by PE Kavanagh
“Yes, I did. Because I think the same thing about you. I mean I’ve seen you so many different ways: first date Lola, sweats Lola, apple-picking Lola, red dress Lola that nearly disabled me, even just-woken-up Lola. I keep waiting for you to be a little less attractive, and it’s not happening.”
“Why do you want me to be less attractive?”
He lifted up on his side again and looked directly into her eyes. “So that I wouldn’t have to think about having sex with you every single minute of my life.”
Lola lifted her head to kiss him, which dissolved all the distance from their cool, neutral conversation. When he moved her back onto the pillow and brought his body above her, she felt him, almost immediately, pressing against her leg. He brought his mouth to her jaw, then down the front of her neck.
“I’d love to see shirtless Aidan, if that’s available.” He sat up and took off the shirt she had been stroking the whole night. Skin was better. Much better.
“Fire,” she whispered, as she sat up with him to caress his chest. Her fingers followed the fine V of hair that moved from the center of his chest, into a line at the top of his shorts. He looked like he could have been carved, every muscle distinct in his chest and belly. She thought of licking him and brought her face to one of his nipples. Instead, she put it in her mouth and bit lightly.
He responded with a trembling groan. He slid his hands underneath her sweatshirt and lifted it over her head. A thin camisole was the only thing covering her breasts. He looked right through it, then ran his hand from her throat, down the left breast, which he softly squeezed. As he brought his head down, she whispered, “Skin is better.”
He took the camisole off and they sat facing each other bare chest to bare chest. The air between their bodies electrified.
He placed his hand on her mid back and laid her down. Drawing her arms up above her head, he kissed and licked and sucked his way around her neck and chest. When he gave one of her nipples a flick with his tongue, she tightened her grip on the piece of bedding under her palm. She had almost forgotten how good it felt to have a man enjoy her body.
“Wow. You even taste good, Lola. I’d like to devour you.”
“Yes, please.” His mouth continued down toward her navel, where he lingered. His warm breath radiated into her entire torso. When he kissed just above the hem of her sweatpants, and slowly moved them down with his lips, she shuddered. "Yes…"
Knock, knock, knock.
They both jumped.
Knock, knock, knock!
It was definitely someone at the door.
“What the fuck??” she said.
“Lola, it’s me!” She recognized the voice. “Let me in, or I’ll open the door myself!”
Lola ran to the front door, still topless and out of breath. “Hold on, Maddie. Give me a second!” Her body pulsed with anger.
Aidan walked out of the bedroom, her sweatshirt in his hand, with a sizable bulge in his black briefs. He knew better than to say anything.
Lola pulled on her top and opened the door.
Dangling in Maddie’s outstretched arms were Lola’s stilettos from the night before. “You forgot your shoes.”
“Mads, have you lost your mind? This has gone too far.”
Maddie’s head dropped. “I know. I'm sorry. I realized halfway here that this was insane, but I was already halfway here and I didn’t know what to do.” Tears rolled down on her cheeks.
“What’s going on with you?”
Maddie wiped her running nose. “I feel like… I’m losing my mind, Lo. Maybe the hormones… And I was so worried about you.” She stopped talking and looked up. “He’s still here…”
“Yes, he’s still here.”
Aidan peeked his head around the bedroom door and lifted his hand in greeting. Maddie returned the wave, then moved into the hallway out of sight.
“Ugh, I'm so embarrassed. Tell him I'm sorry.”
Lola hugged her hard, feeling her body shake in gentle sobs. “It’s okay, honey. It’s okay. I know you’re just watching out for me. Where’s Trev?”
“He was soooo mad at me this morning. He went to church. Didn’t even say goodbye.”
“You wanna stay here until he gets home?”
“No. You should have time with Aidan. You deserve this. I trust you if you trust him. I'm gonna head back.”
“I’ll call you later. Love you.”
“Love you!”
Maddie disappeared down the hallway and into the elevator lobby.
Lola turned around to find Aidan standing in the living room, fully dressed, hands in his pockets.
Lola brought her palm to her throbbing forehead. “Sorry about that.”
“I’m sorry too. That was intense.”
“Yeah… I don’t want you to think she’s a bad person. She’s the best person I know. Just going through a tough time.”
“I get it, Lola. She loves you to death. It’s not a bad thing. And maybe it was actually a good thing.”
Something clenched in the center of her chest. “What do you mean by that?”
He jammed his hands further in his pockets. “What you said to me last night… I remember.”
“I said a lot of things.”
“I mean the part about us having sex. And maybe we would wait.”
“Is that really what I said?” All the heat from her body gathered around her throat.
“That’s what I heard.”
“That’s what you wanted to hear. Because that’s what you’ve been saying to me.” He tightened his lips and took a breath. She continued. “So you’re glad we were interrupted?”
“Not at the time, no. But now, maybe.”
This, she did not expect from him. All the awkward discomfort came flooding back, carried on a wave of rising anger. “You realize I’m not asking you for anything, right? You don’t have to say the fact that nothing happened was for the best. It just was, that’s all.”
“Fuck, Lola. I'm trying to be a good guy, here. I'm trying to do the right thing.”
“According to whom? You’re acting like there’s some kind of contract. We have no contract, Aidan. It couldn’t even be called an agreement. It’s nothing.” She walked past him into the kitchen and poured a glass of water. She was used to games, but this guy had taken it to another level.
He turned to face her, but did not take a step. “I don’t understand why you’re upset. What did I say that was so wrong?”
The huge vacillation between their intimate moment, the surprise visit from Maddie, and this conversation created a tremor in her body. Taking small sips of water was not helping her calm down. “What’s your issue, Aidan? I mean you’re chasing me, then you’re backing away, then you’re trying to prove how much you want me. Well, which one is it?” She was speaking louder than she wanted to and grateful for the half wall that separated them.
His shoulders fell. “I’m sorry. I get why you see it that way. I told you I'm a little… conflicted.”
“That’s fine, Aidan. There’s nothing to be certain about at this point. It’s all conflict.” What could she say to make this go away?
“No, it’s uncertainty. The conflict is… personal.”
“I don’t know what to tell you.” What the hell was going on with this man? What kind of demons was he battling?
He turned, searching the floor and put on his shoes. “I want to reiterate what a great time I had last night. Being with you has been… amazing. You aren’t at all what I was expecting.”
How could you expect anything from someone you don’t know?
“Have a wonderful Sunday, Lola." She didn’t budge as he walked toward the door. Maybe they were both expecting the other to stop this departure. Standing in the now open door, he turned to look at her. “And please tell Maddie that I’d protect you just as fiercely.”
Her mouth opened to form the word 'bye' only after the door closed.
What had just happened?
“It was so weird, Mad
die. One minute we’re making out, the next he’s acting like he’s broken a celibacy covenant. With God. I mean, he was so serious. This guy is doing my head in. And it’s only been three weeks. That’s not a good sign, is it?”
Maddie sat across from her, not even looking down to take a sip of her coffee, just listening. The coffee shop was quiet enough that they could speak softly.
Lola continued. “I feel like there’s some backstory or complication that he isn’t talking about. He’s definitely got secrets.”
“You sound like you’re describing your fictional characters. Your life isn’t a novel, Lo.”
“It feels like it sometimes. What do you think?”
“Here a possibility: He’s married and feels guilty about stepping out on his family.”
“I’ve been to his house. No wife to be found.”
“Maybe he’s hidden them out in the suburbs.”
“Unlikely. What else you got?”
“He’s impotent.”
“I don’t have a lot of evidence, but I would say no.” Good and bad memories mingled in Lola's mind.
Maddie wagged her finger. “Okay, maybe sex triggers some sort of PTSD.”
“Hmmmm… I could see that.”
“Or he’s just plain scared shitless. Like we all are.”
Lola shook her head. “I get that, but there’s something more. In so many ways, he’s been really open with me. I'm not getting a lot of ‘game’ vibe. And I'm pretty sure he’s attracted to me.”
“He’s super into you, Lo. I was watching him the whole night. He looked at you like a lost puppy. Or a stalker. That boy is totally into you.”
“So then what’s holding him back?”
Maddie shook her head. “I wish I knew. Why not just ask him straight out?”
“Because that would require me to be a completely different person. One who wasn’t terrified and constantly unsure of the right thing to do.”
“That’s bull, babe. You’re a total powerhouse. At least you used to be. You need to learn how to trust yourself again.”
Lola ran her fingers over the container of sugar packets. “I’m not sure if I’ll ever hear from him again.”
“It’s not done yet. I might not have your spidey sense, but even I can see that.”
Lola pressed her lips together. “I hope you’re right. Because when we connect, it’s like nothing I’ve experienced in a really long time. Maybe ever. He’s extraordinary, Mads. Like the perfect man.”
“Oh, Lo…” Maddie sniffled. “This is serious, girl. I think that’s part of what had me spun up last night. The way you two were with each other, it was crazy. It kind of scared me. It reminded me of-”
Lola’s hand flew up in front of her own face. “Don’t say it.”
Maddie exhaled. “Okay. You’re right. I don’t need to think every guy is going to go psycho on you. But the way he looked at you…”
“Like what?” Maybe she hadn’t been as aware as she thought of everything going on that night.
“This guy is falling in love with you. Like head over heels. Probably already has.”
Lola shook her head. “I trust you, Mads. And I’m not saying I don’t believe you, but he’s not acting like it. He’s acting like he can’t decide whether he wants to be with me or not.”
“Well, maybe he had other plans than falling in love. Maybe it’s just a timing issue.”
“I really wish I could figure it out.”
“Don’t worry, Lo. I didn’t mean to say it was going to be the same as Scott. It’s not.”
“It doesn’t feel the same. They are completely different men.” Lola tried to project as much certainty into her statement as she could.
“You’re right. I’m sorry. Especially for how I behaved last night. And this morning. I can’t believe you’re still speaking to me. I’m so embarrassed.”
“It’s okay, babe. I know it’s love.”
“Actually, it’s nuts. Which is one of the reasons why we’ve decided to stop.”
“We? What?”
“Trev and I are going to put the whole baby thing on hold. I realized, standing in front of your door, how much my mind was slipping away. We’re going to put it on pause, maybe six months, and see how we feel after that. And we’re totally out of money anyway.”
Lola reached over to take her friend’s hand. “Whatever you want, Maddie. I'm down for whatever you want to do. You know that.”
“I do. You’ve always been there for me.”
“I think it’s you who’s always been there for me. You know, as Aidan was leaving, he told me to tell you that he’d protect me as fiercely as you did.”
“I could see that.” Maddie squeezed Lola’s hand. “You deserve the best, Lo. I don’t know if it’s Aidan or not, but I don’t think we can rule anything out yet.”
Lola took a gulp of the coffee that had gone cold. She didn’t think her friend had gotten it exactly right, but there was no denying that something was wrong with the man she was falling for.
8
Far Away and Getting Closer
LOLA DID NOT expect to see Aidan’s number popping up on her phone Monday morning. The way he’d walked out of her apartment still left a bitter taste, and her talk with Maddie hadn’t gotten her any closer to solving the mystery that was Aidan Connelly. She considered not picking up, but swiped anyway.
Her hand shook as she lifted the phone to her ear. “Hi.”
“Hey, Lola. How’s your Monday going?”
“Fine. I'm a little less stressed at work. And you?”
“Good. I'm good.” He didn’t sound good. “I’ve been thinking about you.”
She didn’t respond.
“I, uh… I wanted to tell you that I'm heading down to Florida. To see my folks.”
“Are they okay?”
“Yeah, mostly. My dad had a small procedure and I'm going down to lend a hand. Nothing serious.”
“Okay.” She wasn’t sure what else to say.
“I’ve been thinking about you,” he repeated.
“Aidan…”
“I’d love to see you, but I’ll be gone all week. Probably till the middle of next week or so.”
“No problem. Of course you should be there.”
“I’ll call when I get back, okay? Then we’ll plan something.”
“Sure.”
It was good to hear his voice. Even his sadness, which pressed on her, did not dampen how much she wanted to reach through the phone and touch him. She wanted to find something supportive and understanding to say, but failed to find any words.
“Have a great week,” he said.
“You too. Safe travels. Maybe dip your toes in the ocean.”
“That sounds great. Take care, Lola.”
She stood, staring at her phone for a few minutes. Why did this man have such a hold on her? Why did she feel like he was the one who needed protecting?
* * *
He surprised her for the second time that day when he called that night.
She didn’t want to be so happy to hear from him, but she couldn't stop the wide smile on her face. “How’s your dad feeling?”
“He’s good. Wanting to show everyone the scar on his ass. He’s quite a character.”
“Hmmm… how surprising.”
“What are you insinuating there?”
“Oh… nothing.”
“Hmmmm… Well, sorry for calling so late. I guess I just wanted to hear your voice one more time.”
She turned away from the phone, hoping he hadn’t heard her sharp inhale. The clock in the kitchen read a few minutes after eleven. “Yeah, those of us working stiffs need to get some sleep.”
“Bummer.”
“You’re telling me.”
“I guess I should let you go, then.”
“Yup.”
The phone line stayed silent as she watched the second hand of the clock. “Thanks for calling, Aidan. Have a good night.”
“Good night, Lola
.”
* * *
For the rest of the week, every night after his parents went to bed, Aidan called her. They spoke for hours, having the conversations that had been too difficult in person. The veil of physical distance let them be open, honest and caring with each other. With each minute, ear to ear, their relationship deepened and sweetened.
Lola awoke on Saturday morning with a smile on her face, eagerly anticipating the beautiful morning drive with Maddie to her stepbrother’s house. When Aidan’s number appeared on her phone, it was just another piece of good news.
“Happy Saturday,” he said.
“You too. What’s happening in Mom-and-Dad land?”
“Dad’s feeling much better. He wants to go out to eat. So we’re going to the pancake house. I’m telling you Lola, it’s wild and crazy down here.”
“I see. It sounds fun, actually.”
“It is. They are great to be around. And I'm catching up on all my TV shows. You wouldn’t believe how many different kinds of shows there are now. Amazing.”
“I think you are secretly loving every minute of it. All that quiet time to ponder your deep thoughts.”
“There’s only one thing I'm pondering. But I'm guessing you already knew that.”
I can only hope. “I couldn’t begin to guess what’s in the vast universe that is Aidan’s mind.”
“Are you headed off to your brother’s soon?”
“Yes, I'm going to swing by Maddie’s in about an hour.”
“Are you excited?”
“Yes. It’s always nice to spend time there. They take good care of me.”
“I’m glad to hear that. Maybe one day, if I earn it, I’ll be invited?”
“No promises.”
“Yes, I remember.”
“I wish you were here.” She couldn't believe she said it out loud.
“You do?” He sounded hopeful and surprised.
“I would let you feed me.”
His soft laugh came through the phone.“That would be the most wonderful thing in the world. Rain check?”
“Absolutely. I-”
He pre-empted her statement. “I miss you, Lola. I’ve loved hanging with my folks, but our calls, every day, have been amazing. Everything’s been so… easy.”