Chapter 14
Aubrey
It’s still the middle of the night and eerily quiet when we pull up to the hospital. Daws throws his keys at the valet and grabs my hand as we race inside. I can tell he is scared. It’s humbling for me to see this man, who normally exudes nothing but sheer confidence, rattled.
“I’m looking for Draygon Matthews,” he says to the receptionist sitting at the front desk. She’s on the phone and motions for him to give her a second. Daws is irritated by this. I hear a rowdy roar of men and grab Daws’ hand, stopping him from yelling at the poor woman behind the counter. Hairs prickle at the back of my neck and I get the oddest sensation that I’m being watched. I look around the E.R. waiting room. Nothing looks off. It’s filled with a few families and a couple screaming kids, but nothing unusual.
“C’mon, I think they are over here,” I say, pulling Daws towards the noise. We turn a corner and Mickey, Jules, Jarrod and Michael are standing in the hallway bullshitting and laughing. Not the type of reaction you would expect from the guys if it was bad so I’m guessing it’s not. Daws relaxes, just a little as we approach.
“What’s going on? Where’s Dray?” Daws asks.
The men look up as if just now noticing us.
“Aw sorry, Daws. Drays doing okay. They shot him full of some drugs and gave him a shock to regulate his heartbeat. We’re laughing ‘cause he got pissed and started creating a scene when he saw the hospital gown and the male nurse behind him trying to tie the back of it,” Jules says.
“Where is he?” Daws asks again, his body language is a calming down a little.
“They wheeled him down for some test. I understand now why I couldn’t get a hold of ye. We’ll be having words about that,” Mickey says to Daws, looking me over.
I can tell that he’s concerned for me, but I made the decision to be with Daws and I need to squash that right now. “Mickey, no need to protect me from Daws. I know who he is and I’m with him.”
He looks between us, “You’re together, huh?”
“Damn right we are,” Daws says pulling me close to him and looking at me with pride for sticking up for us in front of his brothers.
A round nurse wearing floral print scrubs approaches us. Her hair is graying at the temples. “Would you guys mind waiting in the family room? His test may take a little while.”
We follow her into a room a few doors down with plenty of chairs for us to wait. The room is large and chairs line the walls. A vending machine stands off to the side and a coffee pot sits on the counter next to that. A Hispanic family is huddled together in one corner of the room looking lost in grief. An older woman sits alone in the other corner, mumbling something under her breath, moving a rosary through her fingers. A television is perched in the corner of the ceiling masking out some of the noise from upset families. The men sit down looking uncomfortable, and I realize that their joking in the hallway was masking the terror they all feel at the idea of something happening to Dray.
“You want some coffee?” I ask Daws, trying to do something to be helpful.
“Yeah, that’d be good.” He releases my hand and asks the guys, “Anyone get a hold of my mom?”
I hear Mickey start to explain how she can’t get a flight back for a few more hours, so she is trying to get a train out of New York. I start a fresh pot of coffee and I stand back observing the men. Sure, they look intimidating at first glance in their leather vests with their Devil’s Crusaders insignia and patches over the front, but you can see the bond these men share. They are all clearly shaken at the idea of anything happening to Dray and they’re being supportive of Daws.
A doctor walks in with blood on his blue scrubs. The room grows quiet as the doctor approaches the old woman. He kneels in front of her and delivers the news. You can tell it’s bad. “Can I call someone for you?” I hear the doctor say and the woman just continues to play with her rosary. She stops praying and silent tears run down her cheek. The doctor walks out of the room leaving the woman to deal with the blow that her loved one is gone. Daws makes eye contact with me, and I dart my eyes to the woman to let him know what I’m doing. I sit next to her, not saying anything, just hoping that my presence will bring her comfort. She reaches for my hand and grasps it.
“Will you pray with me?” she asks.
Part of me wants to tell her that God never answered my prayers and if there is a God that he was never there for me. I want to tell her there is evil and bad and that if God wanted to help, he would’ve. But then, I see Daws watching me, and for a second I think that maybe if there is a God he brought him to me. So, I pray with the woman. We’re quiet and sit for a long time, maybe an hour and then the woman, looks to me, “Thank you,” she whispers and gets up and leaves.
I move back over to Daws and another doctor comes in not looking nearly as distressed as the first doctor. He approaches us and tells us that Dray had a small blockage and they put a stint in, he’s being moved to recovery and we should be able to see him soon. The men all visibly relax and Daws picks up his phone to dial his mom. He leaves a message letting her know that everything is okay. I notice how despondent he seems with her and I make a mental note to ask him about it.
I get up to refill my cup of coffee and I look up at the TV. That’s when it happens. Everything changes. My eyes fixate on the monster staring back at me. The newscaster’s voice pulls me in, “Federal prosecutor Richard McLeary will be speaking in just moments.” The camera zooms in on the man from my nightmares. The man who sodomized me, raped me, beat me and would, no doubt, murder me. The man who is supposed to uphold the law and protect the innocent is really the man who steals the innocence and uses it for his own sick pleasures. Here he is, dressed in a black pressed suit, hair slicked back, his steely eyes boring into mine. It feels like he sees me as he approaches the microphone, even though I know that’s impossible.
“I’m pleased to accept the appointment as Senator for the great state of Virginia. We are all saddened at the loss of Senator Barrington, and I promise to do this state proud. I would like to say thank you to the Governor of Virginia for trusting me with this position. My background working as a Federal Prosecutor will only assist me in making sure we have a just society. Many of you may know that I have been very involved with foster children and firmly believe in strong family values. I am looking for a former foster child of mine who aged out several years ago. Her name is Aubriella. Aubriella, if you see this please know that I am looking for you and would like to continue to help you with your struggles. The work I have done with foster children is a hard road and sometimes the children are very troubled. I believe that in my new position, you will be able to see the hard stance I have with crimes against children. It is my belief that every child should be protected, that includes protecting them from gun violence. That is why as the new Senator of this fine state, I will work on eradicating the illegal sale and distribution of guns from organized crime. I plan to form a coalition between states, New York and Pennsylvania have already committed to…”
I stop listening. My coffee falls from my hands splashing dark liquid all over my jeans. My breathing is fast. I can’t seem to catch my breath. Senator? He’s a frickin’ Senator, now? It feels like my chest is collapsing in on itself and nothing I do can stop it. He’s looking for me. He said it. It was a threat right out in the open. I can’t breathe. My vision clouds over and all I can see is black. A tunnel swallowing me whole circles around me until all I see is darkness.
*
I wake up groggy and not sure what’s going on. My eyes are closed still and I hear voices. I decide to keep them closed to figure out what is going on around me.
“Something is going on with this girl, Daws. Ye need to figure it out.” Based on the slight Irish accent, I’m pretty sure it’s Mickey talking.
“No one is probing into her past. You need to leave it alone,” Daws says.
“Someone needs to. There‘s obviously some bad shit going on with her, if she h
as a panic attack that knocks her out.”
“Aubrey’s fine. I got her. She isn’t your concern, Mick.”
“She’s working right alongside us. Of course, she’s our concern.”
“And I’m going to make her my old lady, so she isn’t your concern,” Daws sounds heated.
“She’s my concern until then, and ye need to figure her shite out,” Mickey says to him.
I don’t want to put Daws in a position with his brothers. I don’t want to be any more trouble than I’ve been. The men stop talking and I hear the hum of a monitor. I realize that there is some type of cuff on my arm that suddenly starts to automatically tighten. Then it dawns on me, I’m in a hospital room. The panic attack. Oh God! Rich was appointed Senator and he’s looking for me. He didn’t say anything about Ari, just me. It means he knows I have her. There was such a threat there. I need to get her. I need to run. What if he’s already found me? No, if he’d found me, I’d be dead. I start to panic again.
“Aubrey? Shh sweet girl. Take a deep breath for me.” Daws is beside me, one hand is stroking my hand and the other is stroking my face. “Mickey, can you go check on my dad and let me know how he’s doing?”
I start to calm down from Daws’ touch. I open my eyes and Daws’ expression looks pained. “You can go see Dray, Daws. It’s okay,” I say, feeling bad that he’s here with me when his dad was brought in.
“Are you kidding me? That old man isn’t going to let a little heart problem get him down. You’ll see. He’ll be raising hell before you know it. Are you okay? I mean, of course you’re not okay, you just had an epic fucking panic attack.”
“I’m so sorry Daws.”
“What? No. Don’t apologize.” He is so close to me. Looking into his eyes, I find that I misjudge. He isn’t scared because of his dad, I scared him.
“I’m okay, Daws.”
“I heard that guy on the TV Aubrey, he said your name. He said your fucking name and then you went into a terrible panic attack. Do you know how long you’ve been out?” I shake my head no. “For nearly two hours. That’s how long. Is this the guy? The one you’re running from?”
I don’t say anything, I don’t want to lie to him, but I don’t want to get him involved and put him in danger as well.
He deadpans at me, “Right. Well then, I’m pretty fucking sure I’m going to have to go after a fucking Senator. What the fuck did he do to you?” Daws looks angry.
Tears fill my eyes, right now, right here, I need to make a decision. Do I trust Daws with my most horrific secrets? Should I tell him? His face softens with the tears that are starting to stream down my face. Looking in his eyes, all I see is love. This man loves me, and I know that I love him, wholeheartedly. Without a shadow of a doubt, I love this man.
“Daws. Come here lay with me.” He lays in the small bed and I curl up onto his lap.
“About what you said to me….You’re in love with me?”
“Yes Aubrey, very in love with you.”
“Daws I…..I’m pretty sure I’m falling in love with you too.”
“Yeah?” he asks stroking the side of my face with his thumb patiently waiting for me to answer his question about what happened to me.
“Yeah, Daws. That’s why I can’t tell you what happened to me. If you love me like I love you, then I know that the thought of anything bad happening to you would make me sick. The things that were done to me are incomprehensible. You can’t know. I don’t want you to look at me differently and I can’t put you through the pain of knowing. But that monster, he holds a lot of power. He’s dangerous. More dangerous than just some regular politician. You can’t go after him.”
“You think I’ll look at you different? I know it’s something bad. Something you’ve been carrying around, something so terrible it’s making you pass out with panic. You can’t keep carrying this burden alone. You. Are. Not. Alone.”
“What do you want, Daws? You want to know how I was just a girl when Rich took me in as a foster child, and I watched my oldest foster sister wither away until she just disappeared? You want to know how that sick bastard waited until I got my period and then he said I was a woman and he raped me? You want to know what it was like getting sodomized by the devil? You want to know what it was like to be starved? Beaten? What it feels like to drown in bleach? Or how about having your ass ripped so badly you can’t walk and then only to have it ripped open again and again as soon as it starts to heal? That’s my damage Daws. That’s what the monster did. Is that what you wanted to know? It’s sick. I hate it. I hate what he did to me. I hate that he’s out there and I’m hiding. But you know what Daws? I got Ari out. I got her out before he hurt her. I couldn't save one of my foster sisters and I couldn’t save myself, but I sure as hell saved Ari and I am never going to let that son of a bitch anywhere near her.” There I laid it out. I’m crying, my chest is heaving. He wanted the ugly. Well, there it is. The whole damn ugly truth of it.
Daws’ body is trembling. He is trying to hold onto me, but I can feel the rage coming off of him. He is shaken. Maybe I went too far. Maybe I should have avoided a few details, but I was worked up, and admittedly there is something freeing about another person knowing my pain.
“That Senator….that man….he did those things to you?”
I nod my head yes.
“I’m going to kill him.”
I want to argue with Daws, to tell him again how dangerous he is, but something tells me that Daws needs to feel his rage. Heck, I need to feel his rage. It feels empowering, having someone get angry on my behalf. Someone loves me, and he cares what’s been done to me. He cares.
*
We lay together for several minutes. I run my hands over his rigid arms trying to calm the anger that is flowing from him. There is a warning knock at the door followed by a young female doctor. Her hair is pulled back into a tight bun and she’s holding a clip board.
“Aubrey, my name is Dr. Ramirez. You gave this young man quite the scare. Your vitals all look good, so we think it was a panic attack. Have you ever had one of these before?” I nod my head letting her know that I have. “Have you ever seen anyone about these episodes?”
“No.”
“As far as panic attacks go, that was as bad as I’ve seen. I’d like to speak to you in private. Would you mind excusing us?” she asks Daws.
“Umm... that would be a no,” he says, completely serious.
“Excuse me?” Doctor Ramirez asks like she’s not sure she heard him correctly.
“Yeah, I’m not leaving her. Period. You think I’m leaving, you’re mistaken.”
“Is this man a threat to you? Is he bothering you? I can have him removed by security.” This doctor is out of control.
“No, he isn’t a threat to me. He’s my...my boyfriend,” I say admitting this out loud and looking at Daws directly in the eye. He smiles at the confirmation of our relationship.
Daws takes control of the conversation, “Aubrey has PTSD, Doc. Some bad shit happened to her that she’s not talking about, unless she wants to. Do you want to talk about it, right now?”
“No, I think I’m all talked out for right now.”
The doctor softens a little. I think she can see that Daws is just looking out for me.
“I would highly suggest that you seek the help from a trained psychologist. PTSD is a serious condition, but you can learn a lot of skills to help you cope before the panic attacks become this debilitating. For the short-term, I want to prescribe you Valium, it’s a Benzodiazepine. If you feel a panic attack coming on, you can take it right away and it should calm the panic. It’s an addictive drug and should only be used if you really need it. In the meantime, please take this card and set up an appointment. Our on-site psychologist can really help.”
Dr. Ramirez leaves after handing me a script and taking the blood pressure monitor off of my arm. I’ve never tried drugs to deal with the panic before, but it might be worth a shot. The idea of getting completely knocked out by fear un
settles me to no end.
“How did you know it was PTSD?” I ask Daws.
“We’ve had some brothers come back from war with panic attacks. It reminds me of you.”
“I guess that’s how I feel, like I’ve been to war. But, I don’t really feel like I’ve returned yet. I feel like I’m still in the trenches waiting for the next bomb to go off.” Daws pulls me close to him and holds me.
We check on Dray, who tells us that he is fine and to not make a fuss. Just as we are leaving, we pass by Daws’ mom.
“Finally made it, huh?” he says sharply to her.
“Daws. I’m here, okay?” She looks nervous under Daws’ glare.
“Whatever,” he mumbles and grabs my hand leading me away from her. It’s obvious that she is a sore spot.
Chapter 15
Aubrey
“Close your eyes,” Daws says securing a bandana over my eyes. “You can’t see anything, right?”
“I can’t see a thing. Care to enlighten me what this is?”
“It’s a surprise, Aub.”
“I love surprises,” Ari says with a whole heaping amount of excitement as she sits next to me in the Charger.
It’s been a few months since Dray had his heart attack and Daws learned the truth about my past. Daws has had to go out of town for “business” as he puts it. We’ve spent a lot of time together, just getting to know one another. He hasn’t asked me again to be his old lady and I’m okay with that. It felt heavy and sudden when he asked me.
He doesn’t like me to be around the clubhouse and with Dray’s heart issues, he has been spending more time at home, which means when we spend time together. We’re always doing something. Today is no exception. Daws picked Ari and me up and we went ice skating on Lake Green. Ari and I have never been before, so there was lots of falling and lots of laughing. It’s been a perfect day and Daws just topped it by saying he has a surprise. I thought it was the hot cocoa that he poured cups of from a thermos when we got back to the car, but instead he put this blindfold on me.
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