“Honestly? I came home three hours ago and saw you through the window. I didn’t feel like talking. What are you doing home?”
“It sounded like things were getting desperate here. I thought it wise to come back and do what I could to keep them from falling apart.”
He snorted, not even bothering to look her in the eyes. “A day late and a dollar short, darling.”
“Not when it comes to Jessie. Just in time, actually.”
He said nothing and walked away toward his office. She steeled her courage and said, “So what’s the story with Carlie Stone?”
He froze, his back still turned to her. “What did you say?”
“I know everything, Shaun. Carlie, the audit, the fact that you’re doing something with the ministry’s money.”
He said nothing, and a rock took up residence in Savannah’s chest. What if she’d been horribly wrong? But then his shoulders slumped. His entire frame seemed to deflate. He turned, and his face was filled with grief, his eyes imploring her not to hate him. “I’m sorry, Savannah. God, I am so sorry. I can’t even — “ His voice broke; he covered his eyes with a trembling hand. “I thought I could get everything worked out. I did everything I could think of to shore up A&A and replenish our savings. But everything I tried backfired on me. I never meant to ruin us, I swear.”
He sank into a chair and Savannah followed suit, stunned silent at hearing their personal savings had been affected too. In a trembling voice, Shaun laid out everything that had happened.
It had all started with the letter from the IRS. The first two years A&A had been an official entity, Shaun had done the accounting, teaching himself along the way. Unfortunately, he’d made some very large mistakes on their taxes, and when the government came calling three years later the ministry owed twice as much money as he’d thought they did. Too embarrassed to admit his mistake, he decided not to tell the new accountant, who would have paid the back taxes out of A&A’s savings, which at the time were so meager they wouldn’t have been sufficient anyway. Instead, he had paid the taxes with their personal savings, depositing it into A&A and then pulling it out so it was an official A&A payment.
His plan had been to skim a little here, a little there, and pay back to their savings what he’d used to pay the taxes. He made sure to always maintain some level of access to A&A’s financials, and to keep the amounts small so they wouldn’t be detected. He hired accountants who were green, who were star-stuck with Savannah and had no problem rubber-stamping anything that came from her. He began submitting personal receipts for reimbursement on her forms as a way to collect back what the ministry owed him.
It had worked fine for a while—until they’d hired Carlie Stone. She had been zealous about her job and about the ministry, always looking for ways to help the other staffers when she had free time. She was a hard worker, but there was something off about her—her manic-like energy, the way she violated others’ personal space, her seeming lack of understanding of social cues. She would walk into someone’s cubicle and offer to help, then began doing whatever she thought they wanted done without waiting for their response, even if it meant reading their reports or shuffling through the info cards they were trying to enter. People appreciated the offer of help, but not the way it was executed.
Shaun had left some receipts and a reimbursement form labeled as Savannah’s on his desk before leaving for a meeting. She’d gone in and decided to finish the form for him, and in doing so had noticed some of the receipts were for things Savannah hadn’t purchased—lunch from fast food restaurants (she never ate fast food), office supplies (it was Carlie’s job to order those), magazines and subscriptions (Carlie was pretty sure Savannah didn’t read Forbes Magazine or subscribe to Lebed’s stock picks). She’d gotten suspicious and confronted Shaun, who had denied any wrongdoing and had refused to explain himself to her. He’d let her go soon after citing “personality conflicts” as the reason. A few months later she’d sent her first threat and demand for money.
“I thought if I gave her what she wanted, she’d just go away. I didn’t think she’d keep coming back. But by the time I realized she wasn’t going to stop, I was afraid of what she might say to people, and of whom she might decide to talk to. It would have sounded bad enough had she followed through with her original threat, but then to add to it that I’d been paying her not to talk?”
“So, let me guess,” Savannah said, fighting to keep her voice neutral. “Nick figured out what was going on, too, and that’s why you fired him.”
“He was close. He hadn’t figured it out yet, no; but I was afraid he would. He was more conscientious with your forms than I thought he’d be. I couldn’t take any chances.”
“And then I got sick —”
“And the bills started pouring in.” He reached out a hand to her, a gesture of surrender. “Don’t hate me, Savannah. I was a fool and I know it. Please forgive me.”
Her heart was in turmoil. The anger she’d been happily living without had erupted again during Shaun’s confession. Ten years of her life down the drain because he hadn’t been man enough to admit his mistake. And now they were buried under debt and had no way to pay it off, had no way to pay their mortgage or the electric bill or their daughter’s tuition.
“I … I can’t even begin to talk to you about this right now. It’s so much more than I …” Savannah wanted to punch out a window, she was so angry. “Never mind. I’m going to bed.” She turned to head up the stairs and saw a shadow move in the hall. Oh no. “Jessie?” The shadow stopped. Shaun’s head dropped into his hands. “Jessie, honey, I know you’re there. Come out where I can see you.”
Jessie stepped out of the dark. Savannah could see the tears on her cheeks. Savannah tried to keep her tone even, to not let her anger spill into her conversation with her daughter. “You heard everything, didn’t you?”
“I can’t believe you.” Jessie was looking not back at Savannah, but at Shaun. “You lied to me. You let me think it was all Mom’s fault.” She disappeared down the back stairwell, and a moment later they heard the door to the garage open and slam shut and Jessie’s car rev to life.
Shaun moaned. “I can’t believe she heard me.”
“Well, you’d better go chase her down. I’m not doing your reconciliation for you.” She left and went into the guest bedroom, unwilling to sleep in the space that reminded her so much of him. She shut the door, waited until she saw Shaun’s car swing into the early morning in pursuit of Jessie, then let herself fall apart.
JESSIE POUNDED A FIST ON the steering wheel as another sob broke from her throat. If she’d felt betrayed before by her father’s support of Savannah, hearing that it was actually he who was responsible for A&A’s downfall and their family’s descent into near-bankruptcy made her feel like she’d been knifed in the chest. He was a coward, a liar, a thief. Her family tree was rotten to the core. She felt doomed.
Driving on autopilot, she soon found herself on the empty lanes of I–25, the major highway that bisected the state. She took it north, deciding to go to Angie’s, then almost immediately changing her mind as she realized what time it was. Angie was in the throes of midterms just as she would be if she were still in school; to wake her before dawn with Jessie’s family drama would be unfair. She couldn’t do anything to help anyway. Instead, she took the exit for the 105 into Monument and drove to Angie’s parents’ house.
Angie’s parents—her mother, especially—had always treated Jessie like she was part of the family. It had been a long time since she’d seen them, given how infrequently she and Angie were able to get together these days. But their home was the safest place Jessie could think of, and as exhaustion threatened to put her asleep at the wheel, she knew she had to stop somewhere. It was the most logical place to go.
But once she was in the driveway of their stone ranch, she was overwhelmed with embarrassment. It was just past five a.m., the eastern sky glowing with the impending sunrise. She couldn’t just knock on the
ir door now. Instead, she wrote Sleeping in the backseat ~Jessie on a napkin and gently closed their screen door on it, then climbed into the back of her car and proceeded once more to weep.
It was like finding out she was adopted, that the people she’d called Mom and Dad her whole life were just stand-ins for the people who held the titles by biology. No one was who they said they were. The anchors of her life were gone.
No, not true. What about God?
An excellent question. And one she didn’t feel emotionally prepared to answer right now.
But plenty of other questions needed to be answered instead. What now? Where to go? What to do? Who to trust? Each was daunting, but vital. Without answers she was adrift and alone, when what she really needed was someone to wrap their arms around her and let her know her life could be salvaged.
Through her tears she spied the slim leather-bound Bible she’d kept in her car since high school. She pulled it from the seat-back pocket and held it to her face. Its smell brought back memories of youth group meetings and after-school Bible studies, back in the days when she was embarrassed by her mother’s rising fame and struggling to come to terms with the Savannah she knew and the Savannah everyone assumed her mother was. Through it all, she’d never doubted God, never confused her frustration toward her mother with what she believed. Somewhere along the years she’d learned not to blame God for the actions of his followers, and the realization that these new revelations about her parents did nothing to alter God’s character or promises brought on a wave of relief. She opened the book to the Psalms and began to read, searching for the verses where David’s struggles and pain drove him to beg for God’s mercy and compassion. She could certainly relate to him tonight.
A TAPPING ON THE GLASS startled Jessie awake. The kind face of Angie’s mother, Gayle, almost brought on her tears again, and she rolled down the window as she felt the flush of self-consciousness warm her face.
“That can’t be comfortable.” Gayle smiled. “You know we have a perfectly serviceable guest room you could have slept in.”
“I didn’t get here until five.”
“Ah, then I understand. Hungry?”
Jessie gave her a sheepish nod. “A little.”
“Come on in. Lyle is out of town and I’d love some company.”
Jessie climbed out of the backseat and tried in vain to smooth out her rumpled pajamas. Gayle eyed her as she held open the door for her. “You actually changed into your pajamas to sleep in your car?”
Jessie gave an embarrassed chuckle. “I was already in them when I left the house.”
“Ah. Gotcha.” She pulled out a chair at the kitchen table. “Coffee?”
“Thanks.”
Gayle placed a steaming mug in front of Jessie, then pulled a box of pancake mix from the pantry. “I’m going to guess that whatever sent you driving around town in the middle of the night is serious enough to warrant pancakes, but if you’re really in the mood for cereal I’ve got Cheerios, too.”
“Pancakes would be great.” A small smile tugged at her lips. “I always find carbs comforting. But,” she added quickly, “you don’t have to go to all that trouble.”
“Nonsense, I’m happy to do it.” She glanced at Jessie with eyebrows arched as she poured the mix into a bowl. “So what happened?”
Jessie stirred milk and sugar into her coffee as she recounted the last few weeks in flat narrative. Her emotions felt turned off now, as though they’d gotten used up over the last twenty-four hours. When she reached the end she gave a little shrug. “So I’m out of school now, and just … I don’t know. I don’t know what comes next. You know, my mom and I had an almost decent conversation last night, although I’m still not at all prepared to let bygones be bygones and pretend like everything’s fine now. But now, knowing what really happened with A&A, feeling like the rug got pulled out from under me … I don’t have the energy to try to work on things with her. And it sucks, because I feel like we might have had a chance, like she was starting to come around. But all this stuff … I’m just so overwhelmed by it. I want to just lump her and Dad and Adam and everything into one giant ball and throw the whole thing out, even if they don’t all deserve it. And I know that’s stupid, but …”
Gayle set a short stack of pancakes in front of Jessie. “It’s not stupid at all. Of course you’re overwhelmed. I’m not surprised. I wouldn’t expect you to jump up and start sorting things out; sometimes it takes a while after the dust has settled before you can really start working on things, untangling them and fixing them. But I have to say I think you’re handling things very well.”
Jessie rolled her eyes and smiled. “I ran away in the middle of the night.”
“A very honest response, believe me. You needed space to think. Perfectly acceptable. Although,” her tone changed as she raised a brow, “please tell me your parents aren’t wandering Colorado Springs looking for you.”
Jessie squeezed her eyes shut and slumped in her seat. “Um …”
“Can you at least text them?”
“I didn’t bring my phone.”
“Alright then. Why don’t you use mine, or get on our computer and email them. I can understand not wanting to call, but if it were Angie at your parents’ place I’d be mad if they didn’t make her tell me she was okay.”
Jessie sighed. “You’re right. Okay. Can I use your phone?”
Gayle gave Jessie her cell, and she tapped in a quick message. J here. I’m ok. Be home later. “If they call back, I don’t want to talk to them.”
“Fair enough.”
Gayle let Jessie eat in silence, refilling her coffee and adding pancakes to the plate as she finished. Eventually Jessie held up a hand. “I’m stuffed. That was really good. Thank you.”
“Sometimes crises make you ravenous.”
Jessie chuckled. “Yeah.”
“So now what? You’re more than welcome to stay here for the day. I promise to leave you alone, unless you want something to do, in which case I’ll commandeer your help in organizing my sewing room.”
Jessie smiled. “Thanks for the offer. But, as much as I don’t want to, I should probably go home. I’m sorry for crashing your breakfast.”
Gayle laughed. “Hardly, sweetheart. I’m glad you came.” She laid a kind hand on Jessie’s arm. “And listen. I want you to know that we’ll never judge you based on what your parents do. And honestly, I don’t think many people will. And those that do — well, they’re not the kinds of people you need to be associating with anyway.” She smiled. “Your parents are human. They’ve made huge mistakes, just like the vast majority of people on this planet. But you’re not your parents. You can learn from this, and I’m sure it will affect you, but it doesn’t have to define you. God’s plan for you hasn’t changed in the light of all this — nor has his plan for your parents changed. God knew it all was coming. It’s a lie from Satan that your life is ruined because of their decisions. It’s not ruined. It’s just unfolding.”
Jessie sniffed as a fresh wave of tears welled in her eyes. “Thanks, Gayle.”
“Of course, sweetheart. Drive safely, okay? You’re sure you’re alright?”
“Yeah, I’m fine.”
“Alright then. And listen, you can crash my breakfast anytime.”
Jessie gave her another hug. “I’ll remember that.”
Gayle’s eyes twinkled. “Just, you know, wear some real clothes next time.”
SAVANNAH AWOKE TO THE NEIGHBOR’S dog barking. The clock on the nightstand read 7:04. Her mind began to churn, and she knew there was no point in attempting more sleep. She pulled the down comforter over her head, burrowing beneath the sheets. She wanted to hide and never come out—or, even better, to just go back to Georgia. She was done — with her marriage, with everything. She was beginning to feel a lot more empathy with Charlie. And now she had something to share in group therapy at The Refuge. Lucky her.
Then she realized she’d never heard Jessie come in. She’d heard Shaun come
home, heard him shuffle down the hall to their bedroom and shut the door without even trying to do it quietly. But Jessie, whose room was next door to the guest bedroom where Savannah had slept, had either been extremely quiet or else had never come home.
She got up and tiptoed out, hoping to avoid Shaun until she figured out what her response to him was going to be. Jessie’s door was still open. She searched the room briefly, looking for the pajamas she’d been wearing when she’d left. They weren’t there.
It didn’t matter how done she was with Shaun, she couldn’t leave and risk losing the tenuous connection she had to Jessie. She had to go find her.
She went downstairs and made coffee while inhaling a bowl of cereal. The problem was, she didn’t actually know where to go to find her daughter. Not the college, obviously, but other than that she could be anywhere. Who were her friends outside of Adam and people on campus? She didn’t know. Where did she hang out when she was home? Again, she had no idea.
She poured the coffee in a travel mug and went to the car. Her brain felt muddled. She longed for the orchard, to walk between the trees and have so much space to think.
She pulled out of the garage and headed to the northbound freeway. She’d gone running at a state-protected open space north of the city once a few years back; that would have to do.
It was close to eight by the time she found her way to a parking spot in a gravel lot beside a stone sign proclaiming Greenland Open Space. More cars were there than she’d expected. She got out and saw a group not too far up the path, comprised mostly of children and a few women. As she neared them she noticed the children — probably between 8 and 10 years old—had notebooks in hand and were writing things down as they saw them along the path. One of the mothers was talking about the kinds of animals that lived in the open space. Savannah deduced it was a homeschooling group.
She skirted them, moving quickly so no one would notice the tears on her cheeks. She had homeschooled Jessie for a couple years. But then A&A had come into existence and she’d put her in school so she could work. How different would things be now had she not made that sacrifice? Even if she’d pursued A&A, but had made a way to school Jessie as well, would they have butted heads all the time, made each other crazy? Or would they have grown together, learning about each other, how to relate to each other, to talk together. Savannah had a feeling she’d at least know now where to look for her daughter.
The Heart of Memory Page 28