by Anne Bennett
And yet he loved Hannah, loved her so much that just to look at her caused him to catch his breath.
At least this way she could shillyshally no longer, he thought. He felt a thrill of excitement as he realised she’d be his and soon. Whatever was to come afterwards they would face together. It wasn’t the way they’d planned things, but then life didn’t always go to plan.
But his silence had been noted. ‘Aren’t you just the tiniest bit pleased?’ Hannah asked, her voice tentative, unsure and afraid.
‘Of course I’m pleased, darling,’ Vic said. ‘I am delighted but just stunned by the news.’ He left his seat and crossed to the other side of the table and put his arms around Hannah and held her tight.
‘I want this baby, Vic.’
‘Of course you want this baby,’ Vic said vehemently. ‘It will be the most loved and wanted baby in the whole world and I love you too with all my heart.’
Hannah was satisfied. As she smiled and pulled Vic towards her and kissed him long and hard, Vic knew that he’d go through any trial in the world if he was to gain Hannah at the end of it.
Chapter Twenty
Josie’s baby son, called Phillip after his father, was born at home in the early hours of a mid March day that definitely thought it was springtime.
Hannah, who’d been there most of the night, heard the dawn chorus join their chirping and whistling to Phillip’s cries and let a yawn escape her. And yet she didn’t regret being there to help Josie, only too aware that in six more months she’d be doing the selfsame thing. Soon, once Josie was on her feet, she’d explain it all to her, visit Angela at school before they broke up for the Easter holidays and tell her and then the way would be clear for her to leave Arthur.
But for now there was a new baby to love and Josie to make a fuss of. Phil thought his wife had done something absolutely splendid. Hannah saw the look of awe on his face as he held his small son and decided to go home. The midwife would do all that was necessary to make Josie and the baby comfortable. She was, she decided, superfluous and she guessed Josie and Phil really wanted to be alone where they could gaze on the child their love had produced till their hearts were content.
Hannah felt no contentment going home. Since the night Arthur had lashed out, the two had trod an uneasy line. They’d been polite when they’d had to speak, but that was all. Arthur hadn’t been sure that Hannah hadn’t left for good when she’d walked out and was surprised how little he’d cared. He’d certainly not expected to see her in the kitchen cooking his tea when he arrived home on Monday evening. ‘So, you’re back.’
As that was evident, Hannah made no reply. ‘Tantrum over now?’ Arthur taunted.
‘Tantrum nothing!’ Hannah cried. ‘I’ll not be treated like a punchball for you or anyone else either.’
‘That was regrettable,’ Arthur conceded and added, ‘but in a way, Hannah, you asked for it.’
‘I asked for nothing,’ Hannah spat out, ‘and the whole thing was just because you couldn’t get your greedy paws on Gloria’s money.’
‘Perhaps I had reason,’ Arthur said. ‘I am the man of the house, a fact you seem to have overlooked, and all money should come to me. I foolishly allowed you to keep your wages when you began that ridiculous job at the doctor’s. It’s given you ideas above your station.’
‘Arthur, stop being so bloody pompous!’
‘Oh, pompous is it to assume my rightful place as head of the household?’
‘Yes, it is. We’re no longer in the Victorian era. And what household? Me – that’s all. Angela is never here and you certainly do exactly as you want with her when she’s home.’
But Arthur had seen a change in Angela, a softening towards the mother he’d sought to teach her to ignore and scorn. As she grew up, he could imagine that she’d defer to her more and more, to ask her opinion, to talk to her. Her suggestion for her mother to travel to school to see her some weekends had shocked him to the core. She’d never made the suggestion again, but that in itself made it no easier.
Hannah, too, had noticed a difference in her daughter. She was a pre-adolescent and the pull between them was growing stronger, for all Arthur had tried to rip it asunder, and she rejoiced in it and hoped that she might be able to make Angela see why she couldn’t live with her father anymore.
But to live with him even temporarily, she had to make a stand. ‘I don’t care who you are, or what role you want to assume,’ she said heatedly. ‘You lift your hand to me again and I’ll go and not come back.’
It was on the tip of Arthur’s tongue to say, ‘Go then! See if I care.’
But what if Angela was to find out he’d virtually thrown Hannah out? And the damned woman now had a house to go to – and a better house than this one, he had to admit. What if Angela was to take sides with her mother? Even live with her in the holidays? No, he’d never tolerate that. The child was his. So he said to Hannah, ‘If you do not provoke me, it will not happen again.’
Hannah took such care not to provoke Arthur that she seldom spoke to him at all and though they’d never been lively conversationalists, the strained silence between them became very wearying. She was always glad when he’d taken himself off for the night and she could ring Vic. Just to hear his voice soothed her and they’d make arrangements to meet later and Hannah lived for those moments.
Visiting Josie and seeing her with young Phillip also helped Hannah. Josie was proving to be a natural mother and Phillip a placid, easy-going baby who slept and fed well. ‘I watched Pauline with Angela,’ Josie explained when Hannah praised her. ‘Practising on Angela has helped me a great deal.’
Hannah couldn’t help feeling a pang of guilt. Josie should have learnt things from me, she couldn’t help thinking. But she smiled at her, not wanting Josie to feel bad about what she’d said, and she silently fought a feeling of resentment towards Pauline that she’d not felt in years.
‘I sent Pauline a card to tell her about the baby,’ Josie said, ‘and she sent a lovely card back with a couple of matinée jackets and romper suits.’
‘That was kind of her,’ Hannah said. ‘I haven’t seen or heard from her since your wedding. I keep meaning to write, but I never get around to it.’
But in her heart of hearts, Hannah knew why she’d not contacted Pauline. Every waking moment now she thought of Vic and sometimes he even invaded her dreams and she didn’t know how she’d write to anyone without betraying herself, so she’d cut herself off from everyone for the time being. With Josie it was different. She was so besotted with her son that she didn’t notice the change in Hannah and Hannah so obviously adored Phillip. Holding him brought back the bittersweet memories of baby Michael, for because of the depression following her birth, she had few memories of Angela at the same age.
With Phillip, it was totally different. He looked nothing like Michael, with the black hair he’d inherited from his father and Josie’s deep brown eyes and snub nose and full mouth, but still to hold his small body close and rock him to sleep brought her immeasurable comfort. She longed for her own baby, though she was frightened of the birth, frightened she’d reject her baby as she did Angela. Vic said her fears were ridiculous. He said she’d have the best care in the world and he’d personally take on her welfare, but still she worried.
Soon, she thought, I’ll tell Arthur and once it is out in the open, that’s it and I’ll be able to confide in Josie. ‘When?’ Vic asked urgently. ‘This isn’t something you can just leave, Hannah.’
‘I know,’ Hannah said. ‘It’s just I can’t find the right moment. I mean, is there a right moment for hitting a man with that? I’m leaving you, oh and by the way, I’m having a child, not yours of course, but someone else’s?’
In the end, she decided to tell Josie first. Phillip was three weeks old and she watched him tugging at Josie’s breasts, his tiny hands kneading at her, and it brought that remembered ache to her own breasts. She wrapped her arms protectively around them and envied her niece.
> ‘Are you all right?’ Josie asked and misinterpreting the gesture added, ‘You’re not cold?’
‘Oh no, my goodness, no,’ Hannah assured Josie.
‘Then what?’ Josie said. ‘Something has been the matter with you for the past few days.’
Tell her, said a little voice hammering inside Hannah’s head. What does it matter if Josie knows? It might be better. She knows you inside out. She won’t judge.
‘You’re right,’ Hannah said suddenly. ‘There is something. I don’t know if you’ll be pleased or not. I’m pleased.’
‘What?’
‘I’m pregnant.’
‘Oh,’ Josie said awkwardly, remembering again the early years of Hannah’s marriage and the obscene words Arthur had flung at her and the one awful fight on her tenth birthday that had culminated in Angela and separate rooms. ‘I … I didn’t think you and Arthur … well, you know, I mean …’
‘It’s not Arthur’s baby, Josie.’
‘Not Arthur’s baby?’
‘No it’s Vic’s.’
‘Who the hell is Vic?’
‘The doctor, the one I work for.’
‘Oh! My God!’
‘It’s all right,’ Hannah assured Josie. ‘We love each other. I denied it for years because I was married, but it was there, smouldering under the surface. It came to a head the day I found out Gloria was dying. Vic found me in tears and comforted me and one thing led to another …’
‘Yes,’ Josie said sharply, ‘I don’t need the details.’
‘Don’t look like that, Josie, I didn’t intend for this to happen. You know I’ve never loved Arthur.’
‘But you married him,’ Josie replied and at the same time wondered what was the matter with her. Hadn’t she wanted Hannah to leave Arthur? Hadn’t she resented the way he spoke to her, treated her? Of course she had, so why was she acting such a prude now?
‘I’m sorry, Hannah,’ she said. ‘Tell me how it was.’
‘It wasn’t anything,’ Hannah said. ‘Not then at least. I told Vic it was wrong. He was wrong to press me. I was worse for agreeing. I knew we were sinful and though I continued to work there, nothing further happened till Christmas. I was left alone and I needed someone to be with me that day. I weakened and phoned him.’ She gave a slight shrug. ‘Now I’m pregnant.’
‘What will you do?’
‘Tell Arthur and move out,’ Hannah said.
‘Rather you than me,’ Josie said. ‘He’ll go up the wall.’
‘He doesn’t think that much of me.’
‘Not you perhaps, but respectability,’ Josie said. ‘Would you like me to come with you when you tell him?’
‘No,’ Hannah reassured her. ‘Don’t worry, Vic will be with me. I’ll be fine.’
In the end telling Arthur about her affair with Vic didn’t turn out the way that Hannah had visualised it. She still hadn’t broached the subject with him by the time the Easter holidays began and because she hadn’t told him, she knew there was no way she could prepare Angela. Explaining things now would have to wait until she went back to school.
But then Angela wrote to them both just before school broke up asking if she could spend the bulk of the holidays with the friend she’d stayed with over the New Year.
She says I’m a natural rider and I can have Gamble the pony like last time and this time we can try little jumps and …
Hannah, though she would miss Angela, could see the child’s point of view. There was little to offer her at home and things between her and Arthur were worse than ever. Arthur, however, did not see things the way Hannah did. He threw down the letter in disgust. ‘She’s coming home,’ he declared. ‘And there’ll be less of this “staying with friends” nonsense from now on that you encouraged her in last time.’
‘She needs company of her own age,’ Hannah said in an effort to explain. ‘She has it all the time at school and then in the holidays she is often bored. She won’t invite friends here, you know that, and the children in this area she barely knows anymore.’
‘She has no need to be bored. I will take a week’s holiday added to my Easter entitlement and take her out and about. As for the rest of the holiday, well, if she enjoys riding and wants to ride, then she shall. There are riding stables in Sutton Coldfield, I’ll ring up a few today.’
So Angela came home, disgruntled and surly, unused to not getting her own way. She had reacted badly to the letter her father had sent, so certain had she been of his assent that she and Hillary had planned their time together. As well as riding, Hillary’s father had promised them a trip out in his yacht, which he’d teach them to sail properly. Then there were picnics planned for fine days and Hillary’s two brothers would be home from school too and they were going to build a tree-house in the large oak tree in the little wood that began at the end of the lawns to the rear of the house.
How could Harrison Road, Erdington, even with riding lessons, compare with that? She told nothing of her holiday plans to her father though, as she barely spoke to him at all that first night and answered any questions he asked in monosyllables.
Arthur was irritated and took it out on Hannah, complaining about everything she did. Hannah did not retaliate, not wishing Angela to witness an ugly scene between her and Arthur. In fact, so annoyed was Arthur that he went out after he’d eaten. Barely had the door closed on her father, when Angela said to Hannah. ‘Isn’t Daddy unfair? It’s me he’s angry with, but he took it out on you.’
Hannah chose her words with care. She knew their relationship had hit rocky ground, but knew Angela was the one person in the world Arthur loved. She was going to leave him soon and had no wish to alienate Angela from her father. ‘It’s natural to do that,’ she said. ‘Perhaps you’ve done it yourself at school. Maybe a teacher does something to annoy you and you take out your bad temper on a friend.’
Angela could indeed remember incidents when this had happened, but instead of citing them, she asked, ‘Why are you so nice about Daddy? He never says nice things about you.’
That shook Hannah, not that Arthur said things about her, but that Angela should speak of it so bluntly. ‘Oh, that falls off me like water off a duck’s back,’ she said, forcing a light note into her voice. ‘Your father loves you very much, you know. He wanted you home because he misses you.’
‘Misses me? He sees me every week. I never see you, except holidays. Why don’t you come sometimes?’
‘Your father doesn’t wish me to.’
‘Why not?’
‘He wants you to himself.’
‘That’s selfish.’
‘Oh, Angela, people do perplexing things sometimes,’ Hannah said. ‘I’ll explain more when you’re older.’
‘I’m nearly twelve now.’
‘You are not!’ Hannah contradicted. ‘You are eleven and a half, that’s all.’
‘Well, it’s not far off twelve.’
‘Far enough,’ Hannah said. ‘Now what do you say to us having a cup of tea and you can tell me what your friend and her family had in line for you and we’ll plan our own holiday. How’s that?’
Angela’s face lit up. ‘Okay, Mommy,’ she said and added, ‘I really do miss you, you know. You will come to my confirmation in June, won’t you? All the other parents will be there.’
By then, I’ll have left Arthur, Hannah thought, and he’ll have no right to forbid me to go anywhere, although I’ll be much bigger by then. I’ll have to find a coat or something to try and hide my shape for I mustn’t embarrass Angela on my first visit. But none of these concerns did she show to Angela. She smiled and gave her a hug. ‘Of course I will, darling. You try and keep me away.’
‘Promise you’ll come.’
‘I promise.’
Angela’s holiday, as far as Arthur was concerned, was not a success. He took her to a hotel on the North Wales coast for a few days, but the weather was blustery and cold, and most days it rained. Angela complained to Hannah that the hotel was full of old people
and that it was worse than being at home.
In contrast, Angela enjoyed her time with Hannah and was pleased to see Josie again and enchanted with baby Phillip. Arthur was not slow to see the strong bond blossoming between Angela and Hannah and it both worried and infuriated him. Now, when he tried to do something to discredit Hannah or cause her to be an object of scorn, Angela would say that he was unkind and she didn’t want to hear him say things like that.
God, when this holiday was over, he’d have something to say about the whole thing! He’d tell Hannah to back out of Angela’s life. Angela left in a flurry of hugs for Hannah and genuine tears of regret about leaving her. Arthur tackled Hannah about stealing Angela’s love that same evening when he returned home from delivering her to school.
‘You can’t steal a person’s love, Arthur,’ Hannah said unabashed. ‘Angela is growing into a young woman. You could control the child, but it becomes harder as they grow and form their own opinions. It’s natural too for a girl of Angela’s age to be closer to her mother.’
But the link between them was fragile, both were feeling their way and for that reason, she didn’t want to upset her before the confirmation. ‘But she’ll know. You’ll be much larger by then,’ Vic said when Hannah told him.
‘If she notices it at all, she’ll just think I’ve put weight on,’ Hannah said.
‘Look, Hannah, I’m tired of waiting,’ Vic said. ‘We’ll tell Arthur together and soon. I want you to visit my parents next weekend.’
‘All right,’ Hannah said with a sigh. She knew Vic was right. It was becoming harder and harder for her to leave him too. She longed to be with him all the time. ‘We’ll see him Friday night.’