Lizzy put her cup down on the small round table beside her and leaned forward. ‘I recall how green you were in the carriage that day. Do you truly feel better? Margaret had suffered through sickness with each of her children. This last had been especially difficult for her.
There was concern in her sister’s voice. It almost brought tears to Charlotte’s eyes.
‘Yes, although if I smell chocolate, I want to vomit.’
A small laugh escaped Lizzy’s lips before she pressed them closed. ‘Can you feel it moving inside you?’
‘No, not yet. I think it is still too small.’
She nodded as if she hadn’t considered that. ‘Are you planning on delivering the child here or in Cheshire?’
‘The Duchess of Winterbourne has introduced me to her physician. I understand he is very reputable and she has kindly offered to stay with me on their estate in Kent for the months surrounding the birth. I can alter the date of the birth if I choose when I return to Cheshire to ensure there is no speculation about the cause of my marriage.’ Since Andrew would not be living with her, she was giving this consideration.
‘Princess Charlotte had a well-respected physician attend to her. You know what happened to her.’ She looked down at her hands and her shoulders dropped. ‘I fear for you.’
It was as if Charlotte’s heart leapt at the declaration. Was it possible that she hadn’t lost Lizzy for ever? Was it possible they could be as close as they once were? ‘I will be fine. You have nothing to fear.’
‘But you can’t say that for certain.’
‘No, I cannot. But I won’t live my life afraid that death is around every corner.’
There was a profound sadness in Lizzy’s eyes. ‘I’ve missed you, Charlotte. Terribly.’ She extended her hand across the space between them with her palm facing up.
Instead of taking her hand, Charlotte moved beside Lizzy and wrapped her in her arms. ‘I have missed you, too. I never meant to hurt you. Had I known...’ She looked into her sister’s large liquid eyes. ‘This isn’t what I wanted. You should have been the one to get married. My future was behind me.’
‘Are you in love with him?’
She didn’t want to talk to Lizzy about Andrew. And she didn’t know how she felt about him. Each day they were together, she consciously avoided analysing why she liked being around him more than she liked when they were apart. Could one heart hold love for two men, even if one of them was gone? She had never thought that was possible. And trying to determine if it was only made her head hurt.
What she did know was that he made her happy and now, sitting across from Lizzy, that notion burned in her gut. Her sister looked so sad and alone. It broke Charlotte’s heart to know that she had done that to her. She had taken away the chance at the one thing her sister thought would bring her happiness.
‘I loved Jonathan, Lizzy. I do not love Andrew. We had to get married. There is a difference. From the time I realised I was carrying this child, I’ve been asking myself why did this happen now. I had prayed for years for a child when I was married to Jonathan. When he was killed, I mourned losing him and the child I would never have with him. This child should have been his.’
Lizzy’s eyes were red and she began to sniffle. Charlotte grabbed her napkin off the upholstered bench of the sofa across from them and her eyes met Andrew’s stoic expression as he stood in the doorway.
He held her gaze for a few heartbeats and then turned to walked away.
A cold chill ran through her body. Part of her wanted to run after him, but she didn’t know what she would say. Knowing he had heard her filled every space of her heart with anguish.
Chapter Twenty-One
Andrew sat on a bench in the garden, hunched over and staring down at the grass between his boots, where a short while ago he had been laughing with Charlotte. His chest ached and it was hard to swallow. He was an ass. As much as he vowed to himself that he wouldn’t get close to her, he had. He cared for her and wanted to have a life with her.
This child should have been his.
They didn’t belong together. She was never his and never would be. He would always be a poor substitute for the one man she had ever loved—would ever love. That would never change.
There was no sense in denying he was falling in love with her. He thought about her more than he should and would rather be here teaching her how to plant a facer than in Gabriel’s study discussing threats to the Crown. She had disrupted his orderly life and he hadn’t stopped her.
It was time he drew up a new plan.
The sound of slow footfalls crunching on the gravel path should have had him looking up, but he couldn’t be bothered. It wasn’t until Charlotte’s green slippers came into view that he finally raised his head. She brushed a wayward strand of his hair out of his eyes and clasped her hands together in front of her. For someone who appeared to have mended her relationship with her sister, her expression was very grave.
‘Were you able to get some ice for your hand?’
He looked back down and dug out some grass with the tip of his boot. ‘The iceman hadn’t been around today.’
Birds started chirping in the tree behind him.
‘Does it truly hurt?’
He never thought leaving her would hurt this much. He never thought his heart could hold this much pain. ‘It won’t hurt for ever.’ At least he hoped it wouldn’t, but he wasn’t entirely certain.
‘May I sit down?’
The wooden bench wasn’t very big, but he made room for her by sliding to the end. He knew what he had to do, but every time he opened his mouth to say it, his chest would tighten and his throat would dry up. Finally, he found his voice. ‘London is horrid in the heat.’
She clasped her hands together on her lap. ‘It is—however, it’s rather comfortable here in the shade.’
‘But not everywhere you go do you find comfort in the shade.’ Closing his eyes, he rubbed his chin and then turned to face her.
There was a look of regret in her eyes mixed with sadness. Had her visit with her sister reminded her how much she regretted having to marry him? It appeared that way.
‘I loved Jonathan, Lizzy. I do not love Andrew. We had to get married. There is a difference.’
He would always remember those words. The grim sound of her voice while she said them would haunt him for a long time. It shouldn’t matter to him. But those words, said by the woman sitting next to him, sliced him to pieces like no knife could.
He took a deep breath and braced himself for what he had to do. ‘London in the summer is no place for you. You should go back to Cheshire.’
‘You want us to go to Cheshire?’
‘No. I think you should go.’
* * *
Charlotte couldn’t unclasp her hands if she tried. Her entire body stiffened with his words. He wanted her to leave?
‘I don’t mind the warm weather and I find I actually prefer London when the Season is over. There are far fewer crowds and no social obligations.’
‘It is not good for you or the baby.’
‘It won’t be that much different up north.’ It was too soon. They were just settling in together. Two weeks. They had only been married two weeks!
‘Charlotte.’ His stern tone startled her with its sound of reproach. ‘This needs to end.’
Her stomach dropped. ‘What?’
He scrubbed his hand across his mouth and looked over at her, all the while keeping his body angled forward. ‘Why are we doing this? Why are we pretending this marriage is more than it really is? We were married because of a child. Both of us have lives that we want to live and those lives take us to two different places. There is no reason either of us should be inconvenienced this way.’
The smallest tremor shook her body. He was doing this because he heard her tell Lizzy they hadn’t ma
rried for love. It wasn’t a lie. But that didn’t mean she hadn’t come to care for him. That didn’t mean that she wanted to live apart.
But apparently, she had reminded him that he did.
Butterflies were crashing in her stomach while her chest was so tight it was a wonder she could breathe. She was losing him and she didn’t know what to say to stop it from happening.
‘Why should we prolong the inevitable?’ His voice faded in the hushed stillness between them. ‘Why should you remain here in London with me?’
Through the jumble of her emotions, she tried to determine why she didn’t want their time together to end so soon. She had no words to describe what it was she felt about him or why she wanted to be with him. She only knew she did. But he was asking her for a reason and she didn’t have one to give him, not one that she was willing to admit to him or even to herself. And the fact he was pushing her for an answer she didn’t have was making her feel as though she was in a small room with no way out.
‘You don’t have to accompany me,’ she said in a rush. ‘I am capable of returning home on my own.’
She had just mended her relationship with Lizzy. Her sister’s words when she was leaving were still fresh in Charlotte’s mind.
‘I’m sorry. I realise you didn’t do any of this to purposely hurt me.’
For the past three weeks, Charlotte believed that if Lizzy would only speak to her again, this hollowness inside her would go away. But it was still there. And, it felt even bigger now.
He turned away and stared at his foot digging into the ground, pushing dirt and grass up on the black leather. ‘I will accompany you to Cheshire.’ More dirt slid across the leather. ‘As the new master of the house, I need to become acquainted with your staff. I expect I’ll stay for a day or two before I return to London.’
At least this time when he left, she would know he was going. Not that it would make adjusting to his absence from her life any easier. Her mouth was so dry it was difficult to speak. ‘Shall I send word to you when I arrive in Kent prior to the birth?’
He continued to look down at the ground, and she almost thought he hadn’t been paying attention to what she said, until he gave her a nod.
‘Very well then, if this is what you wish.’
He kept digging his boot in the dirt.
There was no sense in sitting beside him when she was on the verge of tears. She was too proud for that. ‘I should go inside and write to a few people to let them know I am leaving.’ Her voice cracked when she said it, but she couldn’t help it.
Chapter Twenty-Two
A soft breeze blew in through the long open widows of the billiards room at Toby’s house as Andrew prepared to take his shot. The suggestion to play billiards was his, since it was the closest thing he could do with Toby to help him try to forget that he was leaving Charlotte in less than an hour. He would have preferred to go a few rounds with Toby, but that would likely end with his friend bloodied and bruised, and he didn’t think Ann Knightly would appreciate that.
‘It’s taking you an awful long time to line up that shot,’ Toby said.
‘You’re standing too close.’
‘I’m on the other side of the table.’
For good measure, Andrew flicked his wrist to indicate Toby should move. It didn’t matter if Toby stood in another room, Andrew’s attention would still be drawn to the murmur of female voices travelling into the room through the open windows. And no matter how much he strained to listen, he couldn’t hear what they were saying.
‘Have you always been this bad at billiards? If I had known, I would have asked you to play more when you visited here last.’
‘You’re trying to distract me.’
Toby lowered his cue like a walking stick and leaned his lanky frame on it. ‘No, I’m not. I am glad you did stop here before you left for London, though. It’s nice to see you again.’
‘You’re only saying that because you’re winning.’
‘That might be true.’
When Andrew looked up from surveying the potential shot in front of him, he caught the look on Toby’s face. ‘If you would stop talking, I could make my shot.’
‘Sorry.’
It was a warm day and both men had removed their coats. Andrew had rolled his sleeves up and the felt of the billiards table was warm against his skin. Getting ready to take his shot, he moved his head from side to side.
‘With all the creaking, you sound like an old man.’
‘Blast it, Toby, will you just stop talking.’
‘Sorry.’
The sound of the voices outside grew from a murmur to a faint whisper. All he was able to make out was ‘London’ and he wasn’t even sure who said it. Toby lowered himself so he was out of view of the table. Only the top of the billiards cue was visible.
Andrew leaned as far as he could over the table and saw the top of Toby’s head. ‘What the devil are you doing down there?’
‘Sitting. Waiting for you to make that shot is exhausting.’
Letting out a groan, Andrew got back into position, lined up his shot and missed the ball entirely.
‘Is it my turn?’
‘Yes, come back up. It’s your shot.’
When Toby stood, he surveyed the table. ‘The ball hasn’t moved.’
‘Just don’t...’
His friend held up his hands and walked around the table to study his shot. ‘It will be nice to have you near now. We were thrilled to hear you and Charlotte met up unexpectedly in London and weren’t surprised when we learned of your wedding.’ He caught Andrew’s eye before he looked back at the table. ‘It was apparent the two of you liked one another and I won’t mention that you looked as though you wanted to bed her the moment you laid eyes on her.’
‘That is my wife you are speaking of.’
Toby looked back to Andrew. ‘I mean no disrespect.’
‘Then I suggest you find something else to discuss. Or better yet, stop talking and take your shot.’
‘I could analyse my shot for an hour and it still would be less than the time it took you to make your last one.’
Andrew moved his hands in a rude gesture which made Toby laugh.
‘I do have one question for you,’ Toby said, looking back down at the table. ‘Why are you leaving so soon? You just arrived. Now you are going back to London and Charlotte is staying here.’
‘I have business to attend to and I cannot take time away from it to be here.’
He knew it was a worthless excuse. It didn’t matter. His marriage to Charlotte and the reason he was leaving was no one else’s concern.
They had barely spoken since he had told her she should return to her home. Throughout their journey north she stayed inside her carriage and he rode his horse. Each time they stopped along the way to dine and rest the horses, they ate in silence. And when they stayed overnight in the inn, he arranged for separate rooms. They were travelling together as strangers, instead of husband and wife. It was better this way for her. It was for the best she did not love him. He led a dangerous life. She didn’t deserve to lose another person she loved.
He thought leaving her would be easy. It was what he had wanted. But each time he told himself it was time to go, he would find another excuse to stay. This time he vowed to himself this visit to Toby’s would be the last thing he did with her. God willing, the next time he would see her would be in Kent for the birth of their child.
How he wished he had one last chance to place his hand on her stomach and try to feel any indication his child was inside and well. He didn’t doubt she was carrying his child. Charlotte would never have lied about such a thing. But there was yet to be any kind of physical evidence it was in there. It still didn’t quite feel real.
Voices drifted once more into the room and he went to the window to see what Charlotte wa
s doing. He spied her walking among the roses in the garden with Ann Knightly. The straw bonnet she wore obscured the view of her face—a face that he knew would be haunting his dreams for a very long time.
* * *
Charlotte was coming to hate the smell of roses, but to be polite to Ann she was admiring the newest bushes that her friend had added to her garden.
‘Aren’t they lovely?’
No, they weren’t. They were making her melancholy because they brought back memories of her wedding night with Andrew—a night that she once cherished and now, in the last few days, just brought her pain.
‘Your Aunt Clara always liked roses. They remind me of her.’
‘They once reminded me of her as well.’ Until she walked into her room on her wedding night. Now, they brought her back to when Andrew had laid her on a bed of them. She glanced over at the house that was not far away and wondered what he was doing inside.
‘It’s a shame he has to return to London so soon,’ Ann continued, ‘but I agree with him, summer in the country is lovely. And I’m sure he will be returning as soon as his business affairs are settled. It is so nice to have you back here close to me.’ She took Charlotte’s hand and gave it a gentle squeeze.
From the corner of Charlotte’s eye, she spied movement on the terrace and watched Toby and Andrew slowly walk towards the stable. It was time for him to go and her heart slipped in her chest. They hadn’t been married very long, but she knew she was going to miss him.
She walked to the front of the house with Ann, as if it were a funeral. The last time Andrew left Cheshire, he hadn’t said goodbye to her. That might have been preferable to what she was faced with now. When he suggested they go to see Ann and Toby before he left, it saddened her to think their last moments together would be shared with their friends. But now she was grateful for their company, since they could do most of the talking. She didn’t know how to say goodbye to him.
As the men approached, Andrew held the reins to his horse, Eclipse. His strode towards her with that commanding presence he possessed and his long brown coat was blowing behind him with every step. The brim of his hat was low, blocking out the midday sun from his hazel eyes. This would be one of the last images she would have of him for months.
One Week to Wed Page 20