War on Whimsy

by Liane Moriarty

  Couldn't XYZ40 have picked a landing spot that wasn't quite so close to a volcano crater? They would have to parachute straight through a fountain of lava.

  "It's going to burn us!" screamed Greta.

  "We're wearing lava screen!" Nicola shouted back. "We'll be fine!" She hoped. Her parachute sank lower and suddenly it was raining fire. Nicola recoiled and shut her eyes as glowing droplets fell onto her skin and dress. But there was no burning sensation. The droplets of molten lava felt as cool as raindrops and slid painlessly off her. She opened her eyes again. Thank goodness for lava screen.

  "Nicola!" said Tyler. "We forgot--" His parachute floated near hers and then floated off again in a gust of wind.

  "What?" Nicola called back.

  She could smell something sizzling. It was like cloth burning. She looked down at her dress. No. It was fine. Tyler's parachute hovered near Nicola's again.

  "We forgot the parachutes!" he cried.

  What did he mean? They had their parachutes!

  Nicola laughed and pointed at Tyler's parachute. "No, we didn't!"

  And then suddenly she understood. Tyler's parachute was dotted with dozens of smoldering holes from the showering lava.

  "We forgot to put lava screen on the parachutes!" cried Tyler.

  CHAPTER 10

  "Nicola! We forgot to--"

  Shimlara plummeted past Nicola, pointing frantically at the burning holes in her own parachute.

  "Yes, I know," Nicola called back. Did they really expect her to come up with a SOLUTION to this disaster?

  Boom!

  The volcano directly below them erupted with a huge explosion that lit up the sky. Nicola gasped as she was completely drenched in lava. She wiped off her face with both hands--imagine if she'd forgotten to lava screen her face!--and looked up at her parachute.

  It was burning; crackling flames were shooting up into the sky.

  There was a whoosh sound and her parachute collapsed inward.

  Someone shouted, "Nicola! We forgot to--"

  But Nicola never heard the rest because suddenly she was falling much too fast toward the planet below.

  Cough!

  Splutter!

  Eeeeuww-cough!

  Nicola spat and spat again, trying desperately to clear her throat of the most horrible taste. She seemed to have swallowed an entire bucket of . . . something disgusting. It had a burned, ashy taste.

  She opened her eyes and the first thing she saw was a huge, furry, gray creature with white teeth looming over her.

  Nicola screamed and backed away.

  "Calm down," said the furry creature. "It's me."

  Nicola blinked.

  It was Shimlara. She was completely covered in some sort of gray, ashy material, so only her eyes and teeth were visible.

  Nicola looked down at herself and realized she was covered in the same stuff. Her dress was ruined. She tugged at the charred remains of her parachute dangling uselessly behind her back.

  "I think we've landed face-first on a mountain of volcanic ash," said Shimlara huskily. "I've got some lodged right at the back of my throat."

  "What about the others?" said Nicola.

  She stood up and her feet sank into the ash as if she were standing on a sandy beach. Another ash-covered figure appeared in the distance, choking and coughing. It was her brother. She could tell by the careless way he was swatting at the ash on his clothes.

  "Over here, Sean!" she called.

  Sean jumped, yelled, and held up his arms in a defensive karate position.

  Nicola giggled. "It's us! Nicola and Shimlara!"

  Sean dropped his arms and called out, "Yeah, yeah, I knew that!"

  He stomped through the ash toward them, and there was a shout of terror as he nearly stepped on Tyler.

  At the same moment, Greta and Katie emerged from the ash, screaming when they saw each other, and then screaming more in response to the other's screams.

  Finally, everybody calmed down and stood in a circle, brushing ash off their clothes and hair, and tearing off the burned remains of their parachutes.

  "How could you have forgotten lava screen for the parachutes?" said Greta to Nicola. "We really need checklists. That's what I'd do if I were the leader. I would have checklists for everything."

  Nicola managed not to say, "Well, why didn't you remember lava screen?" She'd learned that the best way to respond to Greta's criticism was to ignore her. Instead she said, "Oh, look at those giant fans! I was wondering what happens to the ash from the volcanos!"

  She pointed to a row of fans as big as windmills on the side of the volcano. They were efficiently blowing the ash and cinders from the volcanos into the mountain of ash that they'd landed upon.

  "XYZ40 told us about the fans," said Tyler.

  "Did she?" said Nicola. "I don't remember that part."

  "You were thinking about the lava screen and remembering a time you forgot to put sunscreen on at the beach and everybody at school called you tomato face," said Shimlara.

  "Shimlara!" said Nicola, embarrassed. "Why were you reading my mind? That's private! That's so rude!"

  "Sorry." Shimlara looked down and kicked at the ash. "I was just wondering what you were thinking about."

  "You should have been concentrating on XYZ40's briefing, Nicola," said Greta. "I mean if you're thinking about sunburn at such an important time, you really have to ask yourself, are you the right person for the job?"

  "Oh, be quiet, Greta!" snapped Nicola, because the thing about criticism was that it always stung the most when it was true.

  "Well!" said Katie brightly. "What next?"

  "Now we have to get off this mountain of ash," said Sean.

  He ducked as the nearby volcano erupted again, showering them with lava.

  "And maybe we should reapply our lava screen," said Shimlara. "I'm sweating."

  They all were. The heat from the erupting volcanoes was intense. It seemed to suck the air from Nicola's lungs.

  They all pulled out their lava screen tubes from their backpacks and pasted thick layers across their faces.

  Nicola walked over to the edge of the ash mountain. "It's going to take us ages to walk down."

  "I was thinking we could sit on bits of parachute and slide down to the bottom," said Tyler.

  "Good idea! That'll be fun!" Sean examined the remains of his parachute.

  "This mission isn't about fun," said Greta primly. "There is a terrible war goiong on. And we're here to find Shimlara's family."

  "I don't think my family would mind if we have some fun along the way," said Shimlara. "In fact, Dad would encourage it."

  Nicola didn't say anything. She was still recovering from Greta's earlier comment.

  A short time later, they were all sitting on pieces of parachute silk on the edge of the mountain of ash.

  "Last one down is a rotten egg!" said Sean, and he slid off.

  I bet he didn't like it that I was the first one to parachute out of the spaceship, thought Nicola and grinned to herself. As the big brother, he was always supposed to be first.

  "It probably killed him that you jumped first," said Shimlara, who was sitting next to Nicola.

  "Shimlara! You've got to stop reading my mind!" said Nicola.

  "I didn't!" protested Shimlara.

  "Mmmmm," said Nicola distrustfully.

  "Cross my nose," said Shimlara, and carefully drew a little cross over her nose with the tip of her finger.

  "On Earth we say 'cross my heart,'" said Nicola.

  Shimlara giggled. "Really? How funny! Why would you cross your heart?"

  "Why would you cross your nose?"

  But Shimlara had already pushed off the edge, shouting, "Last one down is a rotten Earthling!"

  Nicola watched her go. It was only her and Katie left.

  "Remember how we loved playing on the slide at the park?" said Katie. She and Nicola had known each other ever since they were babies. There was an embarrassing photo at Katie's house o
f the two of them sitting together in a sandbox wearing nothing but diapers.

  "I remember." Nicola grinned.

  "One, two, three!" said Nicola and Katie at the same time, and they slid off.

  A cool breeze blew against Nicola's hot, sweaty face as she slid smoothly down the side of the ash mountain, her legs stuck out in front of her.

  Suddenly all her childhood memories of sliding came back to her in a rush. She could feel that familiar mix of exhilaration and fear. She could see her dad's face at the bottom of the slide, his arms out wide, ready to catch her.

  Except this was the ultimate slide experience. It was faster, longer. She could hear the other members of the Space Brigade crying out silly things like "Whooeeee!"

  Greta would probably be highly disapproving.

  Oh, who cares what Greta thinks?

  Nicola lifted her arms up straight in the air and shouted, "Whoo hoo! "

  CHAPTER 11

  The Space Brigade landed at the bottom of the mountain of ash in a shrieking, breathless tangle of arms and legs. They were all laughing hysterically, almost delirious from the excitement of the slide. Even Greta was giggling.

  "Ahem," said a serious, deep voice.

  Nicola was still chortling as she sat up. Then she abruptly stopped laughing as she looked up at a very tall, very bald man standing in front of them, his hands on his hips, an extremely disapproving, raised-eyebrow, pursed-lip expression on his long, pale face.

  "Lovely day for a stroll," he snapped.

  What an odd thing to say,thought Nicola.

  "Nicola!" hissed Sean. "That's the code phrase!"

  Of course! She'd quite forgotten they were being met by a Globagaskarian secret agent. And now Nicola was supposed to say something back to identify herself. What was it? Finally, it came to her.

  "I do enjoy a piece of pie."

  The man stared at her blankly.

  "Oh, erm, I mean, I do enjoy a piece of rhubarb pie," said Nicola hurriedly. Really! Who came up with these ridiculous code phrases? They didn't even make sense.

  The man dropped his hands from his hips. There was an expression of pure disbelief on his face.

  "I'm Agent JJ-11. So you're the highly trained Space Brigade?" he said.

  "That's us." Nicola felt fraudulent, as if she and her friends were all just pretending to be the Space Brigade.

  JJ-11 looked around him, as if for an audience who could share his consternation. Finally, he gave a resigned shrug. "Well, if you'd like to follow me, I've arranged accommodation for the evening, transport, and fake identities for you."

  The Space Brigade stood up, trying to brush away the ash from their clothes and the leftover smiles from their faces.

  JJ-11 went striding off and they all had to run to keep up with him.

  "Imagine living here," said Katie, as they followed JJ-11 up a steep, winding track around the bottom of the volcano. She gestured at the fiery explosions from the volcanoes and the dark, brooding city in the distance. "It would be like living in a nightmare."

  "In regard to your secret identities," said JJ-11, "I decided the safest thing would be for you to pretend to be a news crew from Earth reporting on the progress of the war. I've set you up with various props--press passes, microphones, notepads, cameras, et cetera. You'll need to appear as authentic as possible. You'll be pleased to hear that I've arranged for some genuine Earthling transportation for you. A wealthy Globagaskarian once picked up this motorized conveyance as a souvenir while vacationing on Earth. It fits perfectly with your identities." He couldn't hide the note of pride in his voice.

  "Must be some sort of jeep," said Tyler quietly.

  They rounded a corner and JJ-11 gestured in front of him at a very, very familiar sight. "Your transportation."

  "Well, how ridiculous!" said Greta.

  Sean snorted.

  "What is it?" said Shimlara uncomprehendingly.

  "It's a bus," said Nicola.

  "It's a school bus," said Greta. "How embarrassing. We're not going to look like traveling journalists. We're going to look like . . . school kids!"

  Nicola refrained from pointing out that they were, in fact, school kids.

  JJ-11 didn't seem to have heard their comments. He was walking alongside the bus, running his hand along the paintwork.

  "It's a strange, wonderful machine," he said. "The engineering is delightfully basic." He turned to look at them. "I assume this is the sort of vehicle Earthling journalists would use?"

  "Erm, possibly," said Nicola. It seemed unlikely that anyone on Volcomania would recognize it as a school bus, and she didn't want to irritate JJ-11 any further.

  "These are the keys," said JJ-11, handing Nicola a set of keys.

  "Thank you," said Nicola.

  "Keys," repeated JJ-11. "That's what they're called. You use them to turn on the vehicle."

  "Yes," said Nicola. "I'm an Earthling. I know."

  "I should think so," snapped JJ-11.

  Goodness. He really was a difficult person.

  "This is where you'll sleep tonight," said JJ-11. He indicated a small stone hut they hadn't noticed while they'd been looking at the bus. "You'll find food and drink inside, and all your props, passports, and clothing."

  "You've done a great job," said Katie to JJ-11. "It must have been a lot of work setting all this up for us."

  JJ-11 looked startled. Suddenly he smiled and his sour face was transformed.

  "Well, yes, it was a lot of work, but that's my job, so I obviously don't begrudge . . . but certainly, yes, it took some time . . . and, ah, I do like to do things properly, but of course any professional does, but, ah . . . !" He clapped his hands together and his smile vanished. "Any questions?"

  "What about scuba diving gear for when we go through the Underground Sea?" asked Sean. Nicola shivered. Sean was obviously looking forward to that part.

  "On the conveyance." JJ-11 jerked his head at the bus.

  "What about maps?" asked Tyler.

  "No need for maps on Volcomania," said JJ-11. "Follow the Blue-5 road. All the way to the Underground Sea. Once you get to Whimsy, you'll just have to ask people for directions. Not that anybody will give you any.They'll just recite poetry, or stare into your eyes for twenty minutes without saying a word. The Whimsian personality is somewhat frustrating." JJ-11 gave an irritated grimace at the thought of the Whimsian personality.

  "Any more questions?" he barked, as if they were all annoying Whimsians.

  Nicola could think of lots of questions. Where does the Blue-5 road begin? How will we find Georgio and Mully once we get to Whimsy? How safe is that scuba diving equipment?

  But she could see JJ-11 trying to hide a yawn. He obviously wanted to get back to his own bed.

  "No, that's all," she said. She tried to follow Katie's example by sounding grateful and polite. "Thank you very much for your help."

  JJ-11 ignored her. For some reason, Nicola never got the same response as Katie did when she tried to be nice to unpleasant people. Perhaps they could tell she was faking it.

  "Good night then," said JJ-11. He suddenly bent over and shook each of their hands vigorously. "Good luck." Then he turned around and vanished off into the dark, fiery night.

  Nicola and the rest of the Space Brigade looked at one another. Their shoulders were slumped and their filthy, ashy faces suddenly looked deflated and weary. Nobody said a word as they followed Nicola inside the stone hut--exhausted and drained.

  What would tomorrow bring?

  CHAPTER 12

  Nicola's mother was right: Everything did seem better the next day. ("One day," Nicola's mother had once said, "you will realize that I am right about everything." This day had not yet come. For example, her belief that Nicola looked so much "prettier" with her hair pulled out of her eyes was plainly, demonstrably wrong.)

  Light was pouring through the windows of the stone hut. There wasn't much inside except for a row of stretcher beds, where the Space Brigade had collapsed last night. N
icola couldn't even remember putting her head on the pillow.

  She hopped out of bed and walked to one of the windows. As usual, she was the first one up. The rest of the Space Brigade was still sound asleep.

  Nicola opened the window and leaned out, eager to see what Volcomania looked like in the daylight.

  The first thing she noticed was the sky.

  So far, in her space travels, Nicola had experienced four planets.

  The Planet of Earth had one sun.

  The Planet of Globagaskar had two cherry-colored suns.

  The Planet of Shobble had one sun.

  The Planet of Arth had--she couldn't remember, she'd been too busy trying to avoid being eaten by Arth-Creatures.

  And now, here she was on a planet with not one, not two, but dozens of tiny, fiercely glowing, orange suns.The sky looked busy, like it had been decorated with balloons for a party.

  The suns lit up the landscape with a harsh orange glow. The volcanoes were still erupting regularly, but the lava didn't seem as molten red as it had during the night. Or perhaps she was just getting used to it. The sound of the eruptions was starting to seem as ordinary as the sound of waves crashing on a beach.

  Nicola yawned and turned away from the window.

  "Good morning," whispered Tyler. He was sitting up in bed peering short-sightedly at Nicola. "I can't see who you are but I would bet a million dollars you're Nicola." He reached for his glasses sitting next to his bed, put them on, and smiled when he saw he was right. "Knew it.You owe me a million dollars."

  "Ha," said Nicola. "Let's find breakfast!"

  Tyler hopped out of bed and together they explored the hut until they found a small kitchen. There was a pile of boxes on the table.

  Tyler picked up one and read out the label: "Bapples: imported from the Planet of Plenty."

  He opened it up to reveal an unfamiliar fruit that looked like banana-shaped apples.

  "All the food is imported from other planets," said Nicola, as she looked through the boxes.

  "That's because they can't grow any food here," said Tyler. "Remember? Oh, look--this box is imported from Earth! It says oggs. Have you ever eaten oggs?"

  They tore open the box.

  "Eggs," said Nicola. "They got the name wrong."

  "Excellent," said Tyler. "I can make scrambled eggs."