by Eli Constant
“Sorry. It’s nice to see you for the second time today.”
“Yeah. You usually skip lunch.”
“I usually have to skip lunch… always something broken in the hangar. I swear someone sneaks around at night with a sledge hammer breaking things to create more work for me.”
“Hope the pay is good.”
“Place to sleep, edible food, regular showers, and a couple of the pilots are teaching me to fly.”
“Useful skill.”
“Yes, I thought so.” He walked closely behind me as I moved through the line. At one point, he placed his palm on my upper back and began to rub. He stopped quickly when I grunted in pain.
“What’s wrong?” His voice was concerned. I didn’t look back at him.
“Nothing, back spasm probably.” I grabbed a bowl and a steel fork.
Yum. Looked like tuna casserole again. I was beginning to imagine an entire store room of creamy mushroom soup, elbow macaroni, and tuna cans. It was a mess hall specialty, served at least three times a week.
Sometimes Private Timmons would mix it up and throw in canned chicken instead of tuna. He liked to keep us on our toes.
I still hadn’t asked him about using the kitchen for some much needed baking therapy.
I plopped down next to Megan and pulled Kara out of Allison’s lap and on to mine. Another quick kiss on both sweet, little foreheads; then a big bite in my big old mouth. Delicious.
“So how were classes this morning, Megan?”
“Good. We’re learning about Chaucer and we’ve started Geometry.”
“Really? That’s wonderful. Are you understanding the material?” Her face was pricelessly put-out.
“I have no idea what Chaucer is talking about, but math is easy.” Megan ate her last few bites of food and took a big gulp of water. “Mom, can I go ahead to the entertainment room now?”
“I just got here, baby. I haven’t seen you all day.”
“But Sara and Lisa and I are going to play cards.” She gave me sad, puppy dog eyes. “Please mom?” I taped my cheek with my index finger. She knew what that meant and hopped up to kiss me goodbye.
“Alright go on. See you at dinner. I’ll leave the lab early and we can play a board game if you want.”
“Okay!”
I watched Megan run out of the cafeteria. “Megan, slow down!” I yelled after her. She didn’t hear me though.
I was so happy that she had friends. It was a tad melancholy also- to have her dependence on me lessen.
Her hair had grown so long. The brown locks trailed down her back and the ends curled slightly. She was so beautiful and had my coloring. Kara’s hair was also a medium, shiny brown, but her face looked like her father’s- open and kind. I was such a lucky mother.
I hated that we’d missed celebrating Megan and Kara’s birthdays this year. David had always made such a big deal about birthdays. He’d bake the cakes himself and they’d always come out awful. I’d always buy a premade cake earlier in the week and hide it in the back of the garage fridge. Thinking of that, thinking of David, I was determined.
Jason was sitting in front of me. I stood up, holding Kara. “Kara, will you sit with Jason for a while?”
She laughed. “Jassee, ‘old me!” He held out his arms, I handed her to him and he wrapped her in tight, bear hug.
When I approached the food line, Private Timmons was yelling at someone for trying to get a second portion of food. I waited until he calmed down.
Probably wasn’t a good time to ask him for a favor, but if I delayed, I’d never get around to asking. His hands rested on his hips, his eyes downcast. I waited till his face was more a pink color than tomato red.
“Excuse me, Private Timmons?”
“What!” He barked. I raised my hands, palm forward. He looked up at me and shook his head. “Sorry, ma’am. Some of these people really piss me off.”
“I understand completely. There are a few people here that I’m less than fond of.”
“Lucky it’s only a few. I do my best with what I have. Trust me when I say our food locker isn’t brimming with caviar and white truffles.”
“I, for one, never tire of tuna noodle surprise.” I think he could hear the tiny lilt of sarcasm in my voice, but he smiled in appreciation. Sometimes a lie is good to soften a situation. Other times… not so much.
“So, I don’t imagine you approached me just because I look like I’m having a crappy day.” One corner of his mouth upturned, and the other downturned. It was an odd effect- half-smile, half frown. Sure made him hard to read.
“Not exactly, but if I made your day better, that’s a wonderful byproduct. What with… well, everything going on, we weren’t able to celebrate Kara’s second birthday or Megan’s tenth. It’s way past their birthdays now and I know you are protective of your kitchen, but I was hoping you’d make an exception. Maybe open your heart to baking a couple celebratory treats?”
As I talked, Timmons’ fingers were trailing back and forth across his apron. My eyes darted down to the infamous line of knives. I was always fighting impulsive urges and at that moment, I was trying to keep myself from taking a very conscious step backwards.
I think he just wanted to see me sweat because eventually he smiled and nodded.
“No problem. I don’t have a lot of traditional baking ingredients, but I think I can whip up a mean cake with powdered eggs, Crisco, and condensed milk. I might even be able to scrounge up some confectioner’s sugar for icing. I can make it tonight, if you want? It’ll be nice to bake for a change.”
“That would be so great! Thank you so much. You’re not nearly as scary as people say.”
“Don’t blow my cover. If these jerks get wind that I can be nice, they’ll all be asking for more food and to use my kitchen and my knives. I have a reputation to safeguard.” Timmons seemed a bit surprised when I gave him a side hug.
“Your secret is safe with me.” I winked at him and walked back to the table.
Kara was talking a mile a minute and Jason was sitting very patiently. Her speech had vastly improved since we’d arrived at the facility. Peer learning is a wonderful thing. Of course, half of it still sounded like gibberish, but I was almost positive she was saying:
“… and then Ms. Donna said he had to give back the book and say sorry. He was mean, but Ms. Donna said he’d have to go in time out if he didn’t and then he did. And I opened the book and looked at the pictures some more. And then I gave it back to Johnny because he looked sad. I don’t like being sad so I don’t think Johnny likes to be sad.”
Well, at least I was pretty sure she was talking about a book and a boy, and ‘dah nah’ usually meant Ms. Donna.
“Wow, she is talking your ear off.” I laughed and Jason looked at me. His throaty chuckle floated into the air.
Suddenly Kara was so upset. And then she was yammering again.
“I made your ear fall off!” At least that was the gist of Kara’s cry. Jason tried not to laugh again; I couldn’t hold back another giggle. Kara’s sweet little face was so distressed. She whirled around in Jason’s lap and clamped her hands around both of his ears. “Hey! Your ears are okay.” I laughed again and pulled her away from Jason and up into my arms.
“Come here you, silly girl! It’s called an expression. Sometimes people say things that mean something different than how they sound. You were just talking so much. I was teasing!”
Kara looked at me first in puzzlement and then in disappointment. She spoke her next sentence very slowly and clearly enough for everyone to understand.
“Tat not nice momma.”
Allison and Michael had finished eating and were leaving.
“Alli!” Allison turned back around at her nickname. Kara tried to jump off my lap, but I wrapped my arms around her waist.
“Nope. You’re all mine!”
“Momma!” She struggled against me as I tickled her under the arm. “Momma!”
“Okay, okay. Go have fun. Love you,
baby.”
“Luv ew, momma.”
I sat Kara down and she ran to Allison. I watched them. When they’d exited the cafeteria, I turned to look at Jason.
“Mark your calendar. Tomorrow we are going to have an epic double birthday party.”
“Really? Now how did you find out it was my birthday tomorrow?”
“What? Really? I had no idea.” I blushed and started to apologize for not knowing. Jason interrupted me.
“I’m joking. My birthday was months ago.”
“Could you just be serious for a little bit.” God he was exasperating; always joke, joke, joke. “Anyway,” I rolled my eyes, “tomorrow we are, very belatedly, celebrating Megan’s tenth and Kara’s second birthday.”
“Great. Let me see if I’m free.” He mocked whipping out a calendar book and flipping through pages. “Oh… too bad. I seem to have a business lunch tomorrow.”
“Really, you’re going to have lunch all day long?”
“No… just at lunch time.”
“Great. Then you’ll be free after dinner time.”
“Did I say business lunch? I meant business dinner.” Jason smirked.
“Sorry. Lying won’t get you off the hook. You are coming, you are cutting cake, and you are playing the role of a doting father.”
He was kidding around with me and I thought I was keeping with the jesting spirit. His face told me otherwise.
The twinkle was gone- that spark that was essentially Jason being Jason. Sometimes your psyche rears its ugly head and slaps you.
“Um… I didn’t mean you’re their father. I just meant you’re the closest thing they have to a father figure now. If you don’t mind playing that role for a while, I’d really…”
Jason cut me off, my mouth clamped shut.
“Elise, I don’t want to be their father figure some of the time.”
“Right, I wasn’t trying to push you into anything.” My words were mumbled. How flipping awkward. I started rising from my seat to make an embarrassed dash out of the mess hall. Jason grabbed my wrist, not overly hard, but hard enough to really get my attention.
“That’s not what I meant.”
“Well, the alternative doesn’t make sense Jason! We haven’t known each other long enough for you to want to make that kind of commitment.”
“Are you really worried about what makes sense?”
I looked at him. He looked at me. It wasn’t a magical moment. It wasn’t a storybook romance or the fabled love at first site. It wasn’t a passion that would inspire others in centuries to come.
The kind of love between us was a unique sort of real- borne out of struggle and pain. It was fabricated out of the small reprieves, the few moments free from terror. This love had blossomed from the seeds of long talks on dark, lonely roads.
“Elise…” Jason paused, thinking, “Elise what is your middle name?”
“Diane.” I said it softly, part of me not wanting him to hear.
“Elise Diane Swanson, I marry you.”
“Jason…” I didn’t know what to say, but he did.
“Dean, my middle name is Dean.” Jason’s hand moved from my wrist and resettled, our palms touching, our fingers interlacing in an imperfect union.
I made a decision and, in my heart, I knew it was the right one.
“Jason Dean Chambers, I marry you.”
We kissed in the presence of the few straggling eaters.
We had no one to validate our ceremony. We had no license to sign, no reception to attend, and no first dance to dance.
My love for my first husband was still in my heart, but my new husband was physically present. He would be there for the fights, the makeups, for the quick embraces and the long. That went quite a ways toward repairing past hurt.
We spent the next hour together- a brief honeymoon in a room of center block walls.
I kept my shirt on, not wanting Jason to see the new mural of bruises. He didn’t seem to notice.
He had… other things on his mind.
Assimilation
“I need to check on the girls and get back to the lab.”
I elongated my body, stretching my fingers and pointing my toes towards the end of the bunk. Even with weeks to heal, my side still ached in the wrong position.
Jason’s arm lay under my body. He grabbed my waist possessively, playing like he wouldn’t let me go. Unlike after our first time, this afterglow was relentlessly shiny.
“Will I see you at dinner?” I played with the short hairs on his arm.
“Actually, I’m going out on my first night flight.” Jason released my waist and sat up, careful not to bang his head on the top bunk.
“Be careful, okay?” It’s funny how a fondness for someone can morph so quickly into something so much greater. Once I let go of my reluctance and doubt, I dove head first into loving him and the pool of our passion was warm with a deepness that went on forever. Me sappy? Hate to admit it, but… yep.
“Always am.” He kissed me.
His lips were soft and becoming familiar. As we kissed, Jason ran his fingers through my hair. I grunted into his mouth, mid-kiss. He retracted his hand quickly, startled by my sound of pain.
“What? Did I hurt you?”
I shied away from his questioning. “No, no… I’m fine, really.” I think I over-played the denial; he didn’t look convinced. It didn’t help that I’d said the same thing in the cafeteria line when he’d touched my back.
I tried to get up from the bed, but he pulled me back down and began picking through my hair like a preening monkey. It wasn’t long before he found the line of eleven stitches.
“What the hell is this?” He was pissed. Great, macho-man protective; just what I’d been trying to avoid.
“It’s nothing, really.”
“To hell it’s nothing. You are not leaving this room until you tell me what the hell happened.”
And I told him; with every word I said, his face became blanker, more unreadable. My story finished, I sat quietly, waiting. When he spoke, his voice was dead serious.
“Jesus, Elise. Do you have a damn death wish? After all the close-calls we had on the road, I can’t believe you’d actually choose to put yourself at risk like that.”
“I know, I know. I’m sorry.”
He took me by the shoulders, turned me so we were facing each other.
“Sorry, isn’t good enough. I will not lose you.” His voice was forceful; I had to look away from him.
“I’ll be more careful. Promise.” I made a quick X over my heart with my right index finger.
“You’re a good little wife- listening to your husband like that.” He kissed me on the cheek; the subject was closed, back to his normal self. I rolled my eyes.
“Bye then, Mr. Chambers.” I was up now, buttoning my pants. I was glad that we didn’t have to wear the ugly jumpsuits anymore. I stared at the ugly brown uniform on the floor. So not attractive.
“Bye, Mrs. Chambers.”
“Hmm, don’t think so. How about Mrs. Swanson-Chambers? Or we could try Swambers on for size.”
“Why not Chamson?”
I smiled at him and pulled my hair back in my, now signature, stubby ponytail.
“Bye then, Mr. Swambers.”
“Bye now, Mrs. Chamson.”
I was almost out the door when an impulse struck. I chose not to fight against this particular inclination.
“I. Love. You.” I said the words separately, distinctly and with an inner force. I willed him to understand how hard those words were and how true they were.
I don’t know what I expected, but the answering nod I received was very Jason. In the same instance, his expression was tender and pained. That nod meant… everything.
Walking to check on the girls, my mind reflected on my second honeymoon. It had been so nice. I realized, after ‘marrying’ Jason, that I had committed to him while deceiving him… keeping things from him. Before we’d made love, before the after-marriage cons
ummation had been complete, I’d told Jason everything. Everything.
And I’d been surprised at his reaction- his ready acceptance of both Meg’s existence and my half-cocked plan to make her part of our family.
I didn’t enter the entertainment room as soon as I arrived. Instead, as was my habit, I stood outside the room watching Megan through the window.
She was sitting, bent over a table, contemplating a chess move. Her partner was a boy, perhaps a little younger. His dark hair was longish and hung around his face in a shiny sheet. When Megan straightened her posture, her profile revealed a toothy grin.
I watched them play for several more moves, soaking in the vibrant image of my eldest daughter- her youth and her beauty.
I walked into the play room. Megan didn’t see me so I moved to the nursery door. I pushed it open, already smiling and ready to see my youngest.
Kara, in a navy blue jumper and white shirt, was playing with the ABC blocks again.
“Momma!” She yelped excitedly as I sat down on the floor next to her.
“Hi, baby girl. What are you playing?” I watched her methodically line up the blocks in alphabetical order.
“Wow! That’s wonderful!” And then she started pointing and saying each letter.
“A, B, C, D, E…” She stumbled a little over F, but regained her footing and finished the alphabet.
“Kara, that was perfect! You are so smart!” She grinned up at me.
“S… mart!” She said the word slowly, exuding pride.
“You keep up the great work, okay?” Kara stood up and jumped into my arms for a hug. I squeezed her tightly and then pulled her away so I could see her face. “Allison will take you to dinner and I’ll meet you there, okay?” She nodded and sat down with her blocks again. I talked to Donna for a few minutes before leaving.
“Any problems?”
“None. Kara’s a great addition. She can get a bit greedy with the blocks, but every kid has a favorite toy.”
“I can tell she likes the blocks.” I glanced over at Kara. She had abandoned her ABCs and was now holding a plastic clock. She pointed to the numbers on the dial one by one. “She is learning so much. Thank you for that.”