by Doreen Bates
THURSDAY 31 JANUARY
Met E at Surbiton station and we had a coffee and then to St Mark’s church for F E Shaw’s funeral. The flowers were beautiful but incongruous when you thought of the shell of F E Shaw inside the small coffin. His boys looked much older than we expected, and tall, all turning after Mrs Shaw, not FES. The service was cold and short. I felt that the parson tried to put some conviction into it but was incapable. I thought the Epistle had no application and I could hardly see its beauty. I was glad to get back to the station leaving E to go on to the cemetery. E was miserable this afternoon. We talked of him for ages. It is amazing how much we knew of him and how continually he fills our thoughts. I have felt his death more than Granny’s or Uncle Arthur’s.
SATURDAY 2 FEBRUARY
At last the interminable week has nearly ended! I don’t know when I remember a longer week. We went to the Centre meeting which I loathed, crowds of revolting men drinking beer. The two things had stirred up E’s feeling about the Higher Grade and he slept badly and was still depressed this morning. I feel so unsettled now at the office. Legge is pleasant but uninterested and hasn’t enough to do. He has no repose – never is quite still – a contrast to F E Shaw, so genially placid. I should like a move but I don’t know what to do about E. I feel that unless he does something definite that would be the end. We have less and less time together apart from the office and I am not sure whether it is because he doesn’t want more or can’t get more. I wish K knew about us. I feel it would decide the whole thing and I should finish one way or the other with this unsettled precariousness.
TUESDAY 5 FEBRUARY
A joyful day – brilliant sunshine and blue sky. I wore my Tudor jumper. I don’t know why – perhaps the sunshine, perhaps I really had overcome my depression and reached some serenity but I felt happier this morning. The effect of this was to make me ‘jaunty’ and E said this had an immediate effect on him especially after I had been subdued for some days. I knew almost at once that he was actively interested in me. He said, ‘You are wearing the “holey” vest – I can see right through the holes in your jumper and vest to your skin in the sunlight.’
In the afternoon a little bickering about dictation (I said ‘Damn’, which pleased him), then to Psychology. Fidelity of report, Nonsense syllables, Mazes. He kissed me and said, ‘I should like to go to bed with you – queer how one suddenly wakes up.’ With his hand half round my waist, ‘You are so frail – so small and nice.’ It is still sweet to love – there is a sweetness in recognizing it leaping in him.
WEDNESDAY 6 FEBRUARY
We heard this morning that Goldstein is coming to Paddington from Sutton on 18th. It doesn’t sound nice – a new Senior Inspector, younger than E and a worker. We both wish we could get a shift.
THURSDAY 7 FEBRUARY
The cold wind has dropped but it has been very cold again, with sunshine this morning. Very tiring interview with Miss Horlock at 3.0. She nursed King Edward VII in 1898 till 1910, then went to US. Lost her money and had arthritis there and retired to the UK in 1929. In 1931 she had a stroke which left her very deaf.
From 5.0 till 6.05 – on and off – we loved. It is heavenly to feel I can give him pleasure. Altho’ it is mainly (I suppose) physical I feel it is somehow big and sacred. I am so glad that it is not the least bit sordid and material – that money and presents and outside considerations do not come into it.
SATURDAY 9 FEBRUARY
A happy day. I gave up having coffee with E so that we should love and it was so sweet and slow and conscious almost all the time till the passionate climax, hot and inexorable, complete as doom. I feel I can give him full satisfaction and happiness and this makes me so proud.
SATURDAY 16 FEBRUARY
Blowing a gale – the wind gets on my nerves. I am afraid of it, even out of doors. It seems so relentless and alive, roaring in the trees and driving the rain in clouds along the road. One feels so helpless. It must be an appalling experience to be at sea in a small boat in a gale. E came in late this morning. I was snappy at first to him as I felt edgy and he was still not too well. But gradually I loved him.
TUESDAY 19 FEBRUARY
The great Goldstein has arrived. I know not what he looks like except that he is big and fat, wears rimless glasses, has a thick sensual mouth and fat podgy hands. He is clearly determined to make a stir at Paddington – wants to get a typist for himself for official and private correspondence, is going to revolutionize the files and is fond of sending chits and typed memos all over the office. He and Legge strolled into my room before lunch and he made a few preliminary remarks on the untidy files – ‘Doesn’t it offend your sense of feminine neatness?’ I didn’t dislike him seriously till this afternoon when he signed a letter of mine that I hadn’t even seen. Also, Rimmer came in with a tale of woe and a heap of chits such as ‘Am I not entitled to (1) a noticeboard, (2) a calendar?’ He is clearly upsetting Rimmer. Well, we shall see.
Lunched with E at the Plane Tree and then went to the British Museum and looked at the Mexican and other Central American things. They were interesting and have surprising resemblances to Egyptian. The faces have surprising variety. E said there must be a mixture of races but I doubt it in America before the discovery.
SATURDAY 23 FEBRUARY
So ends one of the longest weeks of my life! I would never have believed that one man coming into the district could have had so much effect in such a short time. Goldstein has to my own knowledge upset Rimmer, Harrod, Creasey, Miss Hale, Miss Elliott, Hollingsworth, reduced Williams to a state of mirthless sarcasm and made E and me quite miserable. It is not that his ideas are bad – it is his method and his personality. He insists on being addressed ‘To Inspector …’, he likes typed ‘Submissions’, as if to Head Office, tho’ he is ready for ‘consultations’ on anything. He must have first claim on the typist, everyone at his beck and call. He talks about my not having had responsibility and yet he won’t leave us to do anything on our own. I am considering calling Hunter today to wangle a move and E and I are both going to ask Osler for a move and tell him why. The only things that deter me are (1) I don’t want to leave London while the parents find my 30/-per week useful and (2) it is humiliating to think one can’t stand anyone and I want to be quite certain it is due wholly to him and not even partly to an ordinary district organization. Well enough, thank heaven it’s Sunday tomorrow!
Went to the Vic with E last night to see The Kingdom of God, The Two Shepherds (Sierra) and Hippolytus (Euripides). I watched the District Ping Pong match with Finchley and kept him waiting ten mins and so we had a hasty dinner at Craig Court and got to the Vic just in time. Luckily there was heaps of room.
The Spanish trifle, about an old priest and an old doctor who were dismissed in favour of younger men, perfectly suited Morland Graham as the priest. The setting was attractive. The Greek seemed even to me incongruous with modern lighting and illusion but apart from this the production was impressive and the play came over effectively. How marvellous for Euripides to be admired and understood after 2,500 years. Yet his life was unhappy. I just begin to follow the saying ‘he that shall lose his life shall save it’. In sorrow lies wisdom and development of the spirit, I am afraid. May I in sorrow have strength to do right even to my own loss.
MONDAY 25 FEBRUARY
Have felt a little better today, mainly because the great ‘I AM’ has only called to give me yet another typed form (for CI arrears) and because I have got through some work quite well. Waffled with E – he has been rather nice (and quite detached). He read me out a long extract from Hardy about the barn, from The Woodlanders, and shearing. He thinks it is one of the finest prose passages in literature known to him. He said he would learn it by heart. There is a fineness and genuineness about it which is most satisfying. I must read some more Hardy. We talked a little at tea and almost decided that the most satisfactory thing is to concentrate and really get to the bottom of one thing. E said two things, with one predominant – an art
and a science, and one of them connected with the country. The difficulty is to choose – it mustn’t be too small, like knitting jumpers, or too big like world literature.
WEDNESDAY 27 FEBRUARY
A perfect winter’s day yesterday, sunny and cold, and today the worst kind of winter’s day – cold, wet and a strong wind. It snowed hard till 10.0 and then rained without ceasing till 4.0. Yet in spite of this I have been so happy.
Met E at Guildford. I had doubts whether he would be there, but there he was in his grey woolly suit and mackintosh. We had coffee and it then became clear that it was impossible to walk so we rushed back to Waterloo. We went to the Haymarket and saw Barnet’s Folly. It was better than I expected, especially Muriel Aked and Jan Stewer. Nicer than all, the gallery was half empty so we had the back of it to ourselves for Acts 2 and 3. E held me tightly and once he put a small warm kiss on the back of my neck.
Tea and scones at the Thistle. He is on leave tomorrow as well and I said at Charing Cross I hoped it would be better. He said, ‘It might be a finer day but it couldn’t be better.’ Oh, marvellous to mean so much to each other. It must be too good to last, and yet now it is almost 17 months since he told me.
THURSDAY 28 FEBRUARY
Our friend Bertie* has been almost unbearable today, but we will not dwell on him in case the thought banishes sleep. I had a poem last night about us, just simmering below consciousness – all the feeling and almost the concrete expression, but I fear it has fled. E had a lovely day for leave.
FRIDAY 1 MARCH
Re-posted my letter to Hunter today and while Margot and I were at skating he rang up. I spoke to him when I got back. He was very nice and surprised to hear about Goldstein. His son – a fat boy – is in John’s form at Whitgift. He told me to ask Osler for a move and then he (Hunter) would be able to fix it up. I felt a bit mean not to do more for E, but I am bad at asking favours. It is at any rate clear that the Inspecting Officer’s recommendation is the thing to get. Hunter told me not to make any fuss about Goldstein – a girl doesn’t get a square deal. It looks fairly certain I shall get a move in May anyhow and Hunter will try to keep me in town. It shouldn’t make much difference to us.
TUESDAY 5 MARCH
I have reacted to Goldstein with spiteful dislike. He put on AB Davis ‘Keep in touch with me’ so I fixed an interview this afternoon and practically agreed to drop the case. What will he say? He is making E miserable – keeps raising footling points. I hope he gets a move.
Another lovely sunny day. We lunched at Mandes and walked back through the Park. He has been feeling rotten but I think I improved him. I don’t know – how I should love to bring Goldstein low. It would be doubtful and dangerous – humiliating if unsuccessful and dangerous if not – or provoke him to slap my face – safer, but not so effective.
WEDNESDAY 6 MARCH
It’s a poor thing I am! Again I have cried in the bath. It has its conveniences, i.e. privacy and the disposal of tears is easy. I think too much of E. I must find something else to think about. He went to the Queen’s Hall about seats for tomorrow’s concert. There were only orchestra and side stalls so he got none. I don’t know how much he wants me. He likes to talk to me, to feel that I am in the office as a sort of background, but he makes practically no effort now to do things with me. It is probably just inertia. Goldstein makes him dismal, I know, and he has heaps of work. He has been working at home all the week. I suppose I’m suffering from a conflict between love and pride. I wish I knew, tho’. Heaven preserve me from becoming another Hippolyta!
FRIDAY 8 MARCH
A fine triumphant day with moments of sweetest happiness. We had a very hasty lunch and a small discussion of Ibsen and hurried back to the office as we both had appointments at 2.30.
E decided to come to the Westminster with me to see Happy and Glorious. Just before the curtain rose he said, ‘You’ve been a tremendous help to me this last fortnight.’ Just ten words but I’ve glowed with happiness ever since. It’s not that I have tried to be or even that I may have been a help, but just that he knew and felt. It was like struggling in the dark as he seemed not to be aware of me at all. God, how I love him.
TUESDAY 12 MARCH
A hectic day at the office signing claims, seeing a woman accountant re Magnet BS and issuing Schedule A duplicates as Goldstein had a whole day interview re the United Dairies. At Psychology we did the Time Sense experiment and I found I was quite accurate – could tell one fifteenth longer or shorter than 2 secs. Typed draft of E’s appeal.*
THURSDAY 14 MARCH
An unpleasant day – cold and dark with an overhead fog so that I developed a headache. Had a brush with Goldstein. I knew I should have to see him and shivered and wobbled at the thought. He took the attitude that his harassing was not criticism but helpful advice and instruction with future reference to a Special Inspection. I got a blow in about (1) working lists and (2) his PS in manuscript to my letters – told him in 2 cases this week he had added what I had deliberately omitted. I should be glad if he would discuss his amendments with me first. Felt much better afterwards.
SUNDAY 17 MARCH
Today has broken the chain of concentration on Goldstein. I am so happy that I have that power. We took the train to Groombridge. He pretended to be thrilled to be on a line new to him. We found a private road and footpath nearly all the way to Crowborough. Lovely country, characteristic of the Sussex/Kent border – low point of hills showing blue in the gaps wooded to the top, green meadows and oast houses, streams and primroses and pussy willows. We had a very small picnic lunch in a field by the road and loved for half an hour with a lark singing with abandon just over our heads. So sweet to feel him awakening till he said, ‘Now I’m all stirred up I want to try everything with you, even perversions.’ I said, ‘I’m glad you still like me.’ He said, ‘I shall go on always. The sex side has been quite quiet the last few weeks but still I liked you. That proves it.’
WEDNESDAY 20 MARCH
In the Park at lunchtime every day. Three days of tension and dramatic clashes at the office – the General Inspection and our attempts to persuade Osler of the position. On Tuesday morning I asked him for a move, keeping to the reason that I wanted experience. He agreed. Today E asked him for a move for personal reasons. He agreed, but said it was unlikely we’d both get moves. Rimmer told Osler clearly what had happened. Civval asked for a move, Miss Hale is going to. Goldstein looks uneasy and had grown quite polite and genial. Osler seemed quite overcome and went home at 3.0.
THURSDAY 21 MARCH
The first day of Spring and the loveliest 21st March I remember. Brilliant sunshine, a cloudless blue sky, very warm, the daffodils dancing in the Park. Lunch with Reen,* Glasson and E. Then took Mrs Potter’s file up to Osler and talked to him about Goldstein and he quite vindicated me. E is quite confident about his promotion to Higher Grade Inspector of Taxes and he quite liked me.
SATURDAY 23 MARCH
Major Barbara at Vic last night. We had been going together when K phoned to say she was coming so we had dinner at Craig Court and I went alone in the gallery. I didn’t mind when the play began. In fact I forgot all about E except in the intervals. Shaw is so stimulating, but this morning I didn’t like him till lunchtime. We picnicked and then he said, ‘Just 2 minutes; I feel like loving you – much more than last Sunday.’ So sweet, tho’ not quite perfect. Before we went he said, ‘I shouldn’t care what you said to me because I should know that underneath you loved me.’
I rushed home to help to entertain Aunty Katie* and the Benbows.† Quite an amusing evening. I thought how aghast they would all be if they knew that a few hours before I had been in the arms of a married man! I was sorry for Aunty Katie. She was nervy and feels the responsibility of the family and the house. A rather heated discussion with Mr Benbow on art. He thinks Epstein is wicked – art must tell the truth!
MONDAY 25 MARCH
Wore my zig-zag blouse tucked in with Rosa’s belt. E liked it and said, ‘
You fancy yourself in that, you can’t hide your feelings.’ Picnicked in my room and then waffle and coffee while he explained the Wheatstone bridge to me again. I told E that if it were not for the parents I should like 2 – just 2 – babies. We discussed the effect on Establishments and at length he said, ‘Just let me put my cheek against yours.’ He is better. I signed the post today. Goldstein said it would be good experience for me!