by Anne Bennett
Pauline, sympathetic to Hannah’s plight now, would chide her and try and make her apologise, but she seldom succeeded. Angela knew who ruled the house, it was her daddy, her wonderful daddy, and he never cared what she said to her mommy. He hardly ever talked to her at all himself.
Every evening, she’d wait for his car to turn into the end of the road and she’d run shouting for Pauline or Josie to open the door for her. Arthur would catch her up in his arms at the door and swing her up on to his shoulders.
Hannah, watching them, used to feel a stab of envy. If only Angela had just once been so pleased to see her, but she didn’t seem to care if Hannah was in or out. Reluctantly, she would go out with Hannah now, but Hannah was always on edge. When she showed her up in the street, Hannah would grow hot with embarrassment. How could a grown woman let herself be controlled by a child only two and a half feet high?
Yet, they were all controlled. She only had to say she wanted something for Pauline, Josie or Arthur to rush to get it for her. ‘She’s seldom corrected and never punished,’ Hannah said to Gloria. ‘Pauline plays war about it, of course. She says to spare the rod is to spoil the child and I think if she had a free hand in rearing Angela, the child would be better for it. I get on better with her now and she does try to include me in things she is doing with Angela and she does tell her off, but Angela just says her daddy lets her say what she likes to me.
‘Arthur and Pauline had some heated words over it one day, until Arthur reminded her that she was employed by him and he made the rules. He virtually said if she didn’t like it, she knew what she could do.’
‘I’m surprised she stayed then.’
Hannah shrugged. ‘She loves the child,’ she said. ‘Everyone loves the child and she knows it; the only one she hates is me.’
‘Don’t be silly, Hannah!’ Gloria said. ‘She’s only two years old. They take fancies at this age.’
Hannah shook her head. ‘Believe me, Gloria. This is no passing fancy. She tolerates me on occasions, but on others pushes me away. It breaks my heart and yet I know I deserve it.’
‘Now what rubbish are you spouting?’
‘I’m an unlovable person,’ Hannah said. ‘Even my father couldn’t stand the sight of me. Mike might have stopped loving me had he lived. His parents that I supposedly got on so well with never gave me a thought. I mean, I know his father died, but his mother never wrote me so much as a scribe of a letter. Not then, not straight after the telegram, but anytime in those miserable months in the home she could have written to me. She knew I was carrying her grandchild because Mike wrote to tell her. It was part of Mike, for God’s sake. Maybe it was better to have little Michael adopted. At least he’d be part of a loving home and have a proper mother to love him.’
‘Hannah, this is rubbish!’
‘Is it? What about Arthur then?’ Hannah demanded. ‘He’s seldom given me a kind word, never mind a loving one. He told me I’d be a useless mother and I was. I couldn’t even love Angela. Maybe it’s justice that she can’t take to me now. It’s what I deserve.’
‘Oh for God’s sake, Hannah.’ But Gloria knew that Hannah’s feelings of inadequacy went deep, initiated first by the father who never sent her a Christmas or birthday card and wouldn’t even come over to give his daughter away at her wedding. Hannah seldom spoke of it, but Gloria knew it was there, lodged tight inside her, and now this rejection of Angela was the last straw.
The child was a madam, all right, and made worse by Arthur. She did adore him, but she understood many fathers doted on their daughters and vice-versa. If he’d have wanted her to, the child would have come to love Hannah, too, if only to please her father initially.
Angela was spoilt and because they’d never have any other children, she’d continue to be spoilt. It was one more child removed from Hannah, not physically perhaps, but removed none the less.
‘Of course we don’t see much of Angela or Arthur either on dry and bright weekends,’ Hannah went on, ‘because Arthur takes her out.’
‘Where do they go?’
‘All over,’ Hannah said. ‘I expect it depends on how much of the petrol ration he has left. He never tells me, but he often tells Pauline and I overhear. They’ve been to Sutton Park, Drayton Manor, Cannon Hill and the Lickey Hills.’
‘Goodness! Just the two of them?’
‘Mostly. He has taken Pauline the odd time.’
‘But not you?’
‘No, nor Josie,’ Hannah said. ‘Mind you, he’s softened a bit towards Josie now, because Angela likes her so much and so does Pauline.’
‘And what does Josie think of the situation? She was always so fond of you.’
‘She still is. She was frightened of me when I was changed that time you know, but now … I think she feels sorry for me. But still, she’s besotted by Angela. She loves little ones. She’d make a good nursery or infant teacher.’
‘Is that what she wants too?’
‘Josie is wise enough not to want what she can’t have,’ Hannah said. ‘Arthur wouldn’t let her sit the eleven-plus. He said we couldn’t afford the uniform and he wasn’t keeping her on at school past the age when she could be out working. To be honest, he had a point about the uniform. In fact,’ she went on, ‘I don’t know what we would have done if Siobhan hadn’t sent the confirmation dress for Josie. She must have told them how difficult it was to get things over here and all about clothing coupons when she wrote their cards at Christmas. I was out of it at that time and still not really myself when Josie made her confirmation in June.’
‘What will she do then when she leaves school?’
‘I’d like her to go to secretarial college somewhere,’ Hannah said. ‘But if Arthur kicks up a fuss, she’ll have to try for a job in Dunlop’s or similar where they send you to college a couple of days a week. I’m determined on finding her a decent job. She’s anything but stupid. Arthur won’t pay out a penny more than he has to on anything but Angela, and I have no money of my own.’
‘What about housekeeping?’
‘What about it?’ Hannah said. ‘Pauline sees to the house and has the housekeeping. Every penny he gives me has to be accounted for. I haven’t had my hair cut for ages, for example, nor had any new clothes and my shoes are near dropping off my feet. Yet, he has Angela dressed to the nines, especially now that clothes rationing has ended.
‘Mind you, he used to get hold of things before, too,’ Hannah said. ‘Elizabeth Banks let the cat out of the bag one day. They used to have these spivs touring the offices offering things on the black market. It was mainly ladies’ things, but I suppose some of the mothers asked about children’s wear. Anyway Elizabeth said it amused everyone no end, because Arthur was the only man seen poring over little dresses. And some of the stuff was lovely.’
‘Yes, and a lot cheaper than in the shops,’ Gloria replied. ‘They sometimes came around the doors here and I bought things a time or two. You really can’t blame people. The damned clothing coupons went on long enough.’
‘I don’t blame anyone,’ Hannah said. ‘I’d probably have bought things myself if I’d had any money to spend.’
‘It’s terrible you not having any money of your own,’ Gloria said. ‘Have you considered taking a job?’
‘Arthur wouldn’t allow it.’
‘Why wouldn’t he?’ Gloria said. ‘It wouldn’t affect him. Haven’t you that Pauline to see to things and look after the child? Maybe if Angela saw less of you, she might be glad to see you when you did come home.’
‘She wouldn’t care,’ Hannah said. ‘She doesn’t even seem to notice, but hanging about the house all day, waiting for a smile from my own child is no good either. I try so hard. I often think she senses it. But I’m sure Arthur wouldn’t agree to me taking a job.’
That same evening Arthur came home in a jubilant mood. This usually boded ill for Hannah, but she knew if Arthur needed to tell her anything, it never amounted to any sort of discussion between them and he would do so
in his own time.
He waited till they were alone, Angela and Josie in bed and Pauline out at the pictures, before he said, ‘Make a cup of tea, I need to talk to you about the child.’
Hannah made the tea and brought it in apprehensively, watching Arthur as he spread leaflets he’d drawn from his pocket out on the table before them. ‘I’ve decided on Angela’s school,’ he said.
‘School! The child’s only two years old.’
‘Three in November,’ Arthur reminded her, ‘and this place in Sutton Coldfield, Haselhurst’s, has a preparatory section. She will begin in January.’
Hannah picked up the leaflets and thumbed through them. There was the history of the school and the supposedly fine reputation it had. Another leaflet was full of pictures of the nursery department, classrooms throughout the school, the language and science laboratories and the gymnasium.
Yet another leaflet outlined a list of the uniform required. Hannah gazed at the little girl in the picture in her cream shirt and tie, topped with a green pleated pinafore and blazer, and a green velour hat on her head. The child was about five, but Angela was little more than a baby. It seemed all wrong to her.
‘She isn’t a baby,’ Arthur said, when Hannah voiced her concern. ‘And she is going to get a first-rate education.’
‘Will we need to keep Pauline on then if Angela goes to school?’
‘Of course we’ll keep Pauline on,’ Arthur snapped. ‘How do you suggest Angela gets there? Do you suggest we put her in a taxi by herself?’
‘I could take her.’
‘You still don’t get it, do you?’ Arthur said with a slight sneer. ‘You are still my wife, but Angela’s mother only because you gave birth to her. After that you wanted nothing to do with her. You made your choice.’
‘I was ill, Arthur, I couldn’t help it. The doctor explained it all to you.’
‘Ah yes, he explained it,’ Arthur said. ‘But you see, Angela hasn’t forgotten that. Be honest, Hannah, the child can’t stand you.’
‘You encourage her.’
‘I don’t, I don’t have to.’
‘Well, you don’t discourage her. She is allowed to behave towards me as she pleases.’
Hannah badly wanted to slap the supercilious smile from Arthur’s face, which stayed in place as he said, ‘But you must ask yourself why does she behave as she does? Pauline has no trouble, nor does Josie, and she is as good as gold for me. No, my dear, you must face it, as a mother you would win no medals.’
Hannah felt her face flame crimson with embarrassment and tears sprang to her eyes, but she brushed them away with her hand impatiently. This wasn’t the time to cry. ‘Arthur, there is no need for you to be so cruel.’
‘Cruel, my dear? The truth hurts, so they say. Honestly now, would Angela prefer you or Pauline to take her to school in the morning?’ Hannah knew who she’d prefer and it wouldn’t be her and that fact hurt. It hurt like hell.
‘Why do you treat me like this?’
‘Like what?’
‘Like … Oh, I don’t know,’ Hannah said. ‘As if I’m of no account. You seldom talk to me. I’m never given a penny piece for myself. I feel worthless.’
‘I told you I would treat you with respect in public and I hold to that,’ Arthur said. ‘Reg and Elizabeth think we’re a devoted couple. If you were to dispel that myth, you would jeopardise our entire future.’
‘Future! What future have I got with you?’
‘Better than you’d have without me,’ Arthur said. ‘You’d really be cast adrift then. You and Josie turned out. I doubt Josie would be in favour of cutting all contact with Angela, nor you either.’
‘She wouldn’t have to. Angela would come with me.’
‘I don’t think so,’ Arthur said. ‘For a start, as you commented earlier, Angela doesn’t like you and no court in the land would give custody to you when they hear how indifferent you were to her in the early months when she needed your care. You were also in an unstable emotional state, so bad, in fact, that I had to engage a nurse to ensure the baby was given adequate care – facts that can be verified by the medical staff at the nursing home.’
‘But …’
‘And then of course, you’d have no means of support,’ Arthur went on. ‘This house was gifted to me and I therefore couldn’t be forced to sell it. Why would they take a child from a fine house, when I have a job that pays enough to employ a nurse for the child and a private education, and give her to an unstable mother with no job or place to live? If you broke this marriage apart, Hannah, you’d never see Angela again.’
Hannah knew what Arthur was capable of and that he meant every word he said. ‘Is that whole vendetta just because I slept with my fiancé once before he sailed to France?’
‘This vendetta, as you call it, is because I was duped into marriage. Soiled goods is what I had.’
‘You were duped into marriage?’ Hannah echoed incredulously. ‘What about me? Look how you used to abuse me for your sexual inadequacies and yet Angela was conceived and to this day I don’t know how. You should never have married. To get aroused you have to be violent, I know that now. You say as a mother I’d get no medals, well as a lover you are worse than useless.’
Arthur was angry; she could feel the heat of his rage coming off him and she wondered for one moment if he would hit her. He didn’t, but pinched her chin between his fingers and said, ‘Say what you like, Hannah, I hold all the winning cards.’
As much as she wanted to, Hannah could say nothing, for she knew Arthur was right.
The following evening he pulled some notes from the wad in his wallet and threw them across the table. ‘You look a mess,’ he said. ‘Get something done with yourself, a new hairdo and something decent to wear, we’re going to the Banks’ for dinner on Friday.’
‘Hannah, you look exquisite,’ Elizabeth said. Hannah knew she did. She’d spent all the money Arthur had given her. Her hair had had a good cut, and the silk dress fitted where it touched, patterned in swirls of different shades of green from pastel to olive. Her handbag and shoes were of a darker green, like the soft mohair shawl she had around her shoulders.
Even Angela’s mouth had dropped open when she caught sight of her before she left. ‘Do you like it?’ she’d asked and Angela’s head had nodded slowly.
Josie gave Hannah a hug. ‘You look wonderful, amazing,’ she said. ‘Haven’t you got a pretty mommy, Angela?’
Angela nodded again and stroked the dress gently. Hannah lifted her into her arms and she didn’t kick or squirm or demand to get down and she submitted to the kiss Hannah planted on her plump, pink cheek. As Hannah let the child down, she felt tears behind her eyes. It was such a little thing to hold and kiss your own child, but one that, up until now, Angela had shown plainly she didn’t like, not from her. She knew if Arthur had been on her side, eventually Angela could be won over. But he was afraid that she might taint his darling daughter.
Arthur said nothing about her outfit until he was in the car and then he said, ‘You look very fine, Hannah.’
‘Thank you,’ Hannah said sarcastically. ‘I’ll pass muster then? You think it money well spent?’
Arthur didn’t answer Hannah’s question. Instead, he said, ‘Remember our conversation of a few days ago, my dear. We are to all intents and purposes a devoted couple once we are outside our own four walls.’
Hannah wasn’t such a good actress – or was it a liar – as Arthur was. She found it hard to throw off the feeling of resentment and unease Arthur evoked in her. This often wrong-footed her, making her seem surly and ungrateful in public.
But for the Banks she tried harder, knowing Arthur would have no hesitation in throwing her and Josie from the house if she should bring disgrace upon him. But it was difficult to act naturally when Arthur came up behind her, hearing Elizabeth’s comment. He slid an arm around her shoulders and pressed her to his side while he said, ‘I couldn’t agree with you more, Elizabeth. I consider myself a very fo
rtunate man.’
‘You are that,’ Reg said. ‘A regular sight for sore eyes is Hannah.’
After that, over dinner, the talk was all about Angela and the school Arthur had enrolled her in with her third birthday two months away.
Hannah contributed little to the conversation and it hadn’t gone unnoticed by Elizabeth. She waited until they were making coffee in the kitchen before she said, ‘Are you not happy about the school, Hannah? It does have a marvellous reputation.’
‘She’s still so little.’
‘They grow so quickly,’ Elizabeth said. ‘Before you know it, they’re grown up and it’s too late. From the little I’ve seen of Angela, she is a bright little spark. I’m sure she’ll benefit from such an education. She will only be in the nursery section as yet.’
Hannah still looked unsure and Elizabeth asked, ‘Have you seen the school yourself?’
‘No, only leaflets Arthur brought home.’
‘Oh, I think you should look around the place,’ Elizabeth said. ‘It will set your mind at rest, I’m sure. Let’s see, Monday afternoon would suit me very well. I could collect you and we could go together.’
‘It’s very kind of you …’
‘Not at all. It will be a nice run out and I don’t want you worrying. You needn’t, you know. I’ve seldom seen a father quite so besotted as Arthur and he’d do nothing detrimental for the child.’
‘Yes, I know,’ Hannah said, fighting to keep criticism from her voice as she continued. ‘He is exceptional in the amount of time he spends with her.’
‘I can imagine. And look at the lavish party he has planned for her third birthday. He’s organised that church hall and invited half the street and work colleagues with children and has a conjurer hired to entertain them. He is a man in a million.’
‘Yes,’ Hannah had to agree, though she’d known nothing about the details for the party until that minute.
She resolved to tell him nothing about her proposed visit to Haselhurst School, knowing he wouldn’t approve at all, and hoped Elizabeth wouldn’t let the cat out of the bag. But when they rejoined the men there was no chance, for they were talking about politics and the election planned the next year and whether a Labour or Conservative government would be better for business.