by Coralee June
Tears filled my eyes as I realized that his guilt would always stop us from being a family. No amount of redemption or forgiveness was enough to cover this amount of distance and blame. The world was against us. Our past was against us.
“I don’t know what to say, Maverick. I feel like no matter what, you’re still going to suffer. If you’re looking for peace, you won’t find it with me. I’m too fucked up for that. Please talk to Cyler.”
I left Maverick in the Clinic. There was no fight. No confrontation or solution. We didn’t cry and hug it out. I saw him suffering, and I left because I didn’t know how to handle it. Maverick needed someone to dig into his soul and bring the light out, and I knew that person wasn’t me.
As I walked down the street, still processing my feelings about Maverick and Cyler, I saw a familiar figure standing on the corner by the general store. Tallis.
“Did you have a good night, Agapimenos?” he asked with uncertainty, the weight of our earlier conversation still plaguing us as he shuffled his feet and pulled away slightly.
“I did,” I replied. I felt trapped between his pure stare and my desire to flee. I wasn’t ready for this conversation. All of the events of tonight were still too raw. “Look, I’m pretty self-destructive when backed into a corner, but I don’t want that with you, ok? Can you wait a little longer? Today was…hard,” I rushed out, my feet practically bouncing with the desire to run before he could lock me out.
“Of course. You know where I’ll be,” he said before grabbing his elbow and heading towards the Scavenger camp. The selfish and needy part of me was sad that he didn’t offer to walk me home, but I knew he was just giving me what I asked for—space.
“What are you doing here, anyway?” I asked as he walked away.
“Sometimes a mind needs more time to accept what a heart already knows,” Tallis said softly. I could barely hear him as he walked away. “My heart keeps bringing me to wherever you are, Agapimenos.”
Chapter Fifteen
I bottled up my grief and let it simmer for two days. Despite Tallis' sweet words of reassurance, I wasn't ready to go back and confront what I was feeling. I received dirty looks from the Walker women in the Gardens for missing a day of work. Despite resting for a good reason, they still saw me as the spoiled Mistress Black, Cyler's baby sister and irresponsible nuisance. I made sure to wear my most exquisite dresses to work, just to prove them right.
I almost wanted Tallis to come for me. I wanted to know that I was worth the chase, but he put the decision in my hands, and now I wasn't sure what to do. Could I risk telling the world about us and risk losing him to my past?
On the third day, I felt zero motivation to get through my work. My life lacked purpose, without my evenings tutoring the Scavengers, I simply moseyed through the hot days in the Garden.
After lunch, I looked up from my row of wheat and was surprised to find Tallis stalking towards me. He wore a frown, and even though everything in his body language said that he was troubled, I couldn't help but feel a glimmer of excitement that he finally came for me. For me. I smiled wide at him, but it fell as I noticed the way his shoulders were rigid.
"Well, what do I owe the pleasure?" I asked with a millimeter grin while leaning against the handle of my scythe. I didn't want him to know just how excited seeing his face made me.
"Jules, I have some bad news," he said in a morbid tone.
"Is it Gordon? You should have let me talk to him," I scolded while dropping my tool and preparing to trek with Tallis to camp. That kid was a handful.
"It's..." Tallis began, but hesitated. His lack of confidence and composure was strange for the usually refined Scavenger Chief.
"Well spit it out, you're scaring me," I bit back.
"It's Cyler and Patrick. They've gone missing on their way to Ethros," Tallis finally said with sadness in his eyes. I took a moment to absorb his words before brushing dirt off my hands. An eerie calm overcame me.
"How long have they been missing?" I asked softly.
"A few hours maybe? We aren't sure."
I took a deep breath and grabbed my dress. A swarm of anxiety hit me, but I wasn't one to crumble under pressure. Mom always taught me to fake it till you make it.
"Well, they probably did something stupid and got caught," I mused while walking towards the Dorms.
"Where are you going?" Tallis asked, following after me.
With each step, I had to consciously force myself to keep calm. My brother and I didn't have a great relationship, but I still cared about his well being. And without Patrick, Huxley would spiral. We had to do something.
"I'm off to take a shower," I replied with an air of confidence and a shrug.
"Are you still angry with me, Agapimenos? Can't we pause this for a moment? Your brother is missing."
I paused. God, we did a lot of chasing after each other.
"Tallis,” I began, my voice almost a whisper. “It absolutely pains me to admit this out loud, but this is how I freak out. I'm going to go take a shower, get dressed in one of those dresses you hate, and come up with a plan to save his ass because everyone else is helpless without him. Please let me pretend to have a semblance of control, I'll see you at the house."
I started to turn away, but in my usual manic manner, I decided at the last minute to quickly crush my lips to his. His cool lips felt so good, I almost didn't care that people could see us.
Tallis stood frozen in confusion, his lips barely responsive. When I broke away and continued walking towards the Dorms, I heard him yell, "Crazy woman!"
During my walk to the house, I formulated a plan and thought of how ridiculous it all was. We were a family. Couldn't Maverick be bothered with a simple courtesy call? Our own flesh and blood, yet it was Tallis who was concerned enough about me to reach out. We were all we had left, and we were throwing it away.
I waltzed into my old home and made my way towards the kitchen table. It was so strange, seeing them all there. I couldn’t remember a time that we all sat down peacefully for dinner together, and I briefly worried that I’d never get the chance.
I threw Tallis a small smile and sat down. “Oh my! Don’t act so excited to see me!” I said sarcastically to the others. Mia was in the chair to my left and we exchanged mutual half-hearted scowls before I shifted my seat farther from her.
“So what are you doing to get my brother back?” I asked snidely. Knowing them, they probably were too busy bickering to come up with a useable plan. I felt Tallis’ eyes on me, but I refused to return his stare. I wasn’t ready to reveal whatever it was going on between us, and it wasn’t the time or place to exchange looks of longing from across the room.
They all remained silent for a few moments. I noticed Mia sharpening her blades beside me, and I saw how her eyes occasionally cataloged the movements of everyone. After another beat of uncomfortable silence, I broke.
“Oh, the silence is super reassuring. This is a great plan. Just sit here quietly until they just magically appear.”
Mia bumped my leg under the table just as Jacob spoke up.
“How’d you even know they were gone?” he asked. He leaned forward on his elbows, a gesture I recognized as one of defeat. He gave me a sad look, and my heart hurt for my sweet friend.
“Well,” I began while gritting my teeth. “It’s no thanks to you lot! It’s a small Providence. Word travels fast. I had to find out from Tallis that my own brother was abducted. I can’t believe you didn’t think to tell me, Mav, after everything our family has been through.” My chest hurt with emotion, and I noticed the curious stares directed towards Tallis. I regretted mentioning that he was the one that told me. Tallis, however, looked a little too pleased that I brought it up and gave me one of his little mischievous smiles that I had grown to like far more than I cared to admit.
I felt desperate to get the attention off of us. “I just can’t believe you didn’t tell me. You never tell me anything, Mav. I’ve always been on the outs.” I raised my chi
n slightly and tried to force as much confidence as possible through me, but the effort felt wasted. I knew that Tallis could see through my facade.
“I’m sorry, Jules,” Maverick began. He looked strongly calm, but I saw the storm brewing beneath. “I know we’re a fucked up family, but we’ll get him back. We just need to figure out how to get into Stonewell Manor undetected.”
Now this was the moment I had been waiting for. I’d be lying if I wasn’t looking forward to being the one to solve their problems. I looked around the room, barely able to contain a smile.
“Well, that’s easy,” I said in a chipper voice. I continued to look around as they all waited for me to solve their problems. Typical.
“You need a distraction!” I exclaimed while twirling my hair around my finger. “I’ve been reading the tabloids. There has been a lot of civil unrest in the Walker Zones these days. It would be such a shame if one of their little protests got out of hand.” I shrugged and picked off the paint on my thumb. I waited for the lightbulb to go off in their minds.
Unfortunately, it was their precious Ash that picked up what I was laying down. “We could spur a riot in the Zone,” she said excitedly as if the idea was hers. Up until now, I had ignored her, but here she was, stealing my thunder. And naturally, my brother looked at her like she was his savior.
“I mean, that's basically what I already said, but sure, go ahead and run with my plan,” I scoffed.
“We don’t even know that they’re at Stonewell Manor,” Maverick said with a frown. I watched as he cradled his head in his hands, he looked terrible.
Everyone started arguing about whether or not Josiah had Cyler and Patrick or not. My eyes drifted to them, and I pretended to pay attention until Ashleigh whispered something that made me pause, “I’ll do anything to get Cyler and Patrick back.”
I looked at her, and for the first time, I saw that maybe there was more to her than the naive little Walker girl from Galla. Despite the friction between us, Cyler and Patrick needed all the help they could get, and at the end of the day, I wasn’t necessarily upset that she was on their side.
Mia perked up beside me while pocketing a sharp knife. “Well great, now that that’s settled, when are we going?” My stomach sank. I knew that they’d do everything in their power to leave me behind.
“We aren’t going anywhere. Jules and Ash are staying here while we get this plan mobilized,” Huxley said in his usual arrogant tone.
“Well I guess you can figure out how to navigate Galla as well as find Josiah on your own then,” Ash said while glaring at Huxley. I wanted to gag on the sexual tension surrounding them but appreciated that she had a backbone. The little Walker wasn’t so much of a doormat, after all.
They fought for a while after that, but eventually, Ash won and was allowed to come along. I felt Tallis’ eyes on me during their conversation. I wondered if he would ask that I come too, or if he was waiting for me to speak up.
Finally, everyone dispersed, and I was left feeling helpless. Despite being the one to come up with a plan for Cy and Patrick’s rescue, I was left behind. I went outside to sulk when Tallis approached me.
“Did you not want to come?” Tallis asked briefly while looking at the Transport behind me. Something about his question annoyed me.
“Are you insinuating that I don’t want to be there for my brother?” While they had made preparations while I sat at the kitchen table earlier, I had simply watched and stewed in anger. But now? I wanted to unleash my frustrations on the unfairness of it all.
“Of course I know you want to be with your brother, Jules,” Tallis replied softly. I felt like an animal he was trying to tame. I watched his eyes wordlessly observe me. We were two people in a standoff. Tallis’ eyes flashed once again to the others as they began loading the Transport with supplies. He grabbed my arm and moved me to the side of the house, out of view from everyone else.
I opened my mouth to yell at him, but instead he grabbed my neck and pulled me forward, our lips collided with passion as I worked my anger out on his soft lips. I grazed the tips of my fingers against his stomach all while he nipped at my bottom lip.
“I want you to come with us,” Tallis whispered between kisses. I shook my head no while our lips fought for dominance. His arms wrapped around my waist and he pulled me closer while placing a confident knee between my legs.
“I want you to fight for what you want, Agapimenos,” he urged while pulling me tighter. “You are so headstrong, so perfect.”
I leaned into his words and sucked his bottom lip just as he pulled away.
“When will you stop playing the victim?” His lips tried to find mine once more, but I was frozen in anger. After noticing that I wasn’t responding to his kisses, Tallis stopped and pulled his torso away.
“I am the victim,” I growled out in frustration while placing two confident hands on his chest. I pushed him away, my feet stumbling against the force of my shove. “My parents died, then the only family I knew sent me away!” I screamed. I didn’t care who heard me, I needed to get it out.
Tallis walked closer to me but I held my hands up. “I didn’t fight to tag along on this little adventure, because there was no point. I bypassed the rejection, Tallis. I know when to give up,” I said, in a much softer tone.
Tallis brushed his hand through his long white hair. With flustered heaves of his chest, I watched as his eyes found mine. There was a devastating sadness there that lingered.
“One day, you’re going to tell them all that you’ve just told me. You could be the one to save the day, Jules. And for the record, I don’t know when to give up.”
Tallis stormed off without sparing me another glance. As he boarded the Transport with the rest of them, I bit my nails. This felt like a pivotal moment, one where I could decide to go after him and fight my way for a place on their journey or stay behind.
With a harsh exhale, I stole one last look. Despite the dark tint on the Transport windows, I felt his gaze. It made turning away and heading back to the Walker Dorms that much more painful.
Chapter Sixteen
Nikketa kept throwing me worried looks from across the fire outside her and Gordon’s tent. I’m not sure why I moseyed back to the Scavenger camp after Tallis’ departure, but for some reason, it was where I felt most comfortable.
I spent the evening silently agonizing over Tallis’ last words to me and Cyler’s disappearance. Nikketa seemed to recognize my need for space, so she left me alone to stare at the fire while reading a book.
“Did you come here to mope, or are you going to teach tonight?” Gordon asked in a bitter tone. He barely contained his disappointment about my absence the past couple days. I knew I was letting him down, but I needed a moment to breathe.
“You’re one to talk,” I replied while flipping through the pages of one of his old books. I really needed to buy him a tablet.
“What’s that supposed to mean?
“I mean,” I began while standing from the old log I was sitting on and stretching my muscles. “You ran away instead of confronting Tallis.”
Gordon rolled his eyes and huffed.
“Because he murdered my Grandfather,” Gordon replied incredulously. “What’s your excuse?”
I twisted my neck and pursed my lips, preparing to attack. “I wasn’t wanted,” I said through gritted teeth.
“Bull. Shit.” Nikketa interrupted while rubbing the soles of her feet. She rolled her neck before crouching over and inspecting her toes. I winced in disgust. She didn’t look up at me, but I felt her barely contained annoyance.
“That boy wants you. And not just as a traveling companion either,” she said with an air of certainty.
“Well, I know that…” I began, “but, it’s not that simple.”
“Then make it simple. Worry about the people that want you and stop worrying about those that don’t. You have the power here. You’re grown. Start acting like it.” Nikketa put her foot down and leaned back. Her tight
shorts pulling against her legs.
“He’s going to stop wanting me, everyone always does.” I twisted my lips into a self-deprecating half smile while looking away from her.
“Give him a little credit, why don’t you.”
“I say let him go, he’s a murderer, after all,” Gordon said under his breath. Nikketa flashed him an angry look. It seemed he and Tallis hadn’t made up yet.
“Gordon, you don’t get it. As he got older, things…changed.”
I looked at them, wondering if I should leave, but curiosity made me stay.
“He started to forget things, and then he started acting like a recluse. Then…then he started hoarding supplies and locking himself away. He’d have moments of clarity but then he’d disappear again. I hated what Tallis had to do, but he ended Hawkeye's life because he was already dead.”
My eyes flashed to Gordon’s as the truth surrounding his Grandfather's death came to light. His mouth went slack, and he shifted further back in his seat while bowing his head.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” he finally asked.
“Because Hawkeye didn’t want you to know. He didn’t want you to see his deterioration!” Nikketa pinched her lips together with the pain of losing her husband. The three of us sat silently as the other Scavengers went to their tents for the night.
Once our fire was the last one glowing in camp, Nikketa asked, “Do you want me to find someone to walk you home?”
I shook my head and stood. “I’m going to stay here tonight,” I said softly before bending over to where she was sitting and kissed her cheek goodnight. Her wrinkled hand flew to her chest as she watched me with wide eyes as I slowly made my way to Tallis’ tent. After inhaling my Scavenger Chief’s scent left on his pillow, I settled into the security of his space and sobbed myself to sleep, the loneliness feeling all too much.