happened and let a few text messages hold on to the friendship I thought we could have. I felt a repelling sensation in my gut. I wanted away from him, and I hate to say it, but I regretted letting him get as close to me as I did. I knew it would never work, but I pretended it could for far too long. I suppose it was because I knew he was holding back, too, and I wanted to know for sure what I was throwing away before I did.
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