by Greg Mantell
I knew I was being punished for my faithlessness, I did not pray enough and believe that God would provide, so He was punishing me with sickness and hurt.
I don’t remember exactly when Wendy and M.J. knocked on my door. It was the first time I did not see M.J. and El together.
They looked pale, I was scared that something happened. M.J. was nice, he asked if I needed gasoline for my van and he said that he would get some for me. I wanted to ask if he and El were any closer to finding their father but I did not.
Wendy asked for my help, the La Vaca truck had not come for many weeks so almost all of the food in the orphanage was gone. The children were hungry. She asked if I could come with them down the hill and help pack as much food as we could. I said yes, I wanted to help them, especially the children. That was always my intention, it was to help the children.
We went down the hill to La Vaca Amable abarrotes y carnicería, it was a store too. Wendy stayed by the vans, the white van and mine, she made sure nobody would steal them.
I felt sick standing next to Pastor David. I did not want to look at him. I was there to help the children. I would do it for the children.
We were shopping when a man told Pastor David and M.J. and El to come to the back of the store. We went to the back in the freezer, that was where all the food and meat was.
There must have been fifteen people there, some of the people were wearing uniforms, other people were in regular clothes. Some of them told me go away, that I did not belong there because I was a woman.
Heriberto said it was fine, he was sitting at a table in the middle of the room. I had never seen him before but I had heard about him around Libertad. People did not like him because the truck did not come up the hill anymore. They called him a pandillero.
He saw Pastor David and said his name all excited. ‘¡David, David, David!’ He came over and gave him a strong handshake, he said hello to M.J. and El, he did not say hello to me.
I could not understand them because they were speaking English, he was speaking in English to Pastor David for a very long time. The other men in the room started bugging El, they hit him on the shoulder and flicked his ear and tried to get him to say something. M.J. shouted at the men to stop it. They started arguing, Heriberto yelled at the men and they stopped. They did not touch El after that.
They walked back over to us and he said goodbye, Pastor David just walked out, he did not say anything. He was white as a ghost. We got all the food we needed. We packed it into the vans.
It was so quiet in the van as we were driving back. I had to ask, I asked M.J. what Pastor David and Heriberto were talking about, he said he was not sure. Then El started yelling. It was something about ‘kids.’ I never heard him say anything before but he said it was the ‘kids,’ the ‘kids,’ something about the ‘kids.’
Wendy thanked me for helping get the food, she invited me to eat with the children that night, I still did not feel good being with Pastor David but I still came to dinner. I was very hungry.
It was a big happy dinner just like the posada. Ray and Theo were there. The children looked happy. I stayed with them all night and helped put them to bed.
Pastor David called everyone into his office. I did not want to go, it made me sick to be in there but I wanted to know what was going on.
Pastor David was speaking in English, Wendy and Ray and Theo and the brothers, they all looked upset. He finally spoke to me in Spanish and said that the Reino de Dios was closing and that the children would have to be moved elsewhere. They had only three days to close the orphanage and move the children.
I did not know what to do or say, I did not know where we would move the children or where they would live. Wendy and M.J. started talking in English, I felt like I was going to vomit this big meal that I just ate.
I thought of the posada at Christmas, how Ray and Theo brought food from America and there was more than enough for everyone. Why should the children suffer in Libertad, there would be plenty of food in America and it would be safe, I thought they should be in America and live a better life.
I had never thought of it before, being one of those people wandering in the desert. But I thought it was the only solution. There was no good life for the children in Libertad anymore.
I just blurted out we should bring the children to America. I was loud, I could have awoken the children. Pastor David said no, he was angry again. Wendy also said it was not a good idea, there were many other ways to keep the children safe. M.J. and El did not say anything.
I remember going back to my van and praying, I prayed for God’s guidance. All I could hear was get across the border.
You must believe me when I say that I wanted to do it for the children. I wanted to do it for myself too. There is no escaping my sin. I realize now I was not sick from dinner. It was my child.
I knew it in my heart. I felt it when I was pregnant twice before. I knew that I could not raise a child here and I would not give it away to an orphanage again. I was going to give this child a safe and happy life. I realize I was only thinking of myself too. I was sinful, I confess it.
I could not get the idea out of my head, I could not sleep because of it. I did not where to start, I did not know anyone who could get across the border.
I had heard of so many things when I was young. I should get a visa and find a job. I should go on the Internet and find someone in America. I should meet a coyote, but they were terrible people and I did not want to talk with them.
I did not know anyone that could help. We did not have much time, we had to get the children out of Libertad.
It was the morning, M.J. and El came to my van, M.J. asked if I still thought about getting the children across the border and I said yes. He said that he may know a way.
I did not trust anyone who would cross the border illegally. But M.J. was so nice and so smart that I trusted him. I trusted that he knew a way to get the children across safely.
We went to Julio’s home, I did not feel good anymore. I had known Julio ever since we were children, he always acted strange around me. I thought that they always liked me, that was why he offered to help fix my van many months ago.
He lived with his mother and sister, they said he was at work. His mother yelled at the brothers when we left, she is very old and angry. I did not want to be like her one day.
We went down the hill to the scrapyard, it was a long walk, my feet were swollen. Julio was working all the way in the back. He looked cheerful, he shook hands with M.J. and El, he wanted to give me a hug, I said no.
It was very loud, we had to go where there was no one else around. I was still scared that someone would hear us talking.
I did not think Julio was a coyote or knew any coyotes, they are not good people. He started talking with M.J. about how we needed to get the children across the border in less than two days, they were in danger in Libertad and would have a better life in America.
He asked if I was going with them and I said yes. He refused, he did not want to help us, he said he had a very good life here and did not want us to risk dying. M.J. talked to him, he got Julio to calm down. M.J. was still acting nice, he could get whatever he wanted out of people.
They talked about a tunnel, Julio said they could not use it because it had been found by border agents. I did not know what they were talking about, I did not know anything about a tunnel.
He said he knew a coyote to take them through the desert. I said no, there were eight children and I did not trust a coyote to take them through the desert, I heard too many stories of people going through the desert with coyotes to cross the border and never coming back.
We asked for another way, he said that there were a lot of ways but they were not very good. People trying to hide in barrels of sewage and gasoline and freezer trucks. I did not like any of these ideas. They made my stomach turn even more.
M.J. kept talking, he said please find a way to get the eight children across the border, a safe way
. Julio said that he would try but I did not believe him. I thanked him and gave him a hug but I did not believe that he would find a way across the border. His mind was always scattered, he would not remember.
We did not go back up the hill together. El had wandered off, he would wander off sometimes. M.J. went to go find him.
I could not sleep I was so nervous, I prayed that I would hear God, I prayed very hard that God would find a way to get us safely out of Libertad.
There was also no one there at the orphanage. Mateo and Jose were not in the security booth. I was afraid that everyone had left without me. I was knocking on the door for a very long time, no one answered, no one was there.
Someone finally came back, it was Pastor David in the van. I do not know if I should have been grateful to see him, I wish it was Mateo or Jose or Ray or Wendy. He looked as red as an apple and very tired, he may not have slept for days.
He asked me what I was doing, he was not angry like I thought he would be. I said that I was setting up my jewelry stand.
He let me inside, the children were quiet, they were playing a quiet game in the common area, all of the arts and crafts supplies were gone. The kitchen was bare, it looked like they were ready to move out.
It still made me sick to look at Pastor David. I could see that he saw I was expecting a child, I knew that he could see my belly. He would not say anything about it, it was the only time I saw him so quiet.
I asked him where everyone was and he said that they was a new building for the orphanage and that they would be moving there soon. They had so much work to do and very few people to help, Mateo and Jose had quit so they would have to be extra careful.
Then he thanked me for my help, he thanked me and said that he was sorry. I had never heard him say sorry before. He did not say what he was sorry for. I did not know what to say back to him, I just kept quiet.
He said that I could stay in the orphanage until we moved out. I did not know what to do, I did not feel safe alone with Pastor David but I did not feel safe in my van on the street.
I wanted to help the children. That seemed like the only choice I could make. It was the only choice that God had given me, to protect to children and get them to a happier place where there would be plenty of food and shelter. You must believe me. It was my only choice. It was God’s will.
The service was the last time I saw the children. They walked into through the sanctuary holding palms and everyone cheered.
They looked so happy. They were so young and they would not know what it was like to have that happiness torn away from you when you grow older. I think it was part of God’s plan that they would never know that pain.
The brothers were not there. The night before M.J. had said he would put air in my tires and fix an oil leak in my van, so I slept at the orphanage while he took my van down the hill to make the repairs. I did not see him the next morning. I have not seen him since and I do not want to see him again.
Wendy and Ray and Theo were still there. The children were still running around and playing with the palms like swords. I made sure no one got hurt. Everything in the orphanage was gone. There was nothing in the kitchen or the common area. Everything was cleaned out, it looked like everybody was ready to move except for me.
Pastor David left after the service, we could not find him. We did not know where the brothers were either. I had never seen Ray and Wendy look so unhappy. I do not think they knew what to do.
I did not know what to do either. I had not heard from Julio, I doubted that he had come up with a plan to get us across the border. He would not live with his mother if he was good at planning but I thought he had a good heart.
Ray and Wendy left, they said that they had to be somewhere so they took the van, that was the only car left. It was just me and Theo, it was hard, Theo could only speak English.
I was worried that if there was a car or bus or train to America I would miss it. I would miss my chance to get out of Libertad. It looked as if the children would be stuck there another night, another night would not be safe.
So I decided to find Julio. You must believe me, I did not abandon the children. I did it for them, to help them get to a better place.
I tried to tell Theo that I had to find Julio, I would come back if I could not find him. Theo did not say anything, he was too busy with the children, I left my clothes and jewelry at Reino de Dios to prove that I would come back.
It took a long time to walk down the hill to Julio’s family’s house. It was getting dark and it was still very hot, I was sweating. My feet were swollen, I had many blisters.
Julio’s sister said that he was not there, she said was he was at work even though it was a Sunday and that I should go there if I wanted to see him. It was a long walk, it was nearly dark. I prayed that I would make it, I prayed that I would get across the border that day.
Praise the saints it was not locked. There was no one there so I followed this sound to the back. There had to someone there, I prayed it was Julio.
It was Julio, he was working on a van that looked exactly like mine. I got closer and I saw that it was my van. It was off the ground and Julio was underneath it. I was tired and angry, I yelled at him ‘What are you doing to my van?’
He got up and looked happy to see me, he wanted to give me a hug but I hit him, I hit him in the chest. I had never hit anyone before. I thought Julio was a friend and he had done so many nice things for me but I was angry. My feet were burning and my stomach was twisted. I could not believe that he stole my home.
He said that he did not take the van, it was M.J. He swore that M.J. had brought it to him so that he and El could escape across the border. I did not believe him. I did not believe M.J. would ever do such a thing, he had helped the children, he worked in the kitchen, he had played music in church. There was no way that he would steal and abandon me.
I thought of Pastor David. Everyone in the church liked him, they thought he was a godly person too. He did terrible things, he took advantage of me. It is the people who appear closest to God that are in truth the farthest away.
I only stole because I was hungry. I had to do it to live. I would not steal someone’s home. I would not be so cruel.
I was upset, I demanded that he find a way to get me across the border. It was my van, Julio was there, my mind was set on getting across the border.
Julio said that he only found one way, it was to hide inside barrels of gasoline. He had the barrels and the gasoline, the gasoline would cover the smell so dogs could not find me. There would be air in the top so that I could breathe. He also found a fireman’s mask so that I could breathe.
I did not want to do it, I thought I would pass out and drown, it made me sick just thinking about it. I thought I could hear God, I thought I could hear Him saying that He would deliver me across the border that day. That could have been my selfish voice again.
I said okay. The barrels were already in the back, he put my van back down on its wheels and put the gasoline in the barrels with a pump. The smell made me feel light-headed, I was nervous there would not be enough room for the children.
He told me to get into one of the barrels but I said no, I would wait until we got up the hill and retrieved the children. Then we could make sure that there was enough room for all of them. He agreed, he was still nice to me even though he found a terrible solution to the problem. I should not have put my trust in him, I should have put my trust in the Lord.
I could not see outside, I was in the back and there were no other seats. The gasoline was spilling everywhere and hurting my nose and eyes. It made me feel sick, I did not want to put the children through this but I did not think we had any other choice. I knew there would be a better life at the other end of this.
Julio did not stop at the orphanage, we got the top of the hill and he turned around. I screamed at him to pick up the children, he said that he could not, it was too dangerous. I tried to stop him, I really did but he turned around and drove b
ack down the hill.
I saw this orange light, I did not know what it was. I think that is what scared Julio.
I asked about the children, I asked if he could see them and if they were okay. He did not say anything. That is when I knew that they were gone. Something had happened and I was not there to help.
It was like everyone ran away. The brothers, Pastor David, Wendy and Ray and then me. I was selfish, I was only thinking of myself and if I was the last to run away and if I would get caught.
I thought Theo was gone, I thought he was gone with the children. I knew they were gone forever.
I wanted to cry, Julio said to get into the barrels because it would be safer. I kept asking about the children, I was screaming but he said there was nothing I could do. I just thought of myself, I have been so selfish.
I took off my clothes and got into a barrel, it was cold. I could not help but cry, I was crying when Julio put the fireman mask on me. It was terrible, it was dark and my face was burning.
I tried to sleep. I think I was dreaming, I was in school and standing at my desk. The teacher was angry with me and all the other students were looking at me. I could not remember why, it could have been something that I had said or the way that I was dressed, I felt so ashamed.
I woke up and it was still dark. We were not moving, the gasoline was not moving. My lungs were burning. I thought I was going to die.
I do not want to die, I do not want to go to hell. I hit the top of the barrel, I prayed Julio could hear me. I tried to scream but nothing came out. I could not hear anything, I could not move my legs. My legs were numb and my insides hurt. I just kept hitting the top of the barrel, I had to get out.
It hurt to breathe. I just prayed that the Lord would not take me, I do not want to die, I prayed we would be delivered across the border soon, I thought I would not make it. I prayed for the Lord to forgive me.