Now I See You

by Nicole C. Kear

  To the members of the FFB group, Park Slope chapter, whose generosity of spirit, ingenuity, and courage are an inspiration. Thank you for welcoming me into your folds. You can’t cure my RP, but you may yet treat my whopping case of Denial.

  To all my doctors, but especially to Dr. Jacobson and his team of Mensa card-carrying geniuses, who are in the business of making miracles. Thank you, not just for your indefatigable research but for the gift of hope.

  To Grace Quinones, sent to my doorstep with her bag of tricks by a higher power. I am profoundly grateful for your kindness, your warmth, and your saintly patience.

  To those illimitably generous souls who serve not just as my readers but as my cheerleaders and my dear, dear friends: Miranda Beverly-Whittemore, Claire Lundberg, Emily Raboteau, and the woman who restores my sanity daily, Kimberly McCreight. A million thanks to all of you for suffering through draft upon draft, for answering dumb and incessant questions, for brainstorming, problem solving, and never once saying, “Enough already!” even when it clearly was. Without your sage counsel, my book would be a steaming pile of dung, and without your friendship, I couldn’t make it through the day.

  To Michelle Flax, Merrie Kohlert, and Amelia Shaw, for endless encouragement and compassion.

  To the world’s greatest in-laws, Dan and Susie Greengold, for their love and unwavering support in every possible way. A special shout-out to Meg Greengold, who rescued the title of this book.

  To the fierce and beautiful Cavaricci women—Franca, Alanna, and Sidney—for undying loyalty and faith (and countless hours of babysitting).

  To Melissa Harty, my first partner in greatness, who has had my back ever since she sang backup in my Madonna cover band at the age of six. To Courtney Caccavo, for seeing greatness in me. I will aspire to fill the mammoth shoes of the Nicole-saurus you imagined me to be.

  I could write a whole other book describing the debt owed to my parents, my indomitable, selfless, loyal parents, Dr. Nicholas and Margaret Caccavo. Thank you for loving me intensely, completely, without bounds or qualifications. Thank you for being there, always—when I needed you, when I didn’t, and when I insisted I didn’t but really did anyway. Thank you for making the right decisions even when they weren’t easy, for working tirelessly so I didn’t have to, for telling me over and over again that I could be anything I wanted to be. Everything I am is because of you.

  To my children. Since the moment each of you were born, you have been the cures, the miracles, the reasons why. I’m terrifically proud of this book, but you are my greatest creations, and ever will be. I thank you for bringing a light into my life that can never be extinguished, for blessing my days with boundless joy, laughter, and meaning. More than anything, though, I thank God for giving you to me, my bella, my nina, and my beamish boy, three gifts beyond all imagining, gifts I will work my life to deserve.

  To my best friend, my partner in all things, the root of the root and the bud of the bud, my husband, David. There is no force greater than my love for you, except perhaps my debt to you, which defies measure and description. You gave me the seed of this book and the water and sunlight I used to make it grow. Thank you for your keen eye, your discerning ear, your strength, your generosity, your patience, your great, selfless sacrifices. Thank you for our family. Thank you for a love that makes everything always possible. ’Til the wheels come off, and after that, too.

  And to my grandmother, Verusca Zangoli Cavaricci, who made me me. You have taught me by example how to be a mother, a daughter, and a sister, a storyteller and a friend, a person of faith and goodness. Mille graze per tutti i doni che mi hai dato: le canzoni, i racconti, le cene, per le lacrime e i sorrisi, e per il tuo grande amore. Ti voglio tanto, ma tanto bene, per sempre.

  Table of Contents

  Half Title

  Title Page

  Copyright

  Dedication

  Author’s Note

  Epigraph

  Half Title

  Prologue

  Part I

  1. The Messenger

  2. My Father’s Study

  3. Carpe Diem

  4. Nothing Ventured

  5. Technicolor

  6. Not with a Whimper

  7. Longer to your Heart

  8. California Dreaming

  9. Hell on Wheels

  Part II

  10. Day of Thanks

  11. Baby Steps

  12. The Motherland

  13. Planning Parenthood

  14. Dr. Right

  15. Good Mommy

  Part III

  16. Reckoning

  17. Skeleton in the Closet

  18. Fellow Feeling

  19. Surrendering

  20. Miracle

  Epilogue

  Acknowledgments