“Left yesterday … Shaun’s always here. Not many … meals at home.”
“Well, he’s got to eat sometime. Maybe I’ll just hunt him down at A&A and bring him some sandwiches or something.”
Savannah smiled. “You’re sweet.”
“How about you?” Andi asked. “How are you doing? Like, really doing.”
She nodded slowly. “I know … God will … heal me … but … still scary. Pain scares me.”
Andi squeezed her hand. “Oh, Van. It breaks my heart that you have to go through this.”
Savannah shook her head. “No … it’s good … God … renewed me through this … broken body but … mountaintop faith.” She glanced at the clock on the wall. “Lots of prayer time … listen to worship music … I needed to … slow down.”
Colleen snorted. “He couldn’t have just broken your leg?”
The others laughed as Savannah smiled. “Guess that wouldn’t … have done the trick.”
“Is there anything you need, Van?” Mary asked. “Besides the obvious, which I would gladly donate to you myself if it were possible.”
“Prayer for us … and the donor’s family.”
Mary’s face fell. “Oh, gosh. Yeah.”
“Will you know who they are?” asked Bethany. “Do they tell you that kind of thing?”
“You can … correspond … anonymously … of course I will.”
Andi chuckled. “That’s a heck of a thank-you card to write.”
Savannah’s head nodded a fraction. “You’re telling me.”
Suddenly exhaustion hit her like a fist. “Gotta sleep. But stay … if you want … watch a movie.”
“We don’t want to keep you up.”
“You won’t.” She smiled. “Hopefully I can … chat more … before you leave. Shaun comes … around one. Hound him then, Mary.”
She grinned. “Perfect.”
Savannah closed her eyes, worn out from the effort of conversation, and fell asleep to a soundtrack starting in the background.
SHAUN JUMPED AS A CLAP of thunder took him by surprise. He hadn’t noticed the lightning with the kitchen light on. He moved the pancakes to his plate and poured two more onto the griddle, then checked the salmon in the countertop grill. He’d managed to feed himself without a single trip to the grocery store since Savannah’s hospitalization, but this was definitely scraping the bottom of the barrel. He conceded he’d need to go shopping tomorrow.
One of the nurses had called on behalf of Savannah that morning to tell him not to come up because of the storm that was expected to roll across the state. It had been sunny when she’d called, but by lunch the clouds had begun to darken. He’d almost blown off the warning and gone up anyway; but now that the rain was pouring in buckets, he was glad he hadn’t.
Instead, he was eating an entirely unappetizing dinner and reviewing some stocks he was considering buying. It had been awhile since he’d actively played the market, but it was one of the few ways he could think of that might bring in some extra money. He’d taken out everything he could when the IRS had come calling a few years back, and hadn’t had the time to research stock picks thoroughly enough to make any moves since then. But with two more bills from the insurance company and Jessie’s tuition due, he knew it was time to get back into it.
He ate his pancakes as he made them and took the salmon to his office to eat while he read up on the two stocks he was interested in. The seed money was the one problem. He could get it if he went into their retirement, but he’d get penalized, which meant losing some of the money they desperately needed. But what choice was there?
By the time the salmon was gone his choice was made. All he had to do was bite the bullet and pull the money out of his 403b. He was about to pick up his cell to call his investment company when it surprised him by ringing.
“Hello?”
“Shaun, it’s Tammy — Savannah’s transplant coordinator.”
His blood iced in his veins. “Oh God—she’s not—”
“No, no, Shaun—we have a heart.”
It took a second for his emotions to put the brakes on his grief. “Wait—a heart—for Savannah?”
She laughed. “If it were for someone else I wouldn’t be calling you.”
He darted for the kitchen where his car keys sat. “I don’t know when I’ll get there with the rain. Oh man—I never packed a bag.”
“That’s alright, just get here when you can. The heart isn’t here yet, and it probably won’t get here for another couple hours anyway; it’s up in Fort Collins right now.”
“Okay, okay. I’ll be there as soon as I can.”
“Drive safely now—no speeding.”
“Right, right. No speeding.” He hung up and ran back into the bedroom to grab a change of clothes, then shoved them into the computer bag that held his laptop.
He was on the road before he realized he ought to call people. But who? Jessie first, of course. He dialed, praying God would protect him from crashing as he drove through the storm. “They’ve got a heart,” he said when she picked up. “They said it’ll get there in a couple hours. I’m guessing she’ll go straight into surgery once it’s there. I’m on my way up now.”
“Oh my gosh! Okay, okay … we’ll finish up dinner and hit the road in about ten minutes.”
He called Alex after that, who promised to get the word out to their friends and Pastor John. Then he dialed Marisa, who had just gotten back two days prior from a visit to her boyfriend in New York. “They got a heart; it’s on its way.”
“Hallelujah! I can’t believe it! That was so fast.”
“Fast?”
“It’s only been, what, twelve days since she was admitted to the hospital the first time? Some people are on the list for months.”
Shaun had to do the math himself to believe it. Less than two weeks? It felt like a lifetime. “She wouldn’t have lasted months. God knew what he was doing.”
“Are you on your way?”
“Just left ten minutes ago.”
“I’ll call the staff and let them know. Is it okay if people come up?”
“As long as they promise to pray like crazy while they’re here, sure.”
She laughed. “You got it. See you as soon as I can make it up.”
The rain lessened as he drove, and by the time he was halfway there it had stopped completely. Without the weather to worry about, his mind was free to wander. They had a heart. Savannah had been right; God was going to heal her. Why had he doubted?
His thoughts turned to the surgery, and then to the bill that would be coming. Hopefully he’d be able to grab those stocks beforehand. If he had a minute alone, he’d leave a voicemail for the investor who handled A&A’s retirement program to find out about pulling out the funds.
Between the rush hour traffic he’d hit and the weather, it took him almost two hours to get to the hospital. It was just after eight when he ran at full-tilt from the car to the building and up the two flights of stairs to Savannah’s room. Two nurses were preparing to take her to the operating room. “I’m here, Van!” he said, squeezing her foot. She opened her eyes and smiled bigger than he’d seen in weeks. “Jessie’s on her way; Marisa’s coming up, too. I called Alex; not sure who will come up but he’s calling everyone.”
“Tell them all hi.”
He laughed. “I will.”
Tammy entered and threw an arm around Shaun’s shoulder. “You made it! What a night, huh?”
“You can say that again.”
“They’ll take her down in a minute; the heart is about half an hour away. I’ll walk you down to the waiting room and we can go over any questions you have about the surgery.”
“We’re done here, Tammy,” said one of the nurses.
“Alright then — Shaun, you and Savannah can have a minute alone.” She and the nurses left, and Shaun moved beside Savannah and held her hand.
“You okay, babe?”
She nodded. “You?”
“Better than I have bee
n.”
“Pray for me.”
He closed his eyes and found himself speechless. Words couldn’t convey the desperation he felt for this surgery to go right. He stumbled through a prayer he was sure would make Savannah roll her eyes, but when he opened his own she was smiling wide. “See you tomorrow.”
He felt his throat threatening to close. “Promise?”
“Promise.” She squeezed his hand and he kissed her as hard as he dared.
Tammy returned. “Ready to go?”
Shaun let Savannah go and stepped back. “Not really.”
She chuckled. “Savannah?”
“Let’s get this … show on the road.”
“You’ve got it. Off we go!” The nurses wheeled the bed into the hall, and Shaun and Tammy followed them as far as the swinging double doors that led to the OR. He kissed her once more, then let Tammy lead him to the spacious waiting room lined with couches and dotted with tables and chairs.
“Will anyone else be coming?”
“Our daughter and her boyfriend, Savannah’s assistant … possibly some others, but I don’t know for sure.”
“I’ll let reception know and they’ll send them all here. Do you want to wait for your daughter before we go over the surgery?”
“No, I’m not sure when she’ll get here. Let’s just do it now while I can still concentrate.”
They sat at a table and Tammy went over the sequence of events that would begin with the arrival of the heart, but Shaun barely paid attention. All he could think about was his wife in the OR, chest splayed open, her life in the hands of a team of mere mortals. Well, and God, too. But that didn’t comfort him as much as it comforted Savannah.
“Dad!”
He turned in his seat and saw Jessie and Adam coming down the hall. She wrapped her arms around his neck. “Is she okay?”
“She just went in a few minutes ago for prep. The heart should be here soon. This is Tammy, the transplant coordinator. Tammy, this is our daughter, Jessie, and her boyfriend, Adam.”
“Nice to meet you. Boy, aren’t you the spitting image of your mother.”
Jessie smiled a little. “Thank you.”
“I just finished explaining the next twenty-four hours to your dad, but I’ll leave these papers here so you can read over them. Feel free to page me if you have any questions. I’ll be here until she’s out of surgery.”
“How long will that be?” Jessie asked.
“Around nine hours, assuming there are no hitches.”
She blew out a breath. “Wow.”
Shaun stood and shook Tammy’s hand. “Thanks again.”
“You’re welcome. Let me know if you need anything and I’ll see what I can do.”
She disappeared down the hall. Shaun sat back down and rubbed a hand over his face. “I can’t believe this is happening.”
“How did she look before she went in?”
“Not great, but obviously she wasn’t bad enough for them to not do the surgery. I have a feeling this was an eleventh hour save, though. At the rate she was going …” He shook his head. “Anyway, we just have to pray this goes okay.” He took the hand Jessie stretched out to him.
“So … what now?”
He shrugged. “Now we wait.”
THEY DIDN’T HAVE TO WAIT alone, however. Not long after Jessie and Adam arrived, Mary and Alex did as well, followed by Adam’s mother and two other A&A staff members, including Marisa. Then Andi and Colleen showed up with their husbands, bringing four pizzas with them, and Pastor John arrived with his wife an hour into the surgery. The impromptu party in the waiting room made Shaun both happy and edgy. It was good to know how many people cared about them—and cared enough to trek for nearly two hours through rotten weather. But it was overwhelming as well — all the praying and worshiping (John had brought his guitar), all the concerned faces close to his asking how he was holding up. A couple hours into the surgery he told Jessie he was going for a walk, and left the group for the quiet of the chapel.
He stared at the stained glass picture of a hilly countryside at sunset, trying to capture some of the peace the image depicted. He was scared Savannah would die, and he couldn’t shake it. He was afraid to consider the details he’d have to face if the surgery didn’t work. He didn’t want to jinx it, or make God think that he was prepared enough for it that he would decide to go ahead and take her. But at the same time, he was afraid not to plan, knowing that he would never think of all the details in the throes of grief; better to have things figured out just in case.
He’d sell the house, for sure. He’d never be able to stay there without his wife, and it was too much space for just him and Jessie— especially since Jessie would likely never really move back. He knew how serious she and Adam were; surely a wedding would follow on the heels of graduation.
A&A would shut down, certainly. It was built around Savannah; without her at the helm it was pointless. It was a ministry for women; Shaun would not be able to do what she did, and Jessie had no interest in being involved — had no interest in the ministry at all, period.
Though at least with A&A gone and the house sold the debts would all go away. What a relief that would be, to have that monkey off his —
“What am I doing?” He said the words aloud, shocked at the turn of his thoughts. “God, I didn’t mean it. I would never trade Savannah just to get out from under this mess. It’s all my own fault. She shouldn’t have to pay for it.”
Another thought ignited panic. “This isn’t all because of me, is it? God, I’m sorry. Please, don’t take her. Don’t let her die.”
A noise behind him made him turn. A chaplain stood at the back, and Shaun’s chest tightened with embarrassment. How much had he heard?
“I’m sorry to disturb you. I did a service in here earlier and think I left my glasses on the podium.” He gave Shaun a friendly smile as he passed him on the way up to the simple wooden podium at the front of the chapel. “Ah, bingo.” He pocketed the glasses and walked back to Shaun. “I’m Reverend Hutchinson. Is there anything I can do for you?”
“My wife — she just went in for a heart transplant, and I’m—” Shaun didn’t know what to say. I’m cheating her ministry out of money at every turn so I can keep someone quiet and keep my kid in college? “I’m feeling … desperate.”
The reverend sat in the pew in front of Shaun and turned to face him. “Can I pray for you?”
He’d gotten plenty of prayer in the waiting room. He didn’t deserve any more. “No thanks,” he said as he stood. “Just pray for my wife.”
He left the chapel and headed back to the waiting room, but the strains of everyone singing made him turn around. He was definitely not in a worshipful mood. He followed the signs to the foyer where a bank of vending machines provided snacks and drinks. He could still hear the music, but hearing it wasn’t as bad as having to participate in it. He slotted some change for a coffee, then sat at one of the tables and let the minutes tick by as he chanted Don’t let her die, don’t let her die in his head.
He rested his head on his folded arms and eventually began to doze, only to awaken with a start sometime later, panicked that he’d missed something. The music down the hall was gone. He checked his phone for the time and saw that the surgery had been going for four hours. He took his coffee, now cold, back to the waiting room and found most of the visitors had crashed out on the couches. Jessie and Adam were playing cards; Mary was knitting in the corner, a blanket with various shades of purple cascading from the needles; and John sat at a table with his Bible and a notebook. Those who were awake acknowledged him when he returned, but thankfully said nothing to him as he made his way to an empty couch and settled into its corner. The chant picked up again in his mind as he closed his eyes, and for the next few hours he dozed off and on before finally succumbing to a deep sleep.
He was awakened by Tammy gently calling his name and shaking his shoulder. His eyes flew open when it finally registered who she was.
He jumped to his feet. “What’s happening?”
She smiled. “Surgery is done, and she did great. It’s over now. Savannah has a new heart.”
CHAPTER 6
SAVANNAH SAT ON THE COUCH, HANDS WRAPPED AROUND A MUG of tea as she stared at the trees. It was all she’d done since coming home three days ago, and she was frustrated by how little things had changed. Hadn’t she been doing this before going into the hospital? When was the new heart going to kick in and give her some energy?
She had been warned about the emotional roller coaster that came along with a new lease on life, about the depression that came with knowing someone had to die so you could live. She’d known it beforehand, of course, but with the evidence housed in her chest, she had trouble not dwelling on it. The concept was obviously familiar, and she’d expected to feel a lot more gratefulness toward Jesus for his sacrifice after this experience, but instead she just felt … angry.
She tried not to overanalyze her emotions. “Everyone processes their transplants differently,” Tammy had assured her at a recent checkup. “Just go with it, let yourself feel what you feel. It’ll all even out eventually. But it takes time.” It had been a relief to hear she wasn’t some emotional freak; but even so, she had expected to feel like herself again, and she didn’t—and that was maddening.
Her Bible sat beside her on the end table, the bookmark still in the Psalms. She’d picked it up every day, even opened it a few times, but reading felt like a chore and the verses weren’t alive for her like they had been before the surgery. Every now and then she’d imagine herself approaching the throne of Heaven, the image she’d often used in her younger years to get her mind in the right state for prayer, but later she’d realize her thoughts had wandered and she’d never actually prayed anything. She’d center herself and try again, but “thank you” didn’t seem strong enough given the magnitude of the gift, and she felt guilty praying about anything else. She longed for that brilliance she’d felt in the days before the transplant, when God had been as real and close as her own self. Now she just felt alone, and she resented that the mountaintop experience had been so short-lived.
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