by J. L. Drake
But she didn’t react. Her body stayed rigid as she continued to stare at the ceiling, almost unflinching.
I hated the unfairness that Ayla had to go through. I wanted to know the truth. No, I was desperate for the truth. I needed to know who she was and who the fuck hurt her.
I looked down at our hands. They were next to each other but not touching. I inched my fingers closer to hers, feeling the heavy tension and anguish rolling off her in waves.
“Can I touch you?” I asked.
I shifted my gaze up just in time to see her eyes widening in shock at my question. “Can I hold your hand?” I murmured, wanting another reaction from her.
But Ayla stayed silent. Her green eyes lost focus again. If it was possible, she grew even more tense and I started to worry if I had pushed too hard, too fast.
Rather than answering, Ayla slowly moved her hand. But she didn’t move toward me. Instead, she took her hand away and placed it over her stomach.
That was all the answer I got. But it spoke volumes.
She was shutting down and refusing any comfort.
I blew out a sharp breath and then sighed as I stood up. “I just want you to know that you are loved. You matter. To Maddie. To Lena.” I paused and swallowed hard. And to me. But I didn’t say it out loud.
Silence.
Ayla closed her eyes, effectively shutting me out. She was reclusive. Unresponsive.
I stared at her one last time before turning around and walking away. Each step I took away from her was painful but I forced myself to take them.
She needed time alone. To think and to come to terms with what happened. But I just hoped that she heard the words I said.
Because they were the truth.
Chapter 34
Ayla
The night before felt like a blur. I was ashamed that Alessio and the others had found me this way. They had to see me in my moment of weakness.
Alessio continued to ask me questions. He coaxed me to reveal the truth. His words felt like they were coming under water and my body felt like it was floating.
He begged. He cajoled. He sounded desperate. He told me I was worth more than I thought, yet I couldn’t bring myself to respond.
He was wrong. I was worth nothing. I was a whore. Dirty. Used. I was just an empty vessel.
His words hurt because he was lying.
I wanted to scream. I hated him. Stop lying, please. My heart was aching. It hurt so much. I didn’t bring happiness. I was not light. I was darkness. Nobody cared. I was on my own.
Alessio bent closer and I felt his warmth next to my hand that laid on the bed. His hand was close to mine. So close yet not touching.
“Can I touch you?”
I went rigid. No. He couldn’t touch me. I didn’t think I could bear a man’s touch at that moment. Or anyone’s touch.
It felt like I would crumble and fade away in the air.
Please leave. Please go. Leave me.
I heard him blow out a sharp breath and he stood up, pushing the chair away. He was leaving.
“I just want you to know that you are loved…you matter. To Maddie. To Lena,” Alessio murmured gently.
His words felt like sharp knife against my heart.
Closing my eyes, I gave him only silence. I didn’t say anything. I couldn’t.
His words hurt. I wished they didn’t, but his lies broke my already fractured heart. I trusted him, yet he fed me lies.
As he walked away, his footsteps faded away until I didn’t hear him anymore. When I heard the door close, I sighed and kept my eyes shut.
I rubbed my fingers over the bumpy bandages and my nose tingled as the tears started to form behind my close eyelids. I never thought I would take such a step. I didn’t even remember it happening. I was so lost, so far gone that I didn’t realize what I was doing.
But I remember the silence that I felt when I lost consciousness. It felt nice. Empowering. It felt like I was in charge of my emotions for once. However, I knew it was wrong.
As a single tear slipped down the side of my face, I pulled the covers up under my chin. Turning to my left side, I faced the window but still kept my eyes closed. Swiping the trail of tears away, I sighed and let the tiredness take over my body.
A few minutes later, I was asleep again. And Alessio’s voice never left me.
“You are worth more than you think.”
***
My eyes snapped open and I quickly blinked the sleepiness away when I heard my door open. My body stiffened.
A few seconds later, I felt my bed shift beside me and the scent of rose perfume teased my nose.
Maddie.
I looked up and saw her staring down at me, her face sad. Her eyes were red and puffy and she looked haggard.
“Hey,” she whispered.
“Hey,” I replied softly.
She stared at me silently for a few seconds and then she sniffled. My eyes widened when I saw hers filled with unshed tears.
“Don’t ever do that again,” she said, quickly swiping away the tears that fell down her cheeks.
“Maddie.” My chest felt impossibly tight at the sight of her crying.
“You…know…how hard that was…seeing you like that. Finding you in that state?” She wept.
I closed my eyes as guilt encompassed my heart and body.
“You can’t ever do that again, Ayla. You can’t.”
“I’m sorry.”
Maddie pushed her hair from her face and wiped away the fallen tears.
“Ayla, we can help. You just have to say it. Talk to me. Please. I can’t see you like this. You don’t deserve this. Let us help,” she whispered, her hand slowly moving up so that it was resting on my head. She absently patted my hair, her eyes still on mine. “I’m sorry.”
Sorry? Why was she sorry? I blinked up at her, confused, and she looked away sadly.
“I should have known. I should have noticed, but instead I had let myself believe that you were happy. I should have been there for you.”
“You are wrong.” When I had finally pulled myself in a sitting position, I took Maddie’s hand in mine. “I was happy,” I admitted. “The happiest I had ever been. And you gave me that. You. Lena. Alessio.”
She looked at me, confused, her eyes showing suspicion. She seemed to be trying to find any hints that I was lying. But I wasn’t. They were the truest words I had ever spoken.
Swallowing hard, I grasped at the small bit of determination inside me. “I had a nightmare last night.”
Maybe I could tell her. Not the whole truth. But parts of it. Maybe then she would understand.
“I don’t remember much, but it was horrible. It was bad. It hurt so much,” I whispered. “Even when I woke up, it wouldn’t leave me. I just wanted it to go away. I just wanted silence.”
Her eyes were wide and her mouth was opened in surprise. “Do you have a lot of these nightmares?” she asked gently, her face softening as she regarded me with sorrowful eyes.
I was looking at her, but looking right past her as the images of my nightmares flashed in front of me. “Yes. Most of the time,” I whispered, my voice sounding a little lost. And that was exactly how I felt. Lost. I didn’t know where I belonged anymore. I didn’t know what to feel or want. “I didn’t have them for some time. But last night it came back,” I admitted. The only reason I didn’t get the nightmares was because of Alessio. Because of his jacket. But my peace was snatched away from me.”
“Is there a reason why it stays away and comes back again?” Maddie asked, her tone cautious. Her fingers were wrapped around mine and she was rubbing them soothingly.
Shrugging, I looked away, avoiding eye contact with her. This was my secret. I couldn’t tell her. It sounded pathetic even in my head. I could only imagine how bad it would sound to Maddie.
“Okay,” she said. I was thankful that she didn’t push. “Thank you for telling me.” She squeezed my hand in a comforting manner.
I nodded mutely.
“Ayla, you can always talk to me. I’m here for you. So, whenever you are ready, I will be waiting. I’m not going to push. This is your choice. But know that I am here for you. Not only me, but Mom and Alessio too. And everyone else.” Maddie leaned forward and placed a kiss on my forehead. “There is always light at the end of the dark tunnel,” she whispered before pulling back. Her words took my breath away and the tears stung the back of my eyes again.
“Maddie.” I sniffled.
“Shhh, I’m here,” she said, wrapping her arms around me. I buried my head in her shoulders and cried. I cried for the years of pain that were bestowed upon me. I cried for the painful life that I had to live. I cried at my hopelessness.
And I cried for the kindness that was being shown to me. They were supposed to be my enemies but instead they had showed me more goodness than I had ever seen in my entire life.
“Thank you,” I choked as Maddie rubbed my back soothingly.
“It’s okay. It’s going to be okay. You are going to be okay,” she whispered, her voice soft and filled with compassion.
I didn’t know how much time passed. But by the time my tears had dried, I felt completely drained. But lighter. My heart didn’t hurt as bad and I could breathe better. More calm.
Pulling away from Maddie, I wiped away my tears as she gave me a small encouraging smile.
“You must be hungry,” she said, changing the topic. I was grateful for her understanding. I nodded and placed my palm over my stomach.
“A little,” I replied.
“Okay. Sit tight. I will bring you your breakfast.”
“Wait,” I called when she was near the door. Maddie stopped and faced me again.
Biting on my lips nervously, I push the few strands of hair away from my face. “Where is Lena?” I asked, finally voicing the question that I had been dreading to ask.
Maddie lost her smile. “Mom is downstairs. When I go down, I will let her know you are awake. She will come up so fast that you will not have time to blink.”
“Is she angry?” I knew I disappointed and hurt them with my actions. But I didn’t want Lena to be angry at me.
Maddie quickly shook her head, her eyes going wide at my question. “No,” she gasped. “Never. Ayla, Mom was so worried. She will be happy that you are awake. She can never be mad at you.”
“Okay,” I replied, my heart settling in a steady pace again.
Maddie gave me another smile and then winked. “I will be right back.”
“Okay.”
Chapter 35
I avoided looking near the tub as I turned off the light and walked out of the bathroom. It was spotless clean but I didn’t want the memories to come back.
Walking over to my bed, I sat down on the edge. The sun was setting and it cast a light orange glow into the room, filling it with serenity.
Even though I had spent most of the day sleeping, I still felt tired. After Maddie had brought me breakfast, Lena had come up. The look on her face had broken my heart. She scolded me. She cried. We cried together.
And afterwards, she pulled me down on the bed and her sweet singing voice had lulled me to sleep. Her hands were patting my hair comfortingly and as I fell asleep, a small smile had stretched across my lips.
Maybe Alessio was right.
Maybe I was loved. I desperately wanted to believe it.
A knock at the door snapped me out of my thoughts. “Yes?” I called out, glancing toward it.
The door slowly opened and I gaped when I saw Nikolay walking in.
“How are you feeling?” he asked, his tone impassive as always.
“Okay…”
What was he doing here?
“Are you really?” He cocked his head to the side in question as he stared at me expectantly. I placed my hands on the bed and absently traced patterns on it. His presence made the room look smaller and his dark intense stare caused a shiver to run down my spine.
“I’m…feeling better,” I corrected myself. He nodded and kept his eyes on me. Nikolay looked thoughtful for a second before he walked forward and came to a stop in front of me.
Droplets of sweat trickled down my back as my nervousness grew. Why was he here? Did he come to taunt me? The thought made me cringe.
We stared at each other in silence and then he moved. Keeping his eyes on me, he took off his suit jacket and laid it on the chair beside him. My eyes widened when I saw him starting to unbutton his white dress shirt.
“What…are…”
“Do you know how I got this scar?” he asked, bringing a hand up to point at his face. I tore my eyes away from his chest and looked up. His eyes were blank, but his lips had thinned into a hard line.
Most of the time, I didn’t even pay attention to the scar on his face. It was likely because I had always avoided looking at his cold and angry face. But now that he pointed at his scar, I stared at it. The scar ran from his right eyebrow and down to his chin. It was deep and looked like a puckered slash.
It must have hurt a lot. I winced at the thought, but I wondered how he got it.
When I finally shook my head at his question, he nodded and continued to unbutton his shirt. Nikolay turned away from me, giving me his back as he faced the opposite wall. In a flash, he had his shirt removed.
Bringing my hand up, I covered my mouth as I gasped at the sight.
“Oh my God,” I breathed.
His back was covered with scars. They looked old, but none of them had faded away. Some were long and deep. The agony he must have gone through.
I saw his back muscles bunch as his body tensed at my gasp. Nikolay turned back toward me and I let out a whimper, this time tears blinding my vision.
His chest and stomach were covered in scars too.
“How?” I croaked.
“Six years ago, I was taken by Italians. They held me captive for almost four weeks, torturing me day and night. They wanted information.”
My heart stumbled at his words and I tried to calm my breathing. The Italians? Oh God. No. Not another one.
How many people did my family destroy?
“Did you? I mean, did you say anything?” I whispered, keeping my gaze on his scarred chest.
When I heard him scoff, my eyes snapped up. He looked at me like I had lost my mind. Shaking his head, he sighed. “No, Ayla. I didn’t spill anything. I would take a bullet for Alessio. Do you really think I would betray him?”
No, I didn’t think he would betray him. Nikolay was cold and hard. He appeared unfeeling, but from what I had seen during my short time here, he was loyal. And protective of Alessio.
When he said he would take a bullet for Alessio, I believed him. He looked proud when he uttered the words.
“I was barely alive when Alessio and the others found me. Because of severe blood loss, nerve damage, and brain swelling, I was in a coma for three weeks.” Nikolay paused and took a deep breath. “When I woke up, I had to learn how to walk again. And two days after, I was diagnosed with PTSD.”
My heart broke at his confession. I never expected this. Even though his expression had hardened, I saw a flash of pain in his eyes. And the tears that had built up in mine fell freely down my cheeks. Nikolay’s eyes widened at the sight of my tears and I saw his throat move almost painfully when he swallowed hard.
“Nightmares, hallucinations, deep anger, depression, and self-loathing. They became a constant in my life,” he continued, his eyes shifting away from mine.
His pain spoke to me. Because I knew what it felt like.
“I remember pointing a gun at my temple, wanting to end it all,” he said.
No.
“But Alessio talked me out of it. Viktor. Phoenix. Artur. Lena. They were all there. They cared. I’m alive today because of them,” he said.
When his expression softened, the cold look disappearing from his face, I sucked in a deep breath.
“You must be wondering why I’m telling you this?” He let out a harsh laugh before shaking his
head. “I’m telling you this because I want you to know that I understand. Whatever you are going through, I understand. We understand. Nobody is perfect in this mansion. Some of us have painful pasts while other have less painful pasts. But we know. We understand. And we want to help.”
Nikolay was man of few words and for him to say this to me, it took my breath away.
Maybe they would understand, but I was still the enemy’s daughter.
Maybe if I was someone else, maybe if I wasn’t an Abandonato, it wouldn’t have mattered. But would they still feel the same way if they knew that I was Alfredo’s daughter? An Italian? The same family that they hated so much.
“I don’t know what you have been through. But if you’ve come this far, then you are a fighter. You are not weak,” he continued in a surprisingly soft voice.
Nikolay slowly moved toward me and stopped only inches away. He was so close that his legs were almost touching mine. I swallowed nervously, and from my sitting position, I had to bend my head backward to look up at him. He was so tall that the top of my head only came up to his stomach. Nikolay towered over me as I blinked up at him with tearful eyes.
His pitch black eyes were intense and piercing, impossible to read, and they gleamed in the glow of the sunset.
My eyes widened when I felt something warm on my arm. I looked down quickly to his hand placed gently over my bandages. He rubbed his thumb back and forth, causing my stomach to flip.
“You are worth more than this,” he whispered.
At his words, I remembered what Alessio said this morning. His voice rang through my mind. “You are worth more than you think.” I brought a hand up and covered my mouth as a sob broke through.
“You are a fighter, Ayla. So keep fighting. Don’t give up now.” He gently caressed my arm one last time before pulling his hand away and stepping back.
He walked away silently, and I continued to cry, my eyes still fixated on my bandaged arm.
I never thought of myself as a fighter. I was weak. Broken.
But he had called me a fighter. He was right, I had come this far. I endured years of torture, so why was I giving up now?