I have discovered that my positive way of looking at life is very much a Buddhist way, so I am studying and learning Buddhism and its gentle, compassionate, non-judgemental way of life and it suits me beautifully. I try my best to practise it and teach my children the same.
I got involved with ‘Friends of Thamkrabok Monastery’ in Google groups, an internet-based support group for anyone thinking of going to the monastery. I give advice and care along with many others who have been.
Since the Irish edition of this book was first published, I have continuously received emails and letters from adults and children who have been abused, and my life has been sent down the path of changing and educating as many people in the system as I can. A huge honour connected to this happened the day before my 43rd birthday when I was asked to do a speech at the National Counselling Service’s tenth annual conference ‘Transforming the Shadows’ in front of hundreds of trained professionals.
Part of my speech was to get the attitudes of professionals to change and work directly on the real issues. My mother had stood by my father, and she thought that after decades of abusing me and others he would be cured after approximately six weeks of counselling. I am very very concerned about this attitude. What frightens me most is the number of girls I had witnessed my father abuse. Over at least a ten-year period it ran into the hundreds.
Our court case only managed to get six brave ladies to testify alongside me. I have spent the last few years finding answers to why more of us are not speaking up and reacting. Here are some answers from individuals who have been abused by family or close friends, which I read out as part of my speech:
1. My husband would murder him. They play golf on Sundays.
2. My husband would blame me for our marriage problems.
3. It would break my mother’s heart, she is old now.
4. I went to the guards years ago but was told that the statute of limitations had run out and it was too long ago.
5. I did go but the DPP turned me down and would not take on the case.
6. I have a statement in the gardaí should anyone else come forward about the same person, I am not enough on my own.
7. Audrey I had a statement in the gardaí in the Bridewell in relation to your dad, and it was only when I saw you on the news I wondered why I was not called. I contacted the gardaí and they said it was not on the system. Though they found my statement. I was informed I cannot take a case now.
8. Stigma, I could not live with the stigma. Abuse victims abuse, everyone believes that, I wanted to be a nurse.
9. I was told by my family not to put that good man down. How dare I make such accusations.
10. I was told no man would ever want me by my mother, I was damaged goods so keep quiet.
11. I was not believed. I did tell.
12. It was my fault I never said no.
13. My father depended on my abuser for his job so I was not allowed say anything though they did keep me away from him.
14. I was told it was his way of loving me. There was no harm.
15. I had no evidence.
16. My mother threatened to commit suicide if I did tell anyone.
17. I was emotionally blackmailed, in speaking out I would hurt many instead of just the one, me.
18. I have not been able to say the words out loud to anyone.
19. I did go to counselling and my counsellor asked me did I have any feelings sexually towards children. I don’t I swear, I never have. I never went back to counselling as I felt the lowest of scum for being asked such a question. I have never spoke about it to anyone till you Audrey.
20. My sisters said it didn’t happen to them so therefore they maintained it didn’t happen to me.
21. I love my dad. I hate what he did. But I could not put him away. I emigrated so he cannot come near my children.
22. I said nothing, I thought it was just me that was the bad one, now my three-year-old daughter has told me she was abused by her granddad. What do I do now? I did this to her. I am to blame. I really thought it was me and not him.
23. When I was younger he said he would kill my little brother. I am older now but the fear of him hurting someone I love if I said anything haunts me.
24. I just want to get on with my life and by bringing it into my adult life he has won. I won’t let him take the time I have left. I want to show him he has had no effect on me. (I might add this was said by a man who had three broken marriages and was now an alcoholic.)
25. I don’t want the world knowing my business. Someone will find out even if I remain anonymous.
26. I cannot deal with it, I have tried counselling, it’s not for me. I don’t have the nerve.
27. He is old now and sick, what’s the point?
28. It would kill my parents, I do not want to hurt them.
29. My siblings said just get on with it, it’s over and what would I achieve.
30. My siblings said this will bring the family down, I don’t have that right to hurt everyone. They are sorry it happened but our kids will be bullied in school if everyone found out.
31. My in-laws hate me enough anyway, this would give them great pleasure finding out I was related to an abuser. They are always putting my family down.
32. I work with children, if this ever got out, I fear the consequences. I love my job and I adore kids.
33. Ashamed of what happened.
34. Ashamed of what people would say because I never spoke up before now.
35. Ashamed because up until five years ago I spoke and laughed with my uncle and people saw me. How can I say it happened and expect them to believe me. I have faced it. I cannot do any more. I keep my three-year-old son away from functions he attends.
36. I was slapped and told what an awful child I was. The filth that came out of my mouth.
37. I spoke up and every problem that arises I got the blame as I was the damaged one. I stopped bringing it to people’s attention and don’t talk about it.
38. I cannot take the pity I receive. Like I’m only an abused person and not a person who was abused as well as being a good father.
39. I have too much to lose with my family. I couldn’t be alone. It’s better all round if I don’t.
40. I think I would break if I spoke about it.
Time and again, it is fear about what others think that stops these men and women coming forward. Too often, it is fear about what family members will think.
When a mother chooses to stay with a father, or any family member chooses to stay with a predator, it’s not an informed choice if they are never told the reality of the situation. After communicating with many families over the last few years I have discovered it is common for them to not really know what the abuser in their midst is really like, which is why survivors can wait 20 or 30 years to speak out. The spouse who naively serves as protector of the criminal, emotionally blackmails the victim they are related to. She also gives the opportunist plenty more opportunity to abuse other innocent little children. It is the safety of children that should come first.
*
So how can we make things safer for children? When a partner finds out they are living with a suspected abuser or confessed abuser, she usually needs support in the form of counselling. But counselling cannot just be about building self-confidence and dealing with anxieties. It is society’s obligation to make sure that mothers are fully informed about the personality type of abusers – of their behaviours which include manipulation, compulsions, dangers, grooming. Abusers can look normal when they do lunch, walk in the park and at any occasions and celebrations they attend. Family members should also be made very aware of what it’s like for the victim, the long-lasting damaging effects.
I knew that prosecuting my dad and naming and shaming him was the only way to stop him because he was protected every which way he turned by our backward culture. I had a fire inside me amongst all the heartbreak and I persevered. I want to stress this is not a responsibility that victims sho
uld carry. But if we reconditioned society and shed the shame and stigma of being abused it would not carry as much weight.
My ultimate goal is not to hurt or be vengeful, but to protect children. To allow them to walk into their homes or schools and safely say a person tried to touch, hurt, abuse, use them before it becomes an act. Or, if the worst happens, that they can speak out after the first time and that it ends there and then. We need to teach children not to be manipulated, so that the abuser has no power.
In Ireland the church and other institutions are being blamed, and rightly so, for covering up and protecting themselves and their reputation first and foremost, and not the beautiful children in their care. Over and over this is mirrored within families. I have heard individuals rip priests apart while they sit and watch the news knowing they are doing the exact same within their own family. If their family member was abused by a priest, stranger or someone they are not emotionally involved with they would be up there and behind them and wanting the perpetrator punished.
I have always said would you let a dangerous dog run around a housing estate knowing it can attack a child. Why would we allow an adult? The scars of abuse do not heal as easily as a dog bite. Would you hand your keys of your brand new car to a stranger or leave them in the ignition outside your house? Why do we not protect our children in equal terms? We have to stop putting them in danger that lurks because of all the cover-ups.
I believe the whole matter of child abuse needs to be approached in a more holistic way so we are not just treating those who have been abused but take every step to make sure our children are protected in the future. Of course the survivor needs to stay in control of his or her journey, that goes without saying. But the gardaí must liaise better with counsellors and social services, and everyone involved – brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers, husbands, wives – should be educated to the seriousness of the crime; the compulsions the offenders have, how dangerous and likely they are to reoffend; and how the healing of survivors can be accelerated by the reaction and support of the family and surrounding contacts in their life. I knew this instinctively, but I wished someone had taken my family and told them.
*
After my speech, the applause from the audience went on and on. I was overwhelmed and speechless, I think I went into shock. All day I was approached by counsellors, directors and professionals, given cards and congratulations. It was the most surreal experience and I was so proud to be part of it.
This event was made even more special as I had my wonderful man at my side who I had met and fallen deeply in love with. He is spiritual, loving, understanding, kind, positive and totally supportive of me. I might add he is rough around the edges in a very sexy way and very very handsome. If I was to describe a hero for my ending, he would be it. I have never ever felt love like this. He is the only person in my adult life who I trust and makes me feel so special and cherished. Our love is spiritual, physical and emotional. I can give it and receive it without question. It’s something so new to me, that I have never done before. I still have a lot to learn and I always will continue to improve.
I meditate and pray often and it is an important part of my life. Everything I have asked for I have been given.
Before I begin the next chapter of my life, the following quote sums up my feelings about this book, and about life in general.
Ephesians 4:29: ‘Do not use harmful words but only helpful words, the kind that build up and provide what is needed, so that what you say will do good to those who hear you.’
Acknowledgements
To the other girls who were brave enough to bare their souls, find the courage and speak out, your country should thank you. I am grateful and I admire you all. You are heroines.
I wish to thank Christine Buckley, founder of the Aishlinn Centre, who I hold as a magnificent glowing inspiration. She has opened up many doors, making it easier for me.
Thanks to my friend Mary, for everything over the last 14 years, and for travelling to Ireland for my father’s sentencing.
I wish to thank my godmother and my uncle from Greystones for their consistent love and support. I also want to give my love to my aunt and uncle in Crumlin.
To Debbie and Brian, Harry and ViVi, who took care of and protected Tyrone and Robin during the court days. Long-term friends.
To the girls in Celbridge for their continuous love and support, thanks for not forgetting me even though I am not great at phoning.
Thanks Michelle for the ear and for coming to the trial with me.
Thanks also to the girls in Virginia, Cavan, who looked after me and my kids through the months in 2006 when I was sick. You saved me. You who slag me over my lackadaisical ways and lateness with smiling faces.
To the ‘Castle Lodge’ bed and breakfast for treating me like a princess. Their kindness, empathy and warmth makes them the best B & B in the world. I always knew I was a princess in real life. They just merely showed me how it felt. It felt good and in such an emotional time.
Thanks to Aslan for their song ‘Crazy World’. I know how to protect the kids now.
Special thanks to Christy Dignan from Aslan for contacting me, a nobody; yet from that phone call came a life changing experience and I felt like somebody. You are a man with a good soul. Not many musicians take the time to look after an ordinary Irish girl like Christy did.
SPECIAL ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
I am deeply grateful to Detective Peter Cooney, who spent years working on my case and never gave up, as frustrating as it got. He is a kind and understanding man. I trust him. Thanks to Mary Rose Gearty, the barrister who worked on the case, for a job well done.
To Essie, my ever loyal and supportive counsellor in the Rian Group run by the Health Board. You built me up and helped me to have the faith in myself I have today. It is my own feelings that count and I direct them in a positive and loving way towards others.
To my brothers, thanks so much for everything.
I have to give complete thanks to the Thamkrabok Monastery in Thailand. It was traumatic; a massive endurance test, which pushed me through boundaries I never thought I could go to, and I’m proud I have. It was a huge life-changing experience in such a positive way. Thank you for the many gifts I left there with, most of all, the gift of sleep. It was the best investment I ever made for my children and myself.
Thanks to my new friend Mae Shee Rambhai Singhsumalee, the Medicine Man; a very special man and all the monks and nuns who cared for me and who asked for nothing back. My friend Charlie who kept me sane throughout my stay, and all the patients who were there during my time: thank you for still keeping in touch.
To my friend Eugene, who is a missionary priest. I have known him since I was three years old and his words have given me great peace.
To my publishers, Maverick House, who treated me with respect and care. To Bridgette Rowland, who painstakingly read my book and was forever complimentary. To Jean Harrington, who made sense of a jumble of emotions, and asked the right questions.
To Michael Kealey of William Fry Solicitors, thanks so much for his preparation work on the manuscript prior to publication.
I would also like to acknowledge the effect that Sorcha McKenna, another child abuse victim, had on me. When I saw her going public about the abuse she suffered at the hands of her father, it set everything in motion for me. I realised that if she could do it, then I could also do it. Thank you for your bravery, Sorcha.
I thank everyone who has been part of my life no matter what the situation; it has all benefited me and I have learned from every experience in a good way.
‘Smile and look at life and everyone in it through angel’s eyes. Make sure the next thing you say to someone brings you peace.’
Happy Being Me
I am a boy; I’m nine years old,
I might look normal and so I’m told,
But I’ve a syndrome called Tourettes,
The older I grow, the worse it gets.
It makes me run
, jump and kick, it even makes me get very sick.
Sometimes it makes me talk and shout ‘YES.’
It really does fill me up with stress.
It makes me want to twirl around,
It even makes me do a silly sound.
It makes me blink and crinkly my nose,
My lips go into a funny pose.
I get so tired my body moves all night,
I get so scared my Tourettes gives me a fright!
People point and tease, that makes me sad,
The Tourettes I have is not at all bad. I feel very special,
Because it makes me understand,
That if I see a person with a problem,
I’ll always give them a hand.
So please remember when you laugh,
And tease at people like me,
You can’t tell the future, it could be you or your family!
by Tyrone Ward
Table of Contents
Cover
About the Book
Title
Copyright
Dedication
Author’s Note
Prologue
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fifteen
Epilogue
Acknowledgements
Happy Being Me
All My Fault: The True Story of a Sadistic Father and a Little Girl Left Destroyed Page 16