by Ryan Michele
Buzz brings his hands to my cheeks and pulls me to him, landing a hard kiss on my lips. I have to remind myself that I have things in my hands and not to drop them. The more he kisses me, the more I want to say screw it and let it all fall to the ground.
When he releases me, I gasp for breath. Then Buzz takes the food and drinks from me and sets them on a side table.
“Wow,” I say to myself.
“Yeah, baby. Wow isn’t the half of it. Come here.”
I go, and he shows me exactly what it means to get the ever-loving-shit kissed out of me. His lips devour mine, and I try to keep up, but with Buzz, it’s always him leading.
I melt into him. He kisses me deeper.
When he pulls away, my knees wobble. I have a hard time keeping upright, even gripping his shirt.
“That’s a hell of a thank you,” I say between gasps.
“Bella, that’s nothin’.” He motions to the empty seat, and I take it.
I notice all the screens are blacked out, which is good. It was the one thing I worried about when I put this plan in motion. Buzz is already in trouble for me; I don’t need to cause him anymore. And I didn’t want to know.
I can’t help the nerves coming back. We haven’t really been together in a few days. Yes, we spend our nights together, but he’s been so busy I rarely see him. Not to mention, I don’t have a clue what I am doing with this talking and hanging. This idea is a leap for me.
I reach for the bag and pull out the two sandwiches and chips, placing them in front of him.
“Thanks,” he says with a smile that warms me from the inside out, helping to settle some of those nerves.
“So, this is your hiding place,” I joke, feeling the need to break the tension. Not the tension in the room; that’s not there. It’s the tension within myself.
“Yep,” is all he says, so I try something else as I open my sandwich.
“You getting whatever it is done?” Damn, it sounds as if I want him to tell me what he is doing and that’s not it at all. “No,” I say before he can start. “That’s not what I …” I leave the half-opened sandwich on the table and look up at Buzz. “I’m no good at this stuff, Buzz. You say I’m yours and you’re mine; I get that. I like that, but I don’t know how to do it. In the past—”
“Stop,” he orders harshly, and I jolt. “Don’t wanna hear about your past, Bella. Can’t stand the thought of someone touching you. I hear it, I’ll wanna kill ’em. Best to keep that to yourself.”
“You’re not getting what I’m saying.” Frustration leaks out of me.
“Bella, I don’t know the first thing about this shit, either. The thing is … We don’t change just because I’ve claimed you. We still talk; we still hang out and do that movie thing you like when I can. Right now, shit’s hard because I’m busy. Stick by me, and we’ll get through it.”
“And once it’s done?”
He lets out a breath. “Then we finally breathe easy.”
“I’d like that.”
“Me, too, babe. More than you know. We’ll figure all that out in time. Right now, we live day by day, minute by minute. You brought me dinner and that sweet body of yours. Can’t ask for more, Bella.”
Warmth spreads through me like ivy, and I cling to it. “Right.”
Buzz digs into his sandwich, taking a bite that encompasses a fourth of it. I may have to give him mine.
“What’s goin’ on with school?” he asks after swallowing.
“It’s good. I took my last final online and passed. But it was open notes; those don’t really count.” I shrug.
“The fuck they don’t. You be happy you did that shit, Bella. That’s an accomplishment.”
Damn warmth again.
“Thanks.”
“Welcome. What else?”
“I’m off for a while. I’ve been piling on classes and only have four left until my business degree.”
“What’re ya gonna do with that?” he asks, inhaling another fourth of his sandwich.
“I have no idea. Now that I’ve had all the classes, I really don’t want to sit in an office all day. I’m good at strategizing and stuff. I thought about maybe trying marketing or planning or something. My dad wanted me to go to school and get my degree. Had it not been for him and leaving that shit in his will, I don’t know if I would have stuck it out.”
“Will?”
“Yeah, in there, he stated that I must finish college.” Buzz raises a brow. “I know, it’s not admissible in court like that, but he wanted it. I want to give it to him, even if he’ll never see it. I’ll still know that I did what would make him proud, and he left me the money for it, so I can’t complain. Now what I’m going to do with the rest of my life, I have no clue.”
“We’ll figure that shit out.”
It feels nice to have someone here and on my side to bounce ideas off of and just talk. I love that it’s Buzz sitting across from me. This right here is the best gift in the world, but it also scares the hell out of me.
I never let the others in. Ever. Yes, they had my body, and I took pleasure from it, but I didn’t have this with any other man. Talking. Hanging out. None of the previous got that from me.
I’m not sure what to do with that now. I guess I’ll do what I always do and just roll with it. I’m obviously not going anywhere for a while.
My heart thunders at the thought of being with Buzz here for the long-term.
Damn, my thoughts are so jumbled I’m confusing my damn self.
“Princess tells me that this Shaina woman caused a lot of shit to go down.” I take a bite of my sandwich, which is so different from his bite.
Buzz proceeds to tell me about Shaina, leaving out some big chunks of the story but giving me enough to understand the situation.
“And Breaker is with her now? At least, that’s what Angel told me. Breaker hasn’t been around much since she came, so I’m assuming that’s true.”
Buzz shakes his head. “I’m not sure what the fuck is goin’ on with that shit. He hasn’t been down here since she got here, and I haven’t had time to hunt his ass down. What I do know is if it’s somethin’ real, that’s good for him.”
“You worry about him.” Thankfully, it comes out more as a statement than a question because this is a fact. I have seen it throughout my time with him.
“Shit, yeah, I do. If Shaina can pull him out of his ass, then more power to her. I know Angel isn’t pissed at her, and if anyone, that’s the person who should be. So it is what it is. Just gotta see how the hell it plays out.”
We finish eating with chatter between us, smiles glanced across the table, and I feel damn happy.
Thump, thump, thump, comes from the door, and it swings open to reveal Tug standing there, his face a mask.
“Church,” he says to Buzz. “Hey, Bella.” He waves then takes off.
“Gotta run, Bella.”
I nod, picking up the discarded wrappers and shoving them all in the bag. Buzz leads me out the door, kisses me hard, and he’s off. I’m left feeling happy, sad, and disappointed all wrapped in one.
“Come here,” Angel calls from the clubhouse.
I just came up to get something to eat. It’s been another one of those days, one I spent hanging out and not seeing Buzz much. While the girls are fun as hell to hang out with, I’m a loner for the most part. All that action makes me need a huge break.
I go to Angel, and she leads me down the hall to Breaker’s room and opens the door. Princess, Tanner, Blaze, and Shaina’s eyes all turn to me.
“Hey …” I say stupidly, waving my hand.
“I’m trying to get Shaina introduced to everyone, but since she won’t come out of this room, I’m bringing you guys to her,” Angel announces. “Shaina, this is Bella. Bella, Shaina.”
I give another wave. “Nice to meet ya.” I then give a wave to the other women in the room.
Shaina sits in a chair by the bed, her hands clasped together, holding them tight. Even sitting in th
e chair, I can tell she’s super tiny, like her feet barely touch the floor. Her long hair has a beautiful shine to it, and her face is gorgeous. But it’s her eyes that capture me. They aren’t cold necessarily, more like vacant or lost.
After hearing partially what happened to her, I feel for the woman.
“So, what’s goin’ on?” I ask the room.
“I’m trying to convince Shaina to come out into the clubhouse with me, and I’m about ready to kick Princess out of the fucking room,” Angel replies for the crowd.
“I’m tryin’, Angel.” Princess shakes her head, her long, black and red hair falling in a sheet over her leather vest. “I don’t forgive easy.” Princess turns to Shaina, and she flinches like a physical blow is coming at any minute. Just thinking that a blow could come at any given second is beyond my belief.
I know Princess is a badass, and I know she can kick my butt any time she wants, but the tension between these two needs to be broken.
I walk to Shaina and sit down on the floor next to her chair so I have to look up to her. When her eyes meet mine, I smile.
“So, you and Breaker, huh? I’m with his brother, Buzz.”
Shaina’s eyes widen. “You are?”
“Aw, I’m hurt he didn’t tell you about me,” I joke, and she starts to shake her head then stills when she sees my smirk. I see some of the tension ease from her body.
“Breaker and I aren’t really together. He’s just helping me out,” she claims, and I hear Tanner snort from across the room.
“Right. Welcome to Ravage. You’re in his bed, which means you’re not going anywhere,” Tanner says.
Shaina’s face turns panicked. “No, you don’t understand. I’m not staying. When this is done, I’m leaving.”
“Nope, you’re in,” Blaze speaks up.
“You don’t understand. I’ve been here before, and then I left. It’ll be the same as last time,” Shaina tries again.
Princess lifts her brow. “And did you tell Breaker you were leaving last time?” She stares Shaina down, and I realize quickly there is more at play here than what meets the eye.
“No.”
“Exactly. Not only did you almost get my best friend killed, you left Breaker without a word. You think I forget that shit?” Princess snaps, chilling the room.
Shaina closes her eyes, and a tear rolls down from one.
“Oh, fuck,” Princess groans and falls back to the bed. “Now I made her cry.”
“Low, enough,” Angel barks, going to Princess and leaning over her. Not many women would do this, but apparently, Angel has no fear of the woman. “I’ll tell you the same as I told GT: leave her alone. You!” Her voice gets louder and more insistent. “You of all people know what it’s like to hurt. You dealt with yours your way. Shaina dealt with hers her way. She has apologized to me more times than I can count, and I’ve had it. No more apologies from her. No more of you or anyone else treating her like shit. I’m done. Do you hear me?”
Princess sits up, putting her nose to nose with Angel. Angel shows no fear and no chance of backing down at all. Wow, it’s a pretty awesome sight to witness as the tension vibrates throughout the room.
“Please, stop,” Shaina says, but Princess doesn’t look away from Angel. It’s like she’s looking down deep in her soul and pulling out whatever it is that she needs to know.
It takes a moment, and then Princess surprises me.
“Fine. It’s over. Washed clean. If she fucks up again, though, that’s off the table.”
Angel smiles, wraps her arms around Princess, and hugs her tight. She whispers something in her ear, and I hear a muttered, “Yeah, yeah,” from Princess.
I turn back to Shaina. “So, apparently, sleeping in a man’s bed here is cause for a marriage license.”
Shaina turns to me, still in shock. She shakes her head like coming out of her thoughts. “I’m not getting married to anyone.”
“Relax. It was a joke. So, is what Princess said the reason you don’t want to go out there?” I ask.
“Yeah. They all hate me.”
“All except Breaker,” Blaze puts in.
“Yeah.” Shaina exhales, and her shoulders sag a bit. “I deserve it: the hate, the anger …” She trails off, and something powerful hits me in the gut. I can feel it. I don’t know how, but I do. This woman has thought about taking her own life and ending all of this. I fear that, coming here and seeing these reactions, she may just do it.
Shit. This just turned into something totally different than I thought. Funny how looks can be deceiving.
I turn to Princess, knowing her dad is the president. “What if you talk to your dad? Get everything smoothed over for Shaina.”
Princess laughs softly. “I can try, but the only one who can get through to him is Ma.”
“Then go to Ma,” I demand, and Princess’s eye twitches. I’m not stupid enough to take her head on. I don’t have anywhere near the relationship with her that Angel has. “Can I talk to you outside for a second?” But I do have enough determination to help a sister when she’s hanging on by a very thin thread.
“What?” Angel asks, but I don’t look away from Princess. I swear she has a built-in bullshit meter inside her, because whatever she sees on my face, she rises from the bed and heads to the door.
I say nothing as I follow her to the door.
Walking out and closing it, I motion for her to follow me a little bit down the hall. She leans her shoulder up against the wall and crosses her arms over her chest. I swear she looks just like one of the guys around here with that move.
“Look, I see it. I can’t explain how, but that woman in there is teetering between life and death.”
“She sure is,” Princess retorts.
I give out a frustrated sigh. “No, she’s on the verge of taking her own life. Coming back here … All of you hating her is only solidifying her thoughts of doing it.”
“And you care because …?” Damn, she is cold.
“I care because Buzz said that if Shaina can pull Breaker out of whatever is going on in his head, then more power to her. Not only that, but she’s a human who suffered a lot. She deserves to be treated better than shit on a shoe.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” Princess retorts.
“Then why did Ma invite her here? What does she know that we don’t?” I push, unsure if I’m on the right path, but I sure as hell am going to try.
Princess sucks in a breath and looks up at the ceiling. She pauses, and I wonder if I have pushed her a bit too hard on this. As the time stretches, insecurity hits. Shit, I did.
“Fuck,” she growls. “Fine, I’ll talk to her, find out the story, and where we should go from here.”
I let out a huge breath. Thank God.
I gave something away. I know it. As soon as Bella asked to talk to Princess outside, I knew it. I did my best to keep my face impassive. I did my best not to let the hurt or thoughts swirling in my head show.
Being here the past few days has been a challenge. Breaker wants me to go out of the room. All the while, I refuse. I know what is waiting for me outside that small wooden door that is the only thing keeping me from hearing all the ridicule and my faults.
GT never came back, and I’m thankful. While I deserve it, all the words and the hate ratchet up my anxiety hard. When I left, I forgot my medication, which is only making everything around me worse. I need those three little pills badly, and I hate myself for forgetting them.
I thought about asking Breaker, but he doesn’t need to know I have to take medicine to keep myself together. He has seen the hurt, heard the screams, dealt with it all. Everyone here judges me, and letting them know I have to take medicine to stabilize myself isn’t on top of my list. I do trust Breaker, though, probably more than I should. I know he would go get them and keep it quiet. I just don’t want him to know.
Even with him seeing me collapse on the bathroom floor and puke my guts out, I can’t let him see that it�
��s worse. That that small display is just the tip of the iceberg for me. I don’t want him to know how bad it can get, because going from being here, wrapped in his arms at night, to being away, it got a hell of a lot worse.
The biggest problem when I’m not on my meds is I can feel my moods going up and down. One moment, I’m a mess. The next, I’m okay. It’s like I have these boulders larger than myself and heavy as all hell collapsing on me, pushing me down. The weight of them is so hard to bear that most of the time, it crushes me. When the boulders win and the weight compresses, I’m flattened.
The weight is so heavy, so forceful that it annihilates me and makes me think these thoughts that I don’t want to have, but I can’t help it. One is taking my own life. There have been a couple of these. Coming back here has burned that fire fiercely, because I will never live it down with this group of people.
I know that, and it hurts. One, because it’s the only link I have to my father. Two, because they hate me. But it could all end. They wouldn’t have to deal with me, and I wouldn’t have to deal with the ridicule.
As I continue to think, the pressure grows in my head. I look at the women still in Breaker’s room, all of them talking, yet I’m not hearing a word. I need a break.
I rise and head straight for the bathroom, close and lock the door. Putting the seat down on the toilet, I sit, practically collapsing on the darn thing.
Head in hands, I try to clear my mind. I try to make everything disappear. I try to move the damn boulders off of me so I can breathe. I will them to go away, but they press harder, knocking the wind out of me.
I lower my head and take in deep breaths just as a bang comes to the door.
“Shaina, open the damn door,” Breaker says.
I press my hands to my eyes. “Give me a minute,” I call out breathless and hope he doesn’t notice.
“Now,” he demands.
Guess I didn’t trick him. Go figure.
I suck in a breath and slowly rise from the toilet, walk to the door, and unlock it. It opens immediately, and Breaker storms in.