by Doreen Bates
I think they are sweetest when they are put on their backs at 5.0 to wake up. They take ages and stretch and yawn and blink just like grown ups. They are both having Cow & Gate to supplement my milk. It is astonishing how attached one can get to them in a week or two. I should feel deprived now if I had only one. If only I can cope with them it is lovely to have two at once, tho’ how it happened I can’t think. There are no twins on either side of the families so far as we know.
Doreen and E with the twins: Andrew (left) and Margaret
E is very thrilled – more doting than I should have thought possible considering that it was I that wanted them primarily. He is quite impractical, tho’, and just does nothing but admire them when he comes to see me. I haven’t the heart to make him talk business. He said Andrew’s small squeaks and murmurs were like the dawn chorus of birds and sweeter to hear than Bach. He brought me some scabious and some bronze chrysanthemums – so queer from him. I was quite touched.
Margot has spent over half of this week looking for somewhere for me to live. All day Tuesday she looked at Clapham and Wimbledon with no success. It is clear that I shall just have to be extravagant for three months and spend what I have saved. I have heard from McCreath and sent the medical certificate to Bradford – for four weeks. McCreath is trying to arrange for me to be in London indefinitely and hopes I shall be at Marylebone.
I feel guilty about Margot. She had all the worry and bother the weekend they were born (which was the day of full moon – Hunter’s moon, and a Sunday). She had the bother of packing up and coping with the flat (Mary helped her here) and the job of looking for somewhere to live. At the same time she had to cope with Rosa, who relapsed badly. This was partly owing to the publicity of the ambulance. She hasn’t been to see the twins and hasn’t given them anything, tho’ she bought me a green woolly bed jacket which is useful and elegant and extravagant. M says she has improved and she has made efforts, but she finds it impossible to accept the situation. Yet she would adore the twins if only she would let herself, and is just depriving herself of pleasure in them. Anyone else, almost, finds it easier. Lots of people have come to see me and admired them and quite accepted: Ella, Mary, Griff, Netta Cameron, Elsie, the doctor and the sisters here, and ES. Preston, who wants another herself, wrote to me and I told her all about them. She told Le Huquet. I think Griff must have told Williams, who told Cole, who asked Preston whether I wished to have the rumour killed – decent of him. I was cross that Williams knew and still more that he was spreading it, but it can’t be helped. People will get over it and forget about it, probably, in a short time. Griff came to tea and brought a Stendhal and Enid Bagnold’s The Squire, which he selected for its topical interest – all about a woman having a baby! I finished Trollope’s Doctor Thorne and read Arnot Robertson’s Summer Lease and now halfway through Chekhov’s Letters. I have also finished a blue jersey for Andrew and knitted two vests.
It is lovely to feel well again. It gives an extra savour to everything – the taste of food, the luxury of a hot bath, the feel of sunshine, the sight of the trees against the sky, the clutch of the twins’ little fingers on mine. The nursing home is excellent, two sisters who run it in particular. Sister Gordon is older and has a beautiful face, iron grey hair, dark eyes and a humorous mouth. Her father was a solicitor and she tried working in his office for a time and hated it. Has worked on a farm and now works furiously at this and finds time to be an ARP warden and to garden. Ping is energetic too and is surprisingly like Reen Hosier in looks and manner – just that brusqueness. They grow nearly all their vegetables and have had 113 lbs of tomatoes. There are two nurses – Topless, the night nurse, who comes from Lincolnshire (Louth) and looks square and solid like a Dane (but shorter), and Crow who is small and dark and marvellously efficient. She was married in May to a man who runs a garage, under great difficulties now, at Ringwood. They see each other about once a month at weekends. She is intelligent and good-natured, but uses a cynical manner which is quite superficial. I get on quite well with all of them, I think especially Crow who is very fond of the twins, especially Andrew. It is a completely different world for me and I have learned a heap of things in these 2 or 3 weeks. Nurse Crow has taught me how to top and tail a baby, to feed it and to bath it and dress it. I was horribly nervous the first time I bathed Margaret but I have done it twice now and begin to have more confidence.
I have watched the trees outside the windows turning colour. On Wednesday the sirens went and I heard a few guns in the distance and worried a bit about the babies, but the All Clear went after about an hour. If the blitz begins again I shall be much more afraid now because of the twins. I must find somewhere outside London as soon as possible.
MONDAY 27 OCTOBER
This morning I went out for 45 minutes, just around Stanmore village and up to the hill, to a farm. I felt feebler than I expected, tho’ it was glorious to be out in the sun. It was cold and the trees had completely turned especially the chestnuts. I seemed to have been indoors for much more than 3 weeks.
Yesterday E came in the morning and Margot in the afternoon. They had found a house at Addiscombe and been to see it. E said he had one of the worst hours of his life on Saturday afternoon interviewing the agent and being cross-examined. He had concocted a whole story, which the agent had accepted. The only snag was that E wasn’t certain what Margot had said the day before! He showed the agent his post office savings book with £700 in it and told him his job, but the agent insisted on a reference from my former employer, so I had to write to McCreath again.
The house belongs to a widow and the furniture is in good condition. It is small and has a small garden. Shops near, including Woolworths. A box room is reserved but two bedrooms, bathroom, two living rooms, kitchen, electric water heater, power plugs, one gas or electric fire. Margot had lunch with E on Friday and transformed him after 30 minutes’ talk into a very practical person. He was full of such things as adequacy of the blackout, getting gas and electricity connected, airing beds, getting coal and provisions. He will probably know today whether the widow agrees and if so we shall have an agreement to sign. It sounds good – rent £2/5 pw, which is no more and probably less than a flat would be. Ella’s unfurnished flat at Richmond was £120 p.a. He was also rather drawn to a house advertised in Ashtead at £3 p.w. but it would have been awkward for Margot to get to, tho’ further out in case of blitz. Margot said Rosa had been very good and went to the agents with her and had been most helpful. She had even shown concern for the twins – afraid the little one would get cold – he ought to be wrapped in an eiderdown. She sent me a note which was rather sweet. I guessed (tho’ she didn’t say so) that she thought I ought to close relations with E for the sake of his babies. Margot brought me a spray of roses (four on one stalk) and eight apples, as well as my clothes. E left me the Sunday Times.
Andrew has gained 4 oz in the last 3 days and is 4 lbs 12 oz (one pound over his birth weight) this morning and he has discarded the last of his cotton wool and his woolly hat. I bathed him and he was good and loved being in the bath – kicked his legs with great pleasure. Margaret was 6 lbs 7 oz (2 oz gain in 2 days). The milk continues better. I am making Margaret a bonnet to go home in.
WEDNESDAY 29 OCTOBER
It is cold and unsettled – a gusty north wind, sunny patches, hail, rain and snowy squalls.
Yesterday I went to Edgware, a typical suburban shopping centre with no individuality and nothing of interest. Today I went to register the twins. It took me from 10.00–12.00. I went to Redhill Hospital and waited there only to learn I had to go five minutes away to the Middlesex County office. A well made up young married woman was the sub-registrar. No comment when I said I was not married. It was queer to give Andrew Wyndham born at 11.30 and Margaret Miriam born at 11.50, as though they were being given another official birth. I remembered the last time I went to a Registrar’s office almost two years ago to register Wyndham’s death. I signed the book and paid 5/2d for 2 copies of the t
wo certificates which I suppose will be wanted for the adoption order.* Tomorrow I have to go to Harrow to get their ration books and identity cards. There was some fuss at the beginning because I hadn’t a present address – was so short a time at Kensington, only 4 weeks at Stanmore and not yet at Addiscombe. The Registrar had never seen such a case before.
A letter from E last night and one from Margot this morning. The negotiations for the house are going well. The agreement is to go direct to me. I can buy about a ton of coal in the shed. Have written to the gas and electric people.
Reading Stendhal’s Charterhouse of Parma. It is very pleasant. It reminds me of Voltaire, regarded simply as a novelist, for Stendhal does not appear to be serious as no propaganda to put over. His irony and detachment are similar. McCreath sent me letters he had had from Bradford and Loach, L wanting to know my domestic arrangements and assuming I wished to be regarded as a ‘fully effective unit’!
THURSDAY 6 NOVEMBER
Since I last wrote I have been settling down. On Thursday last I went to Harrow to get the twins’ ration books, clothing cards and identity cards. The next day I got the milk form which Dr Byworth signed and also bought a blanket for Andrew to be wrapped in. When we got to the new house Margot was there. She and Hobday (the nanny) had done shopping and got the house warm and comfy with a good fire. Hobday came to see the twins and brought her sister with her, with her small daughter, but she was not really arriving till Sunday night. I was on my own till then but managed to cope with the twins not too badly. We had a warning about 10.00 and I heard 2 planes and a lot of gunfire. I was just feeding Margaret, with Andrew upstairs and I was very worried. After an hour the All Clear went. Margot and Rosa came to tea on Sunday and before they went Rosa went up to see the twins for the first time. She was very upset and it was clearly an ordeal for her. I had to give her brandy afterwards. But I was glad she had seen them. I had a bath at 9.45 and had just got in when I was knocked up by a warden who said light was showing from the bathroom fanlight across the landing to the box room fanlight and so through the window. Hobday arrived about 10.30.
We seem to have settled down quite well. She is good with the babies and cooks well. She flies around and gets through a lot but we shall have to get a woman to do two mornings a week for turning out. She has prepared gigantic meals in the evening but doesn’t seem to have much lunch. On Monday I went up to town and did a hard day’s work. First to the Bank for money; Bumpas where I got Mary Decade 1931–1941 and for Margot Augustus John Drawings, as tokens of gratitude for all they had done to help; McCreath to arrange to resume on Monday. He gave me Bradford’s message that if I repeated the performance I should get the sack. But he told me that he had told Bradford that tho’ he would give me the message the AIT would protest against such unduly harsh treatment and he felt that Bradford himself would not go to such a length if the occasion arose. McC seemed surprised to see me so fit and remarked that maternity had not changed me at all. I left him to meet E for lunch, having arranged to call at Kennington to pick up my cheque and the voucher for my watch which had been repaired. I collected it at Walkers, Victoria. It was a relief to get it back.
I then went to Fulham to look at a second hand twin pram in a depository. It was 12–14 guineas. I wasn’t sure about the condition. The tyres might have needed renewing soon so I thought about it first. I just caught the 3.51 to Croydon and went to the Food Office to get emergency coupons and to the Milk Office to see about the twins’ extra milk at 2d a pint, a little shopping and so back at 5.15. A very good day’s business.
On Tuesday I went to Purley to see Rosa and collect some clothes and my electric iron. She was very glad to see me, very cordial indeed, and she made me a cheese omelette. I collected my luggage and phoned Millsons, the best pram people. They had a second hand twin pram at £19/19s and said there were no new ones with springs. Yesterday I went up to town to scour London for prams. The new twin prams to government specifications have no springs and are only slightly larger than single prams. They are hideous, tho’ this is not important. They are only made to order, which means a month’s delay and would be £17 or £19/19s. When I got to Millsons I saw the second hand one – navy blue and in very good condition and I thought I had better buy it. It cost £20/3/6d and reduced my Current Account to £28! I went to the Food Office in Croydon to register the removals and get pink ration books for canned goods. I also went to the Public Health Department about the 50 clothing coupons for the other twin. They said I had to get another certificate, signed by the doctor or midwife, before they could issue them, in spite of the fact that I produced identity cards for 2 and they could confirm from Kensington that I had had only 50 coupons. Red tape with a vengeance! All this took over an hour.
Had lunch with E. Margot came in the evening and had tea. Today I met Rosa in Croydon, had lunch at the Express and came back for the afternoon while Hobday went out. Rosa was still cordial and enjoyed her tea. I gave the twins their bottles in the dining room so that we could talk and she began to take an interest in them. When I came to Margaret she took her in her arms quite of her own accord and nursed her while I got the tea. This was a great improvement. She also gave advice and expressed opinions such as that Margaret would walk early. She went home in a pleasant frame of mind at 4.45.
THURSDAY 13 NOVEMBER
It has poured with rain all day and been very dark, but it has been very mild since Tuesday. I left the twins with Hobday and went back to Marylebone on Monday and resumed Marks & Spencer. McCreath also gave me Selfridges and later on Coty (England) Ltd. I felt very rusty at first; it was 9 weeks since I had worked in the office and 5 since I had worked at the flat but it is astonishing how quickly one slips back. We have now worked out a routine: 5 am wake up (if not already awakened) and feed Andrew; 5.45–7.15 sleep again; 7.15–8.00 get up, breakfast, get dressed, wash up; 8.30 feed Margaret; catch 8.43, office 9.30. I catch the 5.40 from Charing Cross, get in, feed Andrew, have dinner, feed Margaret, drink Lactigol and bed. So far it works and the milk seems to be continuing. I now have a thermos and milk to drink at 11.00 in an effort to keep it up.
Margot intends to come tomorrow. I have lunched with E. He is very keen on the twins – talks about their education, their abilities, what our attitude to them should be. He intends to tell K this weekend. I am sorry for him because the conflict in his mind must be intensified. He so clearly loves the babies and I want him to have a lot to do with them. It would be so lovely if K would rise to the occasion and remake her life without him. I have written him a note to thank him for giving me the opportunity to have the twins. They make me so happy. I have complete faith that we have done a good thing and I have regained a zest that I thought had gone for good, and I feel happy in a more peaceful, less precarious, way than I have ever experienced. It is so satisfying to have done, and be doing, such a constructive job amidst the destruction of the war; to have made a channel for the realization of such a miracle of creation.
Andrew and Margaret, photographed in January 1942
Epilogue
The arrival of the twins marked the start of a new chapter in Doreen’s life. Although she had been unsure whether E would remain in touch with her and her growing children when they first arrived, he did in fact do so. He eventually found the courage to tell K about them when they were 4 months old. His concern had been that K might have taken this news as badly as she had taken the news of his and Doreen’s affair in 1937. On this occasion, however, she showed considerable magnanimity by recognizing that the twins needed to know their father. From time to time she sent small presents of ballet shoes of increasing size as Margaret grew. Eventually she agreed to E spending every second weekend with Doreen and the twins at the home that Doreen created after the war near Oxted in Surrey. E and K remained married until E’s death in 1974, aged 80.
Doreen was able to continue to work full-time and her career flourished. Hobday, the nanny that Margot had found, was instrumental in enabling Doreen to continue
working and she remained with the family until they moved to Oxted after the war. Margot and Rosa were also enormously helpful with child care at times. Unfortunately Rosa remained fiercely hostile to E and would never meet him, a situation that created many tensions and difficulties for Doreen.
The twins grew up, married, and had their own families and careers. They are now both grandparents. They saw nothing of E’s side of the family during E’s lifetime, but met, and were welcomed by, several members after his death.
Doreen and E remained close until E’s death in 1974. Doreen’s diary had become intermittent by then and she made no direct reference to the death. However, at the relevant point in the diary she wrote out a poem by Vita Sackville-West, addressed to Harold Nicolson:
I must not tell how dear you are to me.
It is unknown, a secret from myself
Who should know best. I wouldn’t if I could
Expose the meaning of such mystery.
I loved you then, when love was Spring, and May.
Eternity is here and now, I thought;
The pure and perfect moment briefly caught
As in your arms, but still a child, I lay.
Loved you when summer deepened into June
And those fair, wild, ideal dreams of youth
Were true yet dangerous and half unreal
As when Endymion kissed the mateless moon.
But now when Autumn yellows all the leaves
And thirty seasons mellow our long love,
How rooted, how secure, how strong, how rich