by Doreen Bates
Reen has not been promoted. I really feel that if she is not good enough I shan’t be, but I was so glad to see the end of my Special that I just want to fade into graceful obscurity as soon as I can. Anyway, the suspense will soon be over.
Yesterday on M’s advice I went to Hammersmith to see the American film The Birth of a Baby. It is good and rubbed in by diagrams and photographs what I knew before. There was a marvellous sequence showing the actual birth. It made me want still more to have one.
SUNDAY 25 FEBRUARY
I said to R yesterday if I could afford it I should adopt a baby. She said she must leave it to me. I shall let this idea simmer for a while.
SUNDAY 3 MARCH
Feeling ill and coughing I went to City 10 on Thursday afternoon in a bitter east wind and sleet. I saw John* who struck me as very earnest but not unpleasant. Nicholas went through his cases – they seemed incomprehensible, but not too many. I expect it won’t be too bad after a few weeks. The office is just by Fenchurch St Station, with the Tower round the corner. The district specializes in East Indies rubber companies and Ceylon tea companies with a sprinkling of shipping and produce importers and brokers. A poky little room but quiet and not too dark.
I haven’t any flicker of hope for promotion. Nicholas thought Wardrop no good when he had him. WG told me they are going far down the list. I have an idea he knows I haven’t got it though he hasn’t said anything.
MONDAY 4 MARCH
I am so tired – all day at St George’s packing, saying goodbye, talking to Couzens who seems mild and agreeable. SKC helped me with packing and moved into my room at the same time. I gave JWC Texts and Pretexts and Poems of Today, the D room cigarettes, and everyone cake. I am leaving a lot but it couldn’t be helped.
At lunch E said his father was being moved to Kingston on Wednesday. I told him about the baby film. He said, ‘I want you to have one’ – in reply to a question.
Couzens had Wardrop for a Special without result too. Ominous!
TUESDAY 5 MARCH
Today to fresh woods and pastures new, meaning City 10 and an ABC in Bishopsgate for lunch. I have done little work – something on a quicksilver company who moved its control to Switzerland; a company with farms and a brickyard near Hastings; Colonial Wharves Ltd which are at Wapping etc. John still strikes me as earnest but quite agreeable; I have seen Beament who is like an old stork, very short-sighted and deaf but pleasant; the SCO Perkin who lives at Coulsdon and has a harelip; Miss Inkpen (CA) 61, and round but cordial; Billingham (formerly Paddington). I can get to St Botolph, Bishopsgate to meet E in just over 6 minutes and so can he.
A letter waiting for me from McCreath giving me a copy of minutes of meeting on retention of women on marriage. He also said that further promotions would not be made for some time.
WEDNESDAY 6 MARCH
I walked from London Bridge this morning. I saw some Billingsgate porters with white overalls and queer iron hats like round double saucepans. They were almost finished but a few were carrying boxes of fish on their heads and the smell of fish hung around Eastcheap.
I dictated a few letters, one of which contained an arithmetical slip of £10 which John found. I must be careful. It is easy to make slips over easy things when you can’t understand most things. He came in and talked this afternoon and Salmon introduced himself this morning. It all strikes me as very cloistered and calm. All my letters typed in less than an hour! My boxes came and I feel more at home.
A Billingsgate porter
THURSDAY 7 MARCH
E rang me up from home this morning to cancel lunch. He could say only that his father had died. He rang me again this afternoon from a box and said more. He seems to have had a stroke in the ambulance and was unconscious from then. They reached Kingston at 5.00 and he died at 9.00. The local doctor won’t give a certificate without a post mortem and they will want him buried at Sheffield, so the funeral will be next Wednesday. It is the best thing for the old man but it is unfortunate that they tried to move him so late in the day.
SATURDAY 9 MARCH
E can’t start a baby this month. I can see at least two good reasons for waiting another month: 1) I shall have recovered more from flu; 2) I shall have settled down more at City 10. Both should improve the environment. I got the impression that he will let me next month. But, of course, one never knows what may happen in a month.
I went to St George’s yesterday. It took over 30 minutes from Seething Lane. I met SKC who was very cordial but on his way to the city. It seemed familiar and homely to run up to the 5th floor for my parcel. JWC showed me some shantung blouses at Dorothy Perkins and I bought a flame-coloured one for 6/11d. Then we had tea and walked through the Park to Lancaster Gate where JWC lives. Her room is very convenient and we talked. She gave me an Eversharp propelling pencil which made me feel quite moved. This was very sweet as St George’s doesn’t do this kind of thing.
I felt a bit better at City 10. Miss Inkpen is rather a sweet old thing. Also I got through an EPT to the extent of deciding there wasn’t any!
GOOD FRIDAY, 22 MARCH
I don’t know about E. He has been quite animated this week at lunch about books and work. He says he is still nervy. He doesn’t say or do anything, I am getting almost apathetic. I feel I shan’t say any more about a baby and I don’t suppose he will. I am inclined to wait till the beginning of June and then if the position is the same as now I just finish with him. I had too great a faith in the strength of our love.
The news is still full of our air-raid on Sylt. Everyone has boosted it to counteract the bad blow of Finland’s surrender to Russia.
SUNDAY 31 MARCH
On Wednesday I told E that I must try next week, if at all, this time and said no more – resolving not to mention it if he did not – trying to walk ‘humbly’. On Friday he did – merely to say, ‘Next week did you say? You are rigid’ – Yesterday I asked him if he intended to do anything and he said he would arrange to have a day’s leave. So perhaps – but even this has coloured my dreaming. On Friday night a golden dream – I put our son into his arms and we were both filled with joy.
THURSDAY 4 APRIL
Today we have been walking. We did not say anything till after lunch, although it was lovely all day – somehow en rapport. Much more than last time we went walking – (due, I think, to my knowing with certainty that he was not interested in me physically). He is in a state of conflict – said he would want what I want but for K, but he still thinks she must be told and if possible be brought to agreement before I try to have a child; but he wants me to have one. Although we are no nearer I was happier and I enjoyed the day.
SATURDAY 6 APRIL
At coffee today E said, ‘I feel considerably impressed by your view – but you must wait till next time’ – as if with an effort, but he meant it. He was moved; I was wrong in saying we were no nearer on Thursday – we are now, anyway. I feel (and M agrees) it is useless to talk to K now, since he has decided not to suggest a separation. That being so she is not really concerned in my child, and it is merely shifting the responsibility to consult her beforehand – putting her into an impossible position of having to judge – asking her for a blank cheque. M thinks she should be told afterwards so as to avoid the necessity of deception. What makes me rejoice is that E wants a child – I can feel the strength of the fulfilment for him. He said Richard was the only thing or person his father took an interest in while he was at Tamworth and this was clearly owing to the feeling that he was leaving something behind. This is what I want him to feel to some extent. But he has practically promised – if nothing happens to prevent it.
WEDNESDAY 10 APRIL
At lunchtime yesterday the posters flared with the German invasion of Norway and Denmark. E had bought an Evening News and we read such details as there were while we were waiting for our lunch. Denmark made no resistance. Norway was fighting but the Germans had occupied Trondheim, Narvik, Bergen, Stavanger, Christiansand and Oslo. Today we have hear
d the naval and air force help we have given – eight German ships sunk; two of ours and another damaged; three German ships on fire. It is appalling – hell let loose.
Last night I called at St George’s and saw SKC for half an hour – he was very cordial. I was on the way to Queens Rd to an informal party at Miss Le Huquet’s flat – she, Preston, K Bennett, Read, Rochford, Ellis, Kelly. To debate on the alleged prejudice against the promotion of women and what to do about the marriage ban. There was of course a lot of scandal. I created some interest with the move to City 10 and my Special Inspection. They all exhorted me to appeal if, as they think, I don’t get promotion. It is thought that they have decided not to promote a woman without looking at her. I don’t know, but I don’t think I can bring myself to appeal. I quite liked them, especially Bennett and Preston and Le Huquet. But how can they feel so strongly on these feminist topics with the world falling about their ears?
R and I talked this evening. She disapproved of M going to a lecture after being away for a long weekend. She is really very good but there are difficulties; she said we weren’t frank with her – I said, No – for two reasons (a) not to make her share in my worries and unhappiness (b) not to be dominated by her personality. I think she understood and I did not do too badly.
THURSDAY 11 APRIL
I am reading You and Heredity and this led to a discussion at lunch. E said when you consider inheritance it seems impossible that it ‘just happened’. Life is like a child with a Meccano set whose father helps at a crucial point of difficulty.
I met JWC at Marble Arch and we had tea – she said nearly everyone at St George’s knew we were meeting and sent their love – which is very nice. Harris (the new SCO) said he was very sorry I had had a move. I just basked in approbation. I like JWC.
TUESDAY 30 APRIL
Yesterday we intended to try to start a baby. We went to Ashtead. It was colder and dull all day though it improved in the evening. It was a lovely, lovely walk but we did nothing, though we got nearer, and were in good understanding. We may have Thursday off to try. We couldn’t have yesterday as it was our General Inspection and Cox (the IO) came in to see me.
Ashtead Common
SUNDAY 5 MAY
On Thursday we had a day’s leave and went to Three Bridges – walked the old route past Worth Church, through the forest to the Cowdray Arms. It was dullish but did not rain and was not too chilly. The primroses, sorrel, anemones, birches, violets were overwhelmingly beautiful and we lunched on soup and sandwiches at the inn. After this the day went wrong. We took the Handcross road past great fantastic beeches and we couldn’t get back to the forest. We had to walk all the way to Handcross up the main road 2 miles to Pease Pottage. I was so tired and dispirited that I had to have tea there which took a quarter of an hour and was very bad. We went a good route along a lane and path back to Three Bridges but we had to rush it and just caught the train. E said he had intended to try to make a baby in the afternoon. It was as much my fault as his as I had not taken my map. But it was so maddening when we have so little opportunity and the best time is short. I was dismal on Friday and yesterday – so dismal that I made it worse for him, till at coffee yesterday he suddenly adopted a new tactic and said, ‘You might spare a few pitying thoughts for me. I feel completely hemmed in. You flutter like a bird in a cage – don’t see anything outside it’ – completely successful, since the worst element in my despair was the thought that he was more or less contented. Which shows how hopelessly selfish my love is still.
WDN confirmed my expectation that I had been passed over for HG. Ten promotions and not one woman. Though I may need the money and I suppose I should have got a kick out of it I can’t feel it is of much importance. E is much more concerned than I. It is so odd – he is much more moved (apparently) about this than about our failure to get on with a baby, which seems to me supremely important. I suppose I must go and see Down to find out, if possible, what is the matter with me, but the whole subject is distasteful.
Margot was 30 yesterday. I wish she could be lucky. She is lucky in her work and in her health and looks, and heaps of things, but I wish she could be lucky in love.
SUNDAY 19 MAY
A fortnight, and the most eventful fortnight of the war. Last Sunday was Whit Sunday and on the Friday before the Germans invaded Holland and Belgium. Holland resisted for a few days but the Fifth Column was appallingly successful again. Belgium, supported by Britain, was more successful, but on Friday last Antwerp and Brussels were abandoned. A German attack in the Sedan region has made a big bulge and the French have had to retire. A colossal battle, and if the Germans are successful an attack on England is likely – air – parachute – navy. One again lives a moment at a time.
E went to Seaton with K and Elsie the day before the Netherlands invasion. I saw him again last Friday and found him hopeless – quite gone to pieces. He can see no way of averting the downfall of European civilization except a miracle. I talked to him, and finally asked him whether anything I said made a difference to him. He said, ‘I don’t know that what you say does – but you do.’
I sent in notice of appeal against being passed over. I saw Down, who said that it was due to ‘lack of firmness in management’; work average till 2 years ago since when it has been better! I have also discussed it with Le Huquet (phone), KC (phone), WG at lunch on the Friday before Whitsun, Mahon (who phoned me and told me to wear a fetching hat!), McCreath at an AIT meeting, Brennan (on the stair), John, Salmon – as well as E.
WEDNESDAY 22 MAY
There is almost nothing but the war. Things were worse yesterday – the Germans have almost reached the coast – claimed to be in Abbeville at the mouth of the Somme. The Government has taken dictatorial powers; Weygand has succeeded Gamelin; the French have been incredibly unprepared! It must be unbelievable negligence or Fifth Column. Moment to moment one is amazed to be alive. E can think of nothing else and is confident of disaster. I do my best with him but it makes no difference. And if we are alive I want to try to start a baby on Friday or Saturday. He said, ‘Your courage is sublime but it is just sheer obstinacy and dogged faith in life.’
I went to St George’s yesterday and saw SKC. He was pessimistic but there I did produce some effect. Today I have a blister on my lip. Also saw JWC. On the whole women stand up to the strain better than men. Are we blinder or braver than the men?
MONDAY 27 MAY
Still alive, and the night is peaceful. Hawthorn clotted with white, its scent and honeysuckle filling the air. But the view in London is that the position is ‘increasingly grave’.
We went to Merstham and walked by Colley Hill to Redhill on Saturday afternoon. It was heavy and thundery with a hot gusty wind. E had a bad throat. There were heaps of people there. I felt utterly hopeless and just cried and cried. E was nice. All through the weekend I felt the same plus a headache induced by crying. This morning the Secretary of the Promotions Board rang me up to ask me to complete the appeal form. Oddly enough, this seemed the last straw. E said at lunchtime he would do his best to give me a baby one day this week – but I don’t feel any confidence (not about him but about the future).
TUESDAY 28 MAY
So Hitler has scored again. King Leopold has ordered his army to cease fighting and the English and French in Belgium are almost surrounded. It has been a gloomy day, but Reynaud, Churchill and Duff Cooper have spoken with resolution. I worked hard on EPT and on a shipping concern this afternoon. We were both hopeless at lunch but E said, ‘Thursday.’ He had also tried to do something on my appeal.
THURSDAY 30 MAY
So – an achievement and a promise to end this book. We went to Ashtead this afternoon – a lovely sunny day with a fresh breeze – a field of sainfoin and the trees in full leaf. There in a copse of young beeches with two horses and a cow in a field a few yards away, guns sounding faintly, E did his part. Now I hope – I hope so much that it will ‘take’ to use his expression. So short in time and so apparently effortless
; he said, ‘It shows what power you have over me.’ May his gift not be wasted. I feel so proud that he should think me worth the effort.
I sent off my appeal form too.
Leave is to be abolished, hours to be lengthened. So we have been just in time – I hope.
May I have wisdom and strength to succeed in this enterprise and the good fortune to live again in a free and peaceful England. To have a child will make me more anxious. If I could have only a year or two to launch our gift to mankind – the pledge of our love, our tribute to life. He was gratified. He said, ‘If I am hurt and lie dying in some corner it will be a consolation to know I have done this.’