Cal was again overwrought with guilt for the secrets he was keeping. His stomach churned and growled, loudly and painfully and before he knew it he said, “Good because there’s something I really should tell you.”
“What is it? Are you alright?”
“Yes. No. Yes. I—” He gulped loudly. Maybe this wasn’t the right time. No. He was sure this wasn’t the right time. Not here. Not now. What if she ran off alone into the dark night? He needed to wait until this evening was over, once he had safely delivered her home and then—
“Good evening!” A loud voice called out to the crowd and saved Cal from sure disaster. “Good evening everyone!”
The assembled people cheered and yelled out greetings.
“What’s going on? Who’s that?” Ellie asked, clearly distracted from what Cal had been about to say as she looked up to the balcony where the voice was coming from.
“That’s Liam McTavish. One of the union leaders in this area. He’ll be talking to everyone now about the current causes and the current state of everything. He does this every time they meet to get everyone more motivated and involved.”
“How exciting,” Ellie mused with wide eyes.
“Good evening everyone!” Liam called once more as he waited for the sounds of the crowd to dwindle. “Good evening! I’m so glad to see you all here!”
There were a few reciprocating calls but the loud sounds of the crowd soon died down into a low but energized hum.
“I see a few new faces tonight so I’ve decided to start at the beginning, which is a very good place, indeed. I’ll begin with the story of the worker.” He took off his comfortably worn hat. “The worker. The everyday man. He’s quite a specimen, I would say. Hard working. Loyal. Tough as nails and so much more. He’s a staple of this economy. Without him nothing would get done. There would be no textiles. There would be no cotton to make the textiles. There would be no coal…” With each industry he called out several more cheers of acknowledgement rose from the crowd. “There would be no… well, pretty much anything.”
“Hear, hear!”
“The everyman worker is a vital staple of this industry but he isn’t made to feel his importance…. or his power. He’s made to feel insignificant and replaceable and helpless, subservient to his position and the way of life it affords him… he’s made to feel that he’s in no position to do anything about his life conditions. He’s been made to feel powerless, lesser than human—completely inhuman even—and he has internalized it as the truth. He has seen himself as a ghost, in the same way that other people see him as a ghost when they ignore him on the street. For so long he has felt as if he does not deserve change. As if it is above him and completely out of reach.”
Sounds of disapproval, hissing and boos arose from around them and Cal held Ellie tighter against his side.
“But this is not the truth! And the way we, the workers, feel is changing now. We are no longer seeing ourselves as the ‘have nots’ and everyone else as the ‘haves’. Now we are beginning to realize that we are not, in fact, powerless! We do not have to sit back while the ‘haves’ make the rules, and we wait to be thrown a bone just to get by. And why should we?” Liam laughed and slapped his sides. “I mean we’re the ones running the bloody mills and factories for God’s sake! Without us, well, where would the owners be? What would they do?”
More cheers arose from the people, a mix of the words “nothing” and “nowhere” and “hear, hear!”
“The owners are counting on us as workers to stay complacent, to not cause any trouble, to sit back and take whatever we are given because we need whatever meager wages they provide in order to support our families. They want us to think we need them. Them! But they are wrong.” Liam pointed his finger as he paced back and forth along the balcony. “The world is changing. The time is coming soon when it will no longer be necessary to live in fear. The time is coming when we will finally earn our fair share and we will finally be treated how we deserve to be treated. As honest, hardworking, contributing members of society. And that change will come at our hands as long as we all work together!”
Liam held up his hands and then bowed, theatrically, as the crowd rose to their feet clapping and cheering.
Ellie clapped her hands too and yelled out cheers of exuberant agreement. A burgeoning sense of affection pulsed inside of Cal as he watched her become enveloped in the moment. He was becoming enveloped too, but not with the moment or these people. With her. With everything about her and her joy and her affection that stemmed so selflessly from every molecule of her body. Never in his life had he met someone who could give herself over to others in the way she was doing now. It was breathtaking. And he was overcome.
“I’ve been wondering since we walked in but I was just too overwhelmed at the time to ask…” she said as she nestled into him after some time. “How is this possible?”
“How is what possible?” Cal asked.
“This place. It’s so large and well-kept and wonderful compared to what I’ve seen of this area…”
“Oh.” He gave her a teasing squeeze, thinking back to the moment she had shushed him. “Now you want to know more about this place?”
“Yes.”
“Well, this place has never been owned by the wealthy or by businessmen. It’s always been family owned, and passed down from father to son. The man who owns this business now—well, it’s been in his family for years. Generations. And each generation has taken care of it, adding to it as necessary and improving…”
“But now—how did they manage to keep it this way, in this condition—”
“Oh, well that’s the most amazing part. This place has been a staple of this area for longer than anyone alive can remember. It’s been a refuge to generations of families. Even when everything around them was changing for the worst, this place remained a constant. Many of the people here now grew up coming here with their families. So the community of people has done what they can to make sure it stays this way, to make sure it survives the encroachment of the wealthy on this area, in whatever ways they can… they help with repairs, they cook and clean… some of them even give what little bits of money they can spare to keep up with it all. To keep this place here for everyone now and for those who will come in the future.”
Ellie sniffed and when Cal looked down at her he could see that her eyes were welling up.
“What is it?” he asked, now concerned.
“I was worried what I would find today and mostly it’s been what I expected; the buildings, the streets... but the people are not what I expected at all. They remind me of a saying I heard once: Those who give all they have, no matter how small, give the most. And these people…” She shook her head. “They have so little, yet they still do what they can to help one another. And if they can do it, if these people with so little can still help one another, then what excuse do any of us have not to do the same?”
“Oh,” Cal sighed. “So, nothing’s wrong?”
“No, nothing at all is wrong. Actually I feel the opposite of wrong.” She snuggled into Cal’s side even closer. “I feel hope.”
Cal’s face softened, the glow of her words warming him from the outside in as he ran his hands over her beautiful auburn hair. He looked down at her, his eyes dark and his thoughts clouded with scandal. Holding just one of her hands, he slowly stepped backwards away from her and then held up his other hand to beckon her closer. “Come here.”
She complied without question, following him through the still joyous and occupied crowd, to the narrow covered passageway that lead out to the back alley behind the pub. Spinning her around, he gently pushed her against the wall. Her back landed firmly against the solid stone and she let her mouth gape with a smile, taking several deep breaths.
He took one large step in her direction. They were close enough together now that he could feel her shuddering breaths on his face. The tips of his fingers brushed along the surface of her forehead and he used the pad of his thumb to
massage her warm and red cheek. She gasped, shortly and sharply, arching her body towards him and pressing her hips into his. He rocked against her, his left hand now firmly planted on her lower back holding her in place.
Exhaling, he brought his head to hers, lips nearly touching her skin. She leaned into him but he pulled away at the last second, causing her body to tremble. Then once more he leaned in, hovering just above her. His mouth watered to taste her, to take her in.
A delicate whimper escaped her lips.
And he kissed her. His mouth came down hard against hers, covering it completely. Her lips were as smooth as silk and she smelled of rose water and woman. It was driving him mad. With a ravenous and lustful intent he moved against her, his tongue licking and tasting, his hands positioning her body this way and that for the best angle until at long last he found it. Every part of her melted into him as they discovered a place of complimentary harmony. A place that made them both light up.
He lost himself. He nibbled at her bottom lip and sucked on the sensitive skin until her mouth was red and wanton and she called out for him to stop… but not really stop.
At this point he took to kissing her softly and slowly a few times, carefully lifting his lips off of hers for just long enough to hear that succulent gasp. That gasp that invited him back in with escalating need. She needed him, God, yes. Her body needed him and more than that his body needed hers. It needed to press against hers and hold hers and take hers in his mouth. And then it needed to join with hers in a deeper and more powerful way that kissing.
But not yet. God, though, the thought of it. The anticipation.
“How’s that for hope?” he whispered into her swollen, shaking lips. And then he kissed her just a little bit more.
Chapter 10
Cal should have stopped while he was ahead, but that would have been the sensible thing to do. He was sure lacking a good bit of sense these days.
He’d planned on telling Ellie the truth at the end of that first meeting, while the energy and emotions were running so high and positive. But God dammit it, he hadn’t been able to do it.
Instead he’d let his desire to do the right thing, the thing he should have done in the first place, be overpowered by his desire for her. He was falling for her so profoundly that kissing her felt like the only option. So, he had. He’d kissed her rather than tell her the truth, and in that moment it felt like the most right thing he had ever done.
Later that night though as he’d walked her home, and then when he finally lay down in his own bed, he was overwhelmed with guilt. By lying to her, especially now that their feelings for each other were growing, he was taking advantage of her. That realization made him sick. Sick and angry. So angry and frustrated that nothing he did calmed him or coaxed him to sleep. Nothing he did was able to give him release either, which only made matters worse. Instead he’d sat up half the night drinking whiskey and cursing himself as anxiety set into his bones.
You are not good enough. You will never be good enough… Especially not for someone as special as Ellie.
The fear echoed in his ears and pulsed in his brain for hours until pure exhaustion took over. Even then, he slept fitfully. When he opened his eyes the next morning with a pounding headache, he still had no earthly idea what to do about Ellie, his fears, or the lies he’d told.
Next time, he told himself as he remembered the way her baby blue eyes had caressed him. Next time, I’ll tell her. What harm is one more day anyway? But he knew the answer to that question: plenty of bloody harm indeed.
They had met only three times in total in just as many days but each time Cal fell for her more completely. He fell deeper and harder and he connected with her in a way he’d never connected with anyone. In a way that he’d never expected or even imagined was possible. She was falling for him too, he thought, and he knew that the more time they spent together the more powerful their feelings would become.
He didn’t want to lose her now, he couldn’t stomach the thought, but he knew that he didn’t truly have her and he would never even have the chance unless he told her the truth. But the longer he let it go, the worse he made his chance of redemption. Each time he avoided the truth he shattered her trust and fed his fear that he would never be good enough.
He needed to do something. He needed to fix this. But how?
If he’d only just told her the truth from the beginning, but he hadn’t and so here they were. He couldn’t turn back the clock now but he couldn’t allow things to continue on this path… could he? Of course not. Not if he ever wanted Ellie to be more to him than she was now. He needed some time to figure out how to fix this mess he’d made and fix it in a way that wouldn’t drive her away from him forever.
He also needed time to try to fix himself. Time to finally heal. But that was a larger, more time consuming project. One he was not sure was even possible. Thankfully the next several days after the rally—after he’d kissed her for a second time—provided him the time he needed.
Information about the current mindset of his shareholders was finally starting to flow in from various paid sources. The world of paid information was a shady business though and Cal spent days combing through it all to discern fact from fiction. All the while he was optimistic that something in this information would give him hope. Perhaps animosity for him was not as deep his Uncle seemed to think. Or perhaps his attempts to charm the ever lovely Lady Rivenhall over to his side were actually making a difference. He greatly hoped for the latter... especially since he’d already agreed to escort her to yet another party. In the end he found one clear truth, a truth he’d expected but had no proof of until now: that the shareholders wanted him forcibly removed.
Which was depressing.
As was the fact that he was still being followed.
He’d seen someone following him again a few days ago near his home, and once the day after the meeting he’d gone to with Ellie. He was still certain that no one was looking to harm him and that they only wanted some sort of confirmation that he was planning to undermine the company’s finances… which they would never find because he wasn’t. Still, this running and looking over his shoulder everywhere just in case was beginning to take its toll on him. This work was more daunting and stressful than he’d ever imagined it could be. Mental and physical fatigue plagued him on a daily basis.
And if that wasn’t bad enough, staying away from Ellie wasn’t doing him one lick of good. It was actually making everything worse. The longer he went without seeing her the more powerful his desire for her became. When he closed his eyes all he saw was her. When he lay down in his bed, all he could think about was her. Every part of him ached and wanted, and nothing he did satisfied those needs. He couldn’t figure out what to do or how to fix anything he needed to fix because he couldn’t even think. He couldn’t find relief. He had to see her and talk to her, or he would never even have a chance of figuring everything out.
The next day he headed to her parents’ dress shop determined to speak with her, but as soon as the shop came into view he felt uncertain. He retreated and walked back, again and again, pacing a groove into the dirt with each pass. What would he do or say? What could he do or say?
It wasn’t her fault he’d lied to her about who he was and then involved her in his life, despite the dangers. And ignoring her while he tried to figure out how to fix his mess was incredibly selfish. He couldn’t do that to her anymore. He couldn’t do any of this to her anymore. It wasn’t fair to her and he couldn’t even imagine how she must be feeling. He had to stop ignoring her and when the time was right, he had to tell her the truth. All of it. He didn’t know when that might be but he hoped that by the time it came around, he would have found a way to prove to her, and himself, that he was deserving.
He didn’t even know if that was possible but he had to try. Whatever the risks or fears. He didn’t want to be away from her and he could no longer imagine being without her. That was the only constant in all of this. That was
the only answer he had. He clung to it. Whatever happened from this point would happen and he’d figure out how to deal with it along the way.
But how?
Again, he thought about just going to the door and knocking. Seeing if the right words found him. But there was a possibility they wouldn’t and he’d only end up hurting her more. No, that wasn’t the answer any more than ignoring her. But he also couldn’t ignore just how serious this situation was. It needed further thought and tact. It needed more preparation than a spontaneous trip to her home after days of avoiding her. He made one final turn in front of the shop and headed back home before anyone, especially Ellie, had a chance to see him.
One week. He gave himself one week of serious thought to figure it all out.
But fate was far less generous.
Three days later, as Cal begrudgingly followed Uncle George back to the ducal residence for yet another booze-fueled lecture about the shareholder meetings he was avoiding and the union meetings he was attending, a woman he soon discovered was Ellie, came around the corner and ran into him.
Ellie, whose head had been down at the time (no doubt double-checking something in her pocket), immediately fell backward and landed squarely on her backside.
Her small purse went flying and she scrambled to her knees to retrieve it. “Oh. Oh no,” she muttered as she crawled along the walkway on all fours in the most undignified, yet somehow bewitching way imaginable. She reached for the small bag but before she could grab it, Cal reached down and scooped up both her and her possessions.
He righted her on her feet and held out her purse.
“Why thank you. I’m so sorry. I should have been watching where I was going…” She wiped her now loose hair out of her eyes and looked up at him.
Love and Other Wicked Games (A Wicked Game Novel) Page 15