by Amber Garza
“Then I don’t care what everyone else says.” Stepping forward, he stamps a kiss on my forehead, and the fear I felt a moment ago disappears.
HAYES
“Dude, seriously. Why have you been holding out on me?” Brady intercepts me on the way to lunch. I’m supposed to be meeting Ashley in front of her class, and I don’t want to be late.
“What are you talking about?” I keep walking, but Brady picks up the pace, keeping in step with me.
“I knew you were into Ashley, man.”
“I wasn’t, actually,” I answer, rounding the corner swiftly.
“Why are you walking so damn fast?”
“I’m meeting Ashley,” I say, afraid that if I show up late she’ll think I’m standing her up. She’s overly sensitive right now, and the last thing I want to do is set her off.
Brady busts out into laughter. “Oh, okay, man. Yeah, you’re not into her at all.”
Irritation bubbles inside of me. “I didn’t say I wasn’t into her now. Just that I wasn’t into her before.”
I spot Ashley standing in front of her classroom. She’s leaning against the wall, her gaze nervously darting around the hallway. When she sees me, the corners of her mouth lift, and she pushes off the wall. The Ashley I used to know never would’ve seemed so openly happy to see me, and her reaction causes my heart to soar.
I feel Brady’s gaze following mine, and he whistles. “Whatever you say, man.” His hand clamps down on my shoulder. “Good luck with that one.”
“She’s changed,” I answer.
“For your sake, I hope she has.” He glances over at her, then raises his eyebrows. “And if not, well, at least enjoy her while you can.” Leaning over he whispers, “I mean, no matter what, she’s still hot as hell.”
I punch him in the shoulder. “That’s not why I’m with her.”
“It’s not?” He furrows his brows. “Seems like a legit reason to me.”
Shoving him away, I laugh. “Get outta here.”
“Fine.” He nods his head in Ashley’s direction. “Have fun.”
When he leaves, I walk over to Ashley.
“I was starting to think you might not show,” she says, once again surprising me with how vulnerable she’s being. The old Ashley never would’ve admitted that. In fact, the old Ashley would never have waited for me. She’d have taken off the minute I was late, and never given me the time of day again.
“Sorry,” I mumble, reaching for her hand. “I got out of class late, and then Brady wouldn’t leave me alone.”
“I bet your friends are pretty shocked, huh?” Her gaze drops to the floor. “They’re probably all wondering what you’re doing with me.”
“Um…I think they’re actually surprised that you’re with me.” From the corner of my eye, I catch some curious onlookers. One of them is Emmy, but I ignore her. Still the thought of her makes my stomach twist, and then I’m reminded of why Ashley is feeling so insecure. If this were last year, the entire school would be whispering about the absurdity of Ashley slumming it with me. At least that’s what happened when I was with Talia. But now it’s the opposite. Everyone is wondering why I’m dating the school pariah. The dethroned queen bee. The girl who’s chewed up and spit out just about everyone at this school.
But that’s because they don’t know Ashley the way I do.
I’m hoping one day they will.
“Am I?” She asks softly.
“Are you what?”
“Am I with you?” Her words stop me cold. They echo in the cleared out hallway. She must sense my trepidation, because she adds, “I mean, are we together-together?”
Ashley’s known for casual relationships. I can count on one hand the guys she’s actually been together-together with. And I don’t know that I have enough fingers and toes to count the guys she’s hooked up with. So you can imagine my surprise at her wanting to define our relationship after only one kiss. But it also solidifies what I already know to be true about her. She’s different. She’s lost. She’s insecure. And right now she needs someone she can count on. It may be a mistake. And it may be something I regret in the long run, but I want to be that guy.
I step closer to her until her back is flush against the wall. Then I place both hands on either side of her face, caging her in. It’s euphoric, hovering over her like this, knowing that she wants me. I never thought this day would come. “Do you want to be with me, Ash?”
She smiles. “I do.”
“Then I guess we’re together-together,” I say, using her phrase. “We’re double together.” I wink.
“Double trouble,” she adds.
“Oh really?” Leaning over, I press a light kiss on her lips. I know that’s all I can do here. The teachers don’t tolerate much PDA, and we are still in the hallway. But I like knowing I can kiss her when I want. That she won’t pull away. I guess in some ways the kiss is a test. And she passes with flying colors. Tugging her forward, I say, “You lead the way, Ash.”
She stops, peering up at me pensively. “It’s funny. Everyone calls me Ash. I used to hate it. I would picture a dirty ashtray or a fireplace. It sounded gross. Ashley reminds me of someone pretty and popular, but Ash sounds stupid.” The more she talks, the more I wish I hadn’t called her Ash. My face warms. “But when you say it, it sounds pretty for the first time ever. How do you do that?”
The embarrassment leaves me instantly like a light being turned on. It’s that fast. That instant. Her words still have the power to destroy me. When I thought she was going to tell me not to call her Ash, I started to feel small, the same way I did when she rejected me or called me fat. As I stare into those impossibly large eyes of hers, I wonder how real this thing between us is. She could be using me to get back at Talia. Or Josh. Or any number of guys. And really, are my feelings for her any more pure? Seconds ago, I was relishing in the fact that she wanted me. That she needed me. That she felt insecure. What kind of guy feels happy about a girl being insecure and needy?
Is my attraction to Ashley merely a fulfillment of fantasy?
“Hayes?” She scrunches up her face in a perplexed look.
Oh, man. How long have I been standing here thinking? “Um…yeah. Just waiting to hear where you want to eat lunch.” Nice save, dude. “I know you don’t want to sit at the baseball table, so how about we go out to the quad.”
“With the losers? No, thanks.” She wrinkles up her nose in disgust, and just like that, the former Ashley’s back.
“O-kay,” I say, dragging out the ‘O’.
Her face falls. “I’m sorry. It’s just….I’ve always….you know. That’s what I’ve always thought. That the losers sit in the quad.” Pink rises in her cheeks. “But I guess even bigger losers eat in their cars.”
“We can sit wherever you want,” I prompt her.
She nods. A teacher steps out of the nearest classroom. He eyes us. “You two need to get to lunch.”
“We are,” I say quickly, guiding Ashley forward. We step outside, the sun momentarily blinding us. White spots fill my vision as we stumble forward.
“I guess it’s not so bad out here,” Ashley says. “There’s a table open.” She points to a wooden table under a tree. It appears rickety, and I’m surprised she chose it, especially after her statement in the hallway. But I do my best to forget that. Seeing her former self surface so easily made me wonder again if this new Ashley is nothing more than act, and the old Ashley is just hiding inside waiting to make her grand re-entrance. But another part of me suspects that Ashley is changing. And changing takes time. Of course she will sometimes waffle between the way she’s always been and this new, more enlightened version of herself.
We have to sit on opposite benches so the table will stay even and not fall over. Still, it continually creaks and moans beneath us at the slightest movement. It’s clear why no one else was sitting here.
“Are you sure this is okay?” I ask in response to her facial expressions revealing her discomfort.
&n
bsp; “Maybe we should just sit on the ground,” she offers.
I nod, and we carefully get up. Before we can sit under a nearby tree, I hold out a hand to stop Ashley.
“Hold on a minute,” I say. After opening up my backpack, I pull out my jacket and place it on the ground. “The grass looks a little damp, and I’d hate for you to get your cute sundress all wet.”
She smiles. “Aww, thank you. That’s really sweet.” She sits down daintily on the jacket, and I plunk down next to her on the grass. “No one’s ever done anything like this for me before.”
“That’s because no one else is as awesome as me.” I wink.
“I think I’m seeing that.” Her eyes sparkle.
Reaching into my backpack, I pull out my lunch bag. Once I’ve set it in front of me, I wait for Ashley to get out her lunch. But she doesn’t. She merely sits on my jacket, staring off in the distance.
“Ash? Are you gonna eat?”
“Oh.” She fidgets agitatedly. “Um…I sorta forgot my lunch.” Something about her demeanor is off, but I can’t figure out why. I’ve been to her house. I know she has money. Her dad’s a doctor for goodness sake. But I can tell there’s more to this story.
Grabbing out my sandwich, I hand her half.
“No.” She shakes her head. “I’m fine.” Reaching down, she slides her palm down her taut stomach. “I’ve gotta keep my figure.”
“C’mon. I won’t take no for an answer. I wanna eat, and my mom would kill me if she found out I ate in front of a girl who wasn’t eating.”
Ashley sighs, reluctantly reaching for the sandwich. “Fine, but it better not be full of mayonnaise or some crap like that.”
Again she sounds like her old self, but I’m starting to see the pattern here, so I figure it’s more of a defense mechanism. “It’s not,” I assure her. “I’m a mustard guy.” When she wrinkles her nose, I chuckle. “Just eat it.”
With a huff, she takes a bite. Then she wipes at the corners of her mouth. After swallowing she says, “How’s Henry?”
My stomach twists thinking about grandpa. “He’s doing well.”
She cocks her head to the side. “Then why do you look so pained when you say that?”
“It’s just that scrimmages start this week and games start pretty soon. Gramps is still recovering, so he can’t go to them. And it’s weird, you know? He’s usually at most of my games.”
“I can bring him if that helps. Assist him or whatever.”
“I wish, but for right now he can’t really go anywhere. Not until he’s fully recovered.”
“Oh.” She glances down at her lap.
“But you’ll still be there, right?” I ask. “I mean, it won’t be too hard for you, will it?”
Her head bounces up. “Why? Because of Josh?” Her eyes narrow as if she’s pondering it. “I mean, I guess it will be a little bit.”
This gives me pause. “You really cared about him, didn’t you?”
She shrugs, and I see the walls flying up between us. “I don’t know.” Her voice takes on that hard edge again.
“You don’t have to do this with me. You can tell me the truth.”
She blows out a breath and tucks an errant strand of hair behind her ear. “Yeah.” Her voice is soft, almost embarrassed. “I guess I did care about him. I mean, he’s not a jerk all the time. And we were together for awhile. I know everyone thought it was all a game or whatever. And at first I think it was, but he kinda grew on me.” She averts her gaze. “A part of me even started to think that maybe it would turn into something real. What an idiot, huh?”
“No.” Reaching out, I snatch up her free hand and lace our fingers together. “He’s the idiot.”
She blinks, her eyelashes fluttering, and I’m taken by how stunning she is. “I don’t even need to ask if you cared about Talia. It was obvious that you were totally into her.” There is a sour note in her voice that turns my stomach.
“If it makes you feel any better, I liked you first.”
A broad smile sweeps her face. “If only I’d wised up sooner, huh?”
“I’m actually glad you didn’t,” I say honestly. “I feel like this is the right time for us.”
Her gaze floats over to where Emmy and Taylor sit on a nearby bench. Emmy is eyeing us in a not-so-subtle way.
“I don’t think everyone agrees with you,” Ashely says sullenly.
“Hey.” I tuck my finger under her chin and turn her face toward mine. “Don’t worry about what other people think.”
“That’s hard for me.”
The truth in her statement slices through me. “I know it is. But you’ll never be happy. Hell, you’ll never be free if you can’t learn how to live for yourself and not others.”
***
Emmy intercepts me as I head to class after lunch. She blocks my path in the hallway, a stern expression on her face.
“You and Ashley, huh?” She doesn’t sound pleased.
I’m not sure how to respond. Ashley hurt Emmy. And I don’t blame Emmy at all for not liking Ashley. So, instead of trying to say something in my defense, I simply nod.
She shakes her head. “I can’t believe it.”
Emmy is authentic and real, and I want to be that way with her too. “Honestly, neither can I.”
“Hayes,” Emmy speaks gently, moving in closer. Students whip past us, some not seeming to notice us at all, while others peer over. “You’ve always been a super nice guy. And you’ve always struck me as a straight shooter, and that’s why I’m saying this, okay?” She pauses. “You know that you’re just a pawn in Ashley’s game, right?”
“Emmy,” I start, but she cuts me off by holding up her hand.
“I mean, if you know it and you’re okay with it, then far be it for me to judge. But if you think this is going to turn into something real, like if you really like her, then you need to walk away now with your pride still intact.”
I want to be irritated with her, but I’m not. She thinks she’s helping me. As mean as what she’s saying sounds, it’s actually sweet. And if this were last year, I’d agree with her. But it’s not last year, and things have changed. “Is my pride still intact?” I joke, glancing down at my clothes and back. “Where is it? I wanna see.”
Emmy chuckles. “Man, that was a cheesy one. Your jokes have gone downhill. Good thing my brother’s not around to see this.”
I smile. “Yeah. Cal was pretty brutal with me when my jokes sucked.”
Her face sobers up. The halls are starting to clear out. “Just promise me you’ll be careful. Ashley’s hurt a lot of guys, and I don’t want you to be one of them.”
I clutch my chest. “Aww, you’re making me all teary.”
She shoves me in the shoulder. “Shut up.”
Glancing around, I say, “We better get going or we’ll be late for class.”
“Yeah,” She says, as I back away from her. “You sure you know what you’re doing?”
I shrug. “I know it’s early in the year, but I’m pretty sure I’ve got my schedule down.”
She rolls her eyes. “I didn’t mean right this minute. I meant with Ashley.”
“Yes, I know what I’m doing.” I wave. “Now get to class.”
Giggling, she whirls around and hurries down the hallway. When I head in the opposite direction, the bell peals. Crap. I’m late. As I race toward my class, I mull over Emmy’s words, and I pray that she’s wrong about Ashley.
ASHLEY
This time I don’t have to stand at the edge of the field. Instead, I’m sitting in the front row of the bleachers, cheering Hayes on during his scrimmage. I was a little hesitant to come out today. Hayes talked me into it. It’s not that I didn’t want to watch him play, but people are slow to accept our relationship. Pretty sure everyone thinks I’m using Hayes. Which makes sense, and it’s what I deserve, but it still hurts. Plus, I’m worried that the more people talk about it, the more Hayes will think it’s true. I can already tell that deep down he has trouble tru
sting me. Not that I blame him at all. However, I worry that one day it will be the reason he breaks it off with me.
We’ve only been seeing each other a short time, but I already really like him.
When Hayes is up to bat, I scoot forward and watch intently. There aren’t many people here, only a few parents. Hayes’ mom had to work and Henry’s at home recovering. It’s how Hayes swayed me. He made me feel sorry for him. It still stuns me that he has the ability to do that. Sympathy isn’t something that comes easily to me. Before Hayes I often wondered if that part of me was missing.
Prior to dating Hayes I always liked watching him hit. He doesn’t have nice form or anything, but the force in which he smacks the ball is amazing. Also, I like how intent he appears. Hayes is such a jokester that it’s rare to see him so serious. At least that’s what I used to think, but lately I’ve been seeing his serious side more and more. Talia used to complain that Hayes was never real with her. That he was always sarcastic and teasing, but I haven’t noticed that with me.
That little revelation lifts my spirits. Sometimes I worry that Hayes isn’t over Talia. He liked her so much, and it wasn’t that long ago that they broke up. I could be his rebound girl, and that makes my stomach hurt.
When Hayes hits the ball it shoots into the outfield, soaring over everyone’s heads. I clap and scream. His gaze finds mine as he runs the bases, and he throws me a wink. My entire body warms from the top of my head to the tips of my toes. When I was dating Josh he warned me to keep it down when I watched his games. In fact, if I yelled his name or hollered for him during a game he would get angry with me.
Cal and Chris both relished when their girlfriends cheered them on, and it made me wonder why Josh didn’t feel the same way about me.
I’d gone out with most of the guys on this team and none of them had ever looked at me while out in the field like Hayes did. It makes me feel special. Worthy. Maybe for the first time in my life.