by Becca Taylor
"Where are you?" Lexi asks.
"Home. In the bathroom."
"Where's she?"
"Passed out." I don't want to talk about Gabby. I want to know why, out of all her friends, she called me.
"Tonight was fun. Did you have a good time?" She asks it casually, like calling me is no big deal. When she hasn’t called me, ever.
"Beach, barbecue, friends. How could it be a bad time?"
She laughs. "Did you like my game?"
"Drinking games are always good."
"Truth or dare?" she asks, as if she wants to continue with the game we were playing at Aly's house earlier in the evening. I think for a moment. Should I answer her? Hell, no. Should I tell her to go to sleep? Probably. But I’m not thinking with the right head tonight.
"Truth." Dammit.
"Did you wish you had been able to do any of those dares on me?"
Her idea of truth or dare included me licking her friend. People kissing. And Aly removing Bentley’s shirt with no hands. So, fuck yeah, I wanted that. "Yes."
"Me too." She says it so softly that I almost didn't hear it. Fucking hell. She's going to be the death of me again. Yet at the same time, her saying it makes me feel alive again.
"Your turn, Lex. Truth or dare." What are you doing, asshole? Your woman is in the next room, and you should be taking care of her.
"Truth, but if I was there, I would pick dare."
Goddammit. Why can’t she be the one in my bed? And why am I even thinking this?
"Was it just a good fuck for you?" I wait for her answer. This is a dangerous game because, either way, her reply will ruin me.
"No. It was the best night of my life. But it can’t happen again,” Lexi says, just before the line goes dead, and she’s gone again. Those are the last words she says to me. My heart stops. I want to punch the wall. No, it makes me want to head right back to her and finish her game, but I can't. Instead, I head back to the bedroom to crash for the night. The minute I get in bed, Gabby stirs from under the covers.
"Hunter."
"I'm here."
"I think I'm going to be sick."
It is enough to bring me out of the moment. Maybe this is my punishment for talking to Lexi and for what I felt a minute ago. For the second time that night, I sit in the bathroom. Only this time isn't as much fun.
A COUPLE’S DINNER at Caleb’s house is where we are headed. That fact that I practically have to drag Gabby along did not start the night out right. My friends insist we come to celebrate. I’m not sure exactly what, but I think because everyone is finally settling down. Though I never thought I’d see the day that three of my boys were taken. Caleb and Kat worked it out, Bentley and Aly decided to give it a try, and Jeremy even found himself a good one in Deanna. All the girls, except Gabby, are inside while the guys sit on the lanai talking. When they said couple’s night, I didn’t think Lexi would be here with some guy.
Tyler. I want to hate him, but he’s a lot like me. The only time he pisses me off is when he touches her. Which is one too many times. It shouldn’t affect me like it does—especially with my girl sitting next to me—but Gabby isn’t even paying attention. Mostly, she’s been texting my cousin all night. We make it almost completely through dinner until the other girls piss her off with a comment about food, and Gabby tells me she wants to leave. And since I’m done watching Tyler and Lexi paw at each other anyway, I agree it’s time to go.
“That was awful,” Gabby says as we drive home.
“Was it really that bad? The food was good.” I shouldn’t have asked. Next time, I will remember to keep my mouth shut.
“Yes, Hunter. It was that bad. Your friends don’t like me. They treat me like an outsider, but I’m your girlfriend. I was there before all those other girls were around. That one, what’s her name? Lexi. She’s the worst. Her comment about me not eating meat was rude.”
At the table, I silently laughed when Lexi said it because it was funny. It wasn’t bad, just that she couldn’t handle being vegetarian, something about being iron deficient. When I think about it again, I smirk.
Gabby notices. “You think it’s funny. I think she was trying to get a rise out of me. I saw the way she was eyeing you up, even with Tyler there.”
The grip on my steering wheel gets tighter. Gabby turns in her seat and stares at me.
“Oh, my God. She’s the one, isn’t she?”
Don’t say anything; just keep your mouth shut.
“Answer me, Hunter. Is she the tramp you cheated on me with?”
“I didn’t cheat on you; we were broken up.” You’re a fucking idiot.
“It was her. No wonder why she was nasty to me. How could you bring me there with her there? What were you thinking?”
I pull into her driveway and get out of the car. There is no way I will have this conversation in the middle of the complex. Gabby follows closely behind me up the stairs to her apartment. She slams it shut. At least we make it through the front door before Gabby starts laying into me again.
“I thought it was some random girl, not someone you and your friends know. She’s disgusting, Hunter. Why her? The way she hangs on men like she does. I hope you used protection because God knows what she could have given you.”
I’ve had enough. “Shut it, Gabby.”
She stops talking when I yell and runs to the bedroom. Fuck my life. Just fuck it.
On my way to the bedroom, I take deep breaths to calm myself. Gabby is curled on the bed, crying. Sitting on the edge, I put my hand on her leg.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell like that.”
Her body shudders with a sob. Once again, guilt riddles me. This is my life, and it’s time to man up. Tell her it all, or at least tell her most of it.
“You want the truth?” I ask Gabby.
“Yes, no more holding back. I told you everything that happened. It’s your turn to tell me.”
“It was the night of Aly’s birthday party. I would like to say I was drunk, but I’d only had a few drinks. She was there, and it wasn’t a big deal. I swear. It was only that night. I didn’t know she would be there tonight. It’s over.”
She sits up, wipes the tears from her eyes. “You promise?”
“I promise, Gabby. I’m not going anywhere.”
SINCE THE DAY I came clean to Gabby about Lexi, everything between us has changed. In the beginning, we were doing fine, great even. Fun Gabby came out again, at least when it was the two of us. She became the girl that she was when we began dating. Unfortunately, slowly, both of us began to withdraw from one another. It wasn’t long before it felt like it used to. Sex was never important to Gabby. In fact, she’s shy in bed. When she denied me one too many times, I stopped trying.
In the last month, my work schedule has grown hectic again. While it gives me an excuse to have time away from her, it made the jealous version of Gabby return. If I work more than a minute longer than normal, she questions me.
“Where were you?”
“Who were you with?”
“Why are you home so late?”
She tells me she has every reason not to trust me and throws the night with Lexi in my face. It’s getting tiresome. I feel like I’ve aged beyond my twenty-eight years. While the words “I love you” were never spoken between Gabby and me, it’s getting to the point that most days I don’t even like her. Even more, I hate myself for staying with her. The thought of walking away has crossed my mind more often than not.
Just as I am finishing dinner, Gabby shows up dressed to go out with her friends, ones I don’t care to be around since all they do is give me dirty looks. All of them know about me sleeping with someone else; Gabby made sure of it. They glance over the fact that we’d broken up; it wasn’t important in their “Hunter is a dick” scenario.
My eyes stay focused on the game on the televison, barely listening as Gabby rambles on about the drama in her life. My phone buzzes with a text from Bentley.
Don’t forget practic
e tomorrow night.
“Is that her?” I look up from my phone over to Gabby.
“No.” I know if I say anything more, she will turn to crazy mode.
“Is that why you won’t come out tonight? Are you going to see her?” She begins twisting the ring on her left hand. The first time she wore it again was the night of dinner at Caleb’s house. It’s the ring she saw in a jewelry store when we first lived together—the one I told her to buy, just to get her to stop talking about it nonstop. I never said it was an engagement ring, and I sure as hell never got down on one knee and proposed. In truth, I handed her my credit card, and a few hours later, she came back sporting a shiny, two-carat diamond “engagement ring”. I was just too much of an idiot to correct her, but for fuck’s sake, we are definitely not engaged.
I was blind back then. Slowly, I’m starting to realize that I’ve been going about my life with Gabby wrong. I stayed quiet for far too long. I knew her true personality. For some reason, I ignored it. For what? Because I didn’t want to be alone. Now, all I want is to be alone.
Not wanting to lose my cool, I take a deep breath. I know if I do, she’ll cry, I’ll feel like shit, and we’ll go back to square one. Instead, I toss the phone at her. “Look for yourself. It was Bentley.”
I know she constantly checks my phone, but there is nothing to see.
“You could have erased it,” she says as she swipes through both my messages and call log.
“I told you I haven’t heard from her again.”
From what I’ve heard in conversations, Lexi has been hanging out with Tyler a lot lately. Even the girls don’t see her that much. The truth is I haven’t seen or talked to Lexi since Caleb’s house, which is too many hours, days, and months ago to count. Yet I’m still trying to defend myself to Gabby. Until she starts yelling again, I almost forget she is here.
“Is that why Bentley was texting you? I know he is friends with her, and you see her a lot when you go out with that group. Are you meeting them somewhere tonight, Hunter?”
She’s delusional. “No, Gabby. I was just going to sit and watch the ball game. Maybe have a beer. Bentley was reminding me of a gig and practice tomorrow. You just read the message. Is that okay with you that I go out? Look at you, you’re going out tonight. Yet I only go to work or stay home,” I say, punctuating the last sentence. That’s when I push it too far for her.
“No, Hunter, it’s not okay with me. I’m sick of your stupid gigs. You never have time to go out with me, but you make time for them and your high school band. I don’t know why you keep doing these so-called gigs. It’s not like you are going anywhere with them. You guys don’t even want to do anything with your stupid music. Is she going, too? Tell me, Hunter.”
I stand still as she yells in my face and pushes at my chest.
“Gabby, just go.” I’m not going to argue with her when she’s in this mindset. I will never lay a hand on a woman, but I’m not going to take it from her.
She says my name like it’s the evilest of words. “No, Hunter. I will not go. I want you to cancel your gig and quit the band. I’m tired of worrying about you sleeping with those groupie slut girls. You should be with me on the weekends, not them.” She picks up my beer off the table and smashes it on the tile floor.
The way she demands it almost makes me want to laugh at her. For all I care, she can smash all the bottles in my house. For one, I will never quit playing with Slither. Some of the best times of my life have been with that band. It’s how Caleb, Bentley, Jeremy, Josh, and I became tight. Second, she can yell at me all she wants, but calling Kat, Aly, or even Lexi a slut … they don’t deserve that. I walk around her and open the door. “Get out.”
Gabby’s tone changes immediately, and the crying routine begins. “I’m sorry, Hunter. I just get mad when I think about you sleeping with that girl.”
Every damn weekend, she tells me the same thing, trying to make me feel guilty for what I did. Well, I am done with the guilt. I did nothing wrong. We weren’t together.
“Just go, Gabby. I don’t want to fight tonight.”
She grabs her purse. “Okay, I’ll go. Will I see you tomorrow after your practice?”
When she looks at me with those sad eyes, I usually cave. Tonight, it’s not happening. “I’m not sure. I need some time alone.”
I’ve been suffocating. It’s almost the same feeling as when my lung collapsed when I was a teenager playing football. If I don’t do something now, the feeling will only get worse.
“Are you leaving me? You can’t leave me, Hunter. I can’t live without you. I promise I won’t talk about it again.”
When she lies, I grab the door handle a little tighter. Nothing will ever change with Gabby. Tomorrow, this will happen again. It will happen the day after that. For my own sanity, I need a break. “I’ll talk to you in a few days. Right now, I just need you to go.”
She leans in to kiss me, but I turn my head, and she winds up kissing my cheek instead.
“Okay, I’ll go. I love you, though.” And there it is. The first time the “L” word comes into play.
When she leaves, I slam the door. After I clean up the mess she made on my floor, I head to the only room that will calm my anger. Here I am, pounding it out to “For You” by Staind as I get lost. While I continue drumming song after song, memories flood my head. Only they aren’t about Gabby, but about the woman who haunts my dreams instead of causing my nightmares.
I finish the song and toss my sticks against the wall. The hour I spent in here didn’t help my frustration. The questions that keep running through my head don’t help either. Why did I go back to Gabby again? Why do I keep choosing the worst women for me? Most of all, I wonder why the fuck I can’t have the one I want? The only answer I have for myself is that I’m not a quitter. I never quit anything in my whole life. That’s why I call my life a nightmare because if it’s not, then I’m actually living in hell.
POUNDING. MY FEET hit the sand one by one. Music is booming through the speakers and into my ears, with my speed matching the beat of “Animal I Have Become.” My thoughts are still erratic, running around in my head. Looking for a place to escape, I’ve spent my vacation visiting my mom and her new husband. It’s what I need.
Time away.
Time to think.
Time to breathe.
I've been running for what seems like hours, and only one thing became clear. Gabby and I are over. In all honesty, I checked out a long time ago. I went from one serious relationship to another, and it’s been slowly eating me alive. That's not the man my mom raised me to be.
Sliding the glass door open, I step inside and grab a bottle of cold water from the fridge. My body is tired from both the exertion I put it through and my mental anguish. I sit on the stool at the counter and breathe. The kitchen smells amazing from the feast Mom is cooking for me since it's my last night here. It smells like home.
"Did you work everything out?" She hands me a meatball wrapped in a paper towel that she cooled on the spoon rest; the same way she always has done, and the way my nonna did with her.
"Work what out?"
"Hunter, I'm your mother. I know something is going on, and I know you haven't wanted to talk about it."
She gets me.
"You want the short version?"
"I'd like something. You’ve been quiet the whole week," she says as she adds the meatballs and sausage to her homemade sauce on the stove.
"It's over with Gabby."
"Hallelujah!"
I wasn’t exactly expecting that reaction. Mom always seemed to get along with Gabby, and what's more, Gabby liked my mom.
"It's about time that ended."
"I thought you liked her."
She puts the spoon down and turns the stove to low. She’s letting the flavors combine, getting it ready for the lasagna I know she’s making tonight. "I tolerated her for your sake; there’s a difference. She’s not your match. There is someone better for you out there."
That someone is the reason I've been running ten miles a day. Lexi and I have been doing the same dance for too long. She flirts, and I play it like it means nothing. "You're always right, Mom."
"If I'm right, you probably already met that someone."
I don't reply to that comment.
"I'm going to hit the shower." I stand, letting her know the conversation is over.
"Hunter."
I turn back around to face her.
"I know I shouldn't say this because I'm your mother, but you need time to be free. You were always too serious, even as a little boy. That's my fault. I raised you alone, and you lacked a male figure in your life. I showed you the stable part of life and not the fun side."
I kiss her forehead. "You did good, Ma."
"I did the best I could. Don't jump into anything too fast. You're a young, good-looking man. Do what young men do—be single and let loose for a while." She fucking winks. This is not the advice a mother should be giving her son. She is giving me the okay to screw around, and I really don't want to have that talk with her again. The one she gave me when I was sixteen was enough. One afternoon, she walked into the room when my hands were up my girlfriend's shirt, and my tongue was down her throat. It was months after I’d had sex for the first time with Amber. We were horny teenagers, fucking like bunnies whenever Mom was at work: in the car and even behind the bleachers after we won a football game.
“But don’t forget to always wear protection.” There’s the mom comment I was waiting for.
The next morning, I leave for home. I've ignored every one of Gabby's texts and phone calls. It doesn’t surprise me when I pull up to my house and find her waiting in the driveway. I walk to the front door, insert the key, and step aside to let her enter first. One deep breath and it’s go time.
"I was afraid you wouldn't let me in." She looks soft again, like the girl I once knew. I force that down, reminding myself what I need to do. I sit on the couch, and she follows, sitting next to me.
"We're long overdue for a talk."