by Kira Blakely
I sit up. “I’m ready.”
“Okay.” Dr. Liu leans forward. “Push, push, push, push, push, push, push!”
“Let’s bring your baby out!” The nurse pats me on the back as she grips my hand.
I nod, gathering every ounce of strength I have left to push. I only care about this baby. I don’t care about the pain anymore. Or how I look. Or anyone. Or anything.
Push, Janine.
“That’s it!” Dr. Liu encourages. “That’s it! Just a little more!”
I grip the railing and the nurse’s hand, feeling my knuckles go white. I push harder. Beads of sweat roll down my back, tears from my eyes.
“Push!” Dash urges.
I lift my head and squeeze my eyes shut, crying out as I push with everything I’ve got, with no regard for the aftermath or the consequences. I think of nothing but to push.
An infantile wail spits the air and I open my eyes. A giant wave of relief washes over me as I realize that it’s coming from my baby.
I crash on the bed, my chest heaving and my body shaking and sore from all the exertion.
I know I’m a mess. I’m well aware of the hair clinging to my cheeks. But I still don’t care.
It’s over. I’ve given birth to a baby boy.
“Great job, Janine.” Dash kisses the top of my sweaty head. “I’m so proud of you.”
As my baby boy is placed in my arms, all my exhaustion, all the pain of the past hours, evaporates. He turns towards me, snuggling against me and the nurse helps me to feed him. I stare at him, at his little, chubby cheeks and his little nose and his little mouth, holding him close to my heart. I overflow with a warmth I’ve never felt before, with a fierce sense of pride and indescribable joy.
And love. So much love.
How can such a little person fill my heart with so much love?
“Hey, little guy.” I hold Brandon’s tiny hand and bring it to my lips. “I’m your Mommy and I love you so much.” I glance at Dash. “Daddy’s here, too.”
Dash kisses the top of his head. “Welcome to the world, little guy.” He kisses the top of my head again. “I told you me could do it. You’re amazing.”
“I’m a mess,” I tell him, tucking sticky strands of hair behind my ear.
“You’re perfect,” he says, holding my head to his chest. “God, I never should have left you.”
The words take me by surprise, the warmth in my chest swirling like a flock of butterflies.
Dash strokes my hair. “I should have stayed in school and finished my degree. I should have stayed with you.”
“Yes, you should have,” I tell him, my eyes stinging with tears as I look down at our baby.
“I’ll never leave you again.” He squeezes my shoulder and plants a tender kiss on the side of my forehead.
I smile at the words, wiping my tears as I rest my head against Dash’s chest and stare at my newborn baby, my mind at peace, my heart brimming with joy.
This is the most perfect moment of my life and I just know I’ll never forget it for as long as I live.
20
Dash
April 2018
“Are you sure he’s only three months old?” Janine’s mother asks as she softly bounces little Brandon in her arms. Unable to walk, she reclines on two large pillows now. Next to her bed is a complex system of machines, all regulating and monitoring vitals. There is a constant and rotating staff of nurses here. It’s the very best money can buy, though I know Janine still wishes she could just stay with her mother at her mother’s house. Right now, the grin lighting up her face is so warm and bright, it eclipses the shadowy bags beneath her eyes. “He is so big!”
“That’s probably because he drinks so much milk,” Janine says, sitting on the stool by her mother’s bed.
Mrs. Davidson looks at me. “He looks just like you, Dash.”
I put my hands in my pockets as I shrug, standing a few feet away. “Janine says that all the time.”
“Because it’s true,” she says, stroking Brandon’s hair.
“See. Even your Mom and my Mom think so.”
Well, Brandon does have the color of my hair and eyes – sandy blonde and bluish gray – and my mother says he even has my nose. I don’t know. I guess I just find the idea of another person looking like me baffling.
“Don’t worry,” Mrs. Davidson places her hand over Janine’s. “I’m sure when you have a daughter, she will look just like you.”
“Oh. I’m not thinking of having another child just yet,” Janine answers, sitting up. “Maybe. Maybe not.”
She glances at me but I say nothing.
“Well, I’m sure this one has your strength and your courage.” Mrs. Davidson presses Brandon close to her chest. “And hopefully, my good behavior.” Janine crosses her arms over her chest.
I frown, going closer to them. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Well, you were quite the rebel, weren’t you?” she quips, turning towards me. “You didn’t like your parents and you didn’t like school. I remember.”
I tuck my thumbs into the back waistband of my pants. “I liked my parents. We just didn’t agree all the time. As for school, well, you and I both know I don’t like following orders or working in groups.”
“Yes, everyone knows,” Janine agrees, turning back to her mother and Brandon. “Did you hear that, darling?” She holds Brandon’s hand. “Daddy likes making his own rules and following his own path and so will you.” She kisses his hand. “But not until you’re eighteen.”
“Twenty,” I say.
Janine’s mother laughs. “Oh, I can already imagine the two of you raising this boy.” She looks at him lovingly. “You are so lucky, Brandon. You have good parents.”
I lift one hand, stroking my chin.
I’m not so sure.
After all, I can’t even quite believe that I’m a parent now.
Just then, Brandon starts to cry. My hands extend as I take a step closer to him, driven by some strong natural instinct.
“What’s wrong, darling?” Janine gets off her stool and crowds her mother’s bed as well.
“Shh.” Mrs. Davidson rocks her grandson. “It’s alright, dear. It’s alright.”
He keeps crying.
“I think he’s hungry.”
Janine takes him from her mother’s arms and sits down.
She’s about to push her blouse aside but stops. “What’s wrong?” I ask her, touching her shoulder.
“I left my shawl in the car,” she tells me, rocking Bran- don, who has stopped crying, snuggling against her.
“You don’t need a shawl here,” her mother says. “And I left my pillow, too,” Janine adds.
“Here.” Mrs. Davidson tries to move her body forward and grab a pillow from behind her.
“No, Mom.” Janine stops her. “It’s fine. I have a special pillow.”
“I’ll get it,” I offer, heading towards the door.
“Dash, before you go,” Mrs. Davidson calls out to me. “I would like to speak with you.”
I turn around.
“I’ll get the things.” Janine walks towards me. “I can feed in the car too.”
I hand her the car keys.
I watch her leave the room and as soon as she’s gone, I turn to Mrs. Davidson, who gestures for me to sit on the stool Janine just vacated.
I go and sit.
“Is something wrong, Olivia?” I ask her, putting my hands on my lap.
“You know exactly what’s wrong,” she answers, sighing as she rests her head on the pillows. “I’m not going to be around much longer. You can see it. I can feel it.”
“Don’t say that,” I tell her, leaning forward and holding her hand.
She shakes her head, placing her hand over mine. “But you’re the only one I can say it to. I can’t tell Janine. She just gave birth! She’s still adjusting to life as a new mother.”
I nod and bow my head, understanding.
She squeezes my hand. “
I don’t need to ask you to promise that you’ll be a good father to my grandson. I can tell that you will be.”
I look at her. “Thank you.”
She rubs my hand with her thumb. “But I want you to promise me that when I go…” Her voice quivers. “You will remind Janine that Brandon needs her. Tell her that life goes on…” She pauses to take a deep breath and her voice regains its strength. “And that she must be strong. She can cry… but I won’t have her sulk. You tell her. That’s what I want.”
“I’ll tell her,” I promise, placing my other hand over hers. “And you,” she continues. “Take care of her. With the new baby… she’s going to forget to take care of herself. You have to be there for her. You have to help her. Because I won’t be here.”
I nod, looking at her hand.
She places it on her stomach. “I took care of her for thirty-one years, you know. And every year, I got back more and more from loving her.” She looks at me. “Now it’s your turn.”
“I understand, Olivia.” I place my hands on my lap. “I promise I will look after her.”
“Good.” Mrs. Davidson reaches out to rub my shoulder. “You’re a good man.”
I pat her hand, smiling. “Don’t worry, Mom. I’ve got her.”
* * *
I tell Janine that I’m going to check on Brandon one more time before we go to bed—before we leave that to these baby monitors for just a few hours—but find myself staring at him for several minutes, suspended in awe.
I can’t believe I’m a father.
My heart prickles as it swells with something new. It almost feels like being on the verge of crying, but in a good way.
“Is he alright?” Janine’s voice floats from the bedroom.
I take a deep breath and pull myself from his crib, treading through the adjoining bathroom and into our bedroom. Janine stretches across the bed in a blue night- gown, watching me.
“Sleeping like a baby,” I inform her, taking off my robe.
“Good.” She lets out a sigh of relief as she lies on her back on the bed. “Hopefully, he’ll stay that way.”
“Hopefully.”
I go on the bed and slip under the covers beside her, lying on my side and propping my head up on my arm as I look at her.
She turns her head towards me. “What are you doing?” “Nothing.” I reach out to grab a tendril of her hair and twirl it around my fingers. “I miss you.”
“What do you mean?” She gives me a puzzled look. “I’m right here.”
“You know what I mean.” I kiss the strands of hair on my fingers.
She pulls from my grasp, looking away. “Dash, you know we can’t.”
“Why not?”
Janine turns her back on me. “I just had a baby.” I place my hand on her arm. “Three months ago.” “Yes. And it’s hard, alright? I’m tired.”
I kiss her shoulder. “You need to relax, have fun. You haven’t forgotten how to have fun, have you?”
“I don’t know.” She sighs, lying on her back again and pulling the covers up to her chest. “Sometimes, I feel like I don’t know even myself anymore. When was the last time I listened to the radio, you know? When was the last time I watched a movie? I feel like, when Brandon was born…” Janine swallows thickly. “Maybe part of me died.”
“No.” I reach for her hand. “It’s the same you, just better and stronger. Sexier. I know you’re in there, just waiting for a chance to come out and play with me.” I press my lips to her neck. “Maybe I should come in and play with you.”
Janine pushes me away. “Dash!”
“What?” I look at Janine with raised eyebrows.
“I’m not ready.” She sits up, rubbing her arm. “It’s not just me who isn’t the same… It’s my body.”
She pulls her knees up to her chest, hugging them.
“My stomach is all weird now and my…” Her eyes bulge as she searches for the right words. “I just feel like I’ve changed so much.”
“You had my child.” I sit beside her, stroking her jaw. “Do you understand how sexy that is to me?” I whisper a kiss against her earlobe. “Strong,” I whisper, kissing her jaw next. “And you got pregnant the good old-fashioned way.”
Janine snorts, hiding her face behind her arms. “Do you want to turn off the lights?” I suggest. She looks at me and nods.
I would rather make love to her with the lights on, of course, but if it makes her comfortable, let’s unscrew all the light bulbs in the house.
I want her.
But Janine hides even more of her face. “What if I don’t like sex anymore? What if you don’t like sex with me?”
I pull her arms out of the way. “There’s only one way to find out, right?” I sweep the hair away from her face and kiss her cheek. “I’ve been waiting for you, Janine.”
I straddle her and wedge my kneecap between her legs.
She says nothing, but her mouth falls open in a silent cringe of desire.
I stroke her cheek, looking into her eyes. “Did you think I wouldn’t be back?”
Janine purses her lips then looks down at her hands. “You don’t have a reason to do this anymore, Dash. We have a baby now.”
“If all I wanted was a baby, we would have done IVF,” I remind, lifting her chin gently so she meets my gaze. “But we didn’t.”
She falls silent, staring at me.
Grasping her chin, I kiss her slowly, tenderly. At first, she doesn’t respond. Then her soft lips quiver open as they press against mine. A shudder goes through me, cock throbbing in my boxers and heat crawling under my skin.
Fuck, I’ve missed her.
I move my hand to her cheek as I kiss her harder. A deep click sounds throughout the room, and the lights blink out all around us. Smaller, dimmer emergency lights flare up along the floorboards.
Janine pulls away, gazing in a panic toward the bedroom windows. “What’s going on?”
“Probably nothing,” I murmur into her neck.
“But there’s no power.” Dogs start barking on the lawn. Janine shifts, slithering from my embrace. She crosses the room like a streak of lightning. “I’ll check on Brandon.”
“He’s fine, baby,” I call after her. “It’s probably a downed wire.”
She leans back into the bedroom just to glare at me. “If we lost electricity, we wouldn’t have the emergency lights,” she says. She disappears back into the adjoining bathroom.
“It’s the security system,” I call after her, still not alarmed. These things happen. Last winter, a branch broke a window and set the thing off. “It shuts down the power and locks all the closed doors. Except the kennel. Those open so that the dogs can go out.”
“The security system can do that?” her voice floats from the bathroom.
I nod, sitting up. “We can still go out. I just have to punch the code.”
I hear the doorknob of Brandon’s nursery rattling in Janine’s hand. “Oh, thank god. We didn’t close it all the way.” There’s a pause, and then, “Brandon’s fine.”
I get out of bed and put my hands on her shoulders. “Of course, baby. No one’s going to hurt him.”
She turns to look at me, rubbing her arms with her shaking hands. “I thought this was the safest place.”
“It is,” I assure her, holding her against my chest. “It’s probably nothing, but this is why I pay professionals. So you don’t worry.”
Janine nods, but doesn’t seem convinced.
I might have the cure for what ails her. I’ve always heard that sex is good for relieving stress.
I hold her chin and turn her face to mine. “Why don’t we…?”
Janine balks. “NOW?”
“Well. The lights are already off.”
I lower my face to hers and kiss her, my hand moving down to caress her shoulder. As before, Janine hesitates… then melts, unable to resist. She puts her arms around my neck and kisses me back fully.
I move my hands to her backside, pressing her body
flush to mine and kissing harder. I crack her mouth open and our tongues dance together.
Fuck, I’ve missed her so much.
Already, my cock is hard and leaking, my balls heavy.
There’s already a small stain on the front of my boxers.
I know Janine thinks she’s changed, but everything feels the same to me.
I cup her breasts through the front of her gown and then slip my hands underneath, so I can feel them with my bare hands.
Janine pulls away, gasping. “Careful. They’re sensitive.” “I know.” As much as I want to do this hard and quick, having been deprived of it for so long, I know I have to be gentle. “This gown is convenient, isn’t it?” I kiss her neck as I rub her stiff nipples.
She moans. “Don’t try any funny stuff with those.”
I chuckle before capturing her mouth again, holding it captive while I run my hands over her body. Her hands begin moving, too, stroking the muscles of my back and grabbing my ass.
I think she missed me, too.
I reach for the hem of her nightgown, pulling it straight over her head. Then I push her down on the bed, staring at her.
Even from just the glow of the emergency lights, I can see how her body has changed, her breasts bigger, nipples darker. If her breasts were beautiful before, now, they’re mesmerizing, making me lick my lips as I cup their soft, perfect curves. Her hips are wider now, too, a woman’s hips, giving her a slightly more hourglass shape. I grip them as I stare at her belly, the stretch marks having faded but still there, like battle scars. Now, we are both warriors.
“Don’t stare.” She turns her head to the side. “I told you it’s not pretty.”
“What’s not pretty? This?”
I lower my head to suck on her breast and she pulls on my hair, gasping. I stop, licking my lips as I taste the milk.
“That’s not for you,” Janine says. “I see why Brandon likes it.”
I suck on her other breast, drawing another gasp. “These were mine first.”
I move lower to her belly and plant a reverent kiss on it. Not so long ago, our baby lived here. I dip my tongue into her bellybutton and then I move even lower, my face between her thighs.
I kiss the front of her moist panties, taking in her sweet scent. Then I pull them out of the way, staring at her.