by Louise Bay
The sun was up now. People would start to wake any moment and I still hadn’t managed to work out what I wanted to say.
I stood and leaned against the railings of the porch, looking out into the half-cultivated, half-wild garden. Beneath one of the trees, rose bushes had been planted and the last of their petals lay scattered on the ground.
I headed down the porch steps toward the roses, a plan forming. I spotted a round, flat stone and picked it up. I scanned the area and found another, then another. I could have used a hundred, but when I found the seventh I realized I’d have to compromise.
Now to find something to write with. Chalk wasn’t something most households had lying around. I laid the stones on the deck of the porch and quietly opened the screen door to see what I could find.
My heart thumped in my chest. I wanted to do this before people started to wake. I found a pile of Sharpies on the kitchen table. Perfect.
When I’d finished writing all the things I appreciated about Blake on the stones, I looked around for somewhere to leave them. On a shelf in the kitchen I found a paper grocery bag. I placed the stones inside and then folded the top of the bag three times.
I ran upstairs and slowly opened the door to our room. I wanted to stash the bag before either of the girls woke. Luckily they were still asleep and I was able to push the bag under my bed before climbing in and opening my journal.
“Is that you, Mackenzie?” Rose asked, her throat grating like an eighty-year-old who’d smoked forty a day her whole life.
“It’s me.”
“You weren’t here when we got back last night. We were worried.” Rose pulled off her sleep mask and opened one eye.
I grinned, remembering how nervous I’d been when Blake had asked me to wear the blindfold. But it had been worth it. The effort he’d gone to last night, the champagne and the lights and the candles … My stomach flipped and swooped at the memory, the connection.
“Not so worried that we didn’t collapse into our beds and sleep like babies,” Kennedy said. She sounded awake, but her eyes remained firmly shut.
“I just went for a walk around the ranch. To say good-bye, you know?”
“In the dark?” Rose asked.
“I guess we’ll get our phones back today.” The thought of being plugged in again was sure to distract them.
“I can’t believe we’ve gone nearly a week without internet, celebrity gossip and social media,” Rose said.
“Did you miss it?” I asked. After the first day, I’d barely noticed. Maybe it was because I’d been wrapped up in Blake, or maybe it had just been the Oklahoma air and the focus on myself that had taken my mind off being out of touch with the outside world. Either way, I hadn’t obsessed over getting a message from Phil, or really wondered about him at all. I hoped he was happy, and more, I now knew I wouldn’t have been had we got married.
“Not as much as I expected,” Rose replied.
Kennedy finally opened her eyes. “I thought Brianna was crazy, but I think it was good for us. We were forced to live in the moment.”
“With no distractions,” Rose chipped in.
“Should we do no-phone weekends when we get back to Boston?” I asked.
We all looked at each other without saying anything, then Kennedy started laughing. “I think that’s a no.”
“Enough lessons already. We don’t want to miss our flight,” Rose said.
Kennedy shot out of bed. “No, we definitely do not. I mean, Oklahoma, I love you, but, Boston, I’m coming home.”
––––––––––
I scanned the room that the three of us had shared, empty of our belongings, ready for the next unsuspecting city girls. Had I checked the bedside cabinet? We were all packed up and about to head out.
“Shit, I didn’t check the shower,” Rose said as she brushed past me.
What was I going to do about the stones under my bed? I needed to slip them into Blake’s room. I wasn’t sure how I was going to do that without anyone seeing me.
“Got it.” Rose held up her razor.
As I came out of the bedroom, weighed down with luggage, I almost ran into Blake.
“Hey,” he said, sweeping his hand down my arm, before jerking it away when Rose followed me onto the landing. “Let me help you with that.” He took my suitcase, brushing his fingers over mine as he took the handle. “Girls, leave your stuff there and I’ll take it downstairs.”
“You’re kind, good looking with guns that could kill a man. Be careful, Blake, you’re an endangered species.” Kennedy winked and my stomach flipped. She was right. No doubt he had girls lining up around the block for him.
Blake grinned but didn’t comment as he led the way downstairs with my suitcase.
We gathered by the front door, waiting to say our final good-byes before heading to the airport. I watched as Blake sprinted back up the stairs, taking them two at a time. He appeared seconds later with Rose’s bag.
Now or never.
“Crap, I didn’t check under my bed. Hang on a second.”
Blake’s heat radiated over me from behind as he followed me up the stairs. When I got to the top, I whispered, “I want to give you something.”
He grabbed me by the hips, spun me around and trailed his tongue along the seam of my lips. My knees fizzed and I started to lose my balance. Pushing my hands into his hair, I savored the last time I’d ever feel his skin, his warmth, his safety under my fingertips.
The sound of a car horn broke us apart, and I took a deep breath, trying to steady my pulse. I placed my hand on his chest. “I actually do have something to give you.” I left him on the landing, went back into my bedroom, and pulled out the grocery bag from under my bed.
When I turned, he was in the doorway. “Open it later.” I shrugged wondering whether or not I should have handed the stones over. “It’s just silly.” Maybe I shouldn’t have done this. In the cold light of day, it was too much, too sentimental.
His eyes were wide as he took the bag from me. “I don’t know—”
“I just wanted some way to—”
“Mackenzie,” Kennedy called from downstairs.
“Anyway. You’re great. I’m going to miss you.” I lifted up on my tiptoes and kissed him on the cheek.
“I was thinking about Boston,” Blake said, hesitating on the landing. He was always so sure when he was around me. So in control. But I could see doubt in his eyes. “If I end up there, we could meet up …”
My mouth dropped open as he spoke.
Meet up? Him. Me. More?
I didn’t know if I was thrilled or terrified.
He fixed his stare on my cheekbone almost as if he might be nervous to see my reaction. “You know, grab some dinner.”
I didn’t answer and his eyes flicked to my mouth as he waited for a reply. How did I respond? I desperately wanted to fling my arms around him and say of course, but I knew I couldn’t, shouldn’t. I hadn’t even left Love Rehab yet and already the temptation of falling back into old patterns had begun. I shouldn’t get serious with every guy that came along. I’d learned that lesson. What I needed was to enjoy the journey, but keep my destination in mind. Blake was to be a perfect memory, evidence of how good it could be if I found the right guy. I couldn’t risk fucking that up. “You’ve decided, then? On Boston?” I asked.
He took half a step back, his hand sliding from my hip. “I … no. But I think I’m going to go up and see some labs.”
“Mackenzie!” Kennedy shouted. “Get down here.” Jeez, she could be impatient. I wanted to talk about this. Explain to him why it was a bad idea. Maybe have him convince me otherwise.
Because I was supposed to be single for a while, right?
Blake wasn’t the one I was allowed to walk off into the sunset with. Right?
Raised voices at the bottom of the stairs caught my attention. “Mackenzie?” A voice I was all too familiar with echoed up toward us.
Phil?
I glanced at Bla
ke, rooted to the spot. I wanted to freeze time, stay on the landing with him, rather than go downstairs and face my past.
“Where are you?” Kennedy asked as she climbed the stairs.
“Is he …?” I couldn’t say his name. I didn’t want it to be true. Didn’t want him intruding on my perfect memory of Oklahoma and Blake.
Her mouth pulled wide in a wince as she glanced at Blake. “Yeah. Looks like your fiancé wants you back.”
I wanted to hit pause so I had time to get to grips with everything that was happening. Blake. Phil. My past, future and present.
When I’d first arrived in Oklahoma, having Phil turn up at the ranch to declare his undying love was everything I could have wished for. I would have been happy just to receive a text from him. But now? Now he was here, at the bottom of the stairs. It was as if someone had rescued my burnt wooden plaque from the fire and offered me back my plan— my life before Love Rehab.
Kennedy and I exchanged a loaded glance. There was so much to say, but neither the time nor the words. She squeezed my hand. She knew this wasn’t the graduation present I’d been hoping for.
“You should go,” Blake said as he nodded. His gaze was on the floor, his expression bleak. He looked defeated. Was dinner in Boston really what he wanted? Did he want me?
I needed to talk to him, leave things perfect between us.
He glanced at Kennedy, then back at me and shook his head. “Good luck.” I watched as he turned and headed into his room.
I wanted to go after him, pepper him with questions, ask him his advice on what to do when a hot guy suggested dinner but you’d only known him a few days but suspected he might just change your whole world.
Was it real? Was it enough? Was he the ultimate test of my resolve of my commitment to lead a different life? If I could say no to him, surely it was proof that Love Rehab had changed me and I could be happy in the future.
Kennedy grabbed my shoulder, smiling. “This is it, Mackenzie. Phil coming here. Don’t you see?”
“What?” I couldn’t follow her train of thought. I was so lost in seeing Blake walk away from me.
Kennedy grabbed my other shoulder, holding me at arm’s length as she grinned. “Phil’s giving you your second chance.”
My stomach churned. A second chance with a man who I didn’t love? “You think I should get back together with Phil?” I asked.
“No, you dummy. He’s giving you a second chance at raising the horse’s leg. It’s your chance to put into practice what you’ve learned this week. Go tell him how you feel.”
I tipped my head back and stared at the ceiling. She was right. This was the ultimate test. Could I put my needs first? Could I ask for what I wanted? Could I truly give up on my plan and live what I’d learned at Love Rehab?
I nodded and we headed down the stairs. Phil was waiting for me at the bottom, clutching a bouquet of roses. My stomach dropped and twisted. He looked like a mirage I could see but never touch.
“There she is. Surprised to see me?” he asked.
Surprised didn’t come close. I forced a smile. Phil looked so out of place, his clothes too perfect, the gel in his hair unnecessary and his grin a little too wide, as if it took all his energy.
When I got to the bottom of the stairs, he handed me the roses. “What are you doing here?” I asked.
“I’m here to say I’m sorry.” He pulled me into a hug. “I don’t know what to say. I’ve been a fool and dumbass. I should never have let you go.”
“How did you find me?” I asked as I gently untangled myself from him.
Everyone busied themselves loading luggage into Barrett’s truck, conspicuously not listening to Phil and me.
“I was worried when I couldn’t get ahold of you, so I called your mother. She told me how much you’d like to see me, so I decided to come down and rescue you.”
My head whirred as he spoke. I didn’t need rescuing. I couldn’t get the words out.
“Am I forgiven?” he asked, a smattering of doubt crossing his face.
The urge to make him happy overwhelmed me. Years of molding myself to someone else’s tastes, of not asking for what I wanted, for suppressing my own needs and desires threatened to overtake everything I’d learned in the last few days. “Of course.” What else could I say after he’d come all this way? And it was true, he was more than forgiven. If he hadn’t called off the engagement, I would have never understood why marrying him wouldn’t have made me happy. Or seen the possibilities that life had to offer, that love had to offer.
I wouldn’t have met Blake. Being with him showed me everything I wanted for my future.
Phil’s expression and familiarity indicated that he thought the decision was made, that I’d be happy, even grateful, that he wanted to make things work.
This was it. This was where I was supposed to ask for what I wanted. Where I’d use everything I’d learned over the last couple of days and tell him that he’d been right when he’d said he didn’t know me. “You’re right,” I said. “We do need to talk.”
Mackenzie
“It’s good to see you,” Phil said as we pulled out onto the main road outside the ranch. Before I’d climbed into Phil’s rental, I’d swapped numbers and email addresses with Brianna and promised to keep her posted with my progress. As I’d hugged her good-bye, I’d kept my eye on the staircase, hoping for a last glimpse of Blake, but he’d disappeared.
“I didn’t know if you’d want to see me.” Phil reached across the console for my hand. “You know after …”
After he’d broken off our engagement. Dumped me on a public street minutes after I stood in my wedding dress.
After he told me he didn’t know me.
Didn’t love me.
I evaded his hand and slid my palms along my thighs. “You did the right thing.”
“No, Mackenzie.” His eyes darted between the road and my face. “I was an idiot and I’m so sorry. Things were moving so fast and I just panicked.”
“But that doesn’t mean it wasn’t the right decision. It was and I see that now.”
Phil’s eyebrows pulled together as he followed Barrett’s truck, Kennedy and Rose sitting in back, down the two-lane highway. “You see what now?”
“That calling off the wedding was the right decision,” I said, calm and secure in the knowledge that ending our relationship was the right thing to do.
“What, after a few nights in a different state, you’ve decided you don’t want to get married?”
I rolled down the window, wanting to soak up the last of Oklahoma’s magic from its warm breeze. I turned to Phil. “You were right. You didn’t know me. And that’s not your fault. It’s mine.”
The curtain had been lifted and there was no going back. I’d rather be on my own with the hope of something real than with Phil, living in the certainty of the fact that I’d never be the woman I could be.
“Of course I know you, Mackenzie. I love you.” He flipped down the visor, as if it were the sun and not me irritating him.
“I love seafood,” I said abruptly.
He shot me a sideways glance. “You hate seafood.”
“No, you hate seafood. I love it. I pretended I didn’t to make you happy.” It sounded ridiculous saying it out loud. As if liking seafood would have ended things between us. How could I have thought I could be happy when my world was built on such shaky foundations? When at every turn I denied the person I really was?
“What are you talking about? You told me you never ate it.”
“I know.” I tipped my head back on the rest. “It’s not your fault that you don’t know me. It’s mine. I never gave you a chance.”
“Okay, well, I don’t care that you like seafood.”
I looked at him and smiled. I should have put more trust in Phil—maybe we could have made it. If I’d let him in, dared to be me, it might have worked.
But it was too late now.
“I want you to be yourself,” he said.
; A sharp pain pierced my gut. My previous boyfriends had all thought they were with their perfect girl, because that’s what I’d shaped myself into. It wasn’t their fault that they hadn’t known me. It was entirely mine.
“I’m sorry. I’ve had some growing up to do. Still do.” I had nothing to lose by being honest with Phil. “I’ve been afraid to share too much, scared you wouldn’t like the person I am.”
Phil opened his mouth to speak, but I lifted up my finger to stop him. I didn’t need any incentive not to tell him the whole truth.
“I wanted you to fall in love with me so badly that I worked hard to be a woman you could fall in love with. Does that make sense?”
Phil glanced at me, the ridge between his eyes getting deeper, and his jaw tightened. “What are you saying, that you faked it?” He smacked his clenched fist on the door. “You faked our relationship?”
I took a deep breath. This wasn’t the best conversation to have while driving, but I couldn’t stop now. “I just wanted to make you happy.” It was how my mother had always been with my step-father—the woman she thought he wanted. She’d done what she needed to do, but my circumstances were different. I had the luxury of being myself. “And not just you. All my boyfriends. But it was always at the expense of who I was. You helped me see that.” I rested my hand on his outstretched arm. “Now, I just want to be me. I want someone to like me, love me, marry me for who I am. I want to be able to order the octopus and not worry what you’ll think.”
“I don’t give a shit what you order.” He sighed and gripped the steering wheel with both hands.
I smiled. “It’s more than just seafood. You were right. You don’t know me well enough to ever have loved me.”
I’d never offered any of myself to him. I’d never given him my opinion, told him about my preferences. My likes. My passions.
I’d only ever done that with Blake.
“So what does that mean for us?” Phil clicked his jaw, and I wilted in my seat. I wasn’t used to men being frustrated with me. Memories of my father shouting at my mother before he left flashed through my head, threatening my newfound resolve.
But I wasn’t a child anymore and Phil wasn’t my father.