THE BIG FIVE PERSONALITY TRAITS
The Big Five is by far my favorite character assessment method, and the fave of many credible psychologists as well. Big Five theory suggests there are five major traits that all characteristics fall under: agreeableness, extraversion, openness, conscientiousness and neuroticism.8 It’s easy to remember by using the acronym OCEAN. A lot of people’s strengths and weaknesses can be boiled down to where they rank high and low on this system. In addition, certain pairings can tell you a lot about someone’s tendencies. For example, in Dr. Ty Tashiro’s The Science of Happily Ever After he notes that people low in conscientiousness and high in openness are more likely to cheat on their significant other!9
In order to assess where you are on the Big Five scale, answer A, B, or C to the following hypothetical questions.
You are the kind of person who:
Loves to try new places/travel, is accepting of different lifestyles and is always open to new ways of looking at the world.
Is open to different kinds of people and their needs but has a firm grasp of what works for them and prefers to stick to that.
Loves routine, enjoys familiar settings and is skeptical of change/new ideas.
If right now, I walked into the space you spend the most time in, I’d probably think:
This person is organized, clean, on the ball and has a good eye for detail.
This person isn’t dirty, but I wouldn’t say they’re organized either.
This person is either extremely lazy, extremely busy or a mix of both.
If we went out for a night on the town, you’d be the one:
Talking to new people and making connections at every turn.
Talking to familiar people and making some new connections for the first hour then be inexplicably MIA for the rest of the night.
Looking for someone familiar to engage in a private, in-depth conversation with before heading out.
If someone suggests an idea that you’re not really keen on, but they seem very excited about you are likely to:
Go along with their idea since there’s a possibility it could be better than yours; plus, your main objective is to have a good time, not to have your way.
Go along with their idea reluctantly and inevitably say “I told you so” at some point in the night.
Try to convince them that your idea is better and if that fails, suggest you do things independently.
If you went out to dinner with a romantic partner and they weren’t speaking much, you’d probably think to yourself:
I guess something happened before they got here. I’ll give them more time, then ask if they want to talk about it.
If they don’t want to talk to me that’s fine, I’ll just go on my phone and keep myself busy until they notice me.
They probably don’t like me anymore.
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Answer Key
You are open. b: You are moderately open. c: You are not very open.
You are conscientious. b: You are moderately conscientious. c: You are not very conscientious.
You are an extrovert. b: You are an ambivert. c: You are an introvert.
You are agreeable. b: You are moderately agreeable. c: You are disagreeable.
You are emotionally stable. b: You are not very emotionally stable. c: You are neurotic.
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Once you have your results write a paragraph briefly explaining how your five personality traits can help others better understand your behavior. Because I believe in the Big Five so much, I’d love to give you a snapshot of the group’s results that I put together for them:
Deshawn scored high on extroversion, which was incredibly apparent since she was the personification of a home-cooked meal: warm, funny, vulnerable, intelligent and never judgmental. On the flip side, she was high on neuroticism and low on conscientiousness, which could explain her scattered nature.
Stephanie’s results confirmed that she was very open and agreeable. She gave everyone else ample space to be imperfect or unexpected, but ironically, she left little for herself. Hence why she scored high on both neuroticism and introversion.
Pricilla and Stephanie had very similar results, both scoring high on introversion, neuroticism and agreeableness. This came as no surprise as one of the other quizzes we did (included only on the full workbook) was the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator test. There, it was revealed they were both INFP. Their difference was that Pricilla was neither open nor was she very conscientious. This made sense because she didn’t seem to want to do much of anything beyond the status quo.
Courtney was the only person who scored high on emotional stability, which was fitting since she had neatly carved her lane as the rock of the group. The Big Five also pinned her as a moderately-conscientious extrovert who was just about as open as Chick-fil-A on Sunday.
Maya scored high in conscientiousness, as she was both honest and organized, as well as neuroticism because she was fearful and anxious. But on everything else, she was just below room temperature. This made sense because I recognized that she was an open-minded person, but with her aggressive nerves at play, she was rarely open to new ideas. She wasn’t an extrovert, but she did demonstrate a confidence in social settings that a lot of introverts do not possess. And finally, because of her intensity and rigidity she erred on the disagreeable side, despite her deep desire to get along with others.
Lastly, later I learned that Cherise had scored high on openness, which she absolutely was. As someone who grew up in a tight-shipped religion, she hadn’t been very exposed to the world. But once she broke away from the church she was starved for the unconventional! She was conscientious, hence her pristine appearance and strong-to-the-point-of-pushy morals, as well as introverted, which is why she preferred to observe rather than contribute. Her Big Five test also confirmed what I knew from the jump: she was a little neurotic and a lot of disagreeable.
We officially concluded the reading of their workbooks at 11 P.M., two hours later than I had projected. I thought everyone would grab their shit and head for the exit but instead they embraced, clapped and spoke excitedly over one another as if the words just wouldn’t stop coming. They seemed to have felt genuinely heard and seen, which is arguably more satisfying than chocolate and sex.
Courtney turned to me and said, “Girl, I’m gonna be honest, I was really questioning all this damn homework because I didn’t sign up for school, but I see what you did with this. I get it and I’m glad it’s done.”
I offered her a high five but kept quiet. Of course, we weren’t done. Certainly not with the program and definitely not with phase one, but I also wanted them to have their moment. What they had accomplished was a remarkable start to a lifelong commitment to know themselves intimately.
But there was still a massive chunk of the puzzle unfinished. Everyone’s workbook vulnerably, beautifully and bravely addressed their hardships in terms of what others had done to them, but there was no mention of any remorse for pain they may have caused others.
I was proud that the group could now identify their love language, but I still wasn’t sure if in the past they made an effort to speak others’. When emotions ran high, were they the type to admit their wrongs and apologize effectively? Was their ego tame enough to accept and adapt to their partner’s turn-on triggers? Did their attachment style stand in the way of their ability to empathize with others?
Of course, being that everyone in the group was single, they didn’t have an intimate partner to ask these questions. But, with the exception of Maya, everyone did have an ex. And these exes held gems of personal growth that simply could not be overlooked.
Phase One: Know
PART TWO
Know what others think of you by seeking advanced feedback from those who have known you intimately.
4
Ex Marks the Spot
“All of my exes have been blocked,” Courtney said flatly.
“There is one person I am still very angry with and
the thought of inviting that person to interact with me makes me angry,” said Cherise.
“So, it’s been a minute since I’ve been in a relationship that I consider a relationship and not a situationship,” began Deshawn. “So, um, should I dig up an ex or do I talk to a situationship?”
“I’m just going through this in my head,” said Maya, who wore the most exaggeratedly terrified expression I had ever seen. “Do I have to date someone and have them break up with me? How long do we have to do this?”
“It’s still very fresh with my ex. I don’t know if now’s a good time to reach back out,” warned Pricilla.
“I’m actually into this,” said Stephanie, who, in support of her workbook results, was truly open to anything.
I had explained that their new assignment was to connect with an ex to ask where they had come up short in the relationship. I emphasized that this conversation was not about closure but instead it was designed to give them clarity on which parts of their game needed work. If they had a hard time apologizing, lacked emotional control or veered toward self-absorption, they needed to recognize that about themselves in order to successfully move forward in my five-phase program.
“You don’t have to do this but if you don’t, you’re cheating yourself out of a lot of progress,” I reinforced. “Look, I’m not asking you to do anything I wouldn’t do. As a matter of fact, I’ll do this assignment too.”
“Okay,” said Deshawn, still working it out in her head, “so what exactly do we do? Call them up and say, hey, I know we haven’t talked in a while but just thought I’d ask how I sucked?”
“Kinda,” I admitted.
I advised the group to use four principles of influence when crafting their request:
Set the tone immediately; make it clear that you come in peace and that you’ve made peace with your shared past.
Make your request as soon as possible and include the word because since without justification, people tend to have a hard time assessing why they should care or comply. This is an important influential technique that you should always keep at the top of your mind because it will improve your communication and get you better results (see what I did there?).
Root your request in something greater. Tell them you’re doing this as a part of a course or personal pilgrimage. People are more likely to comply when they believe they are helping you work toward a bigger goal.
Acknowledge that they are your top choice but that you’ve also asked others, so no stress if they can’t. Make it an honor that you chose them but also keep it casual.
In addition, I drafted up a list of questions for the women to ask their exes if they chose to connect with them. The list was designed to help them stay on track of the end goal (learn what they may need to improve for future romantic success) without their emotions or pride hijacking the convo:
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Questions to Ask Your Ex
Was I a good listener to you? __________________________________
Did I speak your love language? ________________________________
Did you find me reasonable? ___________________________________
Was I too sensitive or emotionally unstable? _______________________
Was I emotionally unavailable or distant? _________________________
Did I make an effort to understand and meet your needs? ______________
Did I talk too much about myself? _______________________________
Did you find me grim or negative? _______________________________
Did I apologize often and effectively to you if I was in the wrong? ________
Did you consider me an independent person or a needy person? _________
Did I create a good contrast between being your friend and being your sexual partner? _________________________________________________
Did we have similar values on sex/a similar sex drive? ________________
Did I ask for too much too soon? ________________________________
Did I not ask for enough? _____________________________________
Do you think I saw you for your highest potential? ___________________
Where do you think we were incompatible? _______________________
Do you think that I changed for the worse, at some point in the relationship? ______________________________________________
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It was with a mix of excitement and dread that I read over the question list, knowing I had volunteered myself. It had been years since I dated someone new and the odds that any of my exes had insight that Jared didn’t were Snoop Dogg slim. So, I tried to approach things from a different angle and reflected on what open cases would be healthy for me to close.
My previous long-term relationship was an absolute no. It was an awful and unfortunate chapter in my life that preyed on my insecurities and resulted in a plot line fit for VH1, not personal growth. This exercise, although naturally risky since you’re putting your pride on the line, should not put you in any form of real danger. The litmus test for selecting the right candidate is this: if during the relationship the ex in question did not consistently want the best for you, they are not the best person to ask. In addition, use your judgment to avoid any exes who may misconstrue this exercise as a ploy to reconnect with them. The ideal choice is someone you still like, who still likes you, but when it comes to the romantic department the lights are off and all parties are well aware that no one is coming home.
With all this in mind, I flipped through my mental Rolodex of names until I landed on one filed under What happened? We’ll call him Mark.
I included the full story of one of the biggest heartbreaks of my lil life on TheGameOfDesire.com/exmarksthespot. You can head there if you’re feeling nosy, but in summary, the story is one we all are familiar with: I wanted Mark to love me as I loved him. And when he didn’t, I tried to overcompensate for his lack of interest by offering up my dignity to fill the gap. Spoiler alert: it didn’t.
After a couple of hours of Googling, the best thing I came up with was the Instagram of a casual mutual friend. But the only contact he had for Mark was an old email address, Hotmail, to be specific. He might as well have given me his AIM or pager number, but I sent the message anyway:
* * *
Hey Mark! I know it’s been a while, and I hope you’re well. I wanted to say that I do think kindly about you and am appreciative of the connection we had. Despite how things went down, I hope you know I see only the positive and wish you well!
I wanted to ask a favor. Wait, no, I don’t need help moving or anything lol. I’d love your input for a project I’m working on that aims to help women better their chances at successful, meaningful relationships because love is a big part of our lives that we receive very little guidance on. And one of the steps of my project includes reaching out to people from the past to hear how I came up short in the connection with them. So, I was wondering if you’d be down to talk for ten minutes about your experience with me? I have a few others in mind, so no stress if you’re busy, but you were the first person I thought of because I’ve always found you insightful.
All the best,
Shan
* * *
After I pressed send, I waited a few moments for the Mail Delivery Rejection response, but surprisingly, it never came.
Meanwhile, I set up the group’s first expert session. Everyone had a week to complete the assignment so I wanted to give them some simultaneous food for thought on the common reasons that relationships fail. To accomplish this, I called on my friend, Dr. Barry Goldstein, a psychologist and couples’ therapist who has been in practice for over twenty years. Dr. Barry and I became acquainted on Make Up or Break Up, a talk show where I sat with couples on the brink of splitting and assessed their relationship. After I counseled them on-camera, Dr. Barry gave them further assistance off-camera. We were a great team then and I was confident we’d be even better now with this eager-to-grow group.
We connected with Dr. Barry on G
oogle Hangout and immediately he got down to business: “I am here to teach you all how to definitively, one hundred percent fail at every relationship.”
Someone in the group snorted sarcastically.
Dr. Barry paused for a second then continued. “Obviously I am talking paradoxically; what I’m really here to talk about are the critical moments and behaviors that knock a relationship off its course. A good relationship isn’t easy per se, it just has a hundred little things that line up so it’s not hard. Today I wanna summarize all of that by talking about four big things.”
The Game of Desire Page 7