I closed my eyes and pictured her smiling face, her eyes, her perfect full lips. I imagined her scent and the feel of her soft skin. I started to smile, but then that horrible image from my nightmare just popped suddenly into my head. Her lifeless body and that fucking car seat filling up with our baby's blood. I couldn't banish the image out of my head and I wondered what the fuck was going on with me? I felt so helpless and out of control. I couldn't be here anymore. I stood abruptly and wiped the tears away, hoping David wouldn't see them as I turned and walked across the yard back to him.
"You ready to try again?" he asked as he stood up from one of Mom's patio chairs.
"I don't know if I can handle anymore today," I told him raggedly, my mind in a jumble of confusion.
"Are you serious or just trying to avoid it?" he asked with narrowed eyes.
I paused and tried to consider the question. I was serious about not being able to handle anymore, but I kept thinking about Sydney and that damn hearing, so I lied.
"I think...I think I'm just avoiding again," I whispered, the lie burning in my throat. I'd never lied to David during a session before.
"Okay," he nodded. He believed me. He fucking believed me. I felt like shit inside. "Come on. Let's try again. I'm here for you, and you'll be alright," he reassured me, taking my subdued demeanor as fear, not the shame that it really was.
I followed him over to the door of the detached garage where Jordan, Dad, and I had worked on all our cars over the years. I was filled with terror. The last time I had tried to go in there I had a flashback and totally lost it. I followed David through the door and we stood staring at my dad's purple '71 Corvette convertible. Pain blossomed inside me at the sight of her sitting there in the dim garage covered in dust. I had never been in here to cover her since Dad was gone and Mom never had to worry about those things before. The guilt ignited inside me as I considered all the ways I had failed my family. I made a strange hiccuping sound as another panic attack took over my body, fast and violently. I fell to my knees next to David, who knelt down next to me immediately. I knew he was talking to me, but I couldn't hear a word he said. The pain and fear reached a crescendo inside me, and I couldn't breath. I thought my heart was going to explode inside my chest.
Then just as I thought I was literally going to die and was welcoming the sweet release of it, something broke inside me. This sudden blissful empty nothingness came over me. I couldn't feel anything. The world suddenly seemed hazy and far away, like nothing was real. I vaguely knew David was next to me, but I felt no connection with him or the words he was saying. It was almost like I was watching everything from outside myself. I think I was replying to him, and I didn't know what I was saying, but he seemed to think I was doing okay and I let him believe that.
I went through the motions of doing and saying what I needed to do to get away from this place. I felt like a zombie as David walked next to me out to our cars. The sweet nothingness in my head was the most peaceful thing I had felt in so long, and the disconnect from everything else was a price worth paying for it. I didn't remember saying good-bye to David. I didn't remember how I got back in the Camaro. All I knew was that I was suddenly alone in the car driving, and I didn't know who I was or where I was going. And I didn't give a fuck.
Chapter Nine
Sydney
It was almost four o'clock, and Jensen hadn't come home yet. David and Andy were meeting us at four to help me move the rest of my stuff out of the apartment with Jensen's truck. I was starting to worry since I didn't think he would be gone this long, but considering how hard it was for Jensen to be at his mom's house maybe it was just taking longer. I wanted to call Jensen or David, but I was afraid of interrupting them.
I was sitting on the couch watching TV and fretting when the doorbell rang. It scared me half to death, and I swore loudly as I jumped up. I hurried down the steps to the front door and whipped the door open to find Andy standing there.
"Hi, Syd," he said with a huge grin. "What's up?"
"Hi." I peered behind him, looking to see if Jensen might be driving up. Andy looked behind himself curiously.
"Are you trying to look at my ass?" he said with a mock leer when he turned back to face me.
"Have you heard from Jensen today?" I asked ignoring his attempt at humor.
"No." His smile faded as he answered with narrowed eyes.
"He met David at his mother's house at one, and he hasn't come home yet." I wrung my hands together.
"Have you tried calling him?" Andy asked as he walked in past me, his demeanor changing to concern.
"Not yet," I said with a sigh as I followed him up the steps. "I didn't want to interrupt them."
"I'll risk it." Andy pulled his phone out when we entered the kitchen and called Jensen. After a few moments, he sighed and ended the call. "It rang and rang, then went to his voice mail."
"Then I'll call David." I was halfway down the hall to the living room to get my phone when the doorbell rang again. I felt a trickle of fear climb up my spine. The only other person I was expecting was David, and if that's who was at my door, then where was Jensen? I hurried down the steps again and answered the door. The trickle of fear became a flood as I opened the door and looked up into David's smiling face.
"Syd?" he asked as he took a step toward me, his smile faltering as he took a close look at me. "Are you alright?"
"Is Jensen with you?" I asked, hoping maybe they had driven together.
"No." He shook his head in confusion. "We left his mom's place around two."
"He never came home," I said softly.
"What?" David asked harshly.
"He's not answering his phone," Andy said as he came up behind me and put a comforting hand on my shoulder. "I just tried again."
"Where the fuck is he?" I asked, my voice rising in panic as I wrapped my arms around myself.
"Easy, Syd," David said. "Let's go inside and make some calls. We'll find him." The two of them ushered me back into the house and into the living room.
"Maybe he just wanted to be alone for awhile," Andy suggested as he paced the room while David and I sat on the couch. "Who would blame him after last night?"
"What happened last night?" David asked as he sat up straight, his face perplexed.
"He had one hell of a panic attack at my place last night," Andy explained. "He wasn't right afterwords."
"He didn't tell me anything about that," David said with concern.
"He had a nightmare early this morning, too," I added. "It was so bad that he ended up throwing up afterwords."
"And that's the first time I'm hearing about that, too." David sounded angry as he abruptly stood up. "He should have told me, damn it. How am supposed to help him if I don't know what the fuck is going on?"
Andy and I shared a startled look at David's profanity. If David was cursing, then the shit had really hit the fan.
"I'll call his mom," Andy suggested. "Maybe he went back there." He turned and walked toward the kitchen as he looked down at his phone.
David sat down again with a deep sigh. "I'm sorry, Syd," he said quietly as he started rubbing his beard. "He seemed really agitated when we started today. I knew something was off, but when I asked him about it, he said he didn't know why. I just don't understand why he didn't tell me about that panic attack and the nightmare. I wouldn't have pushed him so much today. He told me he couldn't handle anymore at one point, and I questioned if he really couldn't, or if he was just avoiding things again. He must have lied to me, and I believed him."
"I think I know why." Sudden realization hit me. "It's because of the parole hearing. He has this crazy idea that he has to get better before he goes to the hearing with me."
"He asked me to help him with that on your birthday," David said in exasperation. "I just thought he wanted to learn some coping techniques. I didn't know he thought I could cure him in two weeks."
"He's such a stubborn asshole," I grumbled. "I bet he didn't tell you everythi
ng because he thought you wouldn't go to his mom's house with him today."
"I wouldn't have, if I had known how stressful the last day had been for him, but I still would have come over and talked." David sounded tired now as I watched him stare straight ahead, rubbing his beard again. "He was really quiet when he left, even for him. I should have known something was wrong."
Andy walked back into the room, and we both looked up at him expectantly.
"He's not at his mom's house," he said with the beginning of panic in his vivid blue eyes. "Or Annie's, and Mathias hasn't seen him either."
I closed my eyes as a wave of terror swept through me. A vision of his lifeless body in the driveway flashed through my mind, and I sobbed. What if something had happened to him? What if he had done something to himself again? Andy crossed the room to sit next to me and put an arm around my shoulders. The three of us sat in tense silence for several long moments.
"I wonder..." David began then trailed off, his face pensive.
"Wonder what?" Andy asked as he looked at David.
"There was this moment during one of the panic attacks today," David elaborated. "One second he was completely distraught and the next second he seemed to recover almost immediately. I thought he was just getting better at managing his symptoms, but maybe that's not what happened at all. I wonder if he was dissociating."
"What does that mean?" Andy asked.
"It's called dissociation," David explained. "It's when someone mentally checks out from reality to protect themselves from something distressing. It happens a lot with PTSD. Sometimes it gets so bad that people get amnesia and forget who they are, or travel to different cities and not even know how they got there."
"Well, that's comforting," I said with another sob and started crying.
"Should we call the police?" Andy asked as he pulled me tighter against his side to comfort me.
"It's only been a few hours," David answered him. "They won't do squat until someone is missing for at least twenty-four hours."
"It's all on us then," Andy said with a sigh of resignation. There was another long silence before David spoke again.
"You know him best." David eyed Andy. "Do you have any idea where he would go?"
"No," Andy admitted. "I wish I did."
"It's too bad we can't track his phone," I said quietly. Andy sat up abruptly, pulling his arm from my shoulders.
"I think we can," he blurted out. "Do you have a computer here?"
"Yeah," I answered. "We've been using my laptop, since Jensen destroyed his. It's upstairs. I'll get it." I stood and hurried upstairs to the spare bedroom. I snatched up my computer and rushed downstairs, handing it to Andy as I sat back down between the two men. He set it on the coffee table in front of himself and hit the power button.
"What are you going to do?" David asked as he scooted forward on the couch.
"If I can log on with his cell phone provider, I should be able to access his device manager and locate his phone with GPS," Andy explained as the computer finally powered up. "The man uses the same password for everything. I keep telling him he's going to get hacked. His lack of imagination might just help us find him, as long as that idiot didn't listen to me and change his fucking password."
Andy got onto the Internet, went to Jensen's cell phone provider's website, and clicked on the log-in page. He typed in Jensen's email as the user name and then typed in the password. He looked over at me with hope in his eyes.
"Here's goes nothing." He clicked on the sign-in icon, and we each held our breath.
"Fuck, yes!" Andy shouted as Jensen's account page appeared on the screen. "I'm an evil fucking genius."
A few clicks later, we were waiting for a map to pop up with Jensen's location. God, I hoped his phone was on, and that he still had it with him. Suddenly, a map filled the screen with a large circle in the center of it. I didn't recognize any of the roads, and it could only pinpoint him within a half-mile of where he was at.
"Where the hell is that?" David asked as he stared at the screen. "He's in the middle of nowhere."
"Holy fuck," Andy blurted as he leaned closer to the screen. "I know where that is," he said as his voice dropped to a whisper.
"Where?" I asked quietly.
"That's where Jordan died."
"Let's go. I'll drive," David announced as he stood up, his face set in grim lines. "We need to hurry in case he drives off again."
I slipped on some sandals, and the three of us rushed out to David's Audi A6. I took shotgun, and Andy climbed into the back seat. I braced for another scary ride as David backed out of the driveway and sped out of the condo complex. I hoped the outcome was the same as last time, and I got Jensen back safe and sound again.
**********
"This is all my fault." David shook his head as he drove fast down an empty country road. His voice was distraught as he stared straight ahead at the road. "I should have seen the signs, should have known he wasn't right, should have stayed with him..."
"David, stop," I interrupted him in irritation. He'd been going on like this since we left my house. It was getting old. "That's ridiculous. How is it all your fault? Jensen lied and hid how bad things were from you. How were you supposed to know that if he didn't tell you?"
"I told his mother that he was in good hands," David said in a quiet deadly voice, enunciating every syllable sharply and succinctly. He only got like this when he was extremely angry, and the fact that it was directed at himself freaked me out. "I promised that woman that I would take care of the only child she has left, and I fucked it up."
"David..." I began again.
"Just drop it, Syd," he said as his voice lowered dangerously, his blue eyes glittering angrily. Another thing he did when he was livid, he got really intense and scary. Thank God, it didn't happen very often. "It was my fucking job, and I fucking failed, and nothing you say is going to change that. So please. Drop. It." I didn't say anything else about it, but let out a very audible sigh, so he knew I wasn't happy with him right now. The only up side was that I knew he'd feel bad later and apologize.
"Turn left up here," Andy said quietly from the back seat, pointing at another road we were approaching. He smartly kept his mouth shut through our heated exchange. "We're almost there."
"Thank God," I mumbled with relief. My mind was a frenzy of fear and worry, imagining horrifying scenarios about car accidents and suicide. I wouldn't be able to relax until he was safe in my arms again. Andy's hand suddenly came to rest on my left shoulder. I looked back at him, and saw stark fear in his eyes. I wasn't the only one freaking out. I squeezed his hand wordlessly in acknowledgment. Neither of us offered any trite words about everything being alright nor any other bullshit. This situation could end horribly, and we both knew it.
"There's the Camaro," David said. Andy and I looked forward to see a green car in the distance. As we got closer, I could see that she was parked on the side of the road where it began to curve sharply off to the right. David pulled up behind her, and I could see that she looked like she was intact. Thank God, he hadn't wrecked her. We all piled out of the Audi, and I ran over to the passenger-side window and peered inside. The car was empty, and the keys were still in the ignition. I looked up and met David's panic filled eyes over the roof. It was distressing seeing David so emotionally out of control, and I didn't like it at all.
"Jensen!" Andy yelled, and I looked to my right to see him standing at the front of the car facing the woods just off the road. "Jensen!" he called again, his voice sounding desperate. "Where the fuck are you, you idiot?!" Andy's hands came up to run erratically through his hair.
I walked around the front of the car, stopping next to Andy and scanning the trees along the road. "Jensen!" I yelled, my voice sounding shrill to my ears. The three of us started walking along the shoulder, calling his name and looking for any sign of him.
"I see him!" David called as he stopped abruptly several yards ahead of me, his height giving him a better view tha
n Andy or me. I watched him crash into the heavy underbrush just off the road, and Andy and I followed hot on his heels. I practically plowed into David as he stopped abruptly. I peered around him to see Jensen kneeling on the ground next to the tree line with his back to us. He was rocking back and forth, his head twitching periodically. I could see his right hand tapping out an uneven staccato rhythm on the side of his thigh.
David and I wordlessly approached Jensen, me on the right and David the left. I was vaguely aware of Andy standing stock still behind us. When we came up along side Jensen, I saw that he was staring blankly at the ground directly in front of himself and his lips were moving, but no sound came out of his mouth. He had no idea we were even here.
"Jensen," David said softly, but he didn't respond at all. David placed a gentle hand on Jensen's shoulder, and all he got for a response was a slight twitch of his arm. We both knelt down on either side of him, and I watched David look at Jensen's face. "Jensen." David still got no reaction at all. He looked expectantly over at me then, silently asking for my help. I moved around until I was kneeling in front of Jensen.
"Jensen," I said in a quiet voice as I reached up to cradle his face in my hands. He stopped rocking, but still kept staring unseeing down between us, oblivious to my presence. "Come back to me." My voice finally broke as tears blurred my vision. "Baby, please." I watched his face for some reaction, for anything, but he wouldn't even look at me. His lips just kept moving soundlessly. I leaned my face in close to his. "I'm here, baby. I'm here," I whispered as I lifted his head up and pressed my lips to his. I'd done this before, and it always brought him back to me. I hoped to God it worked again today. I kissed him slowly and softly, showing him my love and need for him. He didn't respond for several long moments, and I was just about to give up, when his mouth was suddenly feeding on mine, his lips and tongue moving desperately against me.
Let Me Heal You: Beautifully Broken Book 3 Page 17