by Lucia Franco
I backed up and returned to my dark hole and waited.
"For as long as it has been, I am surprised you are able to hold it right now," Katja mused, and I could hear the coy smile in her voice.
"Please. That should not be a surprise to you."
"Hmm…" she said, like she was recalling something in her mind.
Kova came twice earlier, his semen was still inside me after I begged for us to finish together. God… I don't know what I was thinking. I lost my common sense when we were alone.
Their footsteps drew closer. My heart raced and I held my breath.
Something dragged across the desk over my head, and I heard the clanking of keys. "Get your shit and let us go," Kova mumbled under his breath. "Hurry the fuck up, Katja. You got what you wanted, as always," he spat. Then they both left his office.
I burrowed into the floor, holding my stomach, and fighting back the tears. My jaw trembled and I rolled my lips between my teeth, sniffling. I stayed in a tight ball trying to pretend this never happened. That the words Kova spoke earlier, with his passionate touch and persuasive words, to what we shared, and what I just witnessed, was nothing but a figment of my imagination. Otherwise, I was that stupid girl who never learned and always went back to the boy who wrecked her heart time and time again. And I didn't like that. Seeing Katja on her knees in front of Kova was upsetting, but seeing him take pleasure in me while I watched them was something I couldn't process. It hurt, that I knew, but this was a more profound kind of hurt that was deep seeded. I didn't know what to call it or how to explain it.
I remained hidden under his desk long enough to wallow in self-pity before I had the courage to poke my head out. I quickly pulled my leotard on and waited a bit longer before heading to the door. I stood and strained my ears, listening for any little sound. The phone on Kova’s desk rang loud, the jarring sound made me jump.
There was no reason for anyone to call this late at night, so I figured it was Kova giving me a signal to leave. I fled from his office and ran to the gym where I’d left my bag. Then I threw on my sweats and stormed out to my Escalade.
I dug my cell phone from my bag and noticed I had two text messages from Kova.
Coach: You are clear to leave.
Coach: Please forgive me.
It was two in the morning by the time I got home. Distraught and queasy, I took the hottest shower my skin would withstand while I cried under the streaming water.
The night had been so high at one point but then took a drastic turn. Deep down, I didn’t believe Kova would purposely inflict pain on me, not after the way we had been together. But he sure as hell didn’t try hard enough to stop her either, especially when he saw me.
I got out of the shower and dried off. Not bothering with clothes, I climbed between the bedsheets naked. Tears continued to run down my face as I pulled the comforter to my chin. Tonight had shattered parts of me I didn't know were so fragile. My mind kept replaying the image of Katja on her knees, Kova's hands fisted in her hair, and his eyes on me. My emotions were a disaster of a mess, and I knew I'd never be able to talk to Kova about this, because talking about it would mean I'd have to relive it. Truth was, I didn't even know if I wanted to talk to him. There was nothing he could say or do to make the hurt go away.
Twenty-Seven
Dad had always said if you wanted something done right, you must do it yourself.
And that's exactly what I was about to do.
I was in rare form after last night.
After being intimate with Kova, more than once, and listening to him open up a part of his heart and confess how he felt about me, then watching Katja go down on him while I hid, I was a mess. My thoughts were everywhere. I couldn’t tell if I wanted to laugh or cry. I think the best thing to do was to let what happened go, and move on.
I popped four Motrin, then made a cup of coffee. Running on only a couple hours of sleep was a stupid idea. I was exhausted and mentally drained, but I pushed the thoughts away. Dressed and out of my condo within thirty minutes, I headed to the gym to condition alone. That was another thing—we hadn't finished talking about the extra classes before things went from zero to sixty in the blink of an eye. I still wasn't sure if he was okay with me going in or not, but I planned to go in regardless.
Reaching over to the passenger seat, I shifted around inside my bag and felt for my phone while keeping my eyes on the road. I grasped it in my hand, and after a quick glance, I went to my favorites and clicked on Avery. I wanted my best friend.
Pick up…pick up…pick up… I chanted to myself. When she didn't answer the first time, I tried a second time to no avail.
I pulled up to a red light and sent her a string of text messages, bitching at her for not being there and venting at the same time.
BFF: WTF! It’s 5 a.m. That coach of yours brings more trouble than he's worth. Think of him as a crawfish—bite his head off and suck him down, then get rid of him.
That was all I got back from her. A fucking crawfish reference. Granted it was extremely early, but I had always been there for her no matter what.
With a scowl, I dropped my phone into the cup holder, hitched up my knee and drove to World Cup.
It was still pitch black when I pulled into the parking lot. Not surprising, there were no other cars here but mine. What lunatic went in to practice like they were training for the Olympics on their day off—and before dawn?
Me.
I quickly got out and punched my code into the keypad and walked inside, making sure the door shut behind me, even though it had an automatic locking mechanism.
Since there was no one else here, I brought my cell phone into the gym and started up my playlist. I always started off stretching the way Kova taught me. The man knew his shit, even if he was an asshole at times.
Okay. Most times.
"Bozhe moi. You and that horrible music of yours."
I jumped, my heart nearly exploding from me. "Jesus, Kova!" I shouted and grabbed my chest, then turned my music off. "Why can't you ever make some noise before you enter a room?"
He stopped walking and looked down at me as if I’d just asked him the dumbest question in the history of questions.
"It is my gym. I do not need to do no such thing."
"Yes, you do. One day you're going to give someone a heart attack." I stood up and fixed my shorts that had ridden up. Since I figured I'd be alone in the gym, I opted to wear a sports bra and mini shorts. Scratching my nose, I asked, "What are you doing here?"
He threaded a hand through his hair. "I am here to help you."
"But you seemed so against any extra work. Why would you even come?"
"Because you need me."
"I'm not doing my routines, so I don't need you for conditioning. I can do it myself. It's not hard."
He tilted his head toward me and his voice softened, playful even. "Yes, you do. You need me. Just admit it."
I wasn't going to be diverted. I was tired of the back and forth of our relationship, and still seething from how the previous night had ended.
"The only time I need you is during practice, you know I'm right. Plus, I'm sure Katja isn't happy about you being here after what I heard last night." I undid my ponytail and shook out my hair, then put it back up.
Kova lowered his head and stroked the dark scruff on his jaw. His eyes searched the floor. "Adrianna, I think we should—"
I put my hand up, bracing myself for what would come. "I know what you're going to say, and I don’t want to talk about it. Let's just forget it ever happened, okay? It is what it is."
The muscles in his face tightened.
"What could you possibly say anyway? Sorry for allowing Katja to suck your…your…dick in front of me? Yeah. No thanks." I let out a harsh laugh and walked away.
"Ria."
"Drop it. You should just go home, Kova. Spend time with Katja. We both know you'll just be wasting your time here when it can be better spent with your girlfriend."
&nb
sp; He followed closely behind me. "Not likely. I want to make sure you are working the right muscles accurately. I do not want all the work I put into you to unravel because you had to go and be stubborn."
He knew all the right buttons to push. "I'm not stubborn. I'm driven. Stubborn sounds like you're referring to a child, and I don't like that."
"Then do not act like one and I will not have to," he retorted, then grabbed my elbow and spun me around. "Just like when you bring up Kat. You sound like a jealous obsessed ex. It is not very becoming of you."
My jaw dropped. He did not just say that.
"You know, you're such a dickhead sometimes." I gave him my back.
"Where are you going?" he asked, ignoring my comment. He was probably used to it by now.
"To work."
"You are going in the wrong direction. The balance beam is the other way."
I kept walking and he repeated himself, then added, "Beam is your weakness and where we need to focus first." His voice was firm and full of authority; I couldn't ignore him.
Turning around on my heels, I walked toward him. He held his hand out with a jump rope in front of the balance beams. I looked down in confusion, then back up at him.
"What do you want me to do with that?"
"Get up on the beam and jump rope one hundred times. You wobble once, you start over."
My brows met my hairline. "You're so strange." I grabbed the jump rope and then hopped up on the beam. At four inches wide, I could easily do standing tucks and connect a series of skills both forward and backward. And he wanted me to jump rope? This would be a piece of cake.
I took a deep breath and swung the rope around, jumping lightly the first few times to get a feel for this.
"Lock your knees," he ordered.
I began counting.
"Eyes up. Shoulders back. Keep your posture straight. Do you know why I am having you do this?"
"Nnn—"
"Start over."
I stopped and looked down at him with one foot on the beam. "What? Why?"
"You wobbled and bent your knees. Start over."
Knees. I growled low in the back of my throat then began jumping again. I focused my gaze ahead of me. My mind immediately went to Kajta on her knees. I was still upset over last night but I tried to not let that effect my practice. Kova was quiet for a few moments before he said, "This will work the core of your body and help you punch the beam with straight legs. It also keeps your focus." He paused and added, "Do not turn your feet in, keep them forward."
It was a natural reaction for me to turn them in. I felt safer, like I had a better hold on the beam, but I also knew it could cost me.
I finished the first set the correct way with a slight burn in my thighs. Nothing bad though and I wasn't out of breath.
"Now jump rope traveling forward and backward. This will keep your body aligned and your concentration centered on what you are doing."
"How many times?" I asked between jumps, my words short and tight.
"Fifty each way."
This was a lot trickier than I expected. Just like Kova said, I had to keep my focus strictly on the beam and how I jumped—legs straight, body tight, hips squared. I wobbled a few times going backward and cursed Johnny under my breath.
Johnny was what Avery named the beam after I fell two times in one day. She said if I was getting fucked by the wood, then we needed to name it. The balance beam was now known as Johnny Depp to Avery.
"Tighten up, Adrianna. Squeeze your thighs and butt. Everything needs to be firm so you do not sway. The tighter you hold yourself, the less you fall. You cannot loosen for one second. I do not want to see anything jiggle on you. Keep your focus." He paused. "By the way, your mother gave me a ring yesterday. Such a lovely woman she is. So caring of her daughter."
I stopped and looked down at him, letting out a gush of air I hadn't realized I was holding.
"Uh huh. Start over."
I ignored him. I couldn't believe Mom called him. "What did she say?"
"Start over."
"What did she say, Kova?" I pushed, snapping at him. I probably looked like a psycho to him, but he held firm and wouldn't speak until I started up again. I huffed under my breath and jumped. Typical Kova. He always had to get his way. My coach was an exasperating man.
"Just that she wanted to know how her precious daughter was doing. I told her you were getting there but still had a long way to go."
I lowered my eyelids. "Of course you did. What else?"
"She said she was concerned about your diet and wanted to make sure you were eating nutritious meals. She mentioned when you went home for the holidays you let go and ate everything in sight. She wanted to make sure you are not still on that same path. Something about you had to buy new clothes because your old ones did not fit."
My heartbeat sped up, and my lips parted. The animosity in her words rang like a siren in my head of things she'd said to me that I did wrong in her eyes. Moisture beaded above my top lip. I gripped the jump rope handles tighter, my skin burning against the plastic. I jumped faster and harder.
Kova was still speaking but I only caught the tail end of a few words. I wasn't processing any of it. All I could focus on was the fact that my mom had called him and fabricated lies, and he listened like a good little sheep. She took vindictive to a whole new level and I had to wonder why she was trying in vain to sabotage my gymnastics career. She wanted to ruin me for the sake of ruining me. It was the only plausible reason I could come up with and a side of her I hadn't yet seen. I was her daughter, she was my mother. I didn't understand her attitude toward me.
A prickling sting deflated my chest and my breathing grew strenuous. I slowed down until I stopped completely. My arms dropped to my sides, and I stood with one foot positioned slightly in front of the other, staring in a blank trance at nothing but feeling everything.
A muffled cry burst from my lips and I threw the rope to the floor. Kova jerked back. Tears filled my eyes and my heart ached, not because I was sad, I was, but more so because I was so irate and filled with resentment that my own mother would purposely set out to hurt me. I hopped down, formed a fist, and dropped it down on the balance beam as hard as I could. I shoved at the side of it, trying to push it over, shoving my weight against it, which could never happen. It was too heavy, but it felt good fighting against something.
"God! I hate her! Hate her with a passion!"
"Hey," Kova said softly, coming up behind me, but I couldn't stop.
"I can't stand her! No matter what I do, it's never enough. I never over ate anything, and I bought new clothes because I lost weight. Because we had stupid parties she forced me to attend. She is such a liar." I kept my back to Kova so he wouldn't see the tears in my eyes. "And you played right into it, making me sound like I'm hopeless, like an amateur who still needs years of work, and even that might not be enough. You gave her exactly what she wanted and she fed off that, I know she did. She has it out for me, always has, always will. Nothing I do will be right for her."
A fat tear slipped from the corner of my eye, and I walked away. I didn't take more than a few steps when Kova clutched my arm in his hand.
"Stop," he said gently. "Ria, I told her you still had a way to go because the truth is I am not ready to let you go yet."
I didn't know how to respond to that.
"Just give me a few minutes, Kova." I yanked my arm away and pushed at his chest. "I'll be right back."
Kova grabbed my wrist. "Stop. Listen to me."
I shook my head. "Please, just let me be for a sec and I'll be fine."
"Adrianna."
"Kova! Just leave me alone!" I screamed.
But he didn’t. Kova pulled me to his chest and I immediately fought against him.
"Get it out," he said. I shoved at him and cried harder, giving him everything I could. I hated that he was doing this to me and appreciated it at the same time. "Fight harder, hit me if you have to, just get it out." I struggled b
etween crying and shoving, but Kova didn’t let go, and something in me cracked.
My efforts slowed, and I covered my face and let the tears flow. I poured everything out against his chest. Everything I held in over the past year. From my mom and her backhanded compliments, to the rigorous training I demanded of my body, to the illicit affair I had with my coach. I cried over everything, and he let me.
"Shhh…just let it out," Kova said, rubbing soothing circles on my back. "It is okay."
When my cries and hiccups subsided, I sniffled and expelled a huge breath. I felt like a burden had been lifted from my shoulders and I could breathe again.
Stepping back, Kova tried to lift my chin, but I kept my gaze cemented to the floor. I was too embarrassed. I didn't like crying to begin with, and I sure as shit didn't want to show him my tears. Tears showed weakness, and I wasn't weak.
He tried to lift my chin again, and when I didn’t budge, he sighed and got down on one knee so he was eye level with me.
"Jerk." A sad chuckle escaped my lips. "You always find a way to get what you want."
He cupped the side of my face and wiped away a few tears. He was sweet, but concerned, and I appreciated it.
"Stop crying. She is not worth your tears."
"I'm not crying because I'm sad, Kova."
"I know you are not."
I swallowed. "How do you know?"
"I spend more time with you than she does. You think I do not know you by now?" he asked and stared at me. "I know more about you than you think." One corner of his mouth pulled up. "I watch the way you walk, the way you talk, how hard you work, your dedication with anything you set out to do." His eyes softened as he continued. "I know the intonation of your voice lifts during certain topics you are passionate about. Your eyes lighten or darken depending on your mood. You do not even need to speak for me to feel your emotions. You have so much compassion inside. I see it. I see you, Adrianna."
The honesty in his green eyes suffocated me. I took in everything he said and clung to his words. I held on to them as they breathed life into me.