‘I’m pregnant.’ The words slipped out before Caitlin could stop herself. Now she had said them it all seemed so much more real.
‘Oh,’ Brianna said. Then a few seconds later, ‘How do you feel about that?’
‘I don’t know. That’s just it. You know it’s not in my plans. At least not right now.’
‘Is it David’s?’
Caitlin stood and walked across to the edge of the veranda. She laughed shortly. ‘No, it’s not David’s. We hadn’t…you know, towards the end, not for a long time. It had all really fizzled out, even before I told him I was coming over here. But I had carried on taking the Pill. Just habit, I guess.’
‘Then who…?’ Caitlin could hear the sudden realisation in Brianna’s voice. ‘You don’t mean that it’s Andrew’s? Oh my God, Cat. You do! There’s been no one else. I’ve seen the way you look at him, but I never thought it had got this serious.’ She came across and stood next to Caitlin. ‘But that’s wonderful, isn’t it?’
‘Wonderful? To be pregnant by a man who doesn’t love you? With whom there is no kind of future? Who thinks that women should stay at home, look after the children and be grateful to bring him his slippers at the end of the day? No,’ Caitlin said heavily, ‘even if he cared for me—which he doesn’t, he’s made that much clear—Andrew Bedi and I have no future. It’s all been a ghastly mistake.’
‘Are you going to tell him?’ Brianna said quietly. ‘Don’t you think he has a right to know?’
Caitlin sighed from a place deep in her soul. ‘I haven’t really decided what to do yet,’ she said. ‘I don’t know if I’m up to bringing up a child on my own. Is it fair, do you think? Me, working all hours, leaving the baby with a childminder. I don’t think that’s the kind of life I envisaged for myself.’
She wasn’t going to tell Brianna about the lump. There wasn’t any point, at least not until Monday when she would get the results. Her sister had been through so much already, it would be unfair to worry her further. She should have kept the pregnancy to herself too, she thought, furious with herself. Why involve Brianna when she didn’t have all the facts herself?
Brianna had slumped back in the swing seat, looking dazed. ‘You don’t mean you’ll consider not having it? Oh, Caitlin, think very carefully before you go down that road.’
‘I need time to take it all in,’ Caitlin said. ‘It’s all come as a shock. You know me—up until now, up until I came to Australia, my life had been organised, planned down to the last detail. There has never been any room in my life for the unexpected.’
‘From that point Australia’s been good for you.’ Brianna touched Caitlin on the arm. ‘You know I hate to say this, Cat, but when you first arrived, I couldn’t believe how serious you’d become. You already looked the part of the stereotypical professor. I couldn’t see the mischievous Caitlin I remembered anywhere. It’s as if you’d had the life sucked out of you.’
Caitlin slid her sister a look. She was horrified but deep down knew her sister was correct. She had been working so hard for so long she had forgotten how to live. Even her relationship with David had been almost, well, convenient. They were two people who shared the same academic interests, but that was all. She couldn’t remember laughing with David the way she had laughed with Andrew. In fact, she couldn’t even remember having fun with David. Not once. The more she thought about it, the more she knew Bri was right. The last few years back in Dublin hadn’t really been living. But since she had arrived in Australia, although the circumstances were not what she would have wished, she had never felt so alive. And that’s what Andrew made her feel. Alive from the tips of her toes to the top of her head. What on earth was she going to do?
CHAPTER TEN
ANDREW took a sip of his drink and studied the woman opposite him. She was beautiful, with her olive skin and luxuriant mane of hair, as well as being bright and amusing. In short she was everything he thought he wanted in a woman. Why, then, did the image of glittering green eyes and auburn hair keep transposing itself on his thoughts? Why had he been unable to stop thinking of Caitlin and the feel of her silky skin under his fingertips for even a moment?
‘I’d love to have children,’ Raffia was saying. ‘At least half a dozen.’
‘What about your degree?’ Andrew asked. ‘I thought you planned to be a teacher?’
‘Only until I have a family,’ Raffia replied. ‘I do think women should stay at home—if they are lucky enough to be able to afford to. Don’t you?’
He did. Or at least he had. Suddenly like a bolt from the blue he realised that something fundamental had changed. He couldn’t imagine any sort of life without Caitlin in it. Whatever that life was. What was the point in having children if it wasn’t with the woman who made you feel as if your life was complete? Without Caitlin he would only ever be half-alive. Despite his best intentions he had done the very thing he had thought impossible. He had fallen irrevocably in love with the most unsuitable woman. The realisation took his breath away. What a fool he had been. He became aware that Raffia was looking at him curiously.
‘You haven’t heard a word I’ve been saying, have you?’ she said softly.
‘I’m sorry,’ he said. ‘Please forgive me. But I have to go.’ He stood, suddenly desperate to see Caitlin again. He needed to tell her how he felt. Needed to convince her that they should be together. Regardless. If she didn’t want children, well, that would be a blow, but maybe he could convince her in time. She could continue working. Women did these days and their children didn’t always suffer for it. He might have to do his bit. He pictured himself changing a nappy, his tiny son laughing up at him, and the thought didn’t seem quite as ridiculous as it once had. Millions of men, even men he knew like Niall, managed so why shouldn’t he?
Raffia was smiling at him. ‘You’re already in love with someone, aren’t you?’ she said softly.
Andrew brought himself back to the present. Was it that obvious?
‘Yes,’ he said. ‘How did you know?’
‘Oh, we women have a sixth sense as far as these things are concerned. She’s a lucky woman.’ She smiled ruefully. ‘Does she know?’
‘No,’ Andrew admitted. Then he smiled, knowing that his life was mapped out for better or for worse. That if he had anything to do with it, he had the rest of his life to spend with Caitlin. ‘But she will soon.’
‘Then don’t you think you should find her and tell her?’ Raffia suggested.
Andrew bent and kissed her on the cheek. ‘I’m sorry…about all this,’ he said.
‘Hey, don’t worry about it.’ She giggled. ‘The truth is, I’m sort of seeing someone too. I only agreed to tonight to keep the folks happy, but this way I’ll be able to tell them truthfully we weren’t right for each other. Now scoot. Before I change my mind.’
On Monday, Caitlin had work as usual. She knew Andrew was back from Sydney and she both dreaded and longed to see him. Arriving early at the hospital, she made her way up to the special care nursery, to check on baby Colin, who had been delivered safely after her initial diagnosis that he might have a heart problem when they had been at the Sunshine Coast clinic. After that, she would go and see Patricia’s baby. As it was still early, she hoped to avoid bumping into Andrew. She wasn’t ready to see him yet. She was on call for emergencies today, so wouldn’t have Outpatients or Theatre.
But as she stepped into the ward she was dismayed to find Andrew lounging against the nurses’ station, coffee in hand, laughing at something with one of the nursing staff. At the sight of the familiar features and tall frame, which had haunted her dreams over the last couple of weeks, she felt her heart somersault. Was it possible that he was even more good looking than she remembered? He looked up and caught her eye. A broad grin spread across his face.
‘Caitlin,’ he said. ‘It’s good to see you. Have you come to make sure we’re looking after your babies?’
He meant baby Colin, but for one horrific second Caitlin thought he knew about the pr
egnancy. If she decided to tell him, and she wasn’t about to, at least not until she knew that she was going to keep the baby, and she was a way off making any decision at all.
‘I’ve been up to see him most days,’ she admitted. ‘Is he still doing well?’
‘Come and see for yourself,’ Andrew said. ‘We’ve finished rounds, but I’m sure his parents won’t mind another visit from you.’
Baby Colin was indeed continuing to make progress. As Caitlin looked down at the tiny form, still attached to a ventilator but gaining weight and getting stronger every day, she felt her heart shift. She slipped a hand inside the incubator and into a tiny hand. Colin’s mouth was like a rosebud. Long lashes lay against delicate cheeks.
‘We can’t thank you and Dr Bedi enough,’ his mother whispered. ‘We know without you both our baby could have died.’
‘That’s what we’re here for,’ Caitlin said softly. ‘It’s our job to bring healthy babies into the world and to help those who aren’t so healthy survive. It is an honour and a privilege for us to play our part.’ She laughed, suddenly selfconscious. She wasn’t usually so philosophical. ‘But you have the hard part. Eighteen years or more looking after him. Our part was easy in comparison.’ She was uncomfortably aware of Andrew’s speculative look.
‘We’ll never forget either of you. Or the nurses. Everyone has been so fantastic,’ the husband added. ‘You’ve all made a very stressful time bearable.’
‘I’ll come in to see you again tomorrow,’ Caitlin said. ‘In the meantime, Colin’s in the best possible hands.’
‘Hey,’ Andrew said as they walked away, ‘is this the uber-cool Dr O’Neill showing a softer side? I thought you didn’t like to get too involved with your patients? You’ve been here every day. And to see the Levy baby too, the nurses tell me.’
‘I just like to make sure my patients are doing well,’ she said defensively. ‘That’s not the same as being involved.’
Andrew wiggled his eyebrows at her. ‘Sure, if that’s what you want other people to believe. But you don’t fool me. I can see right through that tough exterior.’
Caitlin drew a sharp breath. There was something in the way he was looking at her, as if…She banished the thought. Her hormones were playing up, that was all. She was reading things into situations that didn’t exist.
‘I was going to look in on baby Levy—little Colleen—on the paeds ward since I’m up this way. Have you seen her since you got back? She’s doing fantastically well.’
‘Yes,’Andrew said. ‘It won’t be long before we can discharge her.’ He looked at his watch. ‘I need to be somewhere,’ he said. ‘But before I go, how’s Brianna? I spoke to Niall on the phone yesterday and he said she’s fine. Should I believe him?’
‘Why don’t you come round this evening and see for yourself?’ The words slipped out before Caitlin could stop herself. Once again there was that speculative look in Andrew’s eyes.
‘Do you want me to come?’ he asked, his eyes drilling into hers. Caitlin’s heart began to gallop in the most uncomfortable way.
‘How was the gorgeous mathematician?’ she queried instead. Once again the words slipped out before she could stop them.
Andrew’s eyes crinkled. ‘You’re interested? In my love life? I thought you couldn’t care less.’
‘Of course I don’t,’ Caitlin retorted. ‘Whatever you get up to is up to you. I was only making polite conversation. As one friend to another.’
‘Caitlin, I need to speak to you, but in private,’ he said. He reached towards her, but before he could say anything more, Caitlin’s pager bleeped.
‘I need to answer this,’ Caitlin said, moving towards the phone. Whatever it was he needed to talk to her about, Caitlin wasn’t sure she wanted to hear it. She suspected it had something to do with the woman his mother had lined up for him.
The call was about the woman Caitlin had seen up in Noosa. The one who’d had the positive pregnancy test after IVF. Caitlin’s heart sank when the nurse told her that she had presented at the hospital in pain. It sounded ominous to Caitlin.
‘I’ll be right there,’ she said. She turned to Andrew, but he had already gone.
‘I’m sorry,’ Caitlin told the frightened couple. ‘It seems from the scan that you have a twin pregnancy. The trouble is, although one is developing in its proper place, the other is in your Fallopian tube.’
‘Can you do anything?’ Amy asked shakily.
‘I’m sorry,’ Caitlin said again, taking Amy’s hand in hers. ‘I’ll have to remove the pregnancy from the tube and possibly the tube itself. The other baby will be fine.’
‘But I want them both,’ Amy cried. ‘I don’t want to lose either of my babies.’
Caitlin’s heart went out to the young couple. They wanted these babies so badly. Without thinking, her hand dropped to her own belly. It was early days yet, but the irony wasn’t lost on Caitlin. In front of her was a young couple who had fought very hard to have children they desperately wanted. And here she was pregnant without meaning to be, and unsure how she felt about it. For the first time she really thought about the baby growing inside her. What if someone told her she was going to lose it and she might never get pregnant again? How would she feel about that? Then suddenly, sitting in front of the distraught couple, she knew the answer. She wanted this baby. Regardless of how difficult it would make her life, and she was under no illusions as to how difficult her life as a single working mum was going to be, the baby was here now, and for better or worse, if it was at all possible, she was going to keep it. As she made the decision she felt a huge weight lift from her shoulders.
‘I know this is difficult for you both, and I know you’ll need time later to grieve for the lost baby, but believe me if there was any way to save it I would. And I wish I could give you time to come to terms with it, but I need to operate today. There’s a real chance that if we don’t, and soon, your tube could rupture, putting your own life in danger. At least, and I know right now it’s little compensation, your other baby should be just fine.’
Shaken, Caitlin left the couple in the care of the nursing staff. If she was going to get so involved with every patient, she thought grimly, she’d have nothing left. She realised now why the academic route had seemed so enticing. It had just been another way for her to hide from the harsher realities of life. Being an academic would be so much easier than having to face the difficult emotional issues of her patients every day. But at the same time, Caitlin thought about the babies she had helped save. There was the reward of knowing that she had really made a difference. Although caring brought sadness and pain, it also brought an enormous feeling of satisfaction.
Caitlin kept looking at her watch, wondering when Antonia would call her with the results. Every hour she had to wait was agonising. Now she knew exactly how her patients felt. Even an hour when you were waiting for important results could seem like an eternity. But when Antonia did page her, it was to tell her that her results wouldn’t be back for another couple of days due to a backlog at the lab. She apologised profusely but Caitlin knew that it wasn’t her fault. Somehow she would have to get through the next couple of days as best she could.
As she was on call for the labour ward, Caitlin would be staying at the hospital overnight. Brianna’s house was simply too far away for her to get back to the hospital quickly enough should an emergency occur and, sure enough, just as she was finishing writing up her notes for the day, her pager bleeped. Caitlin was almost grateful. Anything that would keep her mind occupied was welcome.
It was Dr Hargreaves. ‘Ah, Dr O’Neill,’ he boomed down the phone. ‘I hope I didn’t disturb you, but I wondered if you’d like to go with the air ambulance to attend a patient with an unstable lie. If you would, I’ll cover the labour suite until you get back.’
‘Sure,’ Caitlin said. ‘I’d like to go.’
‘The air ambulance leaves in about ten minutes. There’s not much time. The pilot will want to get back before da
rk if possible. Dr Bedi is going too.’
At the last bit of information Caitlin’s heart jumped. On the one hand she didn’t want to spend time with him, not until she knew for certain what she was going to do, but on the other hand she was glad it would be Andrew that would be the paediatrician on this, her first callout.
‘What about equipment?’ she asked.
‘Everything you might need will be on the plane,’ Dr Hargreaves said. ‘Good luck.’ And then he hung up.
Caitlin thought quickly. Then she grabbed her stethoscope and white coat. On her way to the pick-up point, she’d collect some scrubs as well.
Andrew was already waiting for her next to the small Cesna. There was no way to talk over the roar of the engines, but Andrew flashed her a smile, before taking her by the elbow and ushering her on board. Inside there was only room enough for the two of them plus an incubator and a stretcher should they need to transport the patient back to hospital. The two seats up front were taken by the pilot, an efficient-looking woman somewhere in her early thirties, and the copilot, an older man with a face like a bloodhound. Andrew introduced them simply as Fran and Steve, and it was obvious that he knew them both well from the easy banter.
Minutes later and they were taking off. Caitlin stared out of the window as they left Brisbane behind. She could see the river snaking like a major artery through the city, crossed by the numerous bridges.
‘How far?’ she shouted to Andrew, struggling to make herself heard above the noise of the engines.
‘About forty minutes,’ he replied. ‘Just try and relax while you can.’
The noise of the engines made conversation difficult and Caitlin was left alone with her thoughts. She sneaked a look at Andrew, who was sitting with his eyes closed. Once more she felt a mix of emotions. Attraction, there was no denying that, she thought ruefully. She had known she was attracted to him since the first time she had clapped eyes on him, but what she felt was more than physical. She loved being in his company. Life seemed to glitter when he was around. Life just felt more…exciting somehow. But it was no use. If it wasn’t for Brianna, Caitlin would be tempted to go back to Ireland and try and get her life under control. But she couldn’t. She had promised her sister that she’d be here for six months, only just over a month had passed and she would keep her promise, however difficult she found it. But, she thought, what would happen if she continued with the pregnancy? It would be impossible to keep it from Andrew. What then? She shook her head. Stop it! she told herself. Remember you were going to take one step at a time?
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