by Jax Hart
“No. But maybe we can take a break after and get you some ink? How’d you like that? Nothing like a fresh tat to cheer you up.”
“Are you serious?”
“As a heart attack.”
I shake my head, “Luce would stuff me with ice cream and wine.”
“No. Trust me. My way is better. Think about what you might want to get, and we’ll do it this week.”
“Okay.” Hopping up I grab the heavy texts and my laptop from the other room. I’m glad he’s here. It beats wallowing alone in the dark.
“Hey Dev?” He shouts.
“What?”
“Wipe your face. The streaked mascara all over your cheeks is damn distracting.”
Pausing in the hallway, I flip on the bathroom switch and peek in. “Gah,” I mutter in disgust.
My hair hangs, limp and greasy. Days old make-up is caked on my face. I really do look like a zombie in The Walking Dead.
“Here,” I dump the books on his lap and walk back down the hallway needing a hot shower and a fresh pot of coffee to feel human again.
After a few hours we decide to take a break and go out to eat. Toad offered to take me on his bike, but I couldn’t. I can’t wrap my arms around anyone but Rog. So, we drove in my Subaru a few towns over to a Mexican restaurant where I continued stuffing myself with loaded up nachos and Margaritas until I burped so loud a few heads turned.
“Oops,” I muttered sheepishly.
“Christ, Dev. Gimme your keys.”
I hand them over and order another round. The cell vibrates on the table next to my decimated plate and what’s left of my fifth drink.
We both stare at the name flashing across the screen.
“Shanna?”
“Hey. The test results came back. The lab says with 99.9% accuracy you are related to Duke.”
“Yeah, I already knew that.”
“It’s a lot Dev. The two of them aren’t handling it well. I’m sorry. They told me to call.”
“T-thank you. T-tell Duke… that I’m sorry he’s hurting and that—I hope someday… we can talk. He might not be happy to have a sister. But someday if he’ll let me, I’d love to be one,” I break off with a sob.
“I will.”
“And Shanna… tell Rog. Oh God, tell Rog—I’m nothing like her.”
“I know that Dev. Hell, everyone does, just give them some time. They both have thick heads.”
“Okay. Wait, before you hang up, can you tell me how he found out?”
She’s silent for a minute. “The headstone. They found out you paid for it and put the pieces together from there.”
“Right. Well, you tell them they can be mad as hell at me but if anyone from Creed thinks about writing whore on her grave again… I’ll take a Louisville slugger to their bikes. I don’t care what she did, she still deserves to rest in peace.”
“Noted. I’ll call you soon,” she promises hanging up.
“Damn girl, you’ve got some balls. Way to turn the tables, Dev.” He holds a palm up for a high-five.
“I feel like I’m gonna puke.” I’m trembling, stomach churning. “I just hope they both come around. I really want a brother and my boyfriend back.”
“They will Dev. In the meantime, you still have me and in case you haven’t noticed—I’m a goddamn ball of fun. Let’s get out of here I feel like shooting some pool.”
“You’re a good man Toad. Someday your princess will come.”
“Christ. If this is what heartache looks like I don’t want to wear it.” He slaps a few twenties down insisting it’s his treat and takes my hand helping me slide out of the booth.
“Promise something, Mac?”
“What’s that.”
I lean heavily on him, buzzed to hell but needing to say this, “When you get your GED. Pack up your shit and go far. I know Creed was a way out for you once, but you don’t need to think it’s your only option. I mean I get it now—they’re your family. So, they should understand you wanting to ride as far as you can go. Do you hear what I’m sayin’?”
“I do. Thank you,” he whispers pulling me against his side.
“Hey Dev, just so you know—you’re a good friend too.”
I smile, grateful for the friendship of this scarred man working to set himself free.
“I love you, Mac. I do. I can’t imagine never knowing any of you.”
“Shhh,” he kisses the top of my head, “if Rog doesn’t come around on his own. I’ll kick the shit outta him for you.”
“I know you would. But I can fight my own battles. Have you seen my Kung-Fu moves?” I raise my leg and make a karate chop with my hands but lose my balance falling on my drunk butt.
“Yeah, impressive,” he smirks helping me up.
He opens the door helping me in and walks around to the driver’s side. “Wanna hit up Dairy Queen on the way to the pool hall?”
“There’s a DQ here?”
“Yup”
“Well it’s a good thing I didn’t know that before or I’d have to run ten miles a day. Damn, I’d drive an hour for that shit.”
“You’re a cute drunk, Dev.”
“Gee, thanks. Now get me ice cream before I go insane.”
And for a one drunken moment I feel a ray of sunshine pierce through the clouds. I know both Rog and Duke will come around and just need to figure out which spade to bash their heads with: My planting spade or my Kate Spade spiky heels?
“Hey Mac. Change of plans,” I grin.
“Oh yeah? You re-thinkin’ all the calories you havin’ today?”
“Fuck, no. In my drunken state—it just came to me.”
“What?”
“What I want my tattoo to be.”
“No. No—way. It’s permanent babe. I won’t take you drunk.”
“I disagree. It’s the perfect time. I’m too buzzed to feel pain. Well, except the pain in here,” I place a finger on my heart.
He shakes his head, “Promise you won’t kill me in the morning?”
“Pinky-promise.”
“Hell no. I ain’t makin’ fuckin’ pinky-promises.”
“Just shut up and drive,” I roll my eyes as he pulls out on the main road. I’m getting a tattoo tonight and then I’m going to find a way to make Rog love me again.
I CAN’T REMEMBER A TIME in my life when I felt like this. She hit me so hard; my heart’s become a twisted piece of metal only suitable for a junk yard.
Maybe it’s my fault for going all in; for believing I finally deserved something good after all the shit I’ve done in my life.
I never saw this coming.
Shit, who could’ve?
I take the steaks I had marinating out of the fridge. I can’t go to Sassy’s tonight. It’ll hurt too much.
Dev got in everywhere.
I can’t escape her at work, on my favorite jogging trail, hell I can’t even sleep since she invades my dreams.
How am I gonna escape this heartache?
The screen door slams behind me as I carry my dinner out to the grill.
Love’s a bitch and now I remember why I always ran from it. My cell rings and I tense half, wishing it’s her and half hoping it’s not.
“Shanna?”
“You okay?”
“I’m just peachy darlin’.”
“You understand why she didn’t tell you, right?”
I pinch the bridge of my nose and close my eyes. “No. Actually, I don’t have a goddamn clue.”
“Men never do,” she sighs.
“Watch it, girl. I taught you how to ride a bike.”
“Duke—he’s not taking it well.”
I grunt, “Then me and him are in the same boat.”
“Just don’t do anything, stupid, Rog. See what she has to say.”
I’m silent and she knows.
“You didn’t give her a chance, did you?” She exhales, “I have enough on my hands dealing with Duke. I can’t hold your hand too. Come on Rog. Stop being a pussy and go for
it for once. You think I don’t know that you are using this as an excuse to push her out? I think I just figured out why you’ve stayed single your whole life.”
“You don’t know jack shit, girl,” I bite out, hands clenched as I pace barefoot across my back deck, “I loved your mother. Loved her more than anyone but she never saw me.”
Shanna’s startled gasp stops me in my tracks. I’m a bastard taking out my frustration on her.
“I’m sorry, baby girl. I’m being an idiot.”
“Yeah, you kinda are. Is it true?”
“Yeah. I was young. She was my unrequited first love. If she had looked at me—I would’ve given her the world. But she didn’t. Life here was hard for her; it broke me to watch her fall apart. She loved you baby girl, but she needed to go. She couldn’t fly here. And she knew Pops would never let you go, too.”
“I-I’m sorry Rog. I just don’t see you with my mom. I see you with Devon. Make this right or I’m gonna kick your ass.”
“I’m not sure how. Trust is something I don’t give lightly. I gave it to Dev without question. I lost my head and I don’t like the way it feels.”
“I know. But look at me and Duke. No one had more obstacles to cross than the two of us.”
“I need you to keep this between you and Duke. I can’t have Dev getting any blowback from the boys.”
“Of course, Rog. I like her. We’ll talk soon, okay?”
“Yeah,” I mutter disconnecting.
“Fuck!” I yell noticing my charred steaks on the grill. I was so lost in the past and the present that I forgot all about them.
Turning the grill off, I chuck the steak in the trash and grab my keys, guess I’m heading to Sassy’s for dinner anyway. So much for avoiding the ghosts tonight—not just Dev, but Dee and Pops, too.
It was slow as shit tonight. I polished all the bottles behind the bar just to keep my hands busy—smashed a few too.
That’s when Federico stepped in and kicked my ass to the backrooms. I almost swung at him.
“It’s my goddamn bar. I can break shit if I want to,” I had told him.
“Jefe. You need to chill,” he said placing a hand on my arm.
“Fuck off,” I turned holding the bottle up ready to smash it on the side of his head. Big Jim lumbered off his stool and grabbed my arm, “Dude, fuckin’ chill.”
“Whatever, I want you two assholes out of my bar.”
“I’m the bouncer, jefe. You can’t bounce the bouncer.”
“The hell I can’t,” I roared so loud the veins in my neck popped out. A few women grabbed their purses and ran for the door.
“Christ, I’m a mess. Take over for me behind the bar.”
“Who me?” Big Jim asked shocked.
“Not you, asshole. You’ll drink yourself under the bar.”
Federico takes my place and I head down the back hall to my office. Her last paycheck sits on top of my desk. Sighing, I sit down heavily, causing the springs to creak. I reach for my cigar box and put one between my lips savoring the taste and feel of it before snipping the end and lighting it.
Alone in the dark, I grieve for the girl I had a chance of forever with. My hands shuffle and reshuffle the invoices and bills on my desk. The smell from my cigar comforts me. I open my drawer reaching for my reading glass that Dev always found sexy and put them on. My lips twitch remembering the night she wanted me to wear them to bed but I told her I leave them here in my office.
She pouted.
I spanked her and promised I’d bring them next time.
But there never was a next time.
My dick and heart both wilt, wishing things turned out differently.
My fingers pull the chain on my desk lamp and I get to work, doing the business I blew off when I rode out to Cali to meet Duke with Dev’s DNA sample. I fire up my laptop and login, shaking my head at how torn up Duke was about it all; half-wishin’ it was true, half-hoping it wasn’t. All kinds of shit resurfaced for him—shit that he buried a long time ago. But this situation opened old wounds. Dee Dee Stanton fucked up Duke’s childhood, broke-up his home, turned his father into a raging alcoholic asshole and Duke bore the brunt of all that.
None of it has anything to do with Dev, but yet everything to do with Dev.
It’s a head and heart trip no one was prepared for. I work until my eyes blur from staring at the glow from the computer screen.
Sighing, I shut everything down and take my glasses off, rubbing my eyes. Grabbing my leather cut from the back of my chair, I shut my lamp off and walk out locking my office door behind me.
“I’m headin’ out. You good to lock-up?”
“Sí, jefe. You go. I got this,” Federico waves to the handful of patrons lingering till closing.
Hands bunched in my jeans, I make my way over to my truck parked out back. Lost in my thoughts of the long, lonely night ahead, I don’t see her waiting until I’m five feet away.
Her beautiful long locks fly in the wind. Her eyes look haunted.
“I-I didn’t want to come inside,” she shrugs folding her arms over her chest.
“Your paycheck is on my desk. Federico can get it for you,” I reply moving to open the door she’s leaning on.
“I didn’t come here for money.”
“Well, what did you come here for then? There’s nothing here for you other than that.”
Her shoulders slump, “How was I so wrong about you?”
“No. How was I so wrong about you?” I snarl ripping my door open, forcing her outta the way. My head turns in her direction, but I can’t look at her as I bite out, “You didn’t trust me. I was your man, darlin’. You should’ve told me,” I shake my head.
“I’m sorry,” she whispers looking at her feet, “but I’m nothing like her. I’m just me. I’m still me, Rog.” She places a pleading hand on the sleeve of my coat.
“Really? ‘Cause lookin’ me in the eye while I moved inside you, lookin’ at you like you were my new world—and you, YOU—just kept your secrets to yourself. Hell, I was bearin’ my soul to ya’ girl. I gave you more than any woman while you just took my heart and crushed it.”
“You’ve got it all wrong, Rog. You wrecked me. You just ran past me, like I meant NOTHING?! Like we meant, nothing.”
“That’s because we are NOTHING, now, baby girl. Whatever we were startin’—it’s done—over.”
“Don’t say that. We can fix this.”
“We shouldn’t need to. We’ve just begun, and we need to fix this?” I gesture between us, “That’s the thing, darlin’ I learned that lesson a long time ago… hell maybe that’s why I never had many relationships—when there are problems early—you fold. No sense in playin’ a losin’ hand.”
“Just let me in. Don’t shut me out.”
I look down at her beautiful face still full of hope. I shake my head sadly. “I can’t darlin’. Trust and loyalty mean everything to me. I’ve built my life on those two things. Creed lives by it. I’d be dead by now if I gave everyone a second chance. It’s just how I am. I don’t do them. No matter how much I might want to,” I tell her softening the blow by cupping her cheek one last time.
“Look, I admit I fucked-up. I didn’t know you when we first met. I didn’t know any of you—but what I did know was how much all of you still held onto your bitterness decades after she died. Why can’t you just let it go?”
“I did. I have. It’s not about her, sugar. It’s about you; knowing your secrets, keeping them while makin’ me fall in love with you. I’m sorry but I can’t do this anymore.”
“I don’t need a promise for forever. I just need you to promise me tonight,” she whispers cupping my jaw, stroking my soft beard in her tiny hands.
“You don’t know what you are saying. I can look past who you are but there might be others who can’t. There’s still a lot of people in this town with long memories and hard hearts where Dee Dee Stanton’s concerned. Besides, maybe I just wasn’t meant for love. I’ve gone so long without
it and survived. The only thing that’s ahead for me are harsh winters and lonely nights. But in a way; I welcome them. It’s what I know. It’s who I am.”
“You might think that the best years are behind you but that doesn’t mean they actually are. What if… what if we are each other’s happy ending?”
“Life isn’t a fairy tale sweetheart and I ain’t no prince.”
“No, it’s not. That’s why I’m choosing to take what’s right in front of me. I’m not afraid and I don’t care if people talk. Let them talk. YOU. You make me so goddamn happy. My heart sings every time you smile and the lines crinkle from the corner of your eyes. Every time you laugh low in your throat, my tummy flutters and when you look at me when you don’t think I’m looking—my knees get weak. No, you’re not a prince, you—are an ogre. A grumpy old toad with a kick ass body and heart of gold. So, what’s it going to be? Are you afraid of this because I have the genes of a she-devil in my blood?” She gestures between us, “Are we going to go our separate ways… never knowing what could be?”
“Don’t. Don’t do this sweetheart…,” I break off in gruff whisper.
“Whatever. You stubborn fool.”
She turns to leave, but I grab her hand, “I don’t want you mixed up in the life I chose to live. The club… we still got enemies. You would be a target, sugar. I can’t—won’t see you get hurt. For what? A fling? A love affair doomed from the start?”
“How can you say that? You don’t know that. And we were more than a fling. We could be so much more…. ” She breaks off.
“I do know. I’m too old for you Devon. Christ, you deserve a man with the best years ahead of him not the worst. When I look at you, I see a woman who deserves a goddamn picket fence and a golden retriever.”
“I’m allergic to dogs.”
I laugh pulling her close. She feels so sweet; so right. I sigh, closing my eyes and savoring the moment because I know I can’t let it last. I breathe her in, she smells like lavender and honey and feels like home.
“Ah, Devon, girl. If things were different—you’d be in my bed tonight.”
A tear leaks from her eye and runs down her cheek. “No one ever wants me. Why should I be surprised? My own damn mother never gave a shit. I quit. I can’t work for you anymore.”