by Doreen Bates
I was reasonably pleased to have an acknowledgement of my Mass Observation from Madge, thanking me for a model report on Oct 12th.
May it be fine for the rest of the week. To Dorset with Ella tomorrow. I am glad of the breathing space and to get away from the office.
FRIDAY 5 NOVEMBER
On Monday morning B rang me up and asked me to dine with him on Thursday. I also found a letter from E saying he had told K all that had happened. She had forgiven him but hadn’t really understood, but – a surprise – had offered to have a baby. Between these two things I was quite upset. By lunchtime I had a headache. I couldn’t work or think or decide what to do. I felt quite helpless. E said, ‘Our life together must end,’ but he saw no reason why we shouldn’t meet now and then and write.
SUNDAY 7 NOVEMBER
On Thursday I met B at 5.30 outside Flemings and he took me to dinner at Regent Palace. It was big and certainly palatial. We went to the superior of the 2 restaurants and he had Chablis and coffee afterwards. I felt rather unworthy but I told him a little about E. He seemed rather dashed but I thought I owed him honesty at least, even if only as explanation of failure to encourage him more. He had first accused me of being a brick wall. There is something about him I like. I told him I wanted babies. He told me his view of marriage as companionship and the sanctity of the oath. I liked his independence of mind, his lavishness and attention and enjoyed his compliments and care that I should catch my train. He taxi-ed me to Charing Cross and kissed me twice on the lips. I didn’t mind – in fact, I liked him physically. At the station I had a fit of trembling and shivering – again, I can’t imagine why. He rang me up on Friday morning and I sent him a note of thanks. I can’t make up my mind what to do with him. If it is only the difference in manner it shouldn’t matter but so far I can’t trust myself to him. It isn’t for anything he does or says or looks. I suspect it is just because he is different from E. Perhaps because he has an irrational, mystical streak which makes him incalculable. If so, it is foolish because everyone has this streak. E certainly has. I also had a letter from E on Friday.
TUESDAY 9 NOVEMBER
Yesterday I went to Russell’s lecture which, so far as I was capable of judging, was one of the best yet, on Power and Opinion. Very sane and unimpassioned. I didn’t go to Joad’s lecture and came home with Margot. I found at the office a long letter from B, rather severe. I spent a good deal of the morning replying. In view of the fact that he told me conclusively he could not marry I feel his attitude is unreasonable. However …!
THURSDAY 11 NOVEMBER
A hectic morning. I found a letter from B which I read till 10.15, dictated till 10.45. A letter from E came while I was dictating so I began to read it. B phoned at 10.45 till 10.50. Interrupted at 10.55 by a message that von Marx had called to see me; arranged to see him after the two minutes’ silence, spent them vainly trying to concentrate on the problems of peace and war but my mind was filled with B and E. Saw old von Marx, returned to E’s letter, interrupted by James’ discussion of a point on copyright royalties of Berlitz School of Languages and Miss Cameron about claims. I decided I must write a note to B and began to read his letter again. Before I’d read a page he phoned again and talked till 2.15. I promised to meet him on Sat at 1.25, went to lunch at 2.20 till 2.45, did the claims (9), saw a girl accountant from E Watts about Yevonde and had a general discussion on women and jobs, signed the post, did a little work of my own and finally DJ came down quite pleasantly to see how much had accumulated.
My mind is in a muddle. I don’t know what to do. It is, as Elsie suggests, a turning point.
FRIDAY 12 NOVEMBER
I have done – on impulse – what may be a decisive thing today. It was cold but the sun shone brilliantly from a pure pale blue sky this morning and I felt as if things couldn’t be wrong. In the bus I decided to lunch with E, partly because I couldn’t bear the dismalness of his letter, partly because I thought I could manage it without getting emotional. I read his letter through again and dialled his number without thinking again. After a lot of trouble I got through and was very surprised to find my voice had almost disappeared. I could just about croak the appointment. He said, ‘Usual time and place,’ without comment and we rang off. I felt overwhelmed – all sorts of feelings just chased each other round my mind; the beating of my heart almost choked me; I didn’t know whether to burst into tears or roar with laughter. I thought I must calm down and to do that work is the best thing. I did the claims, powdered my nose and set off in the sunshine in a dream. He was a few minutes late. I am glad I managed well and did not dry at all. I was, on the whole, better than he. We just talked as we used to during lunch, filling the gap in facts and only discussed the situation at the bottom of the escalator for 10 minutes. The joy of seeing him and hearing him and getting at once back to the easy communication we achieved, the restfulness of knowing I would be understood and followed without mistake and complication. The bliss, the utter bliss of that snatched hour! I didn’t feel the faintest throb of physical desire but I knew that whatever I did or didn’t do I should love him utterly with my whole mind and feeling to the end of things. My love has gone through and beyond physical attraction and has become the centre of everything for me. All the afternoon I felt absurdly light-hearted.
SUNDAY 14 NOVEMBER
Well, I can’t understand me. Yesterday it was very cold but brilliant sunshine and I met B at 12.05. Lunch at Flemings and we walked through the park to Victoria and caught the 1.48 to Merstham. I took him the walk through Gatton and over Colley Hill. It was warm walking and there was hardly any wind. The leaves had nearly all fallen. The curves of the downs along Gatton were lovely and he liked them. He doesn’t know many birds and trees but is quite enthusiastic, pleasant to walk with. Under the beeches on Colley Hill he kissed me etc for three quarters of an hour perhaps. Surprisingly, I quite liked him and responded to the stimulus. A robin came and hopped round us. Tea at Reigate for 2 hours and we talked. I don’t know quite what will happen. I liked him better than before. To see him against a familiar background was reassuring and he survived it better than I should have thought.
Gatton Park
MONDAY 22 NOVEMBER
E rang me up at 12.45 today and talked for a quarter of an hour. I was so surprised I could hardly believe it. He said, ‘as guide, philosopher and friend’ and wanted my advice as to whether to appeal against his failure to be promoted. I didn’t mind what he wanted. It was the fact of his ringing me up that elated me. Said he was still scratching his head over my letter of last Monday. He is coming to the London meeting tomorrow. I shall see him if only in the distance.
TUESDAY 23 NOVEMBER
A full day. I had tea with E and walked to Waterloo after the meeting. We talked about impersonal things – Russia, China, Japan, the Labour Party, the gas drill lectures, his chances of HG. It was such peace to see him and talk to him. He kept me at a distance, I think because he has not, and cannot yet, reply to my letter.
SUNDAY 28 NOVEMBER
This must be very short as it is bitterly cold. It is only because I have just had a bath that I can write anything. I met B yesterday at 12.05 and we lunched at Flemings. It was dull and inclined to be foggy so we did not go anywhere to walk. We just strolled round Hyde Park and Kens Gardens – not where E and I used to lunch but round the Serpentine. That was bad enough but I managed to be fairly callous. He kissed me hastily once or twice. At 3.30 we had tea at Stewarts and at 4.30 we went into Hyde Park again to amble till it was time for dinner. He found a darkish corner and held me and kissed me till it was too cold. I quite like him to make love to me. He is pleasant and very considerate and has nice hands. We had dinner at the Regent Palace again and he was lavish with wine and chocolates. I think Uncle Arthur Bates was there, tho’ I’m not sure. Anyway, between this and the chocolates to account for I decided to inform the family where I had been.
THURSDAY 2 DECEMBER
I am so tired with one thing after anot
her – nothing much in themselves but most wearing. Tuesday Elsie rang up at 12.45 to ask me to lunch with her in Bloomsbury as she was having an interview for a job at 3.30. A minute or two later B rang up to ask me if I had misunderstood the letter I had from him in the morning. I was in the middle of replying to it. Poor thing! He was in a dismal state, a conflict between inclination and prudence. He wants to see me and make me love him but his conscience tells him it is not fair as he has nothing to offer me. I comforted him as best I could. He sounded quite desperate, was afraid the worry might affect his mind. Then I rushed to lunch with Elsie, came back and worked hard till 4.50 when I dashed off to catch the 5.10 home. Yesterday, at 1.50, E rang up to ask me the answer to a question he expected Smeed to ask him in the course of the Special Inspection he is to have. I didn’t know the answer but said I’d see what I could discover and ring him at 2.0. I did and we talked again and he asked me to lunch tomorrow to tell me about the Inspection. So that will be lovely.
FRIDAY 3 DECEMBER
A hurried exciting day with nothing much done. Lunch with E was the best thing. I sat and listened to his account of his Special Inspection and hoped and feared and worried with him. Two talks with him on the phone this afternoon. He was in a nervy state – hadn’t slept, had been concentrating too much, very edgy. He said he felt better as we went back. I hoped (with no grounds for hoping) that it was partly me.
TUESDAY 14 DECEMBER
A letter in the morning from B which upset me. He had misunderstood my last letter and was quite extreme in his bitterness. I decided I should never love him enough to marry him even if he had enough money. Such an unstable, uncertain character would be nerve-racking. For the first time I made a serious comparison with E’s calm, rational temper. I wrote to him hoping to make him feel better (for he must have been upset himself) and this morning he rang up, the storm having blown over. I am dining with him on Friday.
THURSDAY 16 DECEMBER
Still cold tho’ not so wet and snowy. Lunched with E to give him Huxley’s Ends and Means to read. He quite jumped at it. I told him I was dining with B tomorrow and a bit about him. I liked E so much. I don’t know what to do. I felt dismal tonight.
SUNDAY 19 DECEMBER
Still as cold and, this evening, fog. B took me to the RP on Friday. The waitress was inefficient and B complained with the result that we were given (in compensation) the most superb pêche melba I have ever seen, let alone tasted. I enjoyed the evening. He was quite sweet to me but I am more than doubtful whether a permanent attachment would work. I fear he thinks I am a hussy at bottom and his views are terribly rigid. His letter of last Sunday was in a way a blessing in an odd form. It revealed him in the cold clear light of day, shorn of the glamour shed by his admiration. Well, we shall see. At the moment I have just gone back to wishing K at the bottom of the sea.
WEDNESDAY 22 DECEMBER
I must have spent at least an hour speaking on the phone, first to B (who rang up to ask how my cold was and hear how my voice was); 5 minutes later to E (who wanted to verify Elsie’s address as he was sending her book on with a letter about it. We actually discussed Ends and Means for some time. He liked it too); finally, at 5 to 5 Elsie herself (who just wanted to know how things were going).
FRIDAY 24 DECEMBER
I had lunch with B yesterday. I wore my cherry jumper and black costume and hat as it was very mild. He liked me and asked me to cancel my music lesson and have tea with him. I did, and afterwards we decided to walk through the Park. He kissed me and then there wasn’t time to walk so we went by bus. He gave me 3 pairs of stockings and an enormous box of chocolates and another big box for M. The family were most impressed.
1938
SUNDAY 2 JANUARY
Now, while the family is at church, I will make the first entry of the new year. It has been misty, damp, chilly and dark for most of the day. After dinner I typed Mass Observation reports and wrote to Mrs Parsons to thank her for the cream she sent us. Today is the first quiet leisurely day since last Monday.
I have been much preoccupied with B this week. I have seen a lot of him, talked to him on the phone, written 2 or 3 letters to him and had 2 long ones from him and thought a good deal about him. On Tuesday I met him at 4.30 and had tea at the ABC and then he took me to dinner at the Regent Palace. It was nice and we had wine. Afterwards I caught the 10.29 and he came on the platform to see me off and, somehow, on the spur of the minute he hopped in and walked up the hill with me. The evening had a melancholy tinge because we had said it would be our last outing. The relationship must end because he couldn’t afford to take it further. However, on Wednesday he was in town on work and rang me up to ask me to have tea. At tea he said he would go on seeing me till the end of the year. We talked on and finally we decided to have dinner together. We went (economically) to the Corner House and I caught the 10.44 home. On Thursday he was having an interview in the city and rang me up at 12.15 to have lunch. We went to Flemings and I had 2 hours for lunch. On Friday he rang me up saying he would be in town to see Russell’s solicitor and could we have dinner for the last time? I had all sorts of jobs to do and thought it impossible at first but finally took half a day’s leave and did my odd jobs. We had a pleasant, lively dinner at the Corner House and he gave me an Eversharp pencil. There was an atmosphere of subdued excitement. We caught the 10.05 and he came down with me – and kissed me again and again on the way. It took me half an hour to come from the station.
I don’t really know about him. I like him in many ways. There are many things about his character I like: his generosity and lavishness, his frankness and honesty, his power of sticking to his principles. Intellectually I feel mixed. He is quick and intelligent in a concrete way (as one would expect in a person with his education and practical experience). He has an almost uncanny power of reading people’s minds. He would be difficult to deceive. He is observant and quick at drawing inferences. He thinks I might be bored with him if he couldn’t (or wouldn’t) be interested in the books and plays I like. I don’t know whether this is so. I haven’t been bored with him yet. The main point on which I am doubtful is his attitude to me. He is considerate and gentle and would spoil me. This is the pleasant aspect of his attitude. On the other hand he might be jealous (to an unreasonable extent) and would probably be possessive, I am not sure if I could adapt myself sufficiently to this. Perhaps I could. He is prepared, in theory anyway, to give and take. I don’t know. At any rate it probably doesn’t matter for he is quite firm about terminating our relationship owing to his position. I have seriously thought of him. It is perhaps as well that his position makes him put the brake on for I might easily slip into marrying him partly because he would give me a child and look after me, partly because I am so weary of fending for myself. This wouldn’t be fair to him however much I resolved to settle down and ‘do my duty’ to him afterwards.
I lunched with E on Tuesday. His prospects of promotion are not cheerful. He was rather dismal and lifeless. He rang me up in the morning and I suggested lunching because he sounded so miserable. I like to feel he wants to talk to me and that I can do something to cheer him up but I don’t know that these meetings are really sensible, anyway until he has replied to my last serious letter. Heaven knows when he will. I love him still but he (or just circumstances) has killed my faith in the power and strength and right of my love. My faith and hope in it and him are dead. I just drift from one thing to another, or one person to another, with no will or purpose.
TUESDAY 4 JANUARY
A horrid day – dull, dark, cold, north wind, thick drizzle at lunchtime. Not a pleasant day.
In addition I found I was missing B. He rang up (officially) yesterday morning. We almost had tea but just kept his resolution. I have thought of him and wanted him continually, and also thought of E with unmerited resentment almost. He hasn’t replied to my letter of 15th Nov. Does he think it doesn’t matter to me either way?
WEDNESDAY 12 JANUARY
I don’t kno
w about B. I doubt if I could put up with him permanently. He is unreasonably sensitive and won’t accept my statement of how I feel. He was huffy because I hadn’t had time to read both his books – would hardly discuss the one I had read. I did my best but he was not mollified. I am afraid he jumps to conclusions, sees people through his own spectacles, either very rosy or very black, has no detachment or objectivity. We talked of foreign politics. He horrified me by saying he thought our only policy was to slaughter all Germans, Japs and Italians without exception. Realized this was impracticable but it was the only final remedy. Also inclined to jeer at my highbrow taste in literature – had lent Ends and Means to some man who read a lot – about 500 books – who said he had struggled through 4 chapters and found it heavy going. B couldn’t read books that weren’t practical – would only stuff up his mind. I suppose this attitude is natural in the circumstances. The more difficult it is to provide one’s bread the larger it looms and the more important it is in one’s mind. But, combined with his emotional corners, it made me rather dismal. I felt quite out of touch with him. I wasn’t bored and the evening just slipped away but I felt far off and was surprised to find tears were running down my nose at Charing Cross station.