by Howard Stern
After we came home from camp, I wrote her from time to time. She lived in a place that was alien to me -- Far Rockaway. Meanwhile, I was such a moron because Far Rockaway was about a half hour's drive from where I lived. But you have to remember, living at my parents' house was like living in a prison. It never even dawned on me to ask my father if I could call her. Finally, that New Year's Eve, I got up the courage and asked my father if I could make a long-distance call to Far Rockaway. He said okay and I called Judith and invited her to come visit me and she said yes. I was jazzed.
Better yet, she was coming over on a day that my parents were going away, which meant I had the whole house to myself with her. The only problem was I had no fucking idea what to do with her. There weren't any porno films back then for me to learn from.
Then I remembered a book my parents had sort of hidden with their other books in the living room. They probably thought it was safe to keep it there because they knew I never read any books.
It was a sex manual called Your Wedding Night. I opened the book.
It had pictures of breasts and vaginas and penises and it showed intercourse. I concentrated on the part about french kissing and petting. So Judith came over and we spent the whole day talking. I was nervous as shit. Finally, I got her up to my bedroom and I leaned over and kissed her and that was it. I didn't even have the balls to put my hands on her tits.
But I had my first girlfriend ... until we went back to camp the next summer. When I got there, my good friend Lewis Weinstein (who later became a doctor) came up to me and said, "What do you have a girlfriend for? Are you crazy? Play the field. Break up with Judith." I had no idea what "playing the field" was, but Lew seemed to know what he was talking about. I was a flaming asshole. I had the best-looking girl in the camp and I broke up with her. He told me all the girls would be lining up for me. Easy for him to say. He always had a remarkable ability to attract women. So, like an imbecile, I listened to Lew and I broke up with Judith.
Lew had a great summer. I, on the other hand, was miserable for the rest of the summer. No one would even look at me. Judith, naturally, found a new boyfriend in two seconds.
In fact, I didn't get another girlfriend until I was sixteen. Back home, no one would talk to me. I was a real misfit in high school. But
that summer I went to Camp Wel-Met again. Right away, I met a really cute girl named Nancy. We hit it right off. So one night, she and I sneaked off to the waterfront and started making out. We were buck naked and I was fingering her and I figured, this is it! I'm getting laid! There was no way that I was going to go home from camp and hit seventeen and still be a virgin. So we were going at it by the water, and suddenly she said, "Let's go in the water and skinny-dip."
Eighteen years old and a fucking mess.
Now I was really confused. I didn't know what I was doing, yet now I had to figure out how to do it in the water. We were standing in the water French kissing and I was trying to decide what to do. So I squatted while she stood. My balls and my ass were in this freezing cold water and she was looking at me as if I was crazy. Was I supposed to lay her down in the water and fuck her? Were we supposed to squat and fuck? Between my nerves and my dropping body temperature, I was shivering violently... like an epileptic. She was disgusted.
So back we went onto the beach, and by now I was freezing even more. I fingered her some more but she was really drying up on me. And my breath stunk because I had a nervous stomach. I was this skinny, shaking, smelly thing. It was amazing she didn't throw up on me. Here was my big opportunity to lose my virginity but I was also really paranoid that I would get her pregnant, because I certainly didn't have any rubbers. I was also nervous that we'd get caught and get thrown out of camp, so we got dressed really quickly. I threw my pants on and stuffed my underwear in my back pocket. I went to see my friends, who were hanging out in the main lodge, and they saw the underwear sticking out of my pocket and they went wild.
"Way to go!" they screamed. They figured I got laid. I didn't have the heart to tell them I didn't. But the next day I told Lew. We decided to drive into Monticello to get rubbers. Lew was, by far, the more sophisticated of the two of us. He had a full beard when he was thirteen, and he was really self-confident, so we decided that he'd do the talking to the pharmacist. We went into the drugstore and I was nervous as hell. Lew was like a pro.
"Could I have some lubricated Trojans, please? Do you have the ribbed ones?" He had this down cold. Meanwhile, I was standing next to him, screaming, "Me, too! Me, too!" like a demented little child. Lew was poking me in the ribs to shut me up. The druggist gave us each a three-pack and we were set.
The next night, Lew grabbed a girl, and bang, he used one of his rubbers right off the bat. Meanwhile, I was with Nancy, but after that fiasco, she wouldn't fuck me. She realized I was a virgin. That three-pack stayed unopened the whole summer.
After camp I called her and pleaded with her to come over to my house. She came over one weekend when my parents were gone and as soon as she was in the door, I was begging her to have sex.
"No!"
I gave her alcohol.
"No!"
I broke out my pitifully small stash of pot.
"No!"
"But I really love you, Nancy."
"No."
She was coming up with every excuse in the book, but I wasn't buying it.
"I've got my period."
"I don't give a shit, let's fuck!"
"NO!"
Finally, after three hours of begging, I wore her down. We went upstairs and she got naked and she looked great. We started to fuck and I lasted all of three seconds. But I wasn't a virgin anymore! I was elated.
"Let me get some wine. Let's make a toast." I was carrying on like a maniac. Meanwhile, she found some blood on the sheets and she was disgusted by the whole thing.
A couple of months later, I was at a party. I was no longer a virgin but I might as well have been for all I did with Nancy. I met a girl there named Janice. This girl was drop-dead gorgeous. A true blonde, with huge tits. She even had an older boyfriend who was away at college.
Normally, I'd have no chance with a girl like that who knew me from school because I was such a geek in high school. But Janice went to a different high school, so she was looking at me and all she saw was some guy with long hair. I offered to turn her on -- again breaking into my pitiful nickel-bag stash -- and she must have figured I was a major pot dealer. To her, I was a happening druggie. I had a license. I was driving my dad's Mercury Montego. I was cool. She fell head over heels for me. She was propositioning me all night. I didn't know what to do, so I got her number and said, "I'll call you."
Finally, I called her. I took her back to my house because at this point, my mother was working (Mom got a job as an inhalation therapist at Mercy Hospital, and her day consisted of extracting globs of disgusting-looking mucus out of diseased lungs). This was the perfect opportunity to score.
I called upon all my seduction skills.
First, I broke out the pot, but I made her go out to the garage to
The toastmaster general at my sister's wedding, during my senior year in high school.
smoke it, so my parents wouldn't smell it later. That really must have made her feel as if she was with a grown man.
"Janice, do you mind going out to the garage to smoke this pot?"
How debonair.
How Long Island.
Then I broke into my father's liquor cabinet to make her an apricot sour. While she was drinking alone, I immediately had to run into the kitchen to wash out the blender so my mother wouldn't see a dirty blender and put two and two together. This had to be a dream date for her. Sitting alone on my parents' stupid couch while her hot man was in the kitchen tidying up.
How romantic.
How seductive.
How fucking lame can you get?
Finally, I took her upstairs to my room, where I was going to put th
e final touches on the seduction by playing some music on my little stereo.
So what does the ultimate Casanova choose for lovemaking music? Neil Young's "Down by the River, I Shot My Baby." This had to be the most depressing music on the planet. Even I was ready to slit my wrists.
While this music was on she started getting all weepy about her boyfriend in Albany, but I just kept plowing on. I didn't want to hear about her stupid fucking boyfriend.
I started to try to take her shirt off.
"No, don't take off my shirt," she said. "My boyfriend always keeps my shirt on when we have sex." I started thinking that maybe she was missing a breast. I asked her if I could feel her up under her shirt. "Oh, sure," she said. "Just don't take off my shirt." I started to pull her hiphuggers off and she was wearing tiny little panties. I slowly pulled her panties down and saw the most magnificent thatch of billygoat light blond hair. Oh, man! I started fingering her and she was hot and wet and turned on. She pulled down my pants
and she grabbed my cock as if she was uprooting a carrot in the garden. She was saying, "Oh, yes! Oh, yes! That's it! C'mon already, do it to me!"
I had done this once before, for about three seconds, so I was fumbling with the rubber. When I got it on I said, "Guide me in."
"What?" she moaned.
"Guide me in."
"What do you mean?"
"Put me in you." I sure as shit wasn't having any luck getting in there by myself.
"You never did this before!?" she started screaming at me. So we started arguing back and forth.
"I did, I swear I did. I just prefer women to guide me in," I was screaming.
So she took my cock -- she was totally disgusted with me by now -- and she started to put me in her. The second I felt her wetness, BOOM, I shot my load. She had no idea that I was done. I wasn't even all the way in yet. Meanwhile, she was crying hysterically.
"What's wrong?" I asked.
"I can't take this," she sobbed. "I'm not doing this because you don't know what you're doing!"
"Perfect!" I said. " 'Cause I don't want to do this either." Meanwhile, if I hadn't finished, I wouldn't have given up so easily.
"I have to call my boyfriend in Albany," she suddenly decided.
"WHAT?!" I screamed like a maniac. "My father'll kill me. You can't call Albany from my house! You're a mental patient. Forget it."
She was still hysterical, so I drove her home.
"You're not going to call me again?"
"Absolutely not," I said. I was a real moron. I should have called her again and kept banging her. So what if she was a mental patient? I didn't get laid again until that summer when I went to camp to work in the kitchen. For some unfathomable reason, I was really in demand that summer. I began banging several different girls on a regular basis. But I didn't know how to handle it. I was so emotionally stunted. If I had been a smart guy, I would have made friends with the girls and been able to fuck them all simultaneously. As it was, I was like a black widow spider, I'd devour each girl after I fucked her. I wasn't in love with any of them and I didn't particularly want to hang out with them, so I wouldn't speak to them again after I nailed them. I was really mature.
But I was on a roll. I was sharing a tent with a guy named Danny, and one time he came into the tent while I was about to fuck a girl, and he wouldn't leave.
But that didn't stop me. While he was talking I slipped my penis inside of her. It was actually kind of exciting. And of course I came in like two seconds. It was too fucking exciting for an asshole like me.
One of the girls I fucked that summer was named Patty. She was a counselor and we were flirting with each other, so one night she came to my tent. I was lying there sleeping and she came in with her flashlight and she kissed me awake. She was unbelievably sensuous. We went back to her cabin and she was great. We ripped off our clothes, I got on top of her, and I blew my load in three seconds.
I was so sexually immature. Patty tried to widen my horizons but I was such a loser. I had no idea how to enjoy sex. One time we were about to fuck and just as I was about to enter her she tried to stick her finger up my ass. I pulled my cheeks together like rocks, I thought that was so wrong. I was so flipped out that I stopped talking to her.
But I had my eyes on a friend of hers, Leslie. Leslie was a latecomer to camp. She was filling in the last two weeks for a counselor who left early. She was a kooky actress type but she had an unbelievable body, great tits, brown hair, sensuous mouth. I fell head over heels in lust with her. I kept trying to get her to go out with me, but she refused. She told me that I was a jerk because I dumped her friend Patty. But I worked on her and worked on her and finally I overcame her loyalty for her friend and she caved in.
I was in heaven. It was great sex. Uninhibited, wild animal sex. She blew me like crazy; I'd eat her for hours at a time. We did sixty-nine all over the place. I wanted to propose to her right then and there, even though I was eighteen and she was an aspiring actress -- very affected. So when camp was over, I kept in touch with her. She lived in Princeton in a kind of communal arrangement with a children's theater group. A few weeks after camp, we got together at a camp reunion and it was magic all over again. We were making out like dogs on the steps, out in front of the whole camp, we didn't care.
When the reunion was over, we took a bus together back to Princeton. When we got to her house, we were fucking five times a night. She'd jerk me off in the bathtub. I would take her back to her room and eat her out for an hour. I would do anything to please her. I was head over heels in love with her. It was unbelievable. One
morning when she got up, she was nude and she grabbed my hand and said, "Come with me." I stumbled out of bed and I got my underwear on because I was totally self-conscious about anyone else in that house seeing my little mushroom. She led me down the hall and then she opened a door and we were in the bedroom of two gay guys who were in the acting troupe with her. Leslie hopped into bed with them and she started to get physical and then she turned to me and said, "Climb into bed with us!"
I was so provincial that if she had been in that bed with two other girls and she had made the same offer, I would still have panicked. But there was no way in the world that I was going to get into bed with two other guys. I ran out of the room, called her out into the hall, and started yelling at her.
But a few days later, I had a much better opportunity with Leslie and I really blew it. Patty came over to visit us and she brought her new boyfriend. Right off the bat, Patty's stock dropped in my eyes because here she was with this little douchy guy. We were all sitting in the living room and Leslie and I started making out. So Patty and her boyfriend started making out, too. Then Leslie started taking her clothes off and it dawned on me that we could have a group scene going down here. But I was so embarrassed to show my cock in public that I grabbed Leslie and took her upstairs. I blew what would be my one opportunity in life to do something kinky.
That fall I started college at Boston University. Anytime Leslie called me, I'd run right down to Princeton. But then one night I got a disturbing call from her.
"I'm breaking up with you," she said.
"What? Why?" I was stunned.
"I met this guy," she said. "He's a redhead and I like him a lot. He's got a really big penis."
I was freaking out. Now my penis was really an issue. She didn't say I had a small penis. But she was leaving me for a guy with a REALLY BIG PENIS. Why was she saying this to me? Was I really that small? I was devastated. Once again, I was a failure with women.
So there I was, a freshman at Boston University and horny as hell. B.U. was supposed to be a big party school, but I couldn't get arrested. Every girl on campus was ignoring me big time. One day I was sitting in the cafeteria with Lew (yes, the same Lew who was my friend at summer camp ended up being my roommate in college) and
my other friend Elliot and some other guys and an incredible-looking girl walked in. She was like a goddess. She was built like a supermodel: long,
long legs; perfectly flat stomach. She was about five-nine and she was wearing a miniskirt, cut-off shirt, no bra, and platform shoes. And she was with an incredibly ugly girlfriend of hers. Beauty and the Beast.
They sat down and this gorgeous woman started looking over at us. I had such a horrendous self-image by this time that I agreed when Lew said, "Look at her, she's checking me out."
"Fuck you, she's checking me out," Elliot said.
Of course, the furthest thing from my mind was that she was checking me out.
That night I went to a party at our huge dorm, called the Zoo. There were literally thousands of students there. Back then, I used to chain-smoke, so I took out a cigarette, got ready to light it, and this goddess walked by me and said "Hello" and kept walking. Oh, man! I figured she wanted it -- why else would she say hello to a jerk like me? So I walked over to her and she was with Quasimodo again and I asked her for a light. Great opening line, huh?
"You girls looking for a party?" I asked, after a few drags. As if I, with no life, would ever have known where a party was.
"Sure, we love to party," the goddess said.
So we went upstairs. Finally, I had a social life. I had two girls with me, even if one looked like a troll. We were going from floor to floor, no parties. When we got to my floor I said, "I have some outrageous pot. You want to get high?" They said sure.
So we went into my room and I sat on my bed and the two girls sat opposite me on my roommate's bed. Once again, I broke into my pitiful stash -- my father was sending me only a hundred bucks a month for spending money, so I was always low on funds to resup-ply my stash. There was less than a nickel bag of pot in there and two Quaaludes. I took out a small hash pipe and we started smoking grass. That is, they started smoking grass. I was faking smoking it because grass made me totally paranoid and I wanted to be on top of things if I was going to put any moves on this babe.
After a few rounds of hits, I looked at the pretty one and said, "Come, sit next to me." Now she was sitting next to me on the bed, but Quasimodo was staring at us from her perch. I was doing a fake inhale on the hash pipe every time it came around to me, but these girls were getting whacked. Then I grabbed Beauty's hand and held