by L. J. Red
She wasn’t telling the truth. Not the whole truth. There was something she was keeping back. She seemed heavy, saddened by a weight she would not share.
“What are you saying?” he asked her. “Do you mean you don’t want to be with me anymore?”
“No, no,” May said, “it’s not that, I promise. Of course, I want to be with you, but…” she looked away, “it’s all happened so fast.”
She was right, he realized. But he’d thought she felt the same as he did, hungering for the bond. But how could that be? He hadn’t told her what it meant, had never even told her she was his soulmate He’d simply expected her to feel it, but how could she? She was no vampire, she had not lived centuries, isolated, alone, sure her ability to love had been burned away. She had not been overwhelmed by a suddenly beating heart, but icy veins turning warm. She was a human. It must feel different for her, easy to mistake.
He could feel her pain emanating despite the veil between them, and he wanted to destroy whatever it was that was causing it, the sensation sending conflicting demands within him because he knew he was the cause. It was himself that he had to destroy. He turned away from her abruptly and began pacing up and down in the snow in front of her. “I can step back if that’s what you need, May. I can sleep on the couch, give you space.” He turned to her. “I thought we were happy. We shared something.”
“We did, we do,” May said, and the tears escaped her eyes and ran down her cheeks. He ached to smooth them away, but her arms were crossed around her body and she held herself apart from him. He was no brute. He wouldn’t force her.
“Then why don’t you want to stay?” he asked, despair choking him.
“I just need some time,” May said, scrubbing the tears from her cheeks and staring into his eyes.
It was his fault. He had done this; he had taken things too fast. In his joy at finding a soulmate, in discovering the ability to love that he thought he would never feel, he had overwhelmed her, had scared her away. He had been a fool, but no more. He would give her whatever she needed, whatever distance she wanted. He would prove to her that she could trust him, that he would wait for her.
He looked more closely at May. She was holding herself tense, her shoulders in a line as if she were bracing for a blow, and his heart ached to think he had done this to her. “If you’re sure this is what you want,” he said gently, “then, of course, take…” he forced himself to finish, “take as long as you need.” He couldn’t help but add, “But please leave your things in the cabin and take only what you need.” He knew he would need her possessions around him, her scent in her absence.
May rushed to him and hugged him tightly, the pressure of her body against his far too brief. She pressed a quick kiss against his jaw. “I’m not going forever, Neal, just for a little while, just until—” she broke off, glancing around herself and quickly stepped back. Their bond resonated with his desire to hold her, to reach out and gather in his arms. Fuck, he wanted her, wanted to kiss the tears away from her skin, wanted to quench his raging need in her body. His desire for her was a constant rolling burn deep within him. But he would be stronger than his desires. He forced his arousal down and tried to cloak his emotions from her just as she was from him, a veil drawn across the bond. She didn’t need to feel that; she didn’t need to feel the intensity of how much he wanted her. It would only scare her away further. He needed to make it seem as if he was at peace with her decision. He didn’t want his emotions to influence her. He wanted her to come to him willingly, openly. That was what his soul hungered for.
“I have to get back,” May said, and she made a movement towards him, halted, and pulled back, a deep sorrow flashing for a moment in her eyes, before she turned her face away and walked back to the Conclave.
Neal watched her go, unable to tear his eyes away until she had entered the building. He didn’t trust himself to return to the meeting, not after that conversation. Instead he turned toward the pines, walking faster, jogging then finally sprinting across the snowy ground. He let all his frustration, his need, his desire burst through him in a violent wave. Crashing through the tree line, he struck at the passing tree trunks, scoring deep lines in the bark and tilting his head up to the sky. Silently, deadly, he sprinted, covering miles in bare minutes, so far that he exited the forest and came out on the bank of a vast frozen lake. He crashed to his knees, blind to the icy beauty around him, and roared at the sky.
He could feel concern resonating down from Talon and Rune as they picked up his emotions, and he made himself send silent waves of force towards them, warning them away until his frustrated desire for May had burnt itself out at last. He finally looked around. A tree that had stood by the lake’s edge now lay in pieces on the snow, deep lines scored into its bark from his claws.
He stood, panting, his chest heaving. He was out of control, he thought shakily. The bond dragged at him, called him to return to May, to roll her up in his bed, pin her under his body, and keep her with him. He ached to go to her, but he had to hold back.
He stared at the mutilated tree. How long would his self-control last? How long before he snapped and either took his rage out on another vampire, or captured May and locked her in the cabin with him?
Chapter 21
May yawned widely, shifting her weight from foot to foot, her towel slung over her arm, her toothbrush and toothpaste clutched in her hands, waiting for the washroom door to open so that she could have a shower. She hoped that the hot water hadn’t all been used up by the vassal who had been in for the past half hour. She knocked on the door again, but the shower kept running and the vassal kept singing off-key.
“She’s not still in there, is she?” Ivy said from behind her.
“Afraid so,” May said. “Does she do this every morning?”
“Yup,” Ivy said, “I bet you’re really glad that you get to enjoy this bonding experience with the rest of us vassals.” Ivy raised her eyebrows. “I still don’t understand why you gave up the cushy cabin with the Shadows in favor of this.” She jerked her thumb to indicate the bunk rooms where the rest of the vassals were sleeping.
“It’s not so bad,” May said hesitantly.
“Yeah, sure,” Ivy said, “if you’re a teenager at summer camp.” She glanced out the window at the snow whistling through the air. “At winter camp, I guess I should say.”
May laughed. “Well, I never went to camp, so…”
“Trust me,” Ivy said. “You didn’t miss much.” She glanced up and down the hallway, but they were the only two in line for the shower and the hallway was empty. She leaned forward, “I’ve actually been wanting to ask, but there hasn’t been a chance for the past couple of days. Why did you move out of the Shadow’s cabin? Nothing bad happened, did it?”
“No, no,” May said quickly, “Nothing like that. I just…” She sighed. She wanted to tell someone. The weight of her decision lay heavily on her. She missed Dana. She hadn’t realized how much she relied on the other woman’s calm common sense. Dana would know what to do. She looked at the honest concern in Ivy’s eyes. She thought Ivy might understand, the spunky, red-headed vassal was quickly becoming a true friend, but… here at the Conclave with so many people, both vampires and humans living so close to each other, it was a nest for gossip, so easy for a stray word to be overheard, and rumors grew quickly in conditions like this, as she already knew. “I just needed some space,” she said finally, “Some time to get my head on straight and figure things out.”
“Well, okay,” Ivy said unconvinced. “It’s just, you don’t seem happy.”
“I’m not,” May sighed.
“Look,” Ivy said, “I understand wanting to take a break and get things straight, believe me, some days I think there’s enough drama in my brain for ten people, not just one.” She grinned sharply, then turned serious again, “but I’m not sure that this environment is the best place for it, all of us clustered in with one another.” She paused. “You know, a few of us are thinking of go
ing out in the daytime for a hike. Do you want to join us? There’s a frozen lake near here, we’ve got a map. There aren’t many hours of daylight here, so we’ll only have a short window to enjoy it. It’s not far and it’s supposed to be really beautiful, might get you out of your head a bit. Plus, with the short days, we could go out there and get back with enough time to have a short nap before the next night’s work.”
A hike? May considered. She would like a chance to explore the area. She had barely been out of the lodge the whole time. Just tripping between cabins had been the most exercise she’d gotten. It’d be good to stretch her legs. She’d been cooped up for so long, if she wasn’t working, she was thinking about Neal. These past few days hadn’t helped her get any perspective at all, and she didn’t know whether the rumors had calmed down, maybe out there in the open air she could finally breathe a bit. Maybe that was what she needed, a few hours away from all of this, away from the Conclave, away from vampires, just a bunch of humans wandering around together in nature.
She’d never really been one for hiking before, but Ivy said it was only a short trip, and she had her green coat to keep off the chill.
“You know what, Ivy, that actually sounds great,” she said.
“Cool,” Ivy said, “I’m really glad, it’ll be a lot more fun with you there,” she smiled widely.
The singing finally cut off, and soon after it, the shower did too.
“Yay, finally,” Ivy said, “she’s done.”
The vassal came out and seemed surprised to see them both standing there.
“About time,” Ivy said, and the vassal blushed.
“Sorry,” she said, “I didn’t hear you.” She scurried down the corridor.
Ivy rolled her eyes, “Go on.” She gestured to May. “But don’t you take as long as she did!”
“I don’t think there’s any hot water left. I couldn’t even if I wanted to,” she said with a wry smile.
The rest of the night passed quickly; the vassals who were going on the trip were filled with nervous excitement at the thought of getting out for a little while. May guessed more than a few of them were suffering from cabin fever. Most of the people going were vassals from house Clarity, Ivy’s friends, but a few other vassals approached Ivy over the course of the night, wanting to join, and the numbers swelled more than May expected.
“Don’t worry,” Ivy said at the end of the night when they were walking back to the vassals’ cabin with her. “Most of them will drop out when they realize they’re going to have to leave their nice warm beds to go out in the cold.”
Ivy was right. When the time came, at least half of the vassals decided to stay in their beds, telling them that they should take photos so they knew what it was like, but the ones who were going to go zipped up their coats and stepped outside.
May looked around. It was so strange to see the lodge in the daytime. Everything seemed more open. The space was somehow vaster. The white snow rose to meet the white sky at the horizon. She frowned. Well, not entirely white. There were some grey clouds off to the right. “Do you think they look a bit angry?” she asked.
The vassal beside her glanced up and shrugged. “Should be all right,” he said. “We’re not going very far and I doubt the weather can change that quick. It’s fine now.” He stamped his feet and walked off.
May frowned after him, not entirely reassured. Clarity vassals, she guessed, being from sunny California, might not have any experience with Canadian snowstorms. She felt a twinge of worry, but surely it would be all right, she pushed her worry away. He was right, they weren’t going far and they all had the right warm gear on.
They set out with the soft light making the snow glisten and sparkle in front of them, cheerful and happy to be escaping the lodge and their duties for a little while. May walked beside Ivy, unable to hold back a smile.
“See?” Ivy said. “You just needed to get out for a little while, get away from your cares and worries.”
“You know what?” May said. “I think you’re right.”
“I’m always right,” Ivy grinned. “It’s a skill.”
They left the lodge and walked into the forest, the wind whispering through the trees, the scent of pine thick around them. May worked up quite a sweat stamping through the snow. The walk to the lake took longer than they had expected. Perhaps because none of them were particularly used to walking in the snow, or perhaps it was because the distance was actually further than they had imagined. May felt a stray thread of worry again. Still, by the time the day reached its short peak, the trees had thinned out and opened onto a vast icy lake.
“Oh wow,” May said, stopping with the rest of the vassals and gazing around in awe. It was even more gorgeous than she had been expecting.
“This was totally worth it. Good call, Ivy,” said one of the vassals.
“Hey, thank Joe,” she said. “He’s the one who found it on the map.”
The vassal who had led them here just grinned.
“You think it’s frozen enough to walk on?” someone asked.
“Probably,” Joe said.
“Should we try?” Ivy asked.
May followed them hesitantly towards the ice. She wasn’t sure about stepping onto the lake, but a few of the other vassals did, one of them even jumping up and down.
“See? It’s totally frozen,” he said with a grin.
They spread around the lakeside. “We shouldn’t wander too far from each other,” she called.
“With your neon coat, we won’t have any trouble finding you,” Ivy grinned.
May laughed. “Okay sure, but some of you aren’t wearing exactly the same high-vis as me,” she said, pointing to one of the women who had a very fashionable fur-lined coat that may have looked great in the store, but since it was entirely white, it didn’t do much to stand out against the snow.
May walked around the edge of the lake, careful not to stray too far from the others. She lost track of time among the icy beauty of the place, and it wasn’t until she noticed how dark the sky had gotten that she suddenly realized the day had to be ending. But when she looked up, she realized it wasn’t that time had run away from her, but the dark clouds she had noticed earlier had thickened and spread across the sky. That looks bad, she thought. She turned back and walked as quickly as she could through the heavy snow to the other vassals. She shivered as a heavy gust of wind buffeted her. She hadn’t noticed the wind had picked up as well.
“Um, guys,” she shouted, “What do you think of that?” she said, pointing up. As she spoke, the first flakes of snow began to fall, not soft and silent as they had been for most her time at the Conclave, but given speed by the wind, whipping their way past her.
Joe looked around. “It’s just a bit of snow,” he said, “nothing to worry about. It’s been snowing on and off since we got here.”
“I don’t think it’s just snow,” May said, close enough that the rest of the group on the lake turned to look. “I think that’s something more severe.”
“There was nothing on the forecast,” he said reassuringly.
“No, but I still don’t like the look of it,” May insisted, “I think we should head back now.”
Ivy, who had been slipping across the surface of the frozen lake with a couple of the other vassals came closer to hear what she was saying.
“What’s up, guys?”
“Your friend is being a killjoy,” Joe said.
May frowned at him briefly before turning to Ivy. “I’m worried about those clouds,” she said, pointing. “I really don’t think we want to risk getting caught in a blizzard.”
“A blizzard!” Joe protested, but Ivy, looking up at the clouds, nodded, a somber expression falling over her face.
“Shit, you’re right,” she said loudly over the clamor that went up. “None of us are used to this kind of weather.”
“Oh, come on,” one of the vassals said from behind her, “we’re having fun here.”
“Yeah? Will you
be having fun when you freeze to a block of ice?” Ivy snapped. “Come on, guys, pack up.”
Clearly unhappy, the others at least listened to Ivy. And with Ivy and May both showing concern as they packed up, the other vassals finally began to move faster, swiftly loading up their possessions. But the wind rose faster as well, and by the time they were ready to leave, they were all trading worried looks. The weather had definitely turned. The cold was bitter, and the whirling snow hid the horizon, swallowing the view in a field of white. They turned as one and headed back towards the forest.
The wind whistled past them, flinging snow in their faces. Soon they couldn’t see the lake behind them, and then quickly after that, they couldn’t see the forest either, and they had to rely on the compass and the map.
Joe kept turning and turning it, with the wind catching and crumpling the paper until finally, the wind swept the map out of his grasp and threw it away into the distance. He cried and ran after it.
May shouted and grabbed the vassal who was going to run after him. “We shouldn’t all run in different directions! Are you insane? We’ll lose each other,”
“But what about Joe?” the young woman said.
“We have to stay here. Call out for him, he has to come back to us.” May started shouting his name, but their voices were snatched away by the wind. They couldn’t see anything. The wind roared around them like a beast with its own terrible intent. She could die out here, she realized with a dawning sense of terror.
The vassal pulled free of her grip, screaming for Joe, and the others ran after her, scattering. The wind swept over her, and she tripped and fell, tumbling head over heels. May dragged herself back to her feet. She’d fallen over a great tree, torn down, and gouged, and ripped in pieces by a power she couldn’t imagine. The snow had rucked up around it, masking it from her unwary eyes. She rose to her feet, but when she looked around, she was entirely alone. She screamed out, calling Ivy’s name, the wind snatching every word away. Faintly, she could hear voices, but too far away for her to know which direction to go in. She could spend hours stumbling in circles. She forced her way closer to the fallen tree, hunching down from the wind. She was bitterly afraid. The cold sank into her bones. It was so difficult to push against the strength of the wind, so difficult to think in the freezing cold. Why had she left the lodge? Why had she left Neal? If only he were here. Oh God. She might never see him again.