by Maggie Lee
If I go, no one has to stay behind with me, they can both go make June feel better. Slowly as I back up, I disappear into the crowd and find my way to the carnival. I still have a little cash. Might as well get tickets and ride a few rides on my own. Although, I’ll need to keep a little cash out for a taxi ride back in case the car leaves me.
“I’ll take three ride tokens please.” I give the elder lady at the ticket booth the correct cash and wander about picking what three rides I want to go on.
I pass a few spinny rides that look like you need a partner for and end up picking a ride with singular swings. Kids run all around excitedly climbing in and out of swings before the rides controller comes around securing seatbelts.
Before I know it, the ride is moving and I’m in the air twirling in a giant circle. Everything passes in a blur, just like my life has lately and I can’t hold down the emotions I feel. Tears prick at my eyes and I let them roll down my cheeks. This could be the last bit of freedom I have for a while, once I arrive home behind everyone else and alone, my father will lose it.
Involuntarily, I shudder, knowing what kind of punishment I will receive. Even if Kraus has promised to get me out from under him, there is nothing he can do to save me from causing my own destruction. I’ve made this mess.
I wipe my tears as the ride comes to a stop and have a fight with my seatbelt. My panic and emotions take hold of me and I start frantically pulling at the bar across my lap, to my dismay, I can’t get it undone and I need out. Now.
The rides control workers jogs over to me and places his hands on mine, his face looks sympathetic when he notices the tears that are once again spilling from my eyes.
“I’ll get you out, calm down,” he says gently.
With practiced hands he opens the lock and pulls the bar up so I can slide out, I jump from the swing and rush towards the gated exit. I’m stopped when the man who just helped me out of my seat blocks my path, “Are you alright?”
He takes a step closer and places a hand on my shoulder and the contact makes me flinch.
“Take your fucking hand off of her.” Arden’s booming voice sounds and I see him hop over the gate blocking people from getting near the ride while it’s on.
“Woah, I was just checking why—” The man never gets a chance to finish his statement because Arden cuts between us knocking his hand away.
Arden puts an arm around my waist and escorts me through the exit gate, but once we’re out of the ride, I move along of my own accord.
“Where are you going now? I already had to rescue you from one stranger.” He tries to block me, but I cut around him and enter another gate for a ride, handing my token to the ticket receiver at the gate. He stops Arden from entering and I continue on my own way to ride the large Ferris wheel.
“Are you seriously going to leave me out here?” Arden’s voice carries behind me and I begrudgingly turn around and give my last token to the man guarding the gate. “You know I could have forcefully moved him out of my way.”
“Why didn’t you?” I ask over my shoulder with little to no enthusiasm as I walk to the back of the line waiting to get on.
“There is a list of reasons, which clearly you can’t see. Why are you making everything harder?” I ignore his question as I pick which cart I want and wait for it to come down for me to board.
As the cart descends, the couple on it climb off looking happy. Blissfully happy. I almost don’t want to ruin the good karma this cart must have.
“You haven’t answered me, and we cannot get on this death trap.” Arden uses his deep and gruff voice, but I don’t care about what he commands right now. I’m getting on.
“Then don’t get on. I’m sure June is ready to leave, she was when I walked away from all of this over twenty minutes ago.” Another carnival worker goes to help me on, but Arden steps in his path and lifts me onto the cart. Which he didn’t have to do, but I slide over happily knowing he is going to get on behind me.
We sit side by side, in silence, until the ride begins moving, allowing the next couple to board their cart.
“You could have gotten yourself killed, walking away like that. Why aren’t you thinking? This is bigger than all of us and you aren’t seeing everything.” I scoot the little distance I can from him. I don’t enjoy being spoken down to. Even if I’m thrilled that he’s talking to me at all right now.
“I’m seeing enough, if all you’re going to do is yell at me like I’m some petulant youngling, then I will kick you off of my cart. I won’t even wait until we’re at the bottom.” My comment is serious, but yet he laughs at me. Which only fuels my anger.
I let out a frustrated growl and he laughs harder, which prompts me to make bad decisions. I pull myself into a standing position in the cart and Arden’s hands go around my waist to keep me upright. I let him keep me steady, so I don’t fall over the side of the cart when it sways with my sudden movement.
“What are you doing, this cart isn’t for standing. Sit back down.” His voice is commanding, and I feel the tug on my waist to pull me back down.
I smack his hands and then grab them, effectively pulling them off of me. I’m fine how I am. We aren’t even moving.
His hand grabs my right wrist and I look back to see him inspecting my new bracelet. I never remembered to give June hers. Guess Kraus can do that later if he still has the bag.
“Where did you get this?” Arden asks me, his tone not getting any gentler than before.
“Why does that matter?” I jerk my hand from his grip. The sudden movement causes the cart to move and I fall forward bracing myself against the edge of the cart. The view of the ground sends my heart in a spiral of panic.
Arden’s arms are around me, pulling me back into a sitting position sideways across his lap, so he can hold me in place. My instincts tell me to stay still, as years of wiggling from my father’s grip has caused me enough pain to know it’s not the right reaction. When he doesn’t release after a minute or so, I make the split decision to push against his hold, but his grip is strong and steady.
“Enough. I’ll put you back in your seat if you stop trying to get yourself killed.” His words are just above a whisper and I feel the breath on my ear. As bad as I want to turn and kiss the lips breathing on me, I don’t. Not after he spent the previous night with my sister.
“Fine.” He drops his forehead to rest against my shoulder for a moment before finally sliding me over to sit on the bench beside him.
We ride in silence as the Ferris wheel takes us in six roundabouts. We’re both in a defeated state, there isn’t a way to win, and if I’m right, he feels how I feel right now. Even if he is going to move forward with my sister, he still wants me. Or he wouldn’t be on this Ferris wheel.
The ride stops and people start to get off, each cart seems to take years to load. When we are the next cart to get off, Arden finally speaks, “You have to stop acting out in jealousy. You are going to get yourself or someone else hurt.”
I huff at him, calling me jealous. He can’t even begin to understand. “You have no idea what I’m feeling. Why are you here, why didn’t Kraus come and get me?”
“I’m here because as soon as I noticed you were gone, that’s all I could think about. I left him to go find June.” My heart soars, but I don’t know what I can do with it. So he cared for a second. It doesn’t change anything, not if he’s still going to choose my sister and the crown.
“Maybe you should have stayed with June, you did last night.” Our cart comes to a stop and the door opens. I don’t wait for an answer from him before hopping out and making my way through the crowds. The volume of people have doubled since the carnival started and the sun has finally gone all the way down. As I start to follow the path that leads away from the clearing and back into the park, the lighting is nonexistent. Luckily people are all along the way with lanterns, but my lack of visibility slows me down and Arden catches up.
I hear him speaking, but the pounding of my heart beat
in my ears makes it impossible to make out a single word he’s saying. I take a detour once we’re in the park, hoping to lose him or at least put some distance, but it does no good as I find June and Kraus animatedly arguing outside of one of our cars.
I make my way towards the car they aren’t fighting in front of, but Arden stops me and turns me around to face him. People around us are watching the commotion and a few have pulled out cameras.
“Enough!” I yell and everyone freezes. I’m done with it and it’s time to go home. “Kraus, get in this car and Arden you’re riding with June. Time to go.”
Stunned, everyone stays stock still watching, hearing my command, but unsure what to do.
“Now,” I command in my hardest tone.
Everyone is in motion, quickly we’re in our respective cars and moving down the road.
“You asked before, what changed? I did. I changed. I met him, and I don’t know what it is, but for the first time in my life I didn’t question what my father had laid out for me. Arden made it make sense, and now? Everything is gone. So I’ve changed.”
Kraus gives me an empathetic nod and we both ride home together in a comfortable heartbroken silence.
I don’t wait for Alexis or anyone to help me through the house and prepare me for bed. I draw my own bath and go to sleep with wet hair and a sad soul.
Chapter 17.
The next morning I pass on breakfast and get to school early, the time alone in the classroom leaves me in my thoughts and I manage to put myself in an even worse mood. Luckily, the day passes without my head exploding, but my heart isn’t in it. I spend the evening in the garden until I’m forced to endure a family dinner. We eat in an almost silence and when I look to June for some kind of solace, I’m reminded of the wedge between us.
One single handedly placed by my father handing around boys and crowns like candy. He’s pit us against each other, just like he’s tried to do to us with Teijan. His control has always been a part of our lives, and until this point I excused it because he is king. That title doesn’t make him right.
Sadly, and much to my dismay, the rest of the week passes the same way as the first day. I spend most of my time alone and in a horrible mood, only interrupted by maidens and Kraus when he visits for dinner one night. While happy to have someone friendly around, it made dinner that much worse. June wouldn’t even look in our direction, let alone speak to either of us when spoken to.
“If you’ll excuse Mackenzie and me, I would like to take her on an evening walk before she retires for the night,” Kraus asks, or really, tells my father that we are leaving dinner.
My father is too busy speaking to another set of generals that he only gives a brief nod before returning to his conversation. He hasn’t given me much attention since I was excused from his study and for that I am thankful.
I take Kraus’s arm and we do in fact just go for a walk. As soon as we are out of view I release him and take back my personal space. Our comradery has come easy, and I’m truly thankful he’s around.
“Thank you for coming, I didn’t know you were going to be here tonight.” We pass through the gardens slowly, with a chorus of crickets as our soundtrack.
“I wasn’t going to come, but honestly I hate how everything was left the other night. Arden and I, we’ve been friends for a very long time. He’s the one who actually brought me into the military. So I have him to hate and thank, because that’s the only reason I met June in the first place. This isn’t what he wants either, and seeing us two together is affecting him as much as seeing them together is getting to us. Unfortunately, I can’t risk telling them that we aren’t really a thing until you are already out of here.”
“You’re risking your friendship with him for me?” I ask him, astonished at this. Kraus really is the good guy that I feel he is. This is a completely unselfish act. He could leave me, I’m not his problem.
“Arden may have been Ashamed before, but my life as a Mesial wasn’t any better than his. We were more like brothers growing up. He had a loving family who had nothing, I had some things, but most of all a family with no love.”
“Oh.” I’m stunned.
“My father was an angry man, and I’ve sensed the tendencies yours has. The father June told me about is not the same one with you.”
Kings are free to do as they please though. There is nothing I can do but hope to be free of him one day. While I am starting to see that he’s the wrong one and it isn’t me, that doesn’t change much.
I think over how to tell him he doesn’t have to help me, that I’ll be fine on my own, but I can’t get the words to come out. I truly was hoping that it would be someone else to save me, but that isn’t an option now.
“Arden told me of what he saw with your father. I wouldn’t have been watching for it all if not. He had a plan to remove you from the situation, but I’m not sure I’m alright with depending on him right now.” His head hangs low and we pause our walk. The gardens aren’t the loveliest sight right now, the cold of this month has made everything exposed to weather shrivel and look for comfort. However, there is something peaceful about knowing that even now, with everything looking dead or dying, that in a few months this whole place will be popping with color and new life. Life will happen, we just have to weather the storm first.
“Does he know how much you love June?” The words come out before I can think them through.
“They both do, it doesn’t change anything. At this point, I’m not sure if there is anything we can do about it.” His voice is dejected and I understand. Maybe I‘m not in love with Arden like he is with June, but I can understand.
“We can do something! I’m next in line for the throne. I could refuse to abdicate, I could—” Kraus turns sharply to me and puts a hand over my mouth silencing me.
He briefly looks around before leaning closer and whispering, “No. Arden made me promise that if I was going to play whatever game it is we are playing, that I wouldn’t let you get into trouble. Let’s just play it out, our courtship is starting to look serious to him. I’m having the fake documents drawn up right now.”
He leans back, but leaves his hand on my face when we hear a small gasp sounds behind me. Out of instinct we both spring apart and look for who made the sound. The rustling of leaves gives her away as she runs. June.
“Fuck!” Kraus paces back and forth before turning to take off after her.
I grab his arm and stop him, “For right now. It’s best you leave her alone. She is going to draw enough attention to herself on the way up, the maidens and service staff will notice you chasing after her.”
He gives me a nod and stays, but he doesn’t look happy about it.
“I didn’t see her, I heard the noise of someone coming, but I figured it would be staff.” He pleads with me, like I’m the source of his guilt.
“I know, but we are both holding on hoping that they won't stay together. Yet somehow, every time we get near them, we push them away further. What if it is for the best? We can’t keep hoping that we have a chance when it’s evident we don’t. Father is going to make me abdicate and then, what...they decide they can’t live without us and you marry a queen and I get Arden? No, unfortunately we’re on our own. Maybe, we should move on.” My rant falls on deaf ears, Kraus is back to pacing and trying to figure out what to do.
“Let me walk you inside, if I can escort you to your room, I can sneak to hers.” I don’t budge when he takes my arm to walk me back.
“No, let her be, this may be for the best. They’re engaged and we’re the leftovers. All because my father is playing house for his own sick agenda. Even if they still want us, they can’t have us. Why would they even want us when they’ve already had each other?” I let the last part slip and instantly regret it when his face falls.
He runs his hands through his hair and guilt hits me like a sucker punch.
“I am so sorry, I didn’t mean to—” He cuts me off before I can finish apologizing.
&nbs
p; “No, its fine. I should know that. I’m going to go though. Let me walk you back.”
I don’t challenge him, the walk back is painful and I feel worse with each step out of the gardens. If I could go back...
Too upset, I don’t sleep and my chest hurts. Morning comes and it takes everything in me to get out from under the cover when the sun finally decides to rise. How in two weeks have things fallen so far apart? June wasn’t here, but she was happy with Kraus. I was blissfully blind, wondering about how the world would be when I finally did my few months at college. Who knew, in the end I probably wouldn’t see outside of these walls. There is no way after what I said Kraus will still want to help me.
I let Alexis dress and prep me for the day, but she doesn’t push me when she picks up on my mood. Her tone is gentler than usual and I appreciate the effort to make me feel better without forcing the issue.
“You look lovely today, miss, try to smile some today.” I give her a nod as she leaves the room. It’s about time for me to leave, but I can’t muster up the energy to finish this last day of the week.
Eventually, I force myself up and grab a cup of coffee from the kitchen on the way out. Everyone seems to be in a hustle to get everything prepared, that’s expected though, since we have a planning and committee dinner tonight. Alexis mentioned in passing that tonight is the evening where Father and his consultants will finalize everything for the December Solstice. This is the first year father hasn’t directly brought me and June into the planning, or at least, not brought me in. June could easily be part of it. In my seclusion I’ve been out of the loop.
“Good morning, Your Highness” Ms. Buss tells me on her way in.
Her hands are full, so I hurry across the room to help her carry everything. “What is all of this?”
“The last of my arsenal,” she says with a laugh as I look through the books she’s brought in.