Tonight we’re hanging out at Zane’s house. I formally meet his parents, and his sister, Jane. His Mum, Anna is such an elegant lady. She reminds me of Sally Field in Steel Magnolias. Her hair is dark brown and perfectly combed into a short bob. Her height is average but her bright smile makes her seem bigger than Ben-Hur; and she fusses over Zane constantly. It’s easy to see that Zane gets his height and his angelic good looks from his father, James; but his vivacity comes from his mum. I can smell the evening meal cooking as soon as we enter the house and I thank God that my morning sickness is exactly that – morning sickness; and very minimal. I’m starving.
After eating a scrumptious roast beef, accompanied with heavenly roasted vegetables, Zane and I roll ourselves out onto the patio. We sit on the love seat. It’s now spring in Perth – symbolic of new life. The junipers, freesias and jasmine are all beginning to bloom, they smell absolutely divine. My mind starts to wander off, to nowhere in particular, just off into the evening sky.
‘Abbie?’ Zane says, using his legs to swing us gently.
My mind comes back to the present.
‘Yes,’ I answer. I can’t help but smile – he can be so, I don’t know, formal.
‘I have to ask you something, actually, it’ll be a long discussion and I have something really important to share with you,’ he says, taking hold of my hand. Holding hands has become a normal thing for us, like two best friends always wanting to be touching, so we know we’re on the same grid.
Zane turns so he’s facing me, holding my hands in both his. His deep blue eyes search mine for something and he’s grinning. This particular grin always makes me smile like an idiot.
‘What’s wrong?’ Why is he smirking at me?
‘I think we should get married.’
I can’t believe what I’ve just heard.
‘What?’
‘I want to marry you,’ he says, as though it’s that simple.
‘I’m pregnant, you can’t just say you want to marry me and live happily ever after. Wouldn’t you be ashamed of me?’ I frown at him. I can’t believe what I’m hearing.
The smile slips from his face. ‘You just believed in the wrong guy, that’s nothing to be ashamed of. I think we could have a good future together. I don’t care that you’re pregnant.’
My mind is spinning. ‘You’d be a father to somebody else’s baby? Just like that? I love you, Zane, but I’m not sure it’s in the way you think, not the way I need to – and I don’t think you love me like that, either.’
He looks anxious. ‘Abbie, I haven’t been completely honest with you…’
Oh, here goes – another let down. I let go of his hands and he looks slightly wounded.
‘Zane, look, don’t feel like you owe me any favours, really—’
‘Please, Abbie, I have something to tell you.’
He looks down at my hands and takes hold of them both again. He seems desperate.
‘I’m gay.’
My heart lets out a loud laugh. I inhale sharply, trying to figure out whether he’s being serious.
‘Gay? As in, don’t like girls, gay? Don’t be silly!’ I release a small nervous giggle. Zane – hot and flirtatious – and gay?
The fact that he’s never had a girlfriend suddenly makes sense. The perfect way he dresses. The perfect dancing. The interest in our girl’s shopping day. The manicured fingernails. The Lair. The tea… oh, well, maybe not the tea… but it all makes sense.
‘Abbie, I’m serious. And I can’t tell anyone – least of all my parents. Especially Dad. It would kill him,’ Zane pleads. Why is he pleading with me? He’s just admitted that he doesn’t like girls. He has basically just dumped me.
‘Don’t worry, I would never share your secrets with anyone,’ I promise him.
‘Abbie, it’s not just about the secret. I was hoping that you would marry me and we could bring up your baby as ours, and nobody would ever guess I was gay.’ I notice small creases of strain around his eyes; he looks tired. I hold my breath and have to think of something to say. But he quickly adds, ‘I don’t want you to think that you’ll never get anyone else and you have to settle for a gay man.’
‘It wouldn’t be settling, Zane. Look at you!’ I stop myself, knowing I sounded like I was being flippant about his… situation. ‘I mean you are such a confident, smart and wonderfully fun man; and I mean that.’
‘But I’m gay and I shouldn’t be,’ he replies, slumping his shoulders and hanging his head.
‘Who says you shouldn’t be gay, Zane! You can’t hide something like that! This is who you are,’ I plead with him now. ‘It’s nobody’s business who you love or who you like to spend your time with. You’re a gorgeous person…’
He smiles, but it’s a sad kind of smile. ‘I know what you’re saying, but I can’t tell anyone. I’m sure my dad would disown me – and I couldn’t handle that. And Mum, well, I think she would be okay with it – eventually. But the church, they’d –’ He swallows hard.
‘So, you want me to pretend to be your wife and lover, for the sake of a church who would disown you because of something that doesn’t concern them and turn a blind eye to the fact that you have a heart of gold – far more precious than theirs?’
‘Well, if you marry me, you wouldn’t have to pretend to be my wife… and I do love you – as a friend, and I wouldn’t feel weird being with you in every other way, apart from the bedroom… couldn’t we do that? I have money to support you and the baby, you wouldn’t want for anything…’
Except for somebody to love us like Valentine does! My heart cries out.
Did! My intuition reminds me. You are never going to find true love as a single mother! Zane loves you as much as you deserve. Be smart for once in your life!
Zane’s eyes are a little red now. He looks so worried.
‘Zane, I… I’m sorry, but this is too much – I need to think about it.’ What else can I say? I have to think for more than just one person now.
‘Of course,’ he forces a smile. ‘But Abbie, please don’t think too hard – you should just go with it,’ he adds, with his familiar, wolfish grin.
I like this grin. I like him. But I have to really think hard – especially now that it’s more than just my heart at stake.
We drive home in silence. I’m tired and extremely confused. Not about Zane, or his proposal – but about the reasons why a young man would be so desperate to cover up his true self from both his family and his church. I feel sick, really, that he doesn’t consider himself as perfect as I think he is. I love him deeply. If I lost him tomorrow, I’d grieve. I’d be lost without our friendship. And I think I’d do anything for him. Maybe even marry him; if it was what he truly wanted.
When we arrive back at my place, Zane pulls the car into the driveway and turns off the headlights; but leaves the motor humming.
My mouth feels a little dry. I take a deep breath and lick my lips.
‘You’re going to say no, aren’t you?’ Zane asks, taking off his seat belt and turning to me.
‘It’s not that simple.’ I try to soften the blow. ‘I love being around you. You make life seem so easy.’
‘That’s because I don’t want it to be hard, for either of us.’ He takes hold of my hand. ‘And especially for the baby, a little person who’ll need two people to guide and love it.’
‘I…’
‘Please, Abbie, it’ll be a good life—’
I sigh. ‘I think we both need to be honest, with ourselves and with everyone around us.’
He rakes his fingers through his hair. ‘I can’t, Abbie, it would mean the end of my life. I couldn’t look anyone in the eye and feel proud of myself.’
‘Zane! That’s ridiculous!’ I can’t help but raise my voice a little. ‘You’re a wonderful man, please don’t say that. People love you for the person you are, not your sexuality. You’re the same Zane, just more honest.’
‘I’d be laughed out of the church and my father would disown me.’ The glow from the streetlam
p is shining through his window and forming a golden halo around the top of his hair – apt I think. His eyes are starting to gather some tears and I can’t stand it. I reach out and hug him, holding him tight. He starts to cry. I cry, too. We stay in this position for a while.
‘Zane?’ I say softly. The tears have stopped now. He pulls away and uses his shirt to wipe his eyes. He looks so vulnerable. ‘Does anyone else know – Patrick, or your sister?
‘Yes, they both know,’ he answers quietly.
‘And they still love you? Patrick is your best friend.’
‘Yeah.’
‘Your life wouldn’t be over, Zane, it would just be different. I can’t be your wife, any more than you could be my husband. It wouldn’t work. It would be fun – as everything with you is – but it wouldn’t be right. You have to be brave and proud of who you are. And I have to move forward, on my own two feet.’
We sit quietly for a minute. Zane is playing with the stitching on his leather steering wheel and I watch how his long eyelashes form shadows on the delicate skin under his eyes. He’s so perfect.
‘You know you’ll meet somebody one day – somebody who deserves your love,’ I say, quietly.
Zane smiles, without looking at me or moving his eyes from the steering wheel. ‘I’m afraid of that happening.’
I frown and turn to view him a little more closely. He meets my gaze for only a moment, before he looks away. ‘Why are you afraid of loving somebody who deserves your love? It doesn’t make any sense?’
‘I don’t want to love anyone, especially the way—’ he stops himself.
It dawns on me. ‘You mean, the way I loved Valentine?’
‘Yes, the way it’s crushed you,’ he answers quickly, but carefully. I guess to him I’ll always be fragile.
‘I’m not crushed and I will heal – eventually. Don’t let my failings at love put you off. Everyone has somebody special out there, maybe Valentine just wasn’t the one.’ I know I’m lying, but I smile and try to look composed. ‘You will meet somebody who you can be proud to stand beside and you know you’ll have the support and love of your friends and family –the ones who truly want to be a part of your life.’
‘You’re right. I hate that you are so grounded and smart.’ He smiles, his beautiful wolfish grin. I hope he never loses that.
‘It’s been a long hard lesson.’
‘You’re an amazing friend, Abbie Bennet. I love you dearly.’
‘And I love you dearly too, Zane Williams. I promise I’ll always be here for you, no matter where our paths lead us.’
‘Is there hope for my idiotic idea, then?’
I feel my heart tighten her grip on my throat – but I can’t seem to let the thought of having Zane as my life partner just slip away. Don’t I deserve him? And my precious little girl deserves a father who will protect her and be her rock. Zane would be this for us. Maybe I’d even pull out my shabby old copy of Bridge to Terabithia? Maybe we’d read it to my little daughter, together?
‘I promise to spend a long time considering your proposal – maybe even as house-mates at first. But, I have to learn to stand on my own two feet,’ I smile.
‘Thank you,’ he whispers, kissing my hand.
He walks me up to the front door, kisses my forehead and returns to the car.
‘Zane?’ I call out.
‘Yeah,’ he turns expectantly.
‘If I promise to think about your proposal, will you promise to think about being yourself?’
‘Of course,’ he tilts his head in an old-fashioned gesture. ‘Until tomorrow night, Miss Abbie.’
I watch him pull out of the driveway and make my way inside. It’s quiet. No television playing or welcoming party. Mum and Dad have gone to meet Patrick’s parents; how could I have forgotten – I was invited. I wonder briefly if Sam went along, then laugh a little to myself – I don’t think so.
Time for bed. Time to take off my mask and see where my dreams take me tonight. I change into my pyjamas and climb under the covers. But I have a strange feeling that I’m being watched. I pull the curtains more tightly closed and turn off the side lamp. I hate being home alone.
Then I hear an indistinct tapping on the front door. Zane. Gosh, my heart breaks for him. I want to fix things for him. Maybe we’ll talk a bit more tonight; with nobody home.
I climb out of bed and wrap my pink fluffy gown around myself. I can’t help but smile at the thought that I don’t care if Zane sees me in my pyjamas now – not after tonight.
Chapter 14
I swing open the front door without hesitation. ‘Come on then… come in and I’ll make you a cup of…’ I stop short and stare out through the security door.
It isn’t Zane.
‘Oh, it’s you,’ I say, almost letting out a sob. I struggle quickly to retrieve my mask and stare out at him.
‘You look beautiful.’ Valentine regards me affectionately.
This makes me angry. How dare he look at me with such tenderness! ‘It’s been over three months now,’ I say, feeling stupid that my voice is shakier than I want it to be. I steady myself and find my inner strength. ‘Have you been with Jacquie?’ I ask bluntly. I don’t care if I offend him, nor do I care if he has. I’m sure he has.
‘No!’ he says indignantly. Horror is etched into his face.
‘Well, where have you been? I waited—’ I stop abruptly, because I can’t speak if the tears are going to come.
‘Please, I need to talk to you.’
‘Fine.’ We need closure.
I step out onto the veranda and close the door behind me. But I stand with enough distance between us so he can’t reach out and touch me. I’m not going to cave in this time.
‘I came after you – I rode to your house and I’ve tried to call you, but they kept telling me you were happy without me. I’ve been trying to get a job, and I have a house now, and a car for you and our baby…’
I glance at a car that’s sitting under the street lamp – a family car with five seats. He must’ve sold his bike.
Pain is tightening my chest. ‘All a bit too late!’
Rain starts to fall heavily.
He takes a step forward, but stops. ‘I know, but – I saw you with that guy – the one with the Mustang.’ He tilts his head from the rain and lowers his eyes to look at my hands. They’re shaking. ‘You looked happy.’
He’s only an arms-length from me now, but he may as well be stranded in the middle of the ocean. The distance between us is endless.
‘You have no right to be jealous!’ I immediately understand the look. ‘You left me at the train station, for Christ’s sake!’
‘I was foolish,’ he says, running his fingers through his hair. He turns away from me and I think I hear him curse under his breath.
‘A lot more than foolish, Valentine. You always give up so easily!’ I snap, turning away from him and opening the door. Just like my father, I want to add, but it doesn’t matter anymore.
‘I never gave up on you! I just didn’t want to make things hard for you – I’m no good for you!’
Leaning my forehead on the door-frame, I ask, ‘Then why are you here?’
‘Because of my dad.’
Concern and anger mingle in my chest. I turn to look at him. ‘What about your dad? Is he okay?’ Why do I care? Of course I care. This isn’t Gabe’s fault.
Valentine’s eyes narrow. Pain? Torment? ‘He’s fine, but… he’s angry at me.’ He heaves in a breath and adds, ‘He asked me if I love you. If I love you enough to fight for you. He said I was an idiot and if I didn’t fix things with you, then he’d be very disappointed in me—’
Why doesn’t this soften my anger toward Valentine? It just makes things worse. He needs to be told to love me? I cross my arms over my chest. ‘So, why are you here?’
I hear him mumble, ‘Because I love you, Princess.’
I can’t do this. I turn my back to him. ‘Just go.’ It’s killing me not to look at him.
&
nbsp; ‘Please, Princess… I love you!’
‘Just go!’ My voice cracks and out comes a tidal wave of tears.
‘Okay, but I want you to know that I never went back to her. There hasn’t been anyone but you, since the first night I saw you, and there won’t be anyone else. But if you’re too stubborn to realise that I will never hurt you, then I’ll go.’
I hear the gravel crunching beneath his shoes as he walks back to the car. Typical. I want to say, “I love you – infinity”, but the words are stuck in my throat. I hear his car door open and close.
Tears flood my cheeks.
I stop breathing to hold back the sobbing. I literally feel my blood flooding away from my face and down to my feet. Abandonment. That’s what it is. Just like when John walked out on us; my so-called-father. Men! They’re all the same. They’re there for you when things are going their way. But throw a curve-ball and they run like rats. I can’t believe Valentine would abandon me, after everything he said to me. After everything.
This is what “the experts” call closure. I know it’s going to hurt for a long, long time. This ending will forever feel infinitely complete; finished; concluded.
My bravery mask slips off.
Panic rushes over me. That same panic I suffered the morning Valentine and I watched the sun rise together – that morning that I thought I may never see him again. That morning he said with so much certainty, “that will never happen!”
What have I done?
‘Wait!’ I shout, but there’s no need.
Valentine is standing beside his car. He’s not moving. He’s watching me silently. His hair is soaked. His face shines under the streetlamp.
‘I wasn’t going to give up on you this time, Princess,’ he says, as I rush over to him.
He gathers me into his arms. Our lips crush together and our souls find each other again.
‘Princess?’ he whispers through our avalanche of kisses.
‘Yes?’ I gasp.
‘I need you to know that I love you, with every piece of me.’
I nod. I can’t speak or I’ll just blubber.
‘I meant it. I’ll take on all your bad days and try to make them better. I’ll take care of you and put you above myself, okay?’
Infinite Completion (The Infinity Series Book 1) Page 12