by Anne Bennett
Hannah remembered Marian’s words earlier that day and her heart ached for her son and she said, ‘Your father would have loved you, Matthew. He was a fine man and you can be proud that you are his son and I’ll tell you all you want to know.’
And so she did. Now and again, she would get up to shake more coal on to the fire and once Vic brought in a tray of coffee and biscuits and Matthew was encouraged to help himself from the whisky decanter and still Hannah talked, answering any questions Matthew asked her as well as she could.
Matthew realised when he eventually took his leave that his birth mother was a wonderful woman too. She had not been loose-living or fast and had his father survived the war, he would have grown up with them as his parents. But then he wouldn’t have known Marian Olaffson and although she hadn’t given birth to him, he knew she loved him as much as if she had.
How tangled his emotions were! He felt as if he’d been put through the mangle. And he knew he had yet to see Angela and as soon as possible. He couldn’t just avoid her forever. That was the coward’s way out and now he knew he was Mike Murphy’s son, he couldn’t ever allow himself to stand accused of cowardice.
Angela didn’t come to see her mother but the following morning, fully recovered from her faint, she phoned, spewing out her vitriolic rage and disgust at the mother she claimed had ruined her life. Hannah was shaken by the venom in Angela’s voice and shocked by the language she used. She could not reason with her, although she tried. Angela was only interested in having her say and when she shouted at her mother that she never in all her life wanted to see her again, she eventually reduced Hannah to tears.
She was glad Matthew was mature enough to hold no one responsible and considerate enough to see that other people’s lives were affected and not just his. He came to see Hannah again and invited the family to Christmas dinner at their house. Marian insisted, he said, and Mrs Foley would be in her element cooking for a large number and especially having children in the house on Christmas Day. So Vic and Hannah did as Marian wished and Hannah watched Marian move everything around her plate and the pain-filled, laboured way she moved and felt great sympathy.
She also couldn’t help but be impressed by the brave way Marian faced her imminent death. From the beginning, she’d never felt sorry for herself, only anxiety for Matthew, and she knew she was a truly selfless woman.
She was glad that if her son had to be reared anywhere away from her, it was Marian who had a hand in his rearing. Her attitude contrasted sharply with Vic’s parents who visited them on Boxing Day. She’d discussed the issue with Vic and they decided they had to be told about the existence of Matthew now, before they heard it from someone else.
There might have been an element of sympathy in Vic’s sisters but it was quickly crushed by Flo Humphries, who behaved as if Hannah had done the whole thing on purpose in order to disgrace them. The very thought of it, she said, sickened her. In fact, it was making her feel quite ill and she was sure it would bring on one of her headaches. Hannah felt the woman was milking the situation for all it was worth and was surprised she hadn’t sent one of her daughters running for the smelling salts to prevent an attack of the vapours.
She was glad when the day was over and as she snuggled up to Vic that night she said, ‘Your parents think you had a bad deal with me. Unmarried mother, who also abandons her second child, to hook the affluent doctor, who risks ruining his career for her sake.’
‘Oh God, Hannah, it was hardly like that. Anyway, I wasn’t so affluent.’
‘Yes, but you might have been if you hadn’t married me.’
‘Hannah, will you stop thinking every damned thing that happens is your fault? Who cares what my parents think anyway? They’re only in this century by accident.’
Hannah knew though that what Vic’s mother thought would be echoed by many more when Matthew Olaffson’s relationship with her became common knowledge. But no way would she deny him, not again. In fact she’d be proud to claim him as her son and all those who didn’t like it could go to Hell.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Angela felt that life really wasn’t worth living. Brought up as a pampered, indulged girl, she was ill-equipped to deal with disappointment and disillusionment. She couldn’t remember a time before when she’d desired something and it had been denied her. But she was denied Matthew all right and it was all her mother’s fault. Matthew had come around and talked with her and even Angela had to admit he’d been nice about it. Maybe, he’d said, in time they could be friends, particularly as they were half-brother and -sister.
The point was, Angela wasn’t used to looking at Matthew in a sisterly way, but she thanked God now that they hadn’t become lovers. Dear God, the thought of that made her feel sick.
But with Matthew gone from her life, she was completely friendless. She had no desire to go back to Hillary’s set and have them all sniggering at her for falling for her big brother and she knew they’d all know, because Ralph would tell them.
Even if she’d wanted to go, though, she doubted her dad would allow it. Since the outburst in front of the priest, he’d been different with her. He always wanted to know where she was going and who with and would give her a time to be in. She never went far and never anywhere very exciting, just hanging around the shops, or going to the cinema.
She was so achingly lonely that one Saturday morning in February, she made her way to Josie’s flat. She wouldn’t lower herself to visit her mother anymore, and anyway, from what she’d understood from Matthew, he was a fairly regular visitor there. So, even though she considered Josie almost as guilty as her mother for she could bet she knew all about Hannah having a baby before she was married who turned out to be Matthew Olaffson, she couldn’t stand her own company a minute longer.
Josie did know of course and said so. ‘So why didn’t you tell me?’ Angela demanded.
‘Well, first of all, it wasn’t my tale to tell, was it?’ Josie said, calm in the face of Angela’s evident anger and hurt. ‘And secondly, I think Hannah hoped you’d never have to know.’
‘Yeah, well that went a bit wrong, don’t you think?’
‘Okay. But you got to admit it was one massive coincidence to meet Matthew Olaffson like that.’
‘And if I hadn’t, I’d never have known?’
‘Maybe not. It hasn’t made your life any better now, has it? And in your hands the knowledge would only have been one more stick to beat Hannah with.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Come on, Angela, you’re not daft. Hannah’s been pushed out of your life from the day you were born …’
‘Daddy said she didn’t want me.’
‘Then your Dad is a big fat liar,’ Josie said hotly. ‘Right, young lady, you want to know the truth about how it was for Hannah, I’ll tell you. For a start your hallowed father is not too hot in the sexual department and I know you’re no innocent, so you’ll know what I’m talking about. He has to get violent before he can do anything and from the day you were conceived, when he discovered Hannah wasn’t a virgin, he never slept with her again. He used to call her a whore and a harlot and far, far worse. I used to hear him and he said she would have nothing to do with his child, he wouldn’t allow her to be near you to taint your life. He meant it, but Hannah couldn’t really believe anyone could be vindictive enough to try and separate a mother and her child.
‘Hannah had to give her first child away, so she longed for your birth. But she had a bad time and had to have an operation when you were born, so she couldn’t see you for a while and when she could … There’s an illness, a depression some women have after they give birth. The know more about it now, but seventeen years ago they didn’t.’
‘I know,’ Angela said sullenly. ‘She told me.’
‘Yes well, that’s what happened,’ Josie said. ‘And did she tell you your father kept telling her what a useless mother she was and that she believed him because she couldn’t care for you, or feel anything for you? He
engaged Pauline Lawson, not to help Hannah, though she needed help at that time, but to stop Hannah having much influence over you. That’s the reason you went to nursery school so young and away to board when you were just seven.’
‘Why did she let him do it?’ Angela said. ‘I wouldn’t have. Some girls at school didn’t think I had a mother.’
‘It’s not as easy as that,’ Josie said. ‘If someone tells you you’re useless and a bad mother, a bad woman, often enough you believe it, especially if no one is able to tell you different. You were brought up as a spoiled brat and even as a child you’d take the pattern from your father to goad and hurt Hannah. It was only when Hannah met Vic that she gained a few grains of self-respect.’
‘Yeah? Well she didn’t have to go and marry him and leave me behind.’
‘She had to leave, because she couldn’t stand life with your father any longer.’
‘But what about me?’ Angela cried. ‘She promised to come to my confirmation, promised faithfully. She never even sent me birthday cards. It was as if I didn’t exist any more, like Daddy said. I wrote her letters and she never even replied. She said she never got them.’ Angela shrugged. ‘I don’t know whether she was lying or not.’
‘She didn’t get any letters from you,’ Josie said. ‘I know that for a fact. I’m guessing here, but I bet the nuns had orders from your father. The same orders that said neither Hannah nor I were allowed to contact you in any way.’
‘She told me about that too,’ Angela said. ‘About Daddy reporting Vic or something. Is that true?’
‘I’m afraid it is,’ Josie said. ‘Your father loved you. If he ever loved anyone in the world it was you. He was, if we’re absolutely truthful, fanatical about you, and he was becoming jealous of the way you were beginning to turn to your mother. It wasn’t how he’d planned things. He wanted you all to himself. In a way, Hannah played right into his hands.’
‘Yeah, well he’s worse now,’ Angela said. ‘He doesn’t know what to do with me, see, and he definitely thinks I’ve inherited my mother’s bad blood.’
‘There was no bad blood in Hannah,’ Josie said. ‘She never behaved as you did for a start.’
‘How do you know what I did?’
‘I know enough,’ Josie said. ‘You almost boasted to Hannah that you were virtually expelled from two schools. You wouldn’t say why, but I bet it wasn’t for nothing.’
‘Yeah, well it was Daddy’s fault,’ Angela said petulantly. ‘The convent was bad enough, but that place in Hastings was just like a bleeding prison. Do this! Do that! All the sodding day long.’
‘Really! How awful!’ Josie said sarcastically. ‘I bet they liked your choice of language too. Remember, you wouldn’t have been sent there if you’d behaved yourself at the convent and if you don’t mend your ways, you’ll end up in a heap of trouble and it will be no one’s fault but your own.’
‘You don’t understand,’ Angela cried. ‘No one does. Daddy sent me to a really posh school and nearly everyone there lived in mansions. They were wealthy, had servants, swimming pools and ponies of their own. How could I be friends with them and invite them home to my poxy house in a poxy street? Even before Mom left it was impossible. And she was an embarrassment too, working in the doctor’s surgery. I mean as if she needed the money.’
‘She did, you bloody little fool,’ Josie cried angrily. ‘She was never given any money unless it was at your father’s discretion, because they were invited somewhere special, like the Banks’ for dinner. Even then, every receipt had to be scrutinised by him and any change returned. That was Hannah’s life, Angela. You had whatever you desired with a click of your elegant little fingers.’
‘That wasn’t my fault.’
‘No, of course it wasn’t,’ Josie said scornfully. ‘None of it was your fault. It was Hannah’s, your friends at school’s, the house you lived in. Grow up, Angela, for God’s sake! If you couldn’t bring yourself to tell your friends at school where and how you lived then I’m sorry for you. True friends wouldn’t care. But there’s no reason on God’s earth why you didn’t take advantage of the first-rate education the school provided. Many girls would have given their eyeteeth for your advantages and you threw it all away.’
‘I was upset after Mom left. You don’t know how much I missed her.’
‘I’ll grant you that you might have been upset,’ Josie said. ‘And it was cruel of Arthur to forbid contact. But, for all that, you never bothered with Hannah much before. Your father always came first with you. Sometimes you scarcely had a kind word to say to her.’
‘Well, I did miss her,’ Angela shouted at Josie. ‘You can think what you like, but I did. And then Daddy came up at weekends and every week, he’d go on about Mommy’s bad blood and how he hoped I hadn’t inherited it. It made me want to show him so I played up all the time. I was pissed off by the whole place by then anyway and so was Hillary. I was bloody glad they told Daddy to come and get me before they threw me out. He came up all apologetic and thought I should be hanging my head in shame or something, but me and Hillary just thought it was one big laugh.
‘I couldn’t believe it when Daddy sent me somewhere else. And it was bloody well worse than the sodding convent. I wanted to get myself expelled and I misbehaved even more. They kept writing to Daddy, but never talked of getting rid of me. Instead, I got all my privileges stopped and I was kept in isolation for a bit and in detention loads of times. I also had lines at least twice a week and even had my pocket money confiscated more than once. I’d palled up with this girl who was as pissed off as me and one night, she suggested creeping out after lights out and going into town for a bit of fun. I thought, “Why not?” Not much fun to be had in that dump, I can tell you.
‘It was great too, till we got back to school and had a reception committee waiting for us. Normally, I suppose I would have been a bit scared and nervous, but that night, we’d met some fellows in a pub. They took us into this club and bought us anything we wanted to drink. They wanted something else too, but we weren’t daft. We climbed out of the window of the ladies’ while they were buying the last round before the place shut and hightailed it back to school. But by then, of course, it was light. We must have been in the club hours.
‘We were still pretty squiffy and when the teachers started on us, we really laid into them. I’d already been in big trouble for constantly breaking every rule in the book and that was the last straw.’
‘Well,’ Josie said. ‘I imagine your father imagines his predictions have come true. That should be gratifying for him.’
‘What do you know about anything anyway?’ Angela snapped mutinously. ‘Don’t be so bloody sneering.’
‘Well, don’t be such an idiot yourself,’ Josie snapped. ‘And what d’you intend to do with yourself now?’
‘In what way?’
‘In the way of a job, Angela,’ Josie said. ‘You know, the things that most ordinary mortals have to do to keep from starving while they keep a roof over their heads?’
‘Why are you so nasty to me?’
‘Because you’re still a spoiled brat,’ Josie said. ‘If you’d used just half the brain you were born with, you’d have seen that if you wanted to be really free of your father, you should have worked for qualifications to get you to university – a place very few ordinary kids can afford to go to – as I know. We have a fair few of them here who just come for a good feed and a bit of warmth. But you could have gone easily and comfortably and at the end of it all, you’d have a degree and the chance of a good job, with a decent salary. You would be totally independent.
‘That would have shown your father that he’d brought up an industrious and intelligent child, who was also blessed with a measure of commonsense, and you’d have gained respect for yourself. I suppose,’ she added, ‘you do intend working for a living? You’re not surely intending to live off Arthur until you ride off into the sunset with your knight in shining armour?’
‘Of course I’ll get
a job,’ Angela said. ‘Stop being so bloody patronising all the time.’
But in reality, Angela had not thought about a job until Josie had spoken. None of Hillary’s set seemed to have a job and none seemed to worry about it. Now, though, a job seemed a far pleasanter prospect than hanging around the house day after day, but she hadn’t a clue where to start. She’d managed to get herself expelled without taking her O levels. Not that she imagined for a minute she would have passed them; she’d done little work, either in the class, or out of it. Now here she was, seventeen and without a qualification to her name, despite the years of private education under her belt. Probably, she thought, not even Woolworth’s would employ me.
‘Come on,’ Josie broke in briskly. ‘Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Spare a thought for Hannah who has seemed to wait all her life for a kind word from you.’
‘You can’t expect me to forgive her for this?’ Angela said incredulously.
‘Why not? It was hardly her fault that you and Matthew were to meet. That was never her intention.’
‘She was unmarried and had a baby.’
‘So what? She was just one of many. She was unlucky that was all,’ Josie said. ‘You weren’t here during the war and neither was I, but I’ve heard people talking about it. It was a different sort of life, lived as if any minute might be your last, as indeed it might have been. Don’t you see then that every hour was precious to you? Can’t you see that in that sort of atmosphere, when two people in love have only twenty-four or forty-eight hours together in God alone knows how many months – years – their feelings might get the better of them?’
Oh yes, Angela could. She wasn’t going to say so though and so she tried another tack. ‘She still abandoned her baby and then years later left my father and me behind. Excuse that if you can.’
Josie looked at her cousin and couldn’t believe what she’d heard her say. She’d said nothing about Hannah’s plight, had no vestige of understanding. With her, it was self, self, self. Still, she thought, not to be wondered at after the upbringing she has had.